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The shortage of housing in big cities can cause severe consequences and only governmental actions can solve the problem. Do you agree or disagree?

The shortage of housing in big cities can cause severe consequences and only governmental actions can solve the problem. Do you agree or disagree?

In today’s society, the housing shortage in megacities is an urgent issue. Some opine that only authority can take action to tackle it effectively. Personally, I hold a similar view with the given statement.

To commence, the shortage of accommodation leads to an increase of slums with poor living conditions. In fact, slums which have a high risk of fire because of its flammable material construction. Concurrently, people living in slums are vulnerable to get diseases such as related-respiratory diseases if they do not have a clean water resource and proper sanitation. Another consequence caused by the scarcity of land is the high cost of housing. As housing demand surges but the supply cannot keep up, rent and property prices have soared, especially in the big cities where people migrate in quest of better jobs. Therefore, immigrants might suffer from the financial burden and a great amount of stress as earning money to meet a basic need.

Additionally, it is supposed that the state solely can deal with these matters. One of the most practical solutions is that the government should replace single-house into complex housing which provides more space and guarantees individuals have their own house. Another solution is building public housing – a form of government-subsidized housing for impoverished people and low-income families. People struggling with finance would access housing with affordable expenses so the state can better regulate homelessness problem.

After a discerning analysis, I reaffirm my position that the shortage of housing results in some serious consequences that can be solved by the erection of social housing and complex buildings.


 

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. “Some opine” -> “Some argue”
    Explanation: Replacing “Some opine” with “Some argue” maintains formality and avoids the somewhat informal tone associated with “opine.”
  2. “Personally, I hold a similar view with the given statement.” -> “Personally, I concur with the provided statement.”
    Explanation: The phrase “I hold a similar view” can be replaced with the more formal “I concur,” enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.
  3. “To commence” -> “To begin”
    Explanation: “To commence” is a somewhat formal expression that might be considered overly complex. “To begin” is a simpler and more commonly used phrase in academic writing.
  4. “In fact, slums which have a high risk of fire because of its flammable material construction.” -> “Indeed, slums, characterized by flammable construction materials, pose a high risk of fire.”
    Explanation: The phrase “In fact” can be replaced with “Indeed” for a more formal tone. Also, rephrasing the sentence for clarity and using the appropriate possessive pronoun (“their” instead of “its”) improves precision.
  5. “Concurrently, people living in slums are vulnerable to get diseases such as related-respiratory diseases if they do not have a clean water resource and proper sanitation.” -> “Simultaneously, residents of slums are susceptible to contracting respiratory diseases due to the lack of clean water resources and proper sanitation.”
    Explanation: “Concurrently” can be replaced with “Simultaneously” for a more formal choice. Additionally, restructuring the sentence and using the term “residents” improves clarity and formality.
  6. “Another consequence caused by the scarcity of land is the high cost of housing.” -> “Another repercussion of land scarcity is the exorbitant cost of housing.”
    Explanation: Replacing “caused by” with “repercussion of” and using “exorbitant” instead of “high” elevates the academic tone and precision of the sentence.
  7. “Therefore, immigrants might suffer from the financial burden and a great amount of stress as earning money to meet a basic need.” -> “Therefore, immigrants may endure financial burdens and considerable stress while striving to meet their basic needs.”
    Explanation: Reframing the sentence with more precise language, such as “endure” instead of “suffer from,” contributes to a more formal tone.
  8. “Additionally, it is supposed that the state solely can deal with these matters.” -> “Moreover, it is asserted that only the state can address these issues.”
    Explanation: Replacing “supposed” with “asserted” and rephrasing the sentence with “only the state” enhances the formality of the expression.
  9. “One of the most practical solutions is that the government should replace single-house into complex housing which provides more space and guarantees individuals have their own house.” -> “One of the most practical solutions is for the government to transition from single-house units to complex housing, offering increased space and ensuring individuals have their own homes.”
    Explanation: Replacing “replace” with “transition,” and refining the phrasing for clarity and formality improves the overall expression.
  10. “After a discerning analysis, I reaffirm my position that the shortage of housing results in some serious consequences that can be solved by the erection of social housing and complex buildings.” -> “Upon careful analysis, I reassert my position that the housing shortage leads to significant consequences that can be mitigated through the construction of social housing and complex buildings.”
    Explanation: Replacing “discerning” with “careful,” and using “reassert” instead of “reaffirm” contributes to a more academically appropriate tone.

 

