The pie charts compare the proportion of workers in three sectors, including manufacturing, sales, and services, in town A and town B in 1960 and 2010.

The pie charts illustrate the percentage of employees in three different fields such as manufacturing, sales and services, in both towns A and B between 1960 and 2010.
Overall, it is noticeable that in 1960, the manufacturing sector accounted for the greatest proportion in both towns. Additionally, the services was the most preferred field in town A, whereas the manufacturing remained ranking in other town in 2010.
Upon closer examination of the chart, it is revealed that in town A, the percentage of labor forces in manufacturing accounted for nearly half with 41% in 1960. Moreover, the proportion of workers in sales and services shared the similar value of 30% and 29% respectively. However, the figure of employees in services significantly rose to 64% in 2010 and became the highest percentage in the chart. By contrast, two remaining sectors experienced a downward trend, the percentage of labors in manufacturing sharply decreased to 20% and 16% in sales in 2010.
In terms of town B, the majority of workers selected manufacturing with 70% in 1960, and continued to rank first after 50 years later with 58%. In 1960, the second place belonged to the sales sector with 20%, which doubled the percentage of employees in services. However, in 2010, the second common field was services with 25% workers enrolled, which closely followed by the figure of sales workers with 22%.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The pie charts illustrate" -> "The pie charts depict"
Explanation: "Depict" is a more precise and formal term than "illustrate" in the context of presenting data in charts, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.
"fields such as manufacturing, sales and services" -> "sectors such as manufacturing, sales, and services"
Explanation: Using "sectors" instead of "fields" is more specific and appropriate for economic and industrial contexts, aligning better with the academic style.
"the manufacturing sector accounted for the greatest proportion" -> "the manufacturing sector dominated the largest proportion"
Explanation: "Dominated" is a more precise and formal verb than "accounted for," emphasizing the extent of the sector’s presence.
"the services was the most preferred field" -> "the services sector was the most favored"
Explanation: Correcting the grammatical error ("was" to "was") and replacing "preferred" with "favored" for a more formal tone.
"the manufacturing remained ranking in other town" -> "the manufacturing sector remained prominent in the other town"
Explanation: "Remained ranking" is grammatically incorrect. "Remained prominent" corrects this and adds formality.
"the percentage of labor forces" -> "the proportion of labor force"
Explanation: "Labor force" is the correct term when referring to the total number of people employed in an economy or industry, making it more precise and formal.
"shared the similar value of" -> "had similar values of"
Explanation: "Had similar values of" is grammatically correct and more formal than "shared the similar value of."
"the figure of employees" -> "the number of employees"
Explanation: "Number" is a more precise term than "figure" when referring to quantitative data.
"labors" -> "laborers"
Explanation: "Laborers" is the correct plural form of "laborer," which refers to workers in general, fitting the context better.
"the majority of workers selected manufacturing" -> "the majority of workers chose manufacturing"
Explanation: "Chose" is more specific and appropriate in this context than "selected," which sounds less natural in this context.
"continued to rank first" -> "remained the leading sector"
Explanation: "Remained the leading sector" is a more formal and precise way to describe the continued dominance of a sector.
"the second place belonged to the sales sector" -> "the second place was held by the sales sector"
Explanation: "Was held by" is a more formal and precise way to describe the position of a sector in a ranking.
"doubled the percentage of employees" -> "nearly doubled the proportion of employees"
Explanation: "Nearly doubled" is more accurate and formal than "doubled," which might imply an exact doubling, which is not the case here.
"the second common field" -> "the second most common field"
Explanation: "The second most common" is grammatically correct and more precise than "the second common."

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the text, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the pie charts, but the information is not always presented in a clear and concise way. For example, the essay states that "the services was the most preferred field in town A, whereas the manufacturing remained ranking in other town in 2010." This sentence is grammatically incorrect and does not clearly convey the information. The essay also includes some irrelevant details, such as the fact that the sales sector in town B doubled the percentage of employees in services in 1960. This information is not relevant to the main trends in the pie charts.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by presenting the information in a more concise and clear way. The writer should also focus on the main trends in the pie charts and avoid including irrelevant details. For example, the writer could state that "the services sector experienced the most significant growth in town A, while the manufacturing sector declined." This sentence is more concise and clearly conveys the main trend in the pie chart. The writer should also avoid grammatical errors and use more precise language.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, presenting a clear overall progression from the introduction to the analysis of the pie charts. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances where cohesion between sentences could be improved, leading to some mechanical flow. The referencing is not always clear, particularly when discussing the changes over time, which affects the overall clarity. The paragraphing is present but could be more logically structured to enhance the readability and organization of the information.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. This can be done by using a wider range of cohesive devices and ensuring that references to previous information are clear and accurate. Additionally, improving the logical structure of paragraphs by ensuring each one has a clear central topic and a smooth transition to the next would strengthen the coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary appropriate for the task, with some attempts to use less common lexical items. However, there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the services was the most preferred field" (should be "the services sector was the most preferred field") and "the manufacturing remained ranking in other town" (which is awkwardly phrased). Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "labors" instead of "labor" and "enrolled" in the context of workers, which is not the most suitable choice. These errors do not significantly impede communication, but they do detract from the overall clarity and precision of the essay.

How to improve: To improve the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision and accuracy. This includes ensuring correct collocations and avoiding awkward phrasing. Additionally, paying attention to spelling and word formation will enhance clarity. Practicing the use of synonyms and less common vocabulary in context can also help in achieving a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While it does convey the main ideas and comparisons effectively, there are several grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that detract from the overall clarity. For instance, phrases like "the services was the most preferred field" and "the manufacturing remained ranking in other town" contain grammatical inaccuracies. Additionally, the use of punctuation is inconsistent, which can lead to minor confusion for the reader. Overall, while the communication is generally effective, the errors present prevent it from achieving a higher band score.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Sentence Structure: Aim to use more varied sentence structures, ensuring that complex sentences are grammatically correct.
Subject-Verb Agreement: Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, as seen in "the services was" which should be "the services were."
Punctuation: Review the use of commas and other punctuation marks to improve clarity and flow.
Proofreading: Take time to proofread the essay to catch and correct minor errors before submission. This can help in reducing the frequency of grammatical mistakes.

Bài sửa mẫu

The pie charts illustrate the percentage of employees in three different sectors: manufacturing, sales, and services, in both towns A and B between 1960 and 2010.

Overall, it is noticeable that in 1960, the manufacturing sector accounted for the greatest proportion in both towns. Additionally, services was the most preferred field in town A, whereas manufacturing remained the leading sector in the other town in 2010.

Upon closer examination of the charts, it is revealed that in town A, the percentage of the labor force in manufacturing accounted for nearly half, at 41% in 1960. Moreover, the proportions of workers in sales and services were similar, at 30% and 29% respectively. However, the figure for employees in services significantly rose to 64% in 2010, becoming the highest percentage in the chart. By contrast, the two remaining sectors experienced a downward trend, with the percentage of laborers in manufacturing sharply decreasing to 20% and 16% in sales by 2010.

In terms of town B, the majority of workers were in manufacturing, with 70% in 1960, and this sector continued to rank first 50 years later with 58%. In 1960, the second place belonged to the sales sector with 20%, which was double the percentage of employees in services. However, by 2010, the second most common field was services, with 25% of workers, closely followed by the figure for sales workers at 22%.