the table below shows the average weekly salaries of men and women working in different occupations. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparison where relevant.

The table illustrates how much money on average that men and women earned per week in diversified occupations.

Overall, men consistently earned more than women in all fields, with both genders' highest weekly salary being seen in professional jobs and the lowest being witnessed in manual workers field. In addition, male technicians weekly income came second while this was the case for female clerical workers.

Men working professional jobs got paid the highest at 2000$ per week, in comparison to 1900$ for women in the same occupation. Around 1400$ was earned by male technicians, far exceeding that of women with the figure being at 900$. Male clerical workers made 1350$ weekly, while the figure for the counterpart was only 1000$ per week.

1300$ in income per week was earned from male Service Workers,, as opposed to 950$ in women. The data of men Manual Laborers had the lowest salary, at 1100$, which was 250$ higher than that of women.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"how much money on average that men and women earned" -> "the average earnings of men and women"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and grammatically incorrect. The suggested revision clarifies the meaning and adheres to formal academic style.
"diversified occupations" -> "various occupations"
Explanation: "Diversified" typically means to vary or broaden something, which is not the correct meaning here. "Various" is more appropriate to describe different types of occupations.
"got paid the highest" -> "received the highest pay"
Explanation: "Got paid" is too informal for academic writing. "Received the highest pay" is more formal and precise.
"in comparison to" -> "compared to"
Explanation: "In comparison to" is slightly verbose and less formal. "Compared to" is concise and suitable for academic writing.
"far exceeding that of" -> "significantly exceeding that of"
Explanation: "Far" can be vague; "significantly" provides a more precise degree of comparison.
"the counterpart" -> "the counterpart group"
Explanation: Adding "group" clarifies that the reference is to a specific category of individuals, enhancing clarity and precision.
"Manual Laborers" -> "manual laborers"
Explanation: Capitalization is incorrect for common nouns like "laborers."
"had the lowest salary, at 1100$" -> "had the lowest salary, at $1,100"
Explanation: Including the dollar sign and separating the numbers with commas improves readability and aligns with standard numerical formatting in academic writing.
"which was 250$ higher than that of women" -> "which was $250 higher than that of women"
Explanation: Adding the dollar sign and separating the number with a comma improves readability and maintains consistency with previous numerical references.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the information in the table. It presents the main features of the data, including the fact that men consistently earned more than women in all occupations. The essay also highlights some key features, such as the highest and lowest salaries for both genders. However, the details provided are not always relevant or accurate. For example, the essay states that "male technicians weekly income came second while this was the case for female clerical workers," but this is not entirely accurate. While male technicians do have the second highest salary, female clerical workers do not have the second highest salary for women.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate and relevant details. For example, the essay could state that the highest salary for men was in professional jobs, while the highest salary for women was also in professional jobs. The essay could also provide more specific comparisons between the salaries of men and women in each occupation. For example, the essay could state that men earned $500 more per week than women in professional jobs.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from the introduction to the main body. It effectively summarizes the data from the table and makes comparisons between the salaries of men and women in various occupations. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat mechanical, and there are instances of awkward phrasing that disrupt the flow of the essay. The paragraphing is present but could be improved for better clarity and logical organization.

How to improve: To enhance the coherence and cohesion of the essay, the writer should focus on varying the use of cohesive devices to avoid mechanical repetition. Additionally, improving the clarity of referencing (e.g., using "their" instead of repeating "men" or "women") would help in maintaining the flow. Organizing the information into clearer paragraphs, each focusing on a specific comparison or aspect of the data, would also strengthen the overall structure of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, with some attempts to use less common terms such as "diversified occupations" and "counterpart." However, there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the lowest being witnessed in manual workers field," which should be "the lowest being witnessed in the field of manual workers." Additionally, there are errors in spelling and punctuation, such as "2000$" instead of "$2000" and "Service Workers,," which contains an extra comma. These errors do not significantly impede communication but do detract from the overall effectiveness of the lexical resource.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary range and using more precise terms. They should also pay attention to collocation and word formation, ensuring that phrases are used correctly. Proofreading for spelling and punctuation errors will help improve clarity and professionalism. Incorporating a wider variety of synonyms and less common vocabulary while maintaining accuracy will also elevate the overall quality of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, effectively conveying the main features of the data presented. However, there are several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that occasionally hinder clarity. For example, phrases like "the lowest being witnessed in manual workers field" lack proper structure, and the use of "2000$" instead of "$2000" is not standard. Additionally, the phrase "the figure for the counterpart was only 1000$ per week" could be clearer with a more precise subject reference. Overall, while the communication is generally effective, the errors present do affect the overall quality of the writing.
How to improve: To enhance grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following:

Sentence Structure: Practice using more varied sentence structures, including a greater use of subordinate clauses to add complexity and depth to the writing.
Punctuation: Review punctuation rules, particularly with regard to the placement of currency symbols and the use of commas.
Clarity and Precision: Ensure that all phrases are clear and precise. For instance, rephrase awkward constructions to improve readability.
Proofreading: Take time to proofread the essay to catch minor errors before submission, as these can detract from the overall impression of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The table illustrates the average weekly salaries earned by men and women across various occupations.

Overall, men consistently earned more than women in all fields, with both genders’ highest weekly salaries observed in professional jobs and the lowest in manual labor. Additionally, male technicians had the second-highest weekly income, while female clerical workers held the same position.

Men working in professional jobs received the highest pay at $2000 per week, compared to $1900 for women in the same occupation. Male technicians earned around $1400, significantly surpassing the $900 earned by their female counterparts. Male clerical workers made $1350 weekly, while the figure for female clerical workers was only $1000 per week.

Male service workers earned $1300 per week, as opposed to $950 for women. The data shows that male manual laborers had the lowest salary at $1100, which was $250 higher than that of women.