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The table below shows information about age, average income per person and population below poverty line in three states in USA

The table below shows information about age, average income per person and population below poverty line in three states in USA

A glance at the graph provided reveals the proportion of each specific age group, salaries per person and the poor in three nations in the USA.
Some particularly interesting facts highlighted by the figure is that the average earnings of Utah is moderately lower than others. However, surprisingly, This state has the lowest percentage of low-income. The opposite is true for California.
Firstly, Utah and Florida have some remarkable differences. Particularly, the number of young people in Utah is the highest with 28%. In contrast, this age group is only about 16% and is the lowest. Furthermore, the second group in Utah is 8%, the smallest number while the rate of old people is around triple that of Utah with 23%. Unquestionably, As for Utah, although its per capita income is only $17,000, lower than others , this state witnesses the lowest poverty rate, at 9% and in Florida, the salaried per person is the approximately highest with just lower than California about 1000 while its percentage of low-income gets the second rank about 12%.
In California, it takes the second place with both of two age groups particularly teenagers and old people, respectively, 17% and 13%. However, it is interesting to note that the earnings per head in this nation is higher than any one, specifically 23.000 although the percentage of poverty is 16%, the highest rate.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "A glance at the graph provided reveals" -> "A cursory examination of the provided graph reveals"
    Explanation: Replacing "A glance at" with "A cursory examination of" adds formality and precision to the statement, making it more suitable for an academic context.

  2. "salaries per person" -> "per capita income"
    Explanation: Substituting "salaries per person" with "per capita income" is a more precise and economically accurate term, enhancing the clarity of the description.

  3. "particularly interesting facts highlighted by the figure is" -> "noteworthy trends highlighted by the figure are"
    Explanation: Changing "particularly interesting facts highlighted by the figure is" to "noteworthy trends highlighted by the figure are" corrects the subject-verb agreement and improves the overall structure of the sentence.

  4. "The opposite is true for California" -> "Conversely, this is not the case for California"
    Explanation: Replacing "The opposite is true for" with "Conversely, this is not the case for" provides a more sophisticated and formal expression, strengthening the contrast between Utah and California.

  5. "some remarkable differences" -> "significant disparities"
    Explanation: Substituting "some remarkable differences" with "significant disparities" elevates the level of vocabulary, conveying a stronger sense of contrast between Utah and Florida.

  6. "about triple that of Utah with 23%" -> "approximately three times that of Utah, standing at 23%"
    Explanation: Changing "about triple that of" to "approximately three times that of" adds precision and clarity to the comparison, making the information more explicit.

  7. "Unquestionably, As for Utah" -> "Undoubtedly, in the case of Utah"
    Explanation: Replacing "Unquestionably, As for" with "Undoubtedly, in the case of" improves the flow and formality of the sentence, creating a smoother transition between statements.

  8. "while its percentage of low-income gets the second rank about 12%" -> "with its low-income percentage ranking second, at approximately 12%"
    Explanation: Adjusting "while its percentage of low-income gets the second rank about" to "with its low-income percentage ranking second, at approximately" enhances the precision and structure of the sentence.

  9. "particularly teenagers and old people" -> "specifically, adolescents and the elderly"
    Explanation: Substituting "particularly teenagers and old people" with "specifically, adolescents and the elderly" introduces more formal and precise terminology, improving the overall clarity of the sentence.

  10. "it is interesting to note that the earnings per head" -> "it is noteworthy that the per capita income"
    Explanation: Changing "it is interesting to note that the earnings per head" to "it is noteworthy that the per capita income" adds a more formal tone and accuracy to the statement, aligning with economic terminology.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay effectively covers the requirements of the task by presenting a clear overview of the main trends in age distribution, average income per person, and the population below the poverty line in three states of the USA. The writer makes efforts to highlight key features and differences among the states, such as the contrast between Utah’s lower average earnings but the lowest poverty rate. The essay also provides specific percentages and figures to support its points, demonstrating a good understanding of the data.

How to improve:
To achieve a higher band score, the essay could benefit from more extensive development of key features and bullet points. While the writer touches on some interesting points, there is room for more in-depth analysis of the data and its implications. Additionally, ensuring a smoother flow of ideas and improving sentence structures would enhance overall coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to organize information coherently, with a clear overall progression. There is a logical structure, presenting information about age, income, and poverty in three states. However, there are some issues with cohesion. For instance, the transition between ideas is not always smooth, and there are instances of faulty or mechanical cohesion within sentences. Additionally, there is a lack of clear referencing and substitution, making the writing somewhat repetitive. The use of paragraphing is present, but it is not always logical, affecting the flow of the essay.

How to improve:

  1. Cohesion Within Sentences: Ensure that cohesive devices within sentences are used more effectively to create a smoother flow. Avoid mechanical or forced connections and work on refining the transitions between ideas.

  2. Referencing and Substitution: Vary the language used for referencing and substitution to avoid repetition. This will enhance the clarity and sophistication of the essay.

  3. Logical Paragraphing: Pay closer attention to paragraphing. Each paragraph should focus on a clear central topic, contributing to the overall coherence. Consider restructuring paragraphs to enhance the logical organization of ideas.

  4. Sentence Structure: Aim for varied sentence structures to add complexity and coherence. This can contribute to a more sophisticated expression of ideas.

Overall, the essay shows promise but needs refinement in the areas mentioned to achieve a higher coherence and cohesion band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for some flexibility and precision. The writer uses less common lexical items with awareness of style and collocation, contributing to a fairly fluent expression of ideas. There are occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation, but they do not significantly impede communication. The essay effectively presents information about age, income, and poverty in the three states, and the writer skillfully employs vocabulary to convey specific details.

How to improve:
To enhance the Lexical Resource and move towards a higher band score, focus on refining the accuracy of word choice, especially in terms of collocation. Additionally, pay attention to minor errors in spelling and word formation to improve overall language precision. Incorporating a wider range of vocabulary, particularly in describing trends or making comparisons, can contribute to a more sophisticated and nuanced expression of ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.5

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, attempting to convey a comparison between three states in the USA based on age demographics, income per capita, and poverty rates. The essay includes varied sentence structures, although there are instances of sentence structure issues and some errors in grammar and punctuation that slightly affect the overall communication. There is an attempt to use complex sentences, but they tend to lack accuracy, impacting the clarity of the content. The essay generally communicates the main points but could benefit from greater precision and accuracy in language use.

How to improve:

  1. Sentence Structure Clarity: Focus on structuring complex sentences more accurately to enhance clarity and coherence. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and appropriate use of subordinate clauses.
  2. Grammar and Punctuation: Review grammar rules and punctuation usage, particularly with regard to sentence boundaries, verb tenses, and punctuation marks like commas and periods.
  3. Language Precision: Strive for clearer and more precise language use. Avoid awkward phrasing and ensure accuracy in conveying ideas.

Improving sentence structure clarity and precision in language use will significantly enhance the essay’s grammatical range and accuracy, raising the overall band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided table illustrates data pertaining to age distribution, average income per individual, and the percentage of the population below the poverty line in three states within the United States.

In examining the graph, it becomes evident that Utah, California, and Florida exhibit variations in terms of demographic composition, individual income levels, and poverty rates. Notably, Utah stands out with a moderately lower average income compared to the other states. However, intriguingly, it boasts the lowest percentage of individuals living below the poverty line, contrary to California.

To delve into the specifics, Utah and Florida manifest notable distinctions. Primarily, the proportion of young individuals in Utah is strikingly high at 28%, a significant contrast to Florida’s mere 16%, which represents the lowest among the three states. Additionally, the second age group in Utah constitutes only 8%, the smallest among the three, while the elderly demographic in Utah is approximately three times higher than that of Florida, standing at 23%. Despite Utah’s per capita income being $17,000, comparatively lower than the other states, it records the lowest poverty rate at 9%. Conversely, in Florida, the average income per person is nearly the highest, falling just below California at approximately $1000, yet its percentage of individuals below the poverty line ranks second at 12%.

Turning our attention to California, it secures the second position in both the teenager and elderly age groups, accounting for 17% and 13%, respectively. An interesting observation is that California boasts the highest per capita income, amounting to $23,000. However, despite its economic prosperity, the state contends with a poverty rate of 16%, the highest among the three states.

In conclusion, the data from the table underscores distinctive patterns in age distribution, individual income, and poverty rates among Utah, California, and Florida. The insights derived from this analysis illuminate the complex interplay of demographic factors and economic indicators in shaping the socio-economic landscape of these states.

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