The table below shows the proportion of the workforce who are women and the proportion of managers who are women in five different countries.

The table illustrates the percentage of women in the workforce and management across five different nations.

It is noticeable that female workers account for a smaller proportion than male workers. Additionally, Gender equality in English-speaking countries is relatively higher than in other nations, especially in managerial roles.

The US and Australia are the two nations that have the highest proportion of women engaging in professional roles. In the former, 46% of the workforce, and 43% of managers are women, while in the latter, these figures are 42% and 43%, respectively.

Conversely, although the figures for women in the workforce in Sri Lanka and Japan are 42% and 48% in that order, managerial roles are dominated by men, surpassing 80%. Finally, Egypt is the country observing a significant gender gap with a minority of women participating in professional work, accounting for no more than 20% across all levels.

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Errors and Improvements:

"It is noticeable that" -> "It is evident that"
Explanation: "Noticeable" is less formal compared to "evident." Using "evident" enhances the sophistication of the statement.
"female workers" -> "women employees"
Explanation: "Women employees" is a more formal and respectful term than "female workers."
"especially" -> "particularly"
Explanation: "Particularly" is more precise and formal than "especially" in academic or formal writing contexts.
"engaging in professional roles" -> "participating in professional occupations"
Explanation: "Participating in professional occupations" provides a more specific and formal description of women’s involvement in professional roles.
"figures" -> "percentages"
Explanation: "Percentages" is a more precise term when referring to numerical data.
"that order" -> "respectively"
Explanation: "Respectively" clarifies the order of the mentioned figures in a more concise and formal manner.
"dominated by men" -> "predominantly occupied by men"
Explanation: "Predominantly occupied by men" is a more sophisticated phrase that conveys the idea of male dominance in managerial roles.
"observing" -> "experiencing"
Explanation: "Experiencing" is a more appropriate term to describe a situation or condition that a country is going through.
"a significant gender gap" -> "a substantial disparity in gender representation"
Explanation: "Substantial disparity in gender representation" conveys a more nuanced understanding of the gender gap, emphasizing the extent of the difference in a formal manner.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

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Band Score: 7.0
Explanation:
The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the data presented in the table. It presents a clear comparison of the proportion of women in the workforce and managerial positions across the five countries. Key features, such as the differences in gender representation in professional roles among the nations, are highlighted. However, the response could be more fully developed by providing additional context or analysis of the trends observed.
How to improve:
To improve, consider expanding on the analysis by discussing possible reasons for the disparities in gender representation among the countries or providing comparisons with global averages. Additionally, ensure that all information presented is accurate and directly relevant to the task at hand.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation:
The essay effectively demonstrates coherence and cohesion which aligns it with a Band 7 descriptor. Information and ideas are logically organized with clear progression throughout the essay, as shown by the structured presentation of data from various countries. A range of cohesive devices are used appropriately, such as transitions ("Additionally," "Conversely," "Finally"), which help in maintaining the flow of information. Each paragraph presents a clear central topic, focusing on the comparison of gender representation in the workforce and managerial roles across different countries.

However, there are slight issues that prevent the essay from reaching a higher band. The essay could benefit from more varied cohesive devices beyond basic linking words, and a deeper analysis within paragraphs to enhance clarity and depth of the narrative, ensuring that each point is fully developed and linked back to the main topic more distinctly.

How to improve:

Enhance cohesion: Introduce a wider range of cohesive devices, such as synonymy, ellipsis, and substitution, to reduce repetition and improve the natural flow of the essay.
Paragraph development: Expand on the analysis within each paragraph. Rather than just presenting data, interpret what the data implies about gender roles in different cultural contexts to add depth to the discussion.
Refinement of topic sentences: Make topic sentences more specific to guide the reader through your analysis more clearly. This could involve explicitly stating the significance of each comparison or observation right at the beginning of paragraphs.
Integration of examples: Integrate more specific examples or case studies within the discussion to substantiate the claims made, providing a clearer linkage between data presented and the overarching narrative about gender equality.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, including terms like "proportion," "nations," "dominated," and "gender gap." There is an attempt to use less common vocabulary, such as "account for" and "surpassing." However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "Conversely," which doesn’t seem appropriately placed, and "relatively higher," which is somewhat redundant. Some errors in word formation and spelling are present but do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To improve the lexical resource, focus on using more varied and sophisticated vocabulary throughout the essay. Ensure that the words chosen are used accurately and in appropriate contexts. Also, pay close attention to word formation and spelling to minimize errors. Additionally, work on the coherence and cohesion of the essay to enhance overall clarity and effectiveness.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good control of grammar and punctuation with frequent error-free sentences. There is effective use of a variety of complex structures, contributing to coherence and cohesion in the essay. Sentences are generally well-constructed, and errors are minor, occasional slips rather than pervasive issues.

How to improve: To further enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures and varied sentence beginnings. Ensure consistent attention to punctuation and grammatical accuracy to minimize occasional errors even further. Additionally, strive for precision in vocabulary choice to elevate the overall clarity and sophistication of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The table provided illustrates the distribution of female workers in the labor force and managerial positions across five different countries.

It is evident that the representation of women in the workforce is generally lower compared to men. Notably, English-speaking countries exhibit higher levels of gender equality, particularly in managerial roles.

The United States and Australia stand out as the nations with the highest proportion of women in professional positions. In the US, 46% of the workforce and 43% of managerial roles are occupied by women, while in Australia, these figures are slightly lower at 42% and 43%, respectively.

In contrast, despite relatively high female workforce participation rates in Sri Lanka and Japan at 42% and 48% respectively, managerial positions are predominantly held by men, exceeding 80%. Conversely, Egypt demonstrates a significant gender gap, with women constituting a minority in professional roles, accounting for no more than 20% across all levels.