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: “In today’s society, the housing shortage in megacities is an urgent issue. Some opine that only authority can take action to tackle it effectively. Personally, I hold a similar view with the given statement.”
    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: Your introduction effectively addresses the essay prompt and clearly states your position on the issue, adhering to the Task Response criteria. However, to enhance clarity and guide the reader, consider providing a brief overview of the main reasons or arguments you will discuss in support of your agreement with the statement. This will set the stage for a more organized and comprehensible essay.
    • Improved example: “In today’s society, the housing shortage in megacities is an urgent issue. Some opine that only authority can take action to tackle it effectively. Personally, I hold a similar view with the given statement. In the following paragraphs, I will delve into the consequences of housing shortages, emphasizing the importance of governmental intervention and proposing practical solutions.”
  2. Quoted text: “To commence, the shortage of accommodation leads to an increase of slums with poor living conditions. In fact, slums which have a high risk of fire because of its flammable material construction. Concurrently, people living in slums are vulnerable to get diseases such as related-respiratory diseases if they do not have a clean water resource and proper sanitation. Another consequence caused by the scarcity of land is the high cost of housing.”
    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: Your development of ideas is generally good, covering various consequences of the housing shortage. However, the second sentence lacks clarity. Consider revising to provide a smoother transition between the consequences of slums and the high cost of housing. Additionally, strive for a more explicit connection between the consequences and the need for governmental intervention.
    • Improved example: “To commence, the shortage of accommodation leads to an increase in slums with poor living conditions, characterized by a high risk of fire due to their flammable material construction. Moreover, residents of these slums are susceptible to respiratory diseases, especially when lacking access to clean water and proper sanitation. This dire situation contributes to another consequence of the scarcity of land – the soaring cost of housing. It is imperative for the government to address these interconnected issues through strategic interventions such as social housing programs.”
  3. Quoted text: “Additionally, it is supposed that the state solely can deal with these matters. One of the most practical solutions is that the government should replace single-house into complex housing which provides more space and guarantees individuals have their own house. Another solution is building public housing – a form of government-subsidized housing for impoverished people and low-income families. People struggling with finance would access housing with affordable expenses so the state can better regulate homelessness problem.”
    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: Your proposed solutions align with the Task Response criteria, offering a clear stance and relevant ideas. However, to strengthen your argument, elaborate on why these solutions are effective and how they directly address the consequences of housing shortages. Provide specific examples or details to make your recommendations more persuasive.
    • Improved example: “Additionally, it is imperative to recognize that the state plays a pivotal role in addressing these matters. A practical solution is for the government to transition from single-house constructions to complex housing models, offering more space and ensuring individuals have access to their own homes. Moreover, the implementation of public housing, a form of government-subsidized accommodation for impoverished people and low-income families, can significantly mitigate the financial burden on those struggling. For instance, such initiatives have proven successful in various countries, effectively regulating homelessness and providing stable living conditions for vulnerable populations.”

 

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of information and ideas, maintaining a clear progression throughout. The introduction provides a concise overview of the issue, and the body paragraphs effectively present consequences of housing shortages, such as slums and high costs. The use of cohesive devices is generally appropriate, with a mix of transitional phrases and linking words contributing to coherence. Paragraphing is mostly clear, with distinct central topics in each paragraph.

However, there are some instances of underuse and overuse of cohesive devices, affecting the overall cohesion. For example, the connection between the consequences mentioned in the first body paragraph and the proposed solutions in the second body paragraph could be strengthened. Additionally, the essay lacks some referencing and substitution, leading to occasional repetition, such as the repeated mention of financial challenges faced by immigrants.

How to improve:
To enhance coherence and cohesion, ensure a more seamless connection between ideas by using a wider range of cohesive devices consistently. Pay attention to referencing and substitution to avoid unnecessary repetition. Further develop the link between consequences and proposed solutions to create a more integrated and cohesive essay. Consider refining paragraphing to ensure a more logical flow of ideas.

 

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow flexibility and precision, meeting the criteria for Band 7. The writer employs a variety of words and expressions, attempting to use less common vocabulary with some awareness of style and collocation. There are occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation, but they do not severely impede communication. For example, the essay uses phrases like “urgent issue,” “commence,” “vulnerable to get diseases,” and “financial burden,” showcasing a varied vocabulary. However, there are instances of inaccuracies, such as “in quest of better jobs,” which could be refined for more precision.

How to improve:
To enhance the lexical resource, strive for greater precision in word choice and refine the use of less common vocabulary. Avoid expressions that may be considered less formal, like “in quest of,” and opt for more standard phrases. Proofreading for spelling and word formation errors, such as “erection” (which might be better replaced with “construction” for clarity), can further elevate the lexical quality of the essay. Aim for a more seamless integration of advanced vocabulary to reduce minor errors and enhance overall lexical control.

 

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and punctuation, using a variety of complex structures. There are frequent error-free sentences, and the overall control of grammar and punctuation is commendable. However, there are some minor errors, such as in the sentence “Another consequence caused by the scarcity of land is the high cost of housing,” where a more precise term like “resulting from” might enhance clarity. The essay also contains a few instances of awkward phrasing, such as “people struggling with finance,” which could be improved for better fluency. These issues, though, are relatively minor and do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve:
To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on refining sentence structures and choosing more precise and sophisticated vocabulary. Proofreading for awkward phrasing and refining expressions like “struggling with finance” to a more polished alternative would contribute to a smoother overall flow. Additionally, attention to transitional phrases can further elevate the essay’s coherence.

 

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary society, the lack of housing in large cities poses a pressing concern. Some believe that only government intervention can effectively address this issue. Personally, I share a similar perspective to the given statement.

To begin, the shortage of housing leads to the emergence of slums with substandard living conditions. These areas often use flammable materials in construction, significantly raising the risk of fires. Furthermore, residents in these slums are prone to contracting respiratory diseases due to inadequate access to clean water and proper sanitation. Additionally, the scarcity of land results in exorbitant housing costs. As the demand for housing surpasses the available supply, rents and property prices soar, particularly in major cities where individuals relocate in pursuit of better employment opportunities. Consequently, immigrants may face financial strain and considerable stress in meeting their basic housing needs.

Moreover, it is widely believed that addressing these issues is the responsibility of the government. One practical solution entails the government converting single-unit housing into multi-unit complexes, providing more space and ensuring individuals have their own homes. Another viable approach involves the construction of public housing – government-supported residences for financially disadvantaged individuals and low-income families. This initiative enables those facing financial challenges to access housing at affordable rates, thereby allowing the state to better address homelessness.

Upon careful consideration, I reaffirm my stance that the shortage of housing leads to serious consequences that can be addressed through the establishment of social housing and multi-unit buildings by the government.

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