The two maps below show the changes in the town of Deham from 1986 to the present day

The maps provided illustