The pie charts compare the proportion of people who belong to the 23 to 65 age group in seven separate jobs in the specific town in the UK called Ashby and the whole country in the year 2008.

The pie charts compare one UK town (Ashby ) and the UK as a whole in terms of the proportion of people aged 23 to 65 in dissimilar jobs in the year 2008.

It is clear that the percentage of people who fall into the 23 to 65 age group in personal service and office work in both Ashby and the UK as a whole held the largest proportion among those given.

The percentage of people between 23 and 65 years old in professional work in Ashby accounted for the highest position with 21%, which was relatively higher than that figure in the UK and the number of people aged 23 – 65 in technical work in the UK, at 17%. In terms of office work, that figure in the UK was 19%, compared to 18% in Ashby.

Regarding the remaining figures, the number of people who belong to the 23 to the 65 age group in unemployed and construction work in the UK were the same, at 10% while these figures in Ashby were 14% and 16%, respectively. The proportion of people aged 23 – 65 participating in shop work in Ashby and the UK were similar, at 14% and 13% in turn. While the percentage of 23 – 65 year-old people in technical work and professional work in Ashby made up negligible proportions, at around 9%, the number of people aged 23 – 65 in professional work in the UK was 14%

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The pie charts compare one UK town (Ashby ) and the UK as a whole" -> "The pie charts compare Ashby, a UK town, with the UK as a whole"
Explanation: Adding a comma after "Ashby" and changing "one UK town" to "a UK town" corrects the punctuation and enhances the formal tone by specifying the type of town, which is more precise in academic writing.
"dissimilar jobs" -> "different occupations"
Explanation: "Dissimilar jobs" is vague and informal. "Different occupations" is more specific and appropriate for academic contexts, enhancing clarity and formality.
"It is clear that" -> "It is evident that"
Explanation: "It is evident that" is a more formal and precise alternative to "It is clear that," which is slightly more colloquial.
"held the largest proportion" -> "represented the largest proportion"
Explanation: "Represented" is more precise in this context, as it directly relates to the data being presented, whereas "held" can be somewhat ambiguous.
"relatively higher" -> "significantly higher"
Explanation: "Significantly higher" is more precise and academically appropriate than "relatively higher," which can be seen as vague and less formal.
"the number of people aged 23 – 65 in technical work in the UK" -> "the proportion of individuals aged 23-65 in technical occupations in the UK"
Explanation: "Proportion" and "individuals" are more specific and formal than "number of people," and "occupations" is preferred over "work" for a more academic tone.
"Regarding the remaining figures," -> "Regarding the remaining data"
Explanation: "Data" is more specific and formal than "figures," which can be too vague and informal for academic writing.
"the number of people who belong to the 23 to the 65 age group" -> "the proportion of individuals in the 23-65 age group"
Explanation: "Proportion of individuals" is more precise and formal than "number of people who belong to," which is awkwardly phrased and informal.
"the same, at 10%" -> "equally, at 10%"
Explanation: "Equally" is more precise and formal than "the same," which can be too casual for academic writing.
"these figures in Ashby were 14% and 16%" -> "these proportions in Ashby were 14% and 16%"
Explanation: Consistency in terminology is maintained by using "proportions" throughout the text, aligning with the earlier usage of "proportion."
"The proportion of 23 – 65 year-old people in professional work in the UK was 14%" -> "The proportion of individuals aged 23-65 in professional occupations in the UK was 14%"
Explanation: "Individuals aged 23-65" is more formal and precise than "23 – 65 year-old people," and "occupations" is preferred over "work" for a more academic tone.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the text, aligning it more closely with the standards of academic writing.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the main trends in the data. The essay also presents and adequately highlights key features/bullet points, but some details are irrelevant, inappropriate, or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the percentage of people aged 23-65 in professional work in Ashby was "relatively higher" than that figure in the UK, but this is not supported by the data. The essay also states that the number of people aged 23-65 in professional work in the UK was 14%, but this is not accurate. The correct figure is 13%.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate and relevant details. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language. For example, instead of saying "relatively higher," the essay could say "higher by 4%."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation:
The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, and there is a clear overall progression. The use of cohesive devices is effective, but there are instances where cohesion within and/or between sentences appears somewhat mechanical. For example, the repeated use of "the percentage of people" and "the number of people" can make the text feel repetitive. Additionally, while paragraphing is used, it is not always logically structured, particularly in the third paragraph where multiple data points are discussed without a clear organizational pattern.

How to improve:

Enhance Cohesion: Use a variety of cohesive devices to avoid repetition. For example, instead of repeatedly using "the percentage of people," consider using synonyms or rephrasing sentences to maintain reader interest.
Improve Paragraphing: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that related data points are grouped together logically. For instance, separate the discussion of different job categories into distinct paragraphs to improve clarity.
Refine Sentence Structure: Avoid mechanical cohesion by varying sentence structures and using more complex sentences to link ideas smoothly. This will help the essay flow better and make it more engaging to read.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, effectively conveying the main comparisons between the data presented in the pie charts. However, there are attempts to use less common vocabulary that are not always accurate or appropriate, such as "highest position" instead of a more precise term like "highest percentage." There are also some minor errors in word choice and phrasing, which slightly hinder clarity. Overall, the vocabulary used is sufficient for the task but lacks the sophistication and precision required for a higher band score.
How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision. This includes practicing the use of synonyms and more sophisticated terms to describe data, as well as ensuring that less common vocabulary is used accurately. Additionally, reducing errors in word choice and improving collocation will help elevate the score. Regular reading of high-quality academic texts can also aid in expanding vocabulary and understanding nuanced usage.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 score. While the writer attempts to convey the information clearly, there are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that occasionally impede clarity. For instance, phrases like "the highest position" and "the number of people aged 23 – 65 in technical work in the UK, at 17%" could be more clearly articulated. Additionally, there are some punctuation issues, such as inconsistent spacing around parentheses and hyphens, which detract from the overall accuracy. However, the errors do not significantly reduce communication, allowing the reader to understand the main points.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Increase Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures while ensuring they are grammatically correct.
Enhance Clarity: Rephrase awkward or unclear expressions to improve overall coherence and clarity.
Proofreading: Carefully check for grammatical and punctuation errors, ensuring that all sentences are error-free and that punctuation is used correctly throughout.
Use of Connectors: Employ a greater variety of linking words and phrases to improve the flow of ideas and enhance cohesion in the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The pie charts compare one UK town (Ashby) and the UK as a whole in terms of the proportion of people aged 23 to 65 in various jobs in the year 2008.

It is clear that the percentage of people who fall into the 23 to 65 age group in personal service and office work in both Ashby and the UK as a whole represented the largest proportions among those given.

The percentage of people aged 23 to 65 in professional work in Ashby accounted for the highest share at 21%, which was relatively higher than the figure for the UK, where the number of people aged 23 to 65 in technical work was 17%. In terms of office work, the figure for the UK was 19%, compared to 18% in Ashby.

Regarding the remaining figures, the number of people belonging to the 23 to 65 age group in unemployment and construction work in the UK was the same, at 10%, while these figures in Ashby were 14% and 16%, respectively. The proportion of people aged 23 to 65 participating in shop work in Ashby and the UK were similar, at 14% and 13%, respectively. While the percentage of 23 to 65-year-old people in technical work and professional work in Ashby constituted negligible proportions, at around 9%, the number of people aged 23 to 65 in professional work in the UK was 14%.