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The table shows the number of emolyees and factories producing silk in England and Wales between 1851 and 1901

The table shows the number of emolyees and factories producing silk in England and Wales between 1851 and 1901

The table illustrates how many workers and silk mills there were in England and Wales from 1851 to 1901.

Overview, although the total number of employees dropped, the quantity of factories climbed with fluctuations in between. In addition, there were more female staff than the male counterparts.

Looking at the number of male and female employees, it started at a peak of 53.964 and 76.786, in turn. After 10 years, those statistics fell to 41.963 and 67.933 orderly and had the largest gap. From this point onwards, men's figure slid continuously to end at 13.375, except 1891 when it rose slightly to 28.689. Meanwhile, the data for women collapsed to 32.138 before dipping mildly to 25.567 at the end of the period.

The total of workers commenced at an apex of 130.750 workers while the number of factories touched the lowest point of 272 in 1851. In 1891, total volume of staff declined dramatically by two thirds to 49.025 prior to a mere shrink to 38.942 at the end of the period. On the other hand, after a decade, the data for mills tripled to 761. In the next 3 decades, this data fluctuated from 660 to 700 and ended at 623.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "fluctuations in between" -> "fluctuations interspersed within"
    Explanation: Replacing "fluctuations in between" with "fluctuations interspersed within" adds precision and formality to the description of the variations in the quantity of factories.

  2. "After 10 years" -> "A decade later"
    Explanation: Substituting "After 10 years" with "A decade later" improves the temporal precision and contributes to a more sophisticated tone.

  3. "orderly" -> "sequentially"
    Explanation: Replacing "orderly" with "sequentially" enhances the clarity of the sentence, conveying a smoother transition in the decreasing statistics of male and female employees.

  4. "men’s figure" -> "male figures"
    Explanation: Changing "men’s figure" to "male figures" provides a more precise and plural description of the statistical data related to male employees.

  5. "slid continuously" -> "steadily declined"
    Explanation: Substituting "slid continuously" with "steadily declined" maintains the meaning while introducing a more nuanced and formal expression.

  6. "collapsed to" -> "decreased to"
    Explanation: Changing "collapsed to" to "decreased to" provides a less dramatic yet more accurate description of the decline in data for female employees.

  7. "apex" -> "pinnacle"
    Explanation: Replacing "apex" with "pinnacle" introduces a more sophisticated synonym, enhancing the vocabulary used to describe the highest point in the total number of workers.

  8. "touched the lowest point" -> "reached the nadir"
    Explanation: Substituting "touched the lowest point" with "reached the nadir" offers a more refined and formal expression to convey the lowest point in the number of factories.

  9. "dramatically by two thirds" -> "drastically by two-thirds"
    Explanation: Changing "dramatically by two thirds" to "drastically by two-thirds" maintains the emphasis on a significant decrease while adhering to a more precise and formal structure.

  10. "mere shrink" -> "modest contraction"
    Explanation: Replacing "mere shrink" with "modest contraction" adds nuance and sophistication to the description of the decline in the total volume of staff.

  11. "commenced at an apex" -> "commenced at its zenith"
    Explanation: Substituting "commenced at an apex" with "commenced at its zenith" introduces a more advanced term, providing a refined description of the starting point in the total number of workers.

  12. "data for mills tripled" -> "mill data tripled"
    Explanation: Changing "data for mills tripled" to "mill data tripled" maintains clarity while offering a more concise and precise expression of the increase in the number of mills.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay effectively covers the requirements of the task by providing a clear overview of the main trends in the table. It appropriately highlights key features, such as the fluctuations in the number of employees and factories over the specified period. The information is presented with clarity and coherence, contributing to a well-developed response.

How to improve:
To enhance the essay and potentially achieve a higher band score, consider extending the discussion of key features. Provide more details and analysis for specific years or significant changes, offering a deeper exploration of the data. Additionally, ensure a consistent focus on the task requirements throughout the essay, avoiding any deviations or irrelevant details that may detract from the overall coherence.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of information and ideas with a clear progression throughout. The introduction provides a concise overview of the main trends, outlining both the decrease in the total number of employees and the increase in the number of factories. The body paragraphs follow a chronological order, presenting data on male and female employees separately and then discussing the overall trends. The use of cohesive devices is evident, helping to connect ideas and maintain coherence. There is a variety of sentence structures, contributing to the overall flow of the essay.

Paragraphing is generally appropriate, with clear central topics introduced in each paragraph. The essay effectively utilizes referencing and substitution to avoid repetition, enhancing the overall cohesion. While there are some minor instances of underuse or overuse of cohesive devices, they do not significantly affect the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.

How to improve:
To further enhance coherence and cohesion, consider ensuring consistent use of cohesive devices throughout the essay. Pay attention to the balance between male and female employee statistics, ensuring equal depth of analysis for both categories. Additionally, a more varied vocabulary could be employed to add nuance to the description of trends. Overall, maintaining the current level of organization and cohesion while refining the use of cohesive devices will contribute to an improved score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for some flexibility and precision. The writer uses less common lexical items with awareness of style and collocation. There are occasional errors in word choice and word formation, but they do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To elevate the Lexical Resource to a Band 8, aim for more consistent and accurate use of less common vocabulary. Pay attention to word choice and collocation to minimize occasional errors. Additionally, consider incorporating a greater variety of sentence structures for a more nuanced expression of ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms. There is a reasonable attempt at presenting a variety of structures, but some errors in grammar and punctuation are noticeable. The essay manages to convey its message, though there is room for improvement in terms of accuracy.

How to improve:

  1. Grammar and Punctuation: Pay closer attention to subject-verb agreement and verb tenses. For example, "the number of employees dropped" should be "the number of employees dropped," to maintain consistency in verb tenses.

  2. Clarity and Cohesion: Ensure that sentence structures are clear, and ideas are presented in a logical sequence. For instance, the phrase "in turn" could be clarified to enhance coherence.

  3. Complex Sentence Structures: Make an effort to incorporate more complex sentence structures to elevate the overall grammatical range. This can be achieved by using a variety of sentence types, such as compound and complex sentences.

  4. Proofreading: Before finalizing the essay, thoroughly proofread to catch minor errors that can affect the overall impression. For instance, the term "emolyees" should be corrected to "employees" for clarity and accuracy.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score by demonstrating improved grammatical range and accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided table depicts the workforce and silk manufacturing establishments in England and Wales from 1851 to 1901.

Overview:
During the specified period, there was a notable decline in the overall workforce, while the number of silk mills exhibited fluctuations. Notably, the female workforce consistently outnumbered their male counterparts.

Detailed Analysis:
Examining the male and female employment figures, the initial numbers stood at a pinnacle of 53,964 and 76,786, respectively. Over the subsequent decade, these figures experienced a decline to 41,963 for males and 67,933 for females, representing the largest gender gap in the given timeframe. The male employment data continued its downward trend, reaching 13,375, with a slight surge to 28,689 in 1891. Concurrently, female employment statistics plummeted to 32,138 before experiencing a mild dip to 25,567 by the conclusion of the period.

The overall workforce commenced at its zenith with 130,750 employees, coinciding with a record low of 272 factories in 1851. However, in 1891, there was a substantial two-thirds reduction in the total workforce, dropping to 49,025, followed by a marginal decrease to 38,942 at the termination of the observed period. Conversely, after a decade, the number of silk mills witnessed a threefold increase to 761. Over the subsequent three decades, this figure oscillated between 660 and 700, concluding at 623 by 1901.

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