The table below shows the percentage of the population by age groups in one town who rode bicycles in 2011.

The layout provides a breakdown of data on the proportion of bicycle usage among five demographics in a specific town in 2011. Overall, it is evident that females are more inclined to utilize bicycles than males, with the most striking disparity recorded in the 10-17 age segment. Another notable point is that the number of individuals utilizing bicycles declined with age despite a marginal recovery in the eldest age segment.

At the outset, in terms of younger cohorts, children aged 0-9 held the largest share of bicycle usage, with over half of both genders, followed by the 10-17 age range, with the ratio for girls standing at 42.2%, which approximately doubled the statistics for their counterpart, at 24.6%

Moving on to the older age demographics, men aged 18 to 39 comprised 17.1%, which was 7.4% higher than females, at 9.7%. A similar pattern was observed in the 40-59 age range when the statistics for males were continually outranked by females, with 12.3% compared to 8%. Meanwhile, among those aged 60 and above, there was a negligible resurgence in their numbers, reaching 18.5% for female cyclists and 5.3% lower for male cyclists.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The layout provides a breakdown" -> "The table presents a breakdown"
Explanation: "Table" is a more precise term than "layout" in this context, as it specifically refers to a visual representation of data, which is more appropriate for academic writing.
"more inclined to utilize" -> "more likely to use"
Explanation: "More likely to use" is a more natural and concise expression than "more inclined to utilize," which sounds overly formal and slightly awkward in this context.
"most striking disparity" -> "most significant disparity"
Explanation: "Significant" is a more precise term than "striking" in academic writing, as it conveys importance without the emotional connotation of "striking."
"despite a marginal recovery" -> "despite a slight recovery"
Explanation: "Slight" is more commonly used in academic texts to describe small changes, making it a more natural choice than "marginal."
"children aged 0-9" -> "children in the 0-9 age group"
Explanation: "In the 0-9 age group" is a more formal and precise way to refer to a specific age range in academic writing.
"held the largest share" -> "represented the largest proportion"
Explanation: "Represented the largest proportion" is more formal and fits better in an academic context than "held the largest share."
"the ratio for girls standing at 42.2%" -> "the proportion of girls was 42.2%"
Explanation: "The proportion of girls was 42.2%" is more direct and avoids the less formal construction "standing at."
"approximately doubled" -> "nearly doubled"
Explanation: "Nearly doubled" is a more precise and formal way to describe a close approximation in academic writing.
"continually outranked" -> "consistently exceeded"
Explanation: "Consistently exceeded" is a more precise and formal way to describe a persistent difference in statistics, avoiding the colloquial tone of "continually outranked."
"a negligible resurgence" -> "a slight increase"
Explanation: "A slight increase" is a clearer and more direct term than "a negligible resurgence," which can be ambiguous and less formal.

These changes aim to enhance the precision, formality, and clarity of the text, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the data, highlighting the key features of the table. It accurately describes the main trends, such as the higher percentage of female cyclists in most age groups and the decline in bicycle usage with age. However, the essay does not fully extend the key features. For example, it mentions that the number of individuals utilizing bicycles declined with age, but it does not provide any specific details about the extent of this decline.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the key features. For example, the essay could state that the percentage of female cyclists in the 10-17 age group is almost double the percentage of male cyclists. The essay could also provide more specific details about the decline in bicycle usage with age, such as stating that the percentage of cyclists in the 60+ age group is significantly lower than the percentage of cyclists in the 10-17 age group.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay logically organizes information and ideas, demonstrating clear progression throughout. Each paragraph presents a distinct topic, with the first paragraph providing an overview, followed by detailed analysis of specific age groups. The use of cohesive devices is appropriate, although there are moments where the connections between sentences could be smoother, indicating some under-use or mechanical application of these devices. Overall, the essay meets the criteria for Band 7, but there is room for improvement in the fluidity of cohesion and the logical arrangement of ideas within paragraphs.

How to improve: To enhance the score, the writer could focus on varying the use of cohesive devices to create smoother transitions between sentences and ideas. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph flows logically into the next would improve overall coherence. Incorporating more referencing and substitution can help reduce repetition and enhance clarity. Finally, a clearer introduction to each paragraph could further strengthen the logical progression of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary that allows for flexibility and precision in conveying the data presented. It uses less common lexical items such as "proportion," "demographics," and "disparity," which shows some awareness of style and collocation. However, there are occasional errors in word choice and phrasing, such as "utilize bicycles" instead of the more natural "ride bicycles," and "negligible resurgence" which may not be the best fit in this context. These inaccuracies prevent it from reaching a higher band score. Additionally, while the spelling and word formation are generally accurate, there are minor slips that do not impede communication.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to use a wider range of sophisticated vocabulary with greater precision and control. Focusing on natural collocations and ensuring that word choices fit the context more appropriately will help. Additionally, minimizing errors in word formation and spelling through careful proofreading can further strengthen the essay. Engaging with more advanced vocabulary and practicing its application in context will also contribute to achieving a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex structures and produces frequent error-free sentences. The grammatical range is good, with a mix of simple and complex sentences. However, there are a few grammatical errors and awkward phrases that detract from overall accuracy. For example, the phrase "which approximately doubled the statistics for their counterpart" could be clearer. Overall, the control of grammar and punctuation is good, but the presence of some errors prevents a higher score.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy by proofreading for minor errors and awkward phrasing. Additionally, incorporating a wider range of sentence structures and ensuring clarity in complex sentences would strengthen the essay. Practicing with more complex grammatical forms and ensuring they are used correctly can also help improve the overall score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The layout provides a breakdown of data on the proportion of bicycle usage among five demographics in a specific town in 2011. Overall, it is evident that females are more inclined to utilize bicycles than males, with the most striking disparity recorded in the 10-17 age segment. Another notable point is that the number of individuals utilizing bicycles declined with age, despite a marginal recovery in the eldest age segment.

At the outset, in terms of younger cohorts, children aged 0-9 held the largest share of bicycle usage, with over half of both genders participating. This was followed by the 10-17 age range, where the ratio for girls stood at 42.2%, which was approximately double the statistics for their male counterparts, at 24.6%.

Moving on to the older age demographics, men aged 18 to 39 comprised 17.1%, which was 7.4% higher than females, at 9.7%. A similar pattern was observed in the 40-59 age range, where the statistics for males were consistently outranked by females, with 12.3% compared to 8%. Meanwhile, among those aged 60 and above, there was a negligible resurgence in their numbers, reaching 18.5% for female cyclists and 5.3% lower for male cyclists.