The table below shows the percentage of men and women working in four areas in 1986, 1996 and 2006.

The provided table illustrates the percentage of men and women employees in four different categories in 1986, 1996 and 2006.

Overall, most of the categories had a rising number of employees through 20 years, except for the manufacturing industry, in which both men and women employees had a significant drop.

Men employees share the same trend in banking and education, which increase evenly each 10 years, from 15% to 17% to 19% and 13% to 14% to 15%, in the same order. Catering also increased the number of employees after 20 years, from 10% to 20%. However, in the first 10 years, this number climbed up 10% while this number stayed stable in the second half of the period. Manufacturing industry was the only area that had a significant drop in the number of men employees, from 34% to 18%.

Furthermore, women employees share mostly the same trend with men throughout the period. Banking, catering and education all had an evenly raise each 10 years, which increased about 6 to 10% of employees after the period. Meanwhile, the manufacturing industry shared a completely different trend with the others. This area witnessed a drop in number of employees, about 3 to 4% each 10 years.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Overall, most of the categories had a rising number of employees through 20 years" -> "Overall, the majority of the categories experienced an increase in the number of employees over the 20-year period"
Explanation: The phrase "had a rising number of employees through 20 years" is somewhat vague and informal. The suggested revision clarifies the duration and formality of the statement, aligning it with academic style.
"except for the manufacturing industry, in which both men and women employees had a significant drop" -> "except for the manufacturing industry, where both male and female employees experienced a significant decline"
Explanation: "Men employees" is grammatically incorrect and informal; "male and female employees" is grammatically correct and more formal. "Had a significant drop" is also less formal than "experienced a significant decline."
"Men employees share the same trend in banking and education, which increase evenly each 10 years" -> "Male employees in banking and education exhibited a consistent trend, increasing by 10% each decade"
Explanation: "Men employees" is grammatically incorrect; "Male employees" is correct. "Share the same trend" is vague; "exhibited a consistent trend" is more precise. "Which increase evenly each 10 years" is awkward and unclear; "increasing by 10% each decade" is clearer and more formal.
"Catering also increased the number of employees after 20 years, from 10% to 20%" -> "Catering also saw an increase in the number of employees over the 20-year period, from 10% to 20%"
Explanation: "Increased the number of employees" is somewhat informal; "saw an increase in the number of employees" is more formal and specific. Adding "over the 20-year period" clarifies the timeframe.
"However, in the first 10 years, this number climbed up 10% while this number stayed stable in the second half of the period" -> "However, this number increased by 10% in the first decade, whereas it remained stable in the second decade"
Explanation: "Climbed up 10%" is informal and vague; "increased by 10%" is more precise. "This number stayed stable" is informal; "remained stable" is more formal.
"Manufacturing industry was the only area that had a significant drop in the number of men employees" -> "The manufacturing industry was the only sector to experience a significant decline in the number of male employees"
Explanation: "Had a significant drop" is less formal; "experience a significant decline" is more precise and formal. "Area" is less specific than "sector," and "men employees" is grammatically incorrect; "male employees" is correct.
"women employees share mostly the same trend with men throughout the period" -> "female employees generally followed the same trend as males throughout the period"
Explanation: "Share mostly the same trend with men" is awkward and informal; "generally followed the same trend as males" is clearer and more formal.
"Banking, catering and education all had an evenly raise each 10 years" -> "Banking, catering, and education all experienced a consistent increase of 10% every decade"
Explanation: "Had an evenly raise" is grammatically incorrect and unclear; "experienced a consistent increase of 10% every decade" is grammatically correct and precise.
"This area witnessed a drop in number of employees, about 3 to 4% each 10 years" -> "This sector saw a decline in the number of employees, amounting to 3-4% each decade"
Explanation: "Witnessed a drop" is less formal; "saw a decline" is more suitable for academic writing. "About 3 to 4%" is informal; "amounting to 3-4%" is more precise and formal.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the table, highlighting the general increase in employment across most categories and the significant drop in the manufacturing industry. It also presents key features, such as the steady increase in banking and education for men, and the similar trend for women in these areas. However, the essay lacks some detail and accuracy. For example, it states that catering increased from 10% to 20% after 20 years, but the table shows that it remained at 20% in 2006. Additionally, the essay could be more specific in its analysis of the trends, providing more precise figures and comparisons.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details and comparisons, such as stating the exact percentage increase or decrease in each category. It could also benefit from a more concise and focused approach, avoiding repetition and unnecessary details. For example, instead of stating that "women employees share mostly the same trend with men throughout the period," the essay could simply state that "women employees generally followed a similar trend to men in banking, catering, and education."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, presenting a clear overall progression. It effectively uses cohesive devices, but there are instances where cohesion between sentences could be improved, leading to some mechanical or awkward phrasing. The paragraphing is present but not always logical, as the transitions between different categories could be smoother to enhance clarity.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the essay could benefit from clearer referencing and substitution to avoid repetition. Additionally, improving the logical flow between paragraphs and ensuring that each paragraph has a distinct central topic would enhance coherence. Using a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively would also contribute to a more polished and cohesive response.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary suitable for the task. It attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "illustrates," "significant drop," and "witnessed," but there are instances of inaccuracy in word choice and collocation, such as "share the same trend" which could be better expressed as "exhibit similar trends." Additionally, some phrases are repetitive, and there are errors in spelling and word formation, such as "each 10 years" instead of "every 10 years." While these errors do not severely impede communication, they do affect clarity and precision.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider variety of vocabulary and expressions, particularly those that are more sophisticated and precise. Attention should be given to collocation and the correct use of phrases. Reducing repetition and ensuring accurate word formation will also contribute to a higher score. Engaging with more complex vocabulary and varying sentence structures could further improve the overall lexical quality of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 performance. While it provides a clear overview of the data presented in the table, there are noticeable grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that occasionally hinder clarity. For example, phrases like "had a rising number of employees through 20 years" and "this number stayed stable in the second half of the period" could be expressed more clearly. Additionally, the use of "share the same trend" and "had a significant drop" could be improved for better grammatical accuracy. Overall, while the communication is generally effective, the errors in grammar and punctuation are frequent enough to warrant a score of 6.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on refining sentence structures and ensuring grammatical accuracy. This can be done by practicing more complex sentences while maintaining clarity. Additionally, proofreading for common grammatical errors and awkward phrasing would help enhance the overall quality of the writing. Expanding vocabulary and varying sentence beginnings could also contribute to a more sophisticated essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided table illustrates the percentage of male and female employees in four different categories in 1986, 1996, and 2006.

Overall, most categories experienced an increase in the percentage of employees over the 20-year period, except for the manufacturing industry, where both male and female employment saw a significant decline.

Male employees exhibited a similar trend in banking and education, with steady increases every 10 years, rising from 15% to 17% to 19% and from 13% to 14% to 15%, respectively. Catering also saw an increase in the number of employees over the 20 years, rising from 10% to 20%. However, during the first decade, this figure climbed by 10%, while it remained stable in the latter half of the period. The manufacturing industry was the only sector that experienced a notable decrease in the number of male employees, dropping from 34% to 18%.

Furthermore, female employees largely mirrored the trends observed among male employees throughout the period. Banking, catering, and education all saw consistent increases every 10 years, with an overall rise of approximately 6% to 10% in employment by the end of the period. Conversely, the manufacturing industry displayed a completely different trend, witnessing a decline in the number of employees of about 3% to 4% every decade.