The pie charts below show the percentage of student on the one adult education centre taking a various courses offered in 1985 and this year.

The graphs illustrate how learners in an educational center have engaged in different courses between 1985 and this year.

Overall, two subjects of music appreciation and local history have been replaced by that of IT, which accounts for the biggest proportion of student enrollment at present. It is also notable that there has been no change in the figure for fitness and dance.

The percentage of students enrolling in the modern language courses namely French, German and Spanish started at 24%, after which it has experienced a slight decrease to 17% in this year. A similar trend has been witnessed in the figures for the art course, which has dipped negligibly from 17% to 15%. Meanwhile, the share of participants in fitness and dance has remained consistent throughout the period, at exactly 22%.

14% of students participated in the cookery course in 1985, with a one-fifth increase up to now. While 8% of learners chose music appreciation and 15% of learners chose local history in 1985, the current data shows 27% of students choosing the IT courses, substituting for these two courses.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"learners in an educational center" -> "students in the educational institution"
Explanation: "Educational center" is somewhat vague and less formal than "educational institution," which is more precise and commonly used in academic contexts.
"engaged in different courses" -> "enrolled in various courses"
Explanation: "Enrolled in" is more specific and appropriate for academic settings, indicating formal registration in courses, whereas "engaged in" can imply a more casual or active involvement.
"that of IT" -> "IT"
Explanation: Removing "that of" simplifies the phrase and maintains a formal tone appropriate for academic writing.
"accounts for the biggest proportion" -> "represents the largest proportion"
Explanation: "Represents" is more formal and precise than "accounts for," which can be seen as less formal and slightly vague.
"has been no change" -> "has remained unchanged"
Explanation: "Has remained unchanged" is a more formal and precise way to describe the stability of the data over time.
"the modern language courses namely" -> "the modern language courses, specifically"
Explanation: "Specifically" is more formal and academically appropriate than "namely," which can sound slightly informal.
"has dipped negligibly" -> "has decreased slightly"
Explanation: "Decreased slightly" is clearer and more formal than "dipped negligibly," which may sound overly casual and vague.
"a one-fifth increase" -> "a 20% increase"
Explanation: Using a percentage (20%) is more precise and formal than "a one-fifth increase," which can be ambiguous.
"chose music appreciation and 15% of learners chose local history" -> "selected music appreciation and local history"
Explanation: "Selected" is more formal and precise than "chose," and removing the percentage notation aligns with the academic style of presenting data.
"substituting for these two courses" -> "replacing these two courses"
Explanation: "Replacing" is a more precise term in this context, indicating a direct substitution, which is clearer and more formal than "substituting."

These changes enhance the formal tone and precision of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay adequately addresses the task by providing an overview of the changes in student enrollment in different courses between 1985 and the present. The essay highlights key features, such as the increase in IT enrollment and the decrease in modern language enrollment. However, the essay does not fully extend the analysis of the key features. For example, the essay states that the percentage of students enrolling in modern languages has decreased from 24% to 17%, but it does not provide any further analysis of this trend.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a more detailed analysis of the key features. For example, the essay could discuss the reasons for the increase in IT enrollment and the decrease in modern language enrollment. The essay could also provide a more detailed comparison of the two pie charts.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay logically organizes information and ideas, presenting a clear progression throughout. Each paragraph focuses on specific courses and their enrollment changes, which allows the reader to follow the trends effectively. The use of cohesive devices is appropriate, although there are instances where the connections between sentences could be more fluid. The central topic of each paragraph is clear, but there are minor lapses in the overall cohesion that prevent it from reaching a higher band score.

How to improve: To enhance the score, the essay could benefit from a more varied use of cohesive devices to improve the flow between sentences. Additionally, ensuring that all paragraphs are tightly linked to the overall theme of the essay would strengthen coherence. More explicit referencing to the data in the pie charts could also help in making the connections clearer and more engaging for the reader.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary suitable for the task, with some attempts to use less common vocabulary such as "enrollment," "participants," and "substituting." However, there are instances of inaccuracy in word choice and phrasing, such as "the biggest proportion of student enrollment" which should be "students’ enrollment" or "the largest proportion of student enrollment." Additionally, while the essay communicates the main ideas effectively, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "one-fifth increase" which could be better expressed as "a one-fifth increase." These issues do not impede communication but do detract from the overall lexical resource.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision and accuracy. Incorporating more sophisticated and varied lexical items, as well as ensuring correct collocations and word forms, would strengthen the essay. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors can help improve clarity and professionalism in the writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While it does convey the information clearly, there are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that occasionally hinder communication. For instance, phrases like "the biggest proportion of student enrollment at present" could be more accurately expressed as "the largest proportion of student enrollment currently." Additionally, the use of "that of IT" is somewhat unclear and could be simplified for better clarity. Overall, the essay shows a reasonable level of grammatical control, but the errors present indicate that it does not fully meet the criteria for a higher band score.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Sentence Structure: Incorporate a wider variety of complex sentence structures while ensuring clarity.
Error Correction: Review the essay for grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, aiming for more precise language.
Punctuation: Pay attention to punctuation to ensure it supports the clarity of the sentences.
Practice: Engage in more writing practice, focusing on using a range of grammatical structures accurately to build confidence and proficiency.

Bài sửa mẫu

The graphs illustrate how learners in an educational center have engaged in different courses between 1985 and this year.

Overall, two subjects, music appreciation and local history, have been replaced by IT, which now accounts for the largest proportion of student enrollment. It is also notable that there has been no change in the figure for fitness and dance.

The percentage of students enrolling in modern language courses, namely French, German, and Spanish, started at 24% and has experienced a slight decrease to 17% this year. A similar trend has been observed in the figures for the art course, which has dipped marginally from 17% to 15%. Meanwhile, the share of participants in fitness and dance has remained consistent throughout the period, at exactly 22%.

In 1985, 14% of students participated in the cookery course, which has increased by one-fifth to the present. While 8% of learners chose music appreciation and 15% opted for local history in 1985, the current data shows that 27% of students are now enrolled in IT courses, replacing these two subjects.