The table shows the percentage of young people who were employed in different sectors in one country in 2005 and 2010.
The table shows the percentage of young people who were employed in different sectors in one country in 2005 and 2010.
The given table illustrates the proportion of young employees in various employment sectors in a particular country in two separate years: 2005 and 2010
Overall, it is obvious that the percentage of young people who were employed in Agriculture, Business, Shop restaurants and hotels and Other sector witnessed an upward trend while the reverse pattern was true for the remaining sectors. Notably, the Social services and Shop restaurants and hotels sector are the most popular among young employees
Looking at the details, at the beginning of the period, there were 34% young employees in Social services sector, which led the rankings, higher than that of Manufacturing by 13% and over 4 times higher than that of Other sector. Besides, Shop restaurants and hotels sector accounted for one fifth of employees, which ranked third among all sectors listed, compared with 7% of Business sector. The figure for Agriculture sector bottomed the list, at 5%, exactly the same as that of Transport sector.
In 2010, the most significant change was seen in the percentage of Shop restaurants and hotels sector, to 32%. Similar changes, but to lesser extents were observed in the proportion of Agriculture, Other and Business sector, to 8%, 10% and 10% respectively. In contrast, the figure for Social services, Manufacturing and Transport sector declined by varying degrees, to 22%, 14% and 4% in turn.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"the given table illustrates" -> "the provided table presents"
Explanation: "Provided" is more formal than "given," and "presents" is a more precise term than "illustrates" in the context of data representation. -
"it is obvious that" -> "it is evident that"
Explanation: "Evident" is a more formal and precise term than "obvious," which can be perceived as informal or subjective. -
"the percentage of young people who were employed in Agriculture, Business, Shop restaurants and hotels and Other sector witnessed an upward trend" -> "the percentage of young employees in the Agriculture, Business, Hospitality, and Other sectors experienced an upward trend"
Explanation: "Young employees" is more concise than "young people who were employed." "Hospitality" is a more appropriate term than "Shop restaurants and hotels," and "experienced" is a more formal alternative to "witnessed." -
"the reverse pattern was true for the remaining sectors" -> "the opposite trend was observed in the remaining sectors"
Explanation: "Opposite trend" is clearer and more formal than "reverse pattern," and "observed" is a more precise term than "true." -
"the Social services and Shop restaurants and hotels sector are the most popular among young employees" -> "the Social Services and Hospitality sectors are the most favored among young employees"
Explanation: "Favored" is a more formal and precise term than "popular," and "Social Services" should be capitalized for consistency with sector names. -
"at the beginning of the period" -> "at the outset of the period"
Explanation: "Outset" is a more formal term than "beginning," enhancing the academic tone. -
"which led the rankings, higher than that of Manufacturing by 13%" -> "which led the rankings, exceeding Manufacturing by 13%"
Explanation: "Exceeding" is a more precise and formal term than "higher than that of," improving clarity. -
"over 4 times higher than that of Other sector" -> "more than four times greater than that of the Other sector"
Explanation: "More than four times greater" is a clearer and more formal expression than "over 4 times higher." -
"Shop restaurants and hotels sector accounted for one fifth of employees" -> "The Hospitality sector accounted for one-fifth of employees"
Explanation: "One-fifth" is hyphenated as it is a fraction used as a noun, and "Hospitality" is more concise and formal than "Shop restaurants and hotels." -
"compared with 7% of Business sector" -> "compared to 7% in the Business sector"
Explanation: "Compared to" is the correct phrase in this context, and "in the Business sector" is more precise. -
"the figure for Agriculture sector bottomed the list" -> "the figure for the Agriculture sector ranked lowest"
Explanation: "Ranked lowest" is clearer and more formal than "bottomed the list." -
"the most significant change was seen in the percentage of Shop restaurants and hotels sector, to 32%" -> "the most significant change was observed in the percentage of the Hospitality sector, which rose to 32%"
Explanation: "Observed" is more formal than "seen," and "which rose to" clarifies the direction of change. -
"Similar changes, but to lesser extents were observed in the proportion of Agriculture, Other and Business sector, to 8%, 10% and 10% respectively" -> "Similar changes, albeit to a lesser extent, were noted in the proportions of the Agriculture, Other, and Business sectors, which rose to 8%, 10%, and 10%, respectively"
Explanation: "Noted" is a more formal term than "observed," and "albeit to a lesser extent" enhances clarity. The addition of "the" before each sector name maintains consistency. -
"the figure for Social services, Manufacturing and Transport sector declined by varying degrees, to 22%, 14% and 4% in turn" -> "the figures for the Social Services, Manufacturing, and Transport sectors declined by varying degrees, to 22%, 14%, and 4%, respectively"
Explanation: "Figures" should be plural to match the context, and "respectively" is a more formal way to indicate the order of decline.
Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7
Explanation: The essay provides a clear overview of the main trends in the data, highlighting the sectors that saw an increase and decrease in the percentage of young employees. The essay also presents key features of the data, such as the most popular sectors and the sectors with the lowest percentages. However, the essay could be more fully extended by providing more detailed analysis of the changes in each sector.
How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more detailed analysis of the changes in each sector. For example, the essay could discuss the reasons for the increase in the percentage of young employees in the Shop restaurants and hotels sector. The essay could also discuss the implications of the decrease in the percentage of young employees in the Manufacturing sector.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, with a clear overall progression from the introduction to the detailed analysis. However, while it uses cohesive devices effectively, there are instances of mechanical cohesion, particularly in the transition between ideas and paragraphs. The paragraphing is present but could be improved for better logical flow, as some sections feel slightly disjointed. The central topics within each paragraph are generally clear, but the connections between them could be more fluid.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on varying the use of cohesive devices to avoid mechanical repetition and ensure smoother transitions between ideas. Additionally, improving the logical structure of paragraphs by ensuring that each one flows naturally into the next would strengthen the overall coherence. Using more specific referencing and substitution can also help reduce redundancy and enhance clarity.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, effectively conveying the main trends and comparisons in the data presented. However, there are instances of inaccuracy in word choice and collocation, such as "Shop restaurants and hotels sector" which could be more clearly expressed as "the hospitality sector." Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "Social services sector" instead of "the social services sector," which detracts from the overall clarity. While the communication is generally effective, these issues prevent the essay from achieving a higher band score.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with more precise word choices. Incorporating less common lexical items accurately and avoiding repetitive phrases would also help. Additionally, careful proofreading to eliminate spelling and word formation errors will improve clarity and coherence. Expanding vocabulary related to the topic of employment sectors can further enhance the essay’s sophistication.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. There are some grammatical errors and issues with punctuation that occasionally affect clarity, such as "Shop restaurants and hotels" which should be "Shop, restaurants, and hotels." Additionally, phrases like "the reverse pattern was true for the remaining sectors" could be clearer. While the overall meaning is communicated, these errors can cause some difficulty for the reader.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on increasing the accuracy of their grammatical structures and punctuation. This can be done by proofreading for common errors and ensuring that complex sentences are constructed correctly. Additionally, incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures and ensuring that all sentences are error-free will enhance the overall grammatical range and accuracy.
Bài sửa mẫu
The given table illustrates the proportion of young employees in various employment sectors in a particular country in two separate years: 2005 and 2010.
Overall, it is evident that the percentage of young people employed in Agriculture, Business, Shop restaurants and hotels, and Other sectors experienced an upward trend, while the opposite pattern was observed in the remaining sectors. Notably, the Social Services and Shop restaurants and hotels sectors were the most popular among young employees.
Looking at the details, at the beginning of the period, there were 34% of young employees in the Social Services sector, which led the rankings, exceeding the Manufacturing sector by 13% and being over four times higher than that of the Other sector. Additionally, the Shop restaurants and hotels sector accounted for one-fifth of employees, ranking third among all sectors listed, compared to 7% in the Business sector. The figure for the Agriculture sector was at the bottom of the list, at 5%, which was exactly the same as that of the Transport sector.
In 2010, the most significant change was observed in the percentage of young employees in the Shop restaurants and hotels sector, which rose to 32%. Similar changes, albeit to a lesser extent, were noted in the proportions of the Agriculture, Other, and Business sectors, which increased to 8%, 10%, and 10%, respectively. In contrast, the figures for the Social Services, Manufacturing, and Transport sectors declined by varying degrees, falling to 22%, 14%, and 4%, respectively.
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