The table below shows the worldwide market share of the mobile phone market for manufacturers in the years 2005 and 2006.

The table illustrates the percentage of the market share of mobile phone services around the globe for manufacturing usages in 7 different companies between 2005 and 2006.

Overall, it can be clearly seen that there was an upward trend in the proportion of the mobile phone market of Nokia, Motorola and Sony Ericsson, while the trends for the others were opposite during the period.In addition, it is noteworthy that Nokia was consistently the highest in both years.

In term of Nokia’ s market share, it began at 32.5% in the first year, and then it witnessed a sharp increase to 35% in 2006. Similarly, Motorola ranked second, starting with just over 17% in 2005 after which its share grew by approximately 4% the following year . By contrast, the figures for SamSung decreased minimally from around 12.7% to 11.8% over the two years.

Regarding Sony Ericsson, there was a modest rise in its sale of just over 1% from 2005 to reach 7.4% in 2006. Conversely, LG and Ben Q Mobile sales declined moderately from 6.7% and 4.9% to 6.3% and 2.4%, respectively. Likewise, all other mobile manufacturers’ market share accounted for over 19% in 2005, but their figures dropped by 3% in the subsequence year.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"mobile phone services around the globe for manufacturing usages" -> "global mobile phone manufacturing"
Explanation: The phrase "mobile phone services around the globe for manufacturing usages" is awkward and unclear. Simplifying it to "global mobile phone manufacturing" clarifies the context and enhances the formal tone.
"it can be clearly seen" -> "it is evident"
Explanation: "It can be clearly seen" is somewhat redundant and informal. "It is evident" is more concise and maintains an academic tone.
"In term of" -> "In terms of"
Explanation: "In term of" is a grammatical error. The correct phrase is "In terms of," which is necessary for proper grammatical structure.
"Nokia’ s" -> "Nokia’s"
Explanation: The apostrophe in "Nokia’ s" is misplaced. The correct possessive form is "Nokia’s."
"witnessed a sharp increase" -> "experienced a significant increase"
Explanation: "Witnessed" is less appropriate in this context, as it implies observing something rather than experiencing it. "Experienced a significant increase" is more precise and suitable for describing changes in market trends.
"just over" -> "approximately"
Explanation: "Just over" is somewhat informal and vague. "Approximately" is more precise and formal.
"the figures for SamSung" -> "the figures for Samsung"
Explanation: "SamSung" is a typographical error. The correct spelling is "Samsung."
"declined minimally" -> "declined slightly"
Explanation: "Minimally" is less commonly used in academic writing and can be seen as overly formal or awkward. "Slightly" is more straightforward and appropriate.
"its sale of just over 1%" -> "a 1% increase in its sales"
Explanation: The phrase "its sale of just over 1%" is awkward and unclear. "A 1% increase in its sales" is clearer and more formal.
"the subsequence year" -> "the subsequent year"
Explanation: "Subsequence" is incorrect; the correct term is "subsequent," which refers to something that follows in time or order.
"all other mobile manufacturers’ market share accounted for over 19%" -> "the market share of other mobile manufacturers exceeded 19%"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly phrased and unclear. The suggested revision clarifies the meaning and enhances readability.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay covers the requirements of the task and presents a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay clearly presents and highlights key features/bullet points, but could be more fully extended. For example, the essay could provide more specific details about the changes in market share for each company.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the changes in market share for each company. For example, the essay could state that Nokia’s market share increased by 2.5% from 2005 to 2006, or that Motorola’s market share increased by 3.4% from 2005 to 2006. The essay could also provide more analysis of the data, such as explaining why Nokia’s market share increased while Samsung’s market share decreased.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, presenting a clear overall progression. It provides an overview and details about the market shares of various companies, which helps in understanding the trends. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat mechanical, and there are instances of awkward phrasing and grammatical errors that disrupt the flow. While paragraphing is present, it lacks a logical structure in some areas, which affects the overall coherence.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively, ensuring that transitions between ideas are smooth and logical. Additionally, improving paragraph structure by clearly defining the main idea of each paragraph and ensuring that all sentences within a paragraph relate directly to that idea would strengthen the essay. Finally, proofreading for grammatical accuracy and clarity of expression would help eliminate awkward phrasing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary suitable for the task, with some attempts to use less common lexical items. However, there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "manufacturing usages" and "in term of," which detract from the overall clarity. Additionally, there are errors in spelling and word formation, such as "SamSung" and "subsequence," which may cause some difficulty for the reader but do not completely impede communication.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary accurately, ensuring that less common words are applied correctly in context. Additionally, improving spelling and word formation will help avoid confusion. Practicing synonyms and varying sentence structures can also contribute to a more sophisticated use of language.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of Band 6. While it communicates the main ideas effectively, there are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that occasionally hinder clarity. For example, phrases like "in term of Nokia’s market share" should be "in terms of Nokia’s market share," and "the trends for the others were opposite" could be more clearly articulated. Additionally, punctuation issues, such as the spacing before the period in "the following year .", detract from the overall accuracy.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on increasing the accuracy of their grammatical structures and punctuation. This can be accomplished by proofreading for common errors, expanding the variety of sentence structures used, and ensuring that complex sentences are constructed correctly. Additionally, enhancing clarity and coherence in the expression of ideas will contribute to a more polished essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The table illustrates the percentage of the market share of mobile phone manufacturers worldwide for seven different companies in the years 2005 and 2006.

Overall, it is evident that there was an upward trend in the market share of Nokia, Motorola, and Sony Ericsson, while the trends for the other companies were the opposite during this period. Additionally, it is noteworthy that Nokia consistently held the highest market share in both years.

In terms of Nokia’s market share, it began at 32.5% in 2005 and then witnessed a sharp increase to 35% in 2006. Similarly, Motorola ranked second, starting with just over 17% in 2005, after which its share grew by approximately 4% the following year. In contrast, the figures for Samsung decreased slightly from around 12.7% to 11.8% over the two years.

Regarding Sony Ericsson, there was a modest rise in its market share of just over 1% from 2005, reaching 7.4% in 2006. Conversely, LG and BenQ Mobile experienced a moderate decline in their market shares, falling from 6.7% and 4.9% to 6.3% and 2.4%, respectively. Likewise, the combined market share of all other mobile manufacturers accounted for over 19% in 2005, but their figures dropped by 3% in the subsequent year.