The table below shows the change in number of people engaged in various physical activities between the years 2001-2009 in Australia (in million people). Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The table chart illustrates the data of individuals who were participated in five different sports from 2001 to 2009 in Australia.
Overall, it can be clearly seen that the number of runners had the most increasing trend, while the cycling ones decreased the most over the period.
Look at the chart more clearly, it is clear that physical activities including running, aerobics and tennis showed an upward trend after 8 years. Running, which accounted for 1.4 million people in the first year before going up to 2.2 million in 2009, had the highest proportion of change. Similarly, the number of Australian choosing aerobics also grew up from 1.5 to 1.7 million during this period and had 11% of change, while tennis ones jumped up from 1 to 1.2 million was higher than the percentage of aerobics’ change 4%.
In contrast, cycling, which had the most citizens taking part in the year 2001, declined from 4.5 to 3.1 after 4 years before rising about 0.4 million people and had the biggest loss (-20%). Moreover, 3.7 million city dwellers engaged in swimming in 2001 had a slight increase in 2005. However, it suddenly fell to 3.3 million in the final year, having a -10% change in this period.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The table chart" -> "The table"
Explanation: "Table chart" is redundant. Using "The table" is sufficient and maintains a formal tone.
"individuals who were participated" -> "individuals who participated"
Explanation: The verb "participated" should not be in the passive voice in this context, as it is more natural and direct to use the active voice.
"the number of runners had the most increasing trend" -> "the number of runners showed the greatest increase"
Explanation: "Showed the greatest increase" is more precise and academically appropriate than "had the most increasing trend," which is awkward and vague.
"the cycling ones decreased the most" -> "cycling participation decreased the most"
Explanation: "Cycling participation" is more specific and accurate than "the cycling ones," which is informal and vague.
"Look at the chart more clearly" -> "Examining the chart more closely"
Explanation: "Examining the chart more closely" is more formal and precise than "Look at the chart more clearly," which is too conversational for academic writing.
"the number of Australian choosing aerobics" -> "the number of Australians participating in aerobics"
Explanation: "Participating in aerobics" is grammatically correct and more formal than "choosing aerobics," which is incorrect and informal.
"grew up" -> "increased"
Explanation: "Increased" is the correct term for describing numerical growth, whereas "grew up" is a colloquial expression.
"jumped up" -> "increased"
Explanation: "Increased" is a more formal and precise term than "jumped up," which is informal and colloquial.
"had the biggest loss" -> "experienced the largest decline"
Explanation: "Experienced the largest decline" is more formal and specific than "had the biggest loss," which is colloquial.
"city dwellers engaged in swimming" -> "urban residents participated in swimming"
Explanation: "Urban residents" is a more formal term than "city dwellers," and "participated" is more appropriate than "engaged in" for describing involvement in activities.
"had a slight increase" -> "experienced a modest increase"
Explanation: "Experienced a modest increase" is more formal and precise than "had a slight increase," which is vague.
"suddenly fell" -> "suddenly decreased"
Explanation: "Decreased" is a more formal synonym for "fell," which is somewhat informal for academic writing.

These changes enhance the precision, formality, and clarity of the text, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, highlighting the most significant changes. It also makes comparisons between the different activities. However, the essay does not fully extend the key features and bullet points. For example, the essay mentions that running had the highest proportion of change, but it does not provide any specific details about this change.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the key features and bullet points. For example, the essay could state that the number of runners increased by 57% between 2001 and 2009. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language. For example, instead of saying that cycling "declined from 4.5 to 3.1 after 4 years," the essay could say that cycling declined by 20% between 2001 and 2005.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there are notable issues with overall progression and clarity. While it attempts to summarize the data and make comparisons, the logical flow of ideas is often disrupted, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inconsistent, with some phrases appearing mechanical or repetitive, and referencing is not always clear. Paragraphing is present but lacks logical structure, which further detracts from coherence.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on creating clearer topic sentences for each paragraph that directly relate to the main features of the data. Additionally, varying the use of cohesive devices and ensuring that references are clear will help improve the logical flow of ideas. Organizing the essay into distinct sections that follow a logical progression—such as grouping similar trends together—would also strengthen the overall structure.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, allowing for basic communication of the data presented. The use of terms like "upward trend," "declined," and "proportion of change" indicates an attempt to use less common vocabulary. However, there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the most increasing trend" (which should be "the highest increase") and "the cycling ones decreased the most" (which could be phrased more naturally). Additionally, there are several grammatical errors and awkward phrases that detract from clarity, such as "which accounted for 1.4 million people in the first year before going up to 2.2 million in 2009," which could be simplified for better readability.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with more precision. This includes avoiding awkward phrases and ensuring that word choices are appropriate for the context. Practicing synonyms and varying sentence structures can help improve fluency and flexibility in language use. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors will help to ensure that the message is communicated clearly and effectively. Engaging with more complex vocabulary and idiomatic expressions can also elevate the overall lexical quality of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 score. While it attempts to convey information about the data effectively, there are several grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that occasionally hinder clarity. The overall structure is logical, but the presence of errors in grammar and punctuation detracts from the overall accuracy and fluidity of the writing.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Variety of Sentence Structures: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures to enhance the grammatical range.
Error Reduction: Proofread the essay to identify and correct grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement and awkward phrasing. For example, "individuals who were participated" should be corrected to "individuals who participated".
Clarity and Cohesion: Improve the clarity of comparisons and data presentation. For instance, rephrase sentences for better flow and coherence, such as "the number of Australian choosing aerobics also grew up" to "the number of Australians participating in aerobics also increased".
Punctuation: Pay attention to punctuation, particularly in complex sentences, to ensure that ideas are clearly separated and understood.

Bài sửa mẫu

The table chart illustrates the data of individuals who participated in five different sports from 2001 to 2009 in Australia.

Overall, it can be clearly seen that the number of runners exhibited the most significant increasing trend, while the number of cyclists decreased the most over the period.

Looking at the chart more closely, it is evident that physical activities including running, aerobics, and tennis showed an upward trend over the eight years. Running, which accounted for 1.4 million people in the first year, increased to 2.2 million in 2009, representing the highest proportion of change. Similarly, the number of Australians choosing aerobics also grew from 1.5 to 1.7 million during this period, reflecting an 11% change, while the number of tennis participants rose from 1 to 1.2 million, which was a higher percentage increase than that of aerobics at 4%.

In contrast, cycling, which had the highest participation in 2001, declined from 4.5 to 3.1 million over four years before rising by about 0.4 million people, resulting in the largest overall loss of 20%. Moreover, 3.7 million city dwellers engaged in swimming in 2001, experiencing a slight increase in 2005. However, this number suddenly fell to 3.3 million in the final year, resulting in a 10% decrease during this period.