The table below gives information about the percentage of workforce employed in six industries in Australia between 1989 and 2009. Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main feature and make comparisons where relevant

The table compares how many workforce employed in six countries in Australia over the period shown.
Overall, there were downward trends in the proportion of labor in Manufacturing and Retail, while the opposite can be seen in the case of others. Another outstanding feature is that initially manufacturing was the most popular amongst employees, which was eventually overtaken by healthcare.

The share of people who are workforce in healthcare started at 9.6% in 1989, afterwhich it experienced a growth to 11.3% in 2009. Conversely, the figure for Manufacturing and Retail industries dropped slightly from 15% and 11.8% in 1989 to 9.8% and 10.1%, respectively in 2095.

5% labor who employed in Tourism in 1989, the lowest of the year, with a subsequent rise to 7.3% in 2009. Similar changes, but to a lesser extents, were
Seen in the figure of construction in education, which saw small rises, both just below 1% by the end of the period

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"workforce employed" -> "number of workers employed"
Explanation: "Number of workers employed" is more precise and formal, providing a clearer and more academic description of the data being presented.
"downward trends" -> "declining trends"
Explanation: "Declining trends" is a more precise and formal term that is commonly used in academic and professional contexts to describe decreasing patterns.
"the opposite can be seen" -> "the opposite trend is observed"
Explanation: "The opposite trend is observed" is more formal and precise, fitting better in an academic context where objectivity and clarity are essential.
"Another outstanding feature is that" -> "Another notable feature is that"
Explanation: "Notable" is a more academically appropriate adjective than "outstanding," which can sound overly emotional and informal.
"most popular amongst employees" -> "most prevalent among employees"
Explanation: "Prevalent" is a more formal and precise term than "popular," which is somewhat informal and vague in this context.
"was eventually overtaken" -> "was eventually surpassed"
Explanation: "Surpassed" is a more precise and formal verb than "overtaken," which is less commonly used in academic writing.
"people who are workforce" -> "workers"
Explanation: "Workers" is a more direct and formal term than "people who are workforce," which is awkward and unclear.
"afterwhich" -> "after which"
Explanation: "After which" is the correct form of the conjunction, whereas "afterwhich" is a typographical error.
"experienced a growth" -> "experienced growth"
Explanation: "Experienced growth" is a more natural and concise expression, eliminating the unnecessary article "a."
"dropped slightly" -> "declined slightly"
Explanation: "Declined" is a more formal and precise term than "dropped," which is somewhat informal for academic writing.
"lowest of the year" -> "lowest point of the year"
Explanation: "Lowest point of the year" is a more specific and formal way to describe the minimum value in the data.
"Similar changes, but to a lesser extents" -> "Similar changes, albeit to a lesser extent"
Explanation: "Albeit" is a more formal conjunction than "but," and "extent" should be singular when referring to a single characteristic.
"small rises" -> "small increases"
Explanation: "Increases" is a more formal and precise term than "rises," which is less commonly used in academic writing.
"just below 1%" -> "approximately 1%"
Explanation: "Approximately" is a more formal and precise term than "just below," which is somewhat colloquial and vague.

These changes enhance the formal tone and precision of the text, aligning it more closely with academic standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, identifying the industries that experienced growth and those that experienced decline. It also highlights the key features of the data, such as the fact that manufacturing was the most popular industry in 1989 but was overtaken by healthcare in 2009. However, the essay does not fully extend the key features and some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the figure for manufacturing and retail industries dropped slightly from 15% and 11.8% in 1989 to 9.8% and 10.1%, respectively in 2095. This is inaccurate, as the figures for 2009 are 9.8% and 10.1%, not 2095.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more detailed analysis of the trends and key features. For example, the essay could discuss the reasons for the decline in manufacturing and retail, or the reasons for the growth in healthcare. The essay could also be improved by providing more accurate data.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to summarize the data and make comparisons, the ideas are not clearly arranged, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate, with instances of repetition and inaccuracies in referencing. For example, phrases like "the share of people who are workforce" and "5% labor who employed" are awkwardly constructed and hinder clarity. Additionally, paragraphing is not effectively utilized, as the essay does not clearly separate different ideas or sections, which detracts from coherence.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on clearly organizing ideas in a logical sequence. This can be achieved by using appropriate cohesive devices to connect sentences and paragraphs more effectively. Improving the clarity of referencing and ensuring that each paragraph presents a distinct central topic will also help. Lastly, attention to grammatical accuracy and proper paragraph structure will contribute to a more coherent and cohesive essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey the main features of the data, the use of vocabulary is basic and repetitive, particularly in phrases like "the share of people who are workforce" and "the lowest of the year." There are noticeable errors in word choice, such as "how many workforce employed" instead of "how many workers were employed," and "5% labor who employed" which is grammatically incorrect. Additionally, spelling and word formation errors, such as "2095" instead of "2009" and "to a lesser extents," detract from clarity and may cause some difficulty for the reader.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and more precise word choices. Incorporating less common lexical items and ensuring correct collocations would improve the essay’s sophistication. Additionally, careful proofreading to eliminate spelling and grammatical errors would help in conveying the message more clearly and effectively.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures and attempts to use complex sentences, but these attempts are often inaccurate. There are frequent grammatical errors, such as "how many workforce employed" (should be "how many workers were employed") and "the figure for Manufacturing and Retail industries dropped slightly" (should be "the figures for the Manufacturing and Retail industries dropped slightly"). Additionally, punctuation errors are present, such as missing commas and incorrect sentence fragments. These issues can cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the information presented.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Sentence Structure: Use a wider variety of sentence structures, including more complex sentences, while ensuring they are grammatically correct.
Subject-Verb Agreement: Ensure that subjects and verbs agree in number (e.g., "workforce" should be "workers").
Punctuation: Pay attention to punctuation rules, particularly with commas and periods, to improve clarity.
Proofreading: Review the essay for common grammatical errors and correct them before submission.

Bài sửa mẫu

The table compares the percentage of the workforce employed in six industries in Australia over the period shown. Overall, there were downward trends in the proportion of labor in Manufacturing and Retail, while the opposite can be seen in the case of the other industries. Another notable feature is that initially, Manufacturing was the most popular among employees, which was eventually overtaken by Healthcare.

The share of people employed in Healthcare started at 9.6% in 1989, after which it experienced growth to 11.3% in 2009. Conversely, the figures for the Manufacturing and Retail industries dropped slightly from 15% and 11.8% in 1989 to 9.8% and 10.1%, respectively, in 2009.

In 1989, 5% of the workforce was employed in Tourism, the lowest of the year, with a subsequent rise to 7.3% in 2009. Similar changes, but to a lesser extent, were seen in the figures for Construction and Education, which both saw small increases, each just below 1% by the end of the period.