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The table and the pie chart gives information about the population in Australia according to different nationalities and areas.

The table and the pie chart gives information about the population in Australia according to different nationalities and areas.

The pie chart depicts the proportion of Australian population according to distinct nationalities while the table reveals the information about the percentage of people who choose to live in urban or rural areas.
From a quick glance, one of the most outstanding features of the pie chart is that the rate of residents having Australian nationality outweighed the number of other nationalities. Besides, the table indicates that most dwellers in Australia preferred living in cities instead of countryside regardless of nationalities.
In terms of the pie chart,  the percentage of Australians accounted for the largest part, with approximately 73% which was followed by that of British and New Zealander, with 7% and 3%, respectively. Conversely, Dutch seemed to be a nationality having the lowest number among 5selected nationalities, with just 1%, being 1% lower than the rate of Chinese. Besides, 14% of the population in Australia come from other countries. Regarding the table, 99% of the Chinese inhabiting in Australia decided to dwell in cities, followed by the data for New Zealander and British, with around 10% lower for both figures. Remarkably, the highest rate of people living in the countryside was recorded to be Australians, with 20%, being slightly higher than 17% of the Dutch. 


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "depicts" -> "illustrates"
    Explanation: "Illustrates" is a more formal and descriptive term commonly used in academic or technical writing to convey the idea of representing data visually.

  2. "proportion" -> "distribution"
    Explanation: "Distribution" is a more precise term when referring to the arrangement or spread of something, such as the distribution of population according to nationalities in this context.

  3. "outstanding features" -> "prominent characteristics"
    Explanation: "Prominent characteristics" is a more sophisticated phrase that enhances the formal tone of the description, suitable for academic or analytical writing.

  4. "rate" -> "proportion"
    Explanation: "Proportion" is a more accurate term when discussing the percentage of people belonging to specific nationalities in the pie chart context.

  5. "dwellers" -> "residents"
    Explanation: "Residents" is a more formal and appropriate term to refer to people living in a particular place, maintaining consistency in tone throughout the essay.

  6. "seemed to be" -> "appeared to be"
    Explanation: "Appeared to be" is a stronger and more assertive phrase, conveying the idea with more confidence and clarity.

  7. "selected" -> "specified"
    Explanation: "Specified" is a more precise term in this context, indicating the particular nationalities mentioned in the data rather than merely chosen or selected.

  8. "come from" -> "originated from"
    Explanation: "Originated from" is a more formal and accurate phrase to describe the nationalities of people residing in Australia, providing a clearer indication of their country of origin.

  9. "decided to dwell" -> "chose to reside"
    Explanation: "Chose to reside" is a more formal and precise expression, aligning with the formal tone of the essay and conveying the idea of making a deliberate choice to live in a certain place.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by presenting both the pie chart and the table and summarizing the key information from each. The overview provided for both the pie chart and the table is clear and presents the main trends in the data. The essay effectively highlights key features such as the dominance of Australians in the population, the preference for urban living among different nationalities, and the variations in percentages among nationalities in both urban and rural areas.

How to improve: To improve, consider providing more detail in the explanation of the data presented in the pie chart and table. Additionally, ensure that all information provided is accurate and relevant to the task.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay arranges information coherently, with a clear overall progression from describing the data sources to summarizing findings. Cohesive devices are used effectively to link ideas within sentences and between paragraphs, though there are occasional instances of mechanical cohesion. Paragraphing is utilized, but not consistently logically. The central topics within each paragraph are generally clear, focusing on either the pie chart or the table.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, ensure a more consistent logical flow within and between paragraphs. Use a wider variety of cohesive devices to strengthen connections between ideas. Additionally, pay closer attention to paragraph organization to ensure a smoother transition between topics and ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. It addresses the main features of the pie chart and table but lacks variety and precision in lexical choice. The vocabulary used is basic and repetitive in some instances ("nationalities," "rate," "population," "cities," "countryside"). There are noticeable errors in word choice and word formation throughout the essay ("inhabiting," "dwelling," "the rate of residents having Australian nationality," "recorded to be Australians").

How to improve:

  1. Expand Vocabulary Range: Include more varied and precise vocabulary to describe data, such as "proportion," "percentage," "dwellers," "residents," "citizens," etc.
  2. Use More Natural Phrasing: Avoid awkward or unnatural phrasing like "the rate of residents having Australian nationality" and instead use more natural expressions like "the percentage of Australians."
  3. Accuracy in Word Choice and Formation: Pay attention to accuracy in word choice and formation to avoid errors like "inhabiting" instead of "inhabitants," "dwelling" instead of "live," and incorrect use of prepositions.

This feedback is aimed at improving the lexical resource by enhancing vocabulary variety and accuracy, leading to clearer and more precise communication.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
This essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, covering the main points of the provided prompt. There is an attempt to use a variety of sentence structures, though some sentences could be more varied to enhance readability and coherence. While there are grammatical errors and punctuation issues throughout the essay, they do not significantly hinder communication.

How to improve:

  1. Work on achieving greater sentence variety to enhance coherence and readability.
  2. Pay closer attention to grammatical accuracy, particularly in verb agreement and sentence structure.
  3. Review punctuation usage to ensure clarity and consistency.

Bài sửa mẫu

The pie chart illustrates the demographic distribution of the Australian population according to various nationalities, while the accompanying table delineates the percentage of individuals residing in urban and rural areas.

Upon initial inspection, the preeminent feature of the pie chart is the dominance of Australian nationals among the population. Conversely, the table highlights a prevailing preference for urban residency across all nationalities within Australia.

Examining the pie chart, Australians constitute the largest segment, comprising approximately 73% of the population. This is notably higher than the proportions of British and New Zealand nationals, accounting for 7% and 3% respectively. In contrast, the Dutch population represents the smallest fraction at 1%, which is marginally lower than the Chinese population. Additionally, individuals from other countries collectively constitute 14% of the Australian populace.

Turning to the table data, it is evident that 99% of Chinese residents opt for urban living, followed by New Zealanders and British nationals, each with a slightly lower preference of approximately 10%. Notably, Australians exhibit the highest propensity for rural dwelling at 20%, marginally surpassing the 17% of Dutch nationals.

In summary, the pie chart and table collectively reveal a demographic landscape in Australia where Australian nationals predominate, and urban residency is favored across all nationalities, albeit with variations in preference.

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