The table below shows information about age, average income per person and population below poverty line in three states in USA in 2015.
The table below shows information about age, average income per person and population below poverty line in three states in USA in 2015.
The diagram presented offers a detailed analysis of age distribution, average income earned by residents, and the percentage of the population living below the poverty line in three states in 2015.
In Utah, the proportion of individuals aged under 18 years accounted for 28%, a notably high figure that contrasts sharply with the 8% of those aged over 60 years and the 9% living below the poverty line, which illustrates higher birth rates. The median income in this state reached only $17,000, potentially reflecting challenges in financial stability for families.
In Florida, the statistic of individuals under 18 years constituted 16%, while those living below the poverty line were much lower, representing 12%. In contrast, residents over 60 years comprised 23%, which shows that the number of elderly individuals in Florida outweighs the number of youngsters and poor people. Each occupant earned an average of $22,000.
The proportions of residents aged under 18 and over 60 in California were recorded at 17% and 13%, respectively, whereas the population living below the poverty line accounted for 16%. The figures analyzed in California are shown to be more balanced when compared with Utah and Florida. The average earnings per individual in this state reached $23,000, marking the highest value in the collected data.
Overall, Utah has the smallest percentage of individuals aged over 60 at 8% and the highest percentage of those aged under 18 at 28% compared to California and Florida. Furthermore, the rate of the population living below the poverty line in California exceeds that of the other two regions by 16%, despite it having the peak average income per person.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"the diagram presented offers a detailed analysis" -> "the diagram presented provides a comprehensive overview"
Explanation: "Provides" is a more formal verb than "offers," and "comprehensive overview" conveys a broader scope than "detailed analysis," enhancing the academic tone. -
"a notably high figure that contrasts sharply" -> "a significantly high figure that contrasts markedly"
Explanation: "Significantly" is a more precise term than "notably," and "contrasts markedly" maintains a formal tone while emphasizing the strength of the contrast. -
"which illustrates higher birth rates" -> "indicative of higher birth rates"
Explanation: "Indicative of" is more formal and precise than "which illustrates," providing clarity in the causal relationship without informal language. -
"the statistic of individuals under 18 years constituted" -> "the proportion of individuals under 18 years constituted"
Explanation: "Proportion" is a more accurate term in this context than "statistic," as it specifically refers to the relative size of a group within a population. -
"were much lower, representing 12%" -> "were notably lower, at 12%"
Explanation: "Notably lower" maintains a formal tone while "at 12%" is more direct and precise than "representing 12%." -
"which shows that the number of elderly individuals in Florida outweighs the number of youngsters and poor people" -> "indicating that the population of elderly individuals in Florida exceeds that of younger individuals and those living in poverty"
Explanation: "Indicating" is more formal than "which shows," and "exceeds" is a more precise term than "outweighs." Additionally, "younger individuals" and "those living in poverty" are more respectful and formal than "youngsters and poor people." -
"The proportions of residents aged under 18 and over 60 in California were recorded at 17% and 13%, respectively" -> "The proportions of residents aged under 18 and over 60 in California were documented at 17% and 13%, respectively"
Explanation: "Documented" is a more formal term than "recorded," enhancing the academic tone. -
"the figures analyzed in California are shown to be more balanced" -> "the figures analyzed in California demonstrate a more balanced distribution"
Explanation: "Demonstrate" is a stronger verb than "are shown," and "balanced distribution" is more precise than "more balanced." -
"marking the highest value in the collected data" -> "representing the highest value in the dataset"
Explanation: "Representing" is more formal than "marking," and "dataset" is a more precise term than "collected data." -
"the rate of the population living below the poverty line in California exceeds that of the other two regions by 16%" -> "the percentage of the population living below the poverty line in California surpasses that of the other two regions by 16%"
Explanation: "Percentage" is more precise than "rate," and "surpasses" is a more formal alternative to "exceeds," enhancing the academic tone.
Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6
Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the data presented in the table, but it does not fully satisfy all the requirements of the task. The essay presents some key features of the data, but it does not fully extend the analysis. For example, the essay states that "the figures analyzed in California are shown to be more balanced when compared with Utah and Florida," but it does not provide any specific details to support this claim.
How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more detailed analysis of the data. For example, the essay could compare the average income per person in each state to the percentage of the population living below the poverty line. The essay could also discuss the possible reasons for the differences in the data between the three states.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay logically organizes information and ideas, demonstrating clear progression throughout. Each paragraph presents a central topic, focusing on the age distribution, average income, and poverty levels in each state. The use of cohesive devices is appropriate, although there are instances of slight overuse, particularly in the transitions between states. The paragraphing is generally effective, but there are moments where the connections between ideas could be more fluid.
How to improve: To enhance the coherence and cohesion of the essay, the writer could work on varying the cohesive devices used to avoid redundancy and ensure smoother transitions between ideas. Additionally, refining the paragraph structure to ensure that each paragraph flows seamlessly into the next would improve overall clarity and progression. Finally, incorporating more explicit referencing could strengthen the connections between the data presented.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for some flexibility and precision in conveying information. The use of less common lexical items, such as "constituted," "accounted for," and "illustrates," shows an awareness of style and collocation. However, there are occasional inaccuracies in word choice, such as "the statistic of individuals under 18 years constituted 16%," which could be more naturally phrased. Additionally, there are minor errors in spelling and word formation that do not impede communication, such as "the average earnings per individual in this state reached $23,000, marking the highest value in the collected data," where "marking" could be misinterpreted in context.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to use a wider range of sophisticated vocabulary with more precision. They could also work on refining their word choice to avoid awkward phrasing and ensure that all terms are used correctly in context. Increasing the variety of expressions and reducing minor errors in spelling and word formation would also contribute positively to the overall score.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex structures and produces frequent error-free sentences. The grammatical range is good, with a mix of simple and complex sentences used effectively to convey information. However, there are a few grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that slightly detract from the overall accuracy. For instance, the phrase "which shows that the number of elderly individuals in Florida outweighs the number of youngsters and poor people" could be more clearly articulated. Despite these minor issues, the overall control of grammar and punctuation is solid, allowing for clear communication.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on refining sentence structures to enhance clarity and coherence. Additionally, minimizing grammatical errors and ensuring that complex sentences are used accurately will help improve the overall accuracy. Practicing varied sentence constructions and reviewing grammatical rules can also contribute to achieving a higher level of proficiency.
Bài sửa mẫu
The diagram presented offers a detailed analysis of age distribution, average income earned by residents, and the percentage of the population living below the poverty line in three states in 2015. In Utah, the proportion of individuals aged under 18 years accounted for 28%, a notably high figure that contrasts sharply with the 8% of those aged over 60 years and the 9% living below the poverty line, illustrating higher birth rates. The median income in this state reached only $17,000, potentially reflecting challenges in financial stability for families.
In Florida, the percentage of individuals under 18 years constituted 16%, while those living below the poverty line were significantly lower, representing 12%. In contrast, residents over 60 years comprised 23%, indicating that the number of elderly individuals in Florida outweighs the number of youngsters and those living in poverty. Each resident earned an average of $22,000.
The proportions of residents aged under 18 and over 60 in California were recorded at 17% and 13%, respectively, whereas the population living below the poverty line accounted for 16%. The figures analyzed in California appear to be more balanced when compared with Utah and Florida. The average earnings per individual in this state reached $23,000, marking the highest value in the collected data.
Overall, Utah has the smallest percentage of individuals aged over 60 at 8% and the highest percentage of those aged under 18 at 28% compared to California and Florida. Furthermore, the rate of the population living below the poverty line in California exceeds that of the other two regions by 16%, despite it having the highest average income per person.
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