The table below shows the percentages of the population by age groups in one town who rode bicycles in 2011.

The table presented the proportion of the male and female residents who used bicycles in a specific area by age group in 2011. Overall, children and teenagers contribute the majority, and cycling was preferred by females more than men.
Pupils and teenagers are the two age groups that had a much higher percentage of bikers compared to the other groups, accounting for 51.4%, 42.2% for females and 50.3%, 24.6% for males, respectively. Meanwhile, the proportion of bikers that are young adults (18-39 years old) is much lower for both genders, counting 17.1% for women and 9.7% for men. The figure of middle-aged cyclists was the lowest among age groups of both females and males, presenting only 12.3% and 8%, respectively.
Finally, the rate of elderly people riding bicycles was actually pretty high for both groups, accounting for 18.5% for women and 13.2% for men.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"The table presented" -> "The table depicted"
Explanation: "Presented" is a common verb choice but "depicted" is more formal and precise in this context, conveying the idea of showing or illustrating information.
"contribute the majority" -> "constitute the majority"
Explanation: "Contribute" suggests an active participation, while "constitute" is more appropriate here as it denotes forming or making up the majority, aligning better with the context of demographic representation.
"cycling was preferred by females more than men" -> "females showed a greater preference for cycling than men"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality, using "showed a greater preference" instead of "was preferred by" and "than" instead of "more than" for better parallelism.
"Pupils and teenagers" -> "Children and adolescents"
Explanation: "Pupils" can refer specifically to school-aged children, whereas "children" encompasses a broader age range, and "adolescents" is a more formal term for teenagers.
"percentage of bikers" -> "proportion of cyclists"
Explanation: "Proportion" is a more precise term for expressing a part of a whole, whereas "percentage" refers to a portion of 100 parts. "Cyclists" is a more specific term than "bikers" for those who ride bicycles.
"the other groups" -> "other age groups"
Explanation: Adding specificity by using "other age groups" instead of "the other groups" for clarity and to avoid ambiguity.
"the proportion of bikers that are young adults" -> "the percentage of cyclists who are young adults"
Explanation: Clarifying the term "young adults" and replacing "proportion" with "percentage" for more precise language.
"The figure of middle-aged cyclists" -> "The proportion of middle-aged cyclists"
Explanation: Replacing "figure" with "proportion" to maintain consistency in terminology and precision in describing the demographic representation.
"was actually pretty high" -> "was relatively high"
Explanation: Using "relatively high" instead of "pretty high" for a more formal tone and precision in describing the level of bicycle usage among elderly people.
"accounting for" -> "comprising"
Explanation: "Comprising" is a more formal and precise term for indicating inclusion or making up a certain portion, enhancing the sophistication of the language used.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

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Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the data presented in the table. It presents a clear summary of the main trends, highlighting key features such as the higher proportion of child and teenage cyclists and the preference for cycling among females. The information is appropriately selected and presented in a structured manner.
How to improve: To improve, consider extending the discussion of key features/bullet points to provide more detailed analysis where possible. Additionally, ensure that the information provided is accurate and relevant throughout the essay.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay logically organizes information and ideas, with clear progression throughout. It effectively uses a range of cohesive devices such as linking words and phrases to connect sentences and paragraphs, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. Each paragraph presents a clear central topic related to different age groups and their respective percentages of bicycle users.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion further, ensure that transitions between paragraphs are smoother, reinforcing the logical progression of ideas. Additionally, consider varying sentence structures and employing more diverse cohesive devices to further strengthen the connectivity of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation:
The essay provided demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary suitable for the task, which aligns with the criteria for Band 6. The student attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "proportion," "accounting for," and "contributed," which shows an effort to go beyond the most basic language. However, there are some inaccuracies and awkward phrasing that slightly impede clarity, such as "children and teenagers contribute the majority," and "cycling was preferred by females more than men," which could be expressed more precisely. Additionally, the expression "the figure of middle-aged cyclists was the lowest" is a bit clumsy and could be simplified for better readability.

Errors in word choice and awkward collocations are evident but do not significantly impede communication, making Band 6 the most appropriate scoring.

How to improve:
To improve towards a Band 7 or higher, the writer should focus on enhancing the precision and variety of their vocabulary. This includes:

Using synonyms effectively to avoid repetition and demonstrate a wider lexical range.
Improving collocations and word choices for greater accuracy, such as replacing "contribute the majority" with "make up the majority" or "comprise the majority."
Increasing awareness of style and appropriateness in vocabulary use, ensuring that terms and expressions match the formal academic context of the essay.
Regularly reviewing and practicing less common and more sophisticated vocabulary items, ideally within the context of well-formed sentences to solidify understanding and usage.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, which contributes to a moderate range of grammatical structures. The essay effectively communicates the main points, providing an overview of the data presented in the table. There are some errors in grammar and punctuation, but they do not significantly hinder understanding. For instance, there are minor issues with subject-verb agreement ("the table presented" should be "the table presents") and missing articles ("the proportion of bikers" instead of "the proportion of the bikers"). Overall, the essay communicates the information clearly, although with occasional errors.

How to improve: To improve, focus on enhancing the variety of sentence structures further, incorporating more complex sentence forms while ensuring accuracy. Pay close attention to grammar and punctuation to minimize errors and enhance clarity. Additionally, strive for more precise word choices and expressions to convey ideas with greater accuracy and sophistication.

Bài sửa mẫu

The table delineates the distribution of bicycle riders among male and female inhabitants across various age cohorts in a specified locale during the year 2011.

In general, children and adolescents constitute the predominant segment of cyclists, with a noteworthy preference for cycling among females over males.

Both students and teenagers exhibit markedly higher participation rates in cycling compared to other demographics, comprising 51.4% and 42.2% for females, and 50.3% and 24.6% for males, respectively. Conversely, the proportion of cyclists within the young adult bracket (18-39 years old) is substantially lower for both genders, accounting for 17.1% among women and 9.7% among men. The incidence of cycling among middle-aged individuals is the lowest across age groups for both females and males, registering only 12.3% and 8%, respectively.

Remarkably, the prevalence of elderly cyclists is relatively high across both gender categories, constituting 18.5% among women and 13.2% among men.