The range of technology is increasing the gap between the rich and the poor. To what extent do you agree?

The range of technology is increasing the gap between the rich and the poor. To what extent do you agree?

Although the proliferation of technology brings humanity greater exposure to the information age, it has recently earned extreme social concerns regarding its contribution to human well-being. To be more precise, many people may regard it as the stimulator of economic inequality while others are against that. Personally, I align with the latter.
Firstly, it is unbalanced resources allocations in technological advancement that increasingly broadens the gap between wealthy and poverty. This is mainly because the government pools money and effort in massively purchasing technological facilities but plead ignorance on fostering the public horizon about the uses of those equipment. As a result, to adapt to the circumstance, the financially abundant facilitate themselves with the understanding of the technological world by taking education abroad while the poor are unable to afford advanced education, which escalates the inequality.
Besides, technological inventions play an integral part in bridging the existing gap between richer and poorer households. To illustrate, that the Internet started to be applied in agricultural economy, especially in less known areas, has successfully raised the mass’s awareness of crop production, thereby boosting market expansion and profitability. By that, a considerable statistic of the poor has been empowered to improve their living conditions.
That is not to say that technology totally supports the work towards inequality. Recently, the government has been more proactive in hosting science and technology contests among universities which is acknowledged to be one of the practical strategies encouraging their in-depth knowledge of the aspect. Yet, its sophistication and the burden of achievements demotivate undergraduates, as a result, there is a shrinkage in the number of participants, making the process of narrowing the gap ineffective.
In brief, on one hand, technology is conducive to curbing inequality that mostly results from unthoughtful allocation of resources. On the other hand, the negative impact of technological contest is undeniable. Therefore, only by taking the analysis of both strengths and weaknesses of the current society into account can the practitioners effectively tackle the dilemma.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "extreme social concerns" -> "heightened social concerns"
    Explanation: The term "extreme" might imply a certain degree of exaggeration or intensity that might not fully encapsulate the nuanced nature of these concerns. "Heightened" maintains the intensity but in a more formal and precise manner.

  2. "stimulator" -> "catalyst"
    Explanation: "Stimulator" is an uncommon term in this context. "Catalyst" better aligns with academic language, suggesting technology’s role in initiating or accelerating changes in society.

  3. "align with" -> "support"
    Explanation: "Align with" is slightly informal; "support" is a more straightforward and academically appropriate alternative in this context.

  4. "unbalanced resources allocations" -> "unequal allocation of resources"
    Explanation: "Unbalanced resources allocations" is awkward phrasing. "Unequal allocation of resources" maintains the meaning while using more conventional language.

  5. "plead ignorance" -> "neglect"
    Explanation: "Plead ignorance" sounds colloquial. "Neglect" is a more formal term to express the idea of disregarding or failing to attend to something.

  6. "financially abundant" -> "wealthy individuals"
    Explanation: "Financially abundant" is a less common phrase. "Wealthy individuals" is a more formal and clear term for those with significant financial resources.

  7. "facilitate themselves with" -> "access"
    Explanation: "Facilitate themselves with" is unnecessarily wordy. "Access" succinctly conveys the idea of obtaining or acquiring something.

  8. "illustrate, that the Internet started to be applied" -> "illustrate that the Internet’s application"
    Explanation: The original phrasing is convoluted. Simplifying it makes the sentence clearer and more academically appropriate.

  9. "less known areas" -> "less developed regions"
    Explanation: "Less known areas" might sound ambiguous. "Less developed regions" is a clearer term to describe certain geographical areas.

  10. "mass’s awareness" -> "masses’ awareness"
    Explanation: The possessive form "mass’s" is grammatically incorrect. "Masses’ awareness" correctly indicates awareness among the general population.

  11. "considerable statistic" -> "significant portion"
    Explanation: "Considerable statistic" is an awkward phrase. "Significant portion" is a more precise and suitable term.

  12. "hosting science and technology contests" -> "organizing science and technology competitions"
    Explanation: "Hosting science and technology contests" lacks the precision and formality of "organizing science and technology competitions," which better fits an academic context.

  13. "demotivate undergraduates" -> "discourage undergraduates"
    Explanation: "Demotivate" is slightly informal. "Discourage" maintains formality and clarity in expressing the impact on students.

  14. "shrinkage in the number of participants" -> "decrease in participant numbers"
    Explanation: "Shrinkage in the number of participants" is overly wordy. "Decrease in participant numbers" is a more concise and appropriate phrase.

  15. "taking the analysis of both strengths and weaknesses" -> "considering both strengths and weaknesses"
    Explanation: "Taking the analysis of both strengths and weaknesses" is a bit convoluted. "Considering both strengths and weaknesses" is a clearer and more direct way to express this idea.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address all parts of the question by discussing both sides of the argument (positive and negative impacts of technology on wealth inequality). However, the explanation could be more detailed, and some points lack clarity.

    • Strengths: The essay recognizes the dual perspectives on technology’s impact on inequality.

    • Weaknesses: The explanation lacks depth, and the distinction between positive and negative impacts could be clearer. For instance, the first paragraph introduces the negative aspect but does not delve into the positive impact until the third paragraph.

    • How to improve: Provide a more explicit and detailed exploration of both positive and negative aspects of technology’s impact on wealth inequality. Start by clearly presenting the positive and negative sides in separate sections to enhance clarity.

  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent position in favor of the negative impact of technology on wealth inequality. The stance is clear, but the essay could benefit from stronger thesis statements in the introduction and conclusion.

    • Strengths: The essay consistently argues against the idea that technology narrows the wealth gap.

    • Weaknesses: The thesis statements in the introduction and conclusion could be more explicit, providing a clear roadmap for the reader.

    • How to improve: Strengthen the thesis statements in the introduction and conclusion by explicitly stating the position on the impact of technology on wealth inequality.

  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks thorough development and support. Examples are provided, but they could be more specific and elaborated to strengthen the arguments.

    • Strengths: The essay uses examples to support the points made.

    • Weaknesses: Examples are somewhat general and lack specificity. The development of ideas is limited.

    • How to improve: Provide more detailed and specific examples to support arguments. Elaborate on each point, providing a more thorough exploration of ideas.

  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the impact of technology on wealth inequality. However, there are moments where the focus wavers, such as when discussing science and technology contests among universities.

    • Strengths: The essay predominantly maintains focus on the prompt.

    • Weaknesses: Some points, such as the discussion of technology contests, could be more directly related to the prompt.

    • How to improve: Ensure that every point made directly relates to the prompt. In the case of technology contests, explicitly connect it to its impact on wealth inequality to maintain relevance.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the prompt and maintains a consistent stance, improvements in depth of analysis, thesis statements, examples, and relevance to the topic can enhance overall clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. The introduction sets the stage by introducing the topic and the writer’s stance. Each paragraph develops a specific aspect of the argument, and the conclusion summarizes the key points. However, there are instances where the flow could be improved. For example, the transition from the first paragraph to the second could be smoother to enhance coherence.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure a smooth transition between paragraphs. Consider using transitional phrases or sentences to guide the reader from one idea to the next more seamlessly.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to present distinct ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, contributing to overall coherence. However, some paragraphs could be more tightly structured. For instance, the third paragraph covers both positive and negative aspects of technology, which might be clearer if separated into two paragraphs for each viewpoint.
    • How to improve: Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea and follows a logical structure. Divide paragraphs that discuss contrasting points to maintain clarity and coherence.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices reasonably well. There is a good use of linking words and phrases, such as "Firstly," and "Besides," which aids in signaling the flow of ideas. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the range of cohesive devices. The essay tends to rely on a few basic transitional phrases.
    • How to improve: Broaden the use of cohesive devices by incorporating a variety of transition words and phrases. This could include using synonyms for common transition words or employing more advanced cohesive devices to add sophistication to the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of coherence and cohesion, earning a band score of 7. To improve, focus on refining the transitions between paragraphs, ensuring each paragraph has a clear structure, and diversifying the range of cohesive devices for a more nuanced and sophisticated presentation.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, encompassing both general and specific terms related to the topic. For instance, terms such as "stimulator," "facilitate," and "sophistication" showcase a sophisticated lexical selection. The use of varied vocabulary contributes to a nuanced expression of ideas and enhances the overall quality of the essay.
    • How to improve: To further elevate the lexical range, consider incorporating more academic or subject-specific vocabulary where appropriate. This can be achieved by delving deeper into the nuances of the topic and exploring synonyms or alternative expressions.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally utilizes vocabulary with precision, but there are instances where more precise terms could be employed. For example, the phrase "unbalanced resource allocations" could be replaced with "disproportionate resource distribution" for greater precision. Additionally, the term "mass’s awareness" might benefit from a more specific word choice, such as "public awareness."
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to the context in which words are used and consider whether there are more exact or nuanced terms available. A thesaurus can be a valuable tool for identifying precise synonyms.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a generally high level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances where minor spelling errors occur, such as "unthoughtful" instead of "unthoughtful." While these errors do not significantly impede understanding, eliminating them would enhance the overall professionalism of the essay.
    • How to improve: Proofread the essay carefully, focusing specifically on common spelling pitfalls. Utilize spelling and grammar tools available in word processors to catch and correct errors. Developing a habit of thorough proofreading will contribute to improved spelling accuracy.

In summary, the essay exhibits a strong command of vocabulary, contributing to the overall effectiveness of communication. To further enhance lexical resource, continue expanding the range of vocabulary and strive for precision in word choice. Additionally, meticulous proofreading can eliminate minor spelling errors, ensuring a polished and professional presentation.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a commendable attempt to incorporate varied sentence structures, including complex sentences, compound sentences, and some use of dependent clauses. There’s an effort to introduce diverse sentence patterns, but the execution is sometimes hindered by minor grammatical errors or awkward phrasing.
    • How to improve: To enhance variety, consider employing more sophisticated sentence structures, such as inversion, participial phrases, and absolute phrases. Be cautious of sentence complexity and ensure clarity and coherence in complex structures.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar, although minor errors affect overall accuracy. Instances of subject-verb agreement issues and awkward phrasing slightly impact the fluency and precision of expression.
    • How to improve: Review sentence structure for subject-verb agreement and clarity. Consider revising sentences that seem convoluted or ambiguous to ensure a smoother flow and accuracy.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally well-applied, but inconsistencies and errors are noticeable. Commas are often used correctly to separate clauses and phrases, but occasional missing or misplaced commas affect readability. The use of punctuation to enhance clarity and coherence could be improved.
    • How to improve: Focus on mastering comma usage to demarcate phrases and clauses accurately. Pay attention to comma splices and missing commas after introductory phrases or clauses. Practice using semicolons and colons to enhance sentence structure and variety.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a proficient command of grammatical structures and a thoughtful attempt at varied sentence structures. To achieve a higher band score, refine sentence structures by incorporating more complex and varied forms while ensuring grammatical accuracy. Additionally, meticulous attention to punctuation will further enhance the clarity and coherence of ideas presented.

Bài sửa mẫu

Although technology’s widespread integration into society offers access to the information age, it has sparked heightened social concerns about its impact on human well-being. Many view it as a catalyst for economic inequality, while others hold a different perspective. Personally, I align with the latter view.

Primarily, the unequal allocation of resources in technological advancement widens the gap between the wealthy and the impoverished. This stems from governments heavily investing in technological facilities while neglecting to educate the public on their usage. Consequently, the financially affluent gain a comprehensive understanding of technology through education abroad, furthering the disparity as the economically disadvantaged cannot afford such advanced education.

Moreover, technological innovations can play a crucial role in bridging the gap between richer and poorer households. For instance, the Internet’s application in agricultural economies, particularly in less developed regions, has increased masses’ awareness of crop production, leading to market expansion and profitability. This empowerment has notably improved the living conditions of a significant portion of the impoverished.

However, technology alone does not unequivocally support the reduction of inequality. Despite government initiatives to host science and technology competitions among universities, aimed at fostering in-depth knowledge in this field, the sophistication of these contests and the pressure for exceptional achievements discourage undergraduates. Consequently, there has been a decrease in participant numbers, hindering the effectiveness of narrowing the gap.

In conclusion, while technology can contribute to alleviating inequality stemming from careless resource allocation, its negative impacts, like discouraging participation in competitions, are undeniable. Hence, addressing the dilemma effectively requires a comprehensive understanding of both the strengths and weaknesses of the current societal landscape.

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