The pie charts below show the percentage of students on the one adult education centre taking a various courses offered in 1985 and this year

The pie charts illustrate the proportion of students who took a various courses at the educational center from 1985 until now.

Overall, while the greatest percentage came from modern languages, the smallest proportion was contributed by Music appreciation at the beginning of the period. Until now, IT has transcended modern languages to be the highest percentage of the students involved while Art has become the lowest proportion.

Examining the details, the Modern languages observed the highest position with 24%, followed closely by Fitness and dance with a small margin at 22%. Furthermore, Local history and Cookery saw a minimal difference, with the figure at 15% and 14%, respectively. Additionally, while the percentage of students taking Art course was 17%, the Music appreciation exhibited the lowest proportion at 8%.

Currently, the IT course is predominating the pie chart with the highest figure at 27% while the second position remains the same by Fitness and dance with 22%. Moreover, the cookery has increased slightly to 19% to 2024 while both Art and Modern languages have changed decreasingly to 15% and 17%, respectively.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"various courses" -> "various subjects"
Explanation: "Subjects" is more specific and appropriate in an academic context, referring to fields of study rather than the more general "courses."
"the greatest percentage came from" -> "the largest proportion was from"
Explanation: "The largest proportion was from" is more formal and precise, aligning better with academic language by avoiding the colloquial "came from."
"the smallest proportion was contributed by" -> "the smallest proportion was comprised of"
Explanation: "Was comprised of" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic writing, compared to the less formal "was contributed by."
"Until now, IT has transcended modern languages to be the highest percentage" -> "Currently, IT has surpassed modern languages to become the highest proportion"
Explanation: "Currently" is more formal than "Until now," and "surpassed" is more precise than "transcended" in this context, which is typically used to describe a change in position or level rather than a quantitative comparison. "Become" is also more appropriate than "to be" in this context.
"the lowest proportion" -> "the smallest proportion"
Explanation: "Smallest" is more precise and formal than "lowest" when referring to proportions.
"the Modern languages observed the highest position" -> "Modern languages held the highest position"
Explanation: "Held" is more commonly used in academic texts to describe the possession or occupation of a position, making it more appropriate than "observed."
"a small margin" -> "a narrow margin"
Explanation: "Narrow" is more specific and academically precise than "small" when describing the difference between two values.
"saw a minimal difference" -> "demonstrated a slight difference"
Explanation: "Demonstrated" is more formal and precise than "saw," and "slight" is more specific than "minimal" in academic contexts.
"the percentage of students taking Art course" -> "the proportion of students enrolled in the Art course"
Explanation: "Enrolled in" is more formal and specific than "taking," and "proportion" is more precise than "percentage" in this context.
"predominating the pie chart" -> "dominating the pie chart"
Explanation: "Dominating" is a more precise term for describing the state of being the largest or most significant in a comparison, fitting better in an academic context.
"has increased slightly to 19%" -> "has risen to 19%"
Explanation: "Risen" is a more formal and precise term than "increased slightly," which is somewhat vague and informal.
"changed decreasingly" -> "decreased"
Explanation: "Decreased" is a more straightforward and formal term than the awkward and less common "changed decreasingly."

These changes enhance the precision, formality, and clarity of the text, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information and ideas in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from the past to the present. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances where cohesion between sentences could be improved, leading to a somewhat mechanical flow. The paragraphing is present but could be more logically structured to enhance clarity and organization. The central topics within each paragraph are generally clear, but the transitions between ideas could be smoother.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. This can be done by using a wider variety of cohesive devices and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear and distinct focus. Additionally, improving the clarity of referencing (e.g., using pronouns or synonyms more effectively) can help avoid repetition and enhance cohesion. Finally, a more systematic approach to paragraphing, such as clearly defining the introduction, body, and conclusion, would improve overall coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary appropriate for the task. It attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "transcended" and "predominating," but there are inaccuracies in word choice and some awkward phrasing, such as "the smallest proportion was contributed by Music appreciation." Additionally, there are errors in spelling and word formation, such as "Cookery saw a minimal difference" which could be more clearly stated. These issues do not impede communication but do detract from the overall effectiveness of the lexical resource.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using more precise and varied vocabulary while ensuring correct collocations. Avoiding awkward phrases and ensuring that all terms are used correctly will help improve clarity. Additionally, incorporating a wider range of less common lexical items with accurate usage will contribute to a higher score. Regular practice with synonyms and context-based vocabulary exercises could also be beneficial.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 level. While there are some attempts at using more complex structures, the overall grammatical accuracy is inconsistent. There are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation, such as "a various courses" (which should be "various courses") and "the cookery has increased slightly to 19% to 2024" (which is awkwardly phrased). These errors do not significantly hinder communication but do detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Increase Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures while ensuring grammatical accuracy.
Proofreading for Errors: Carefully review the essay for grammatical and punctuation errors before submission to minimize mistakes.
Clarify Phrasing: Aim for clearer and more precise language, especially in complex sentences, to enhance overall readability and coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

The pie charts illustrate the proportion of students who took various courses at the educational center from 1985 until now.

Overall, while the greatest percentage came from modern languages, the smallest proportion was contributed by music appreciation at the beginning of the period. Currently, IT has surpassed modern languages to become the highest percentage of students involved, while art has become the lowest proportion.

Examining the details, modern languages held the highest position with 24%, followed closely by fitness and dance with a small margin at 22%. Furthermore, local history and cookery showed minimal difference, with figures at 15% and 14%, respectively. Additionally, while the percentage of students taking the art course was 17%, music appreciation exhibited the lowest proportion at 8%.

At present, the IT course dominates the pie chart with the highest figure at 27%, while the second position remains unchanged with fitness and dance at 22%. Moreover, cookery has increased slightly to 19% in 2024, while both art and modern languages have decreased to 15% and 17%, respectively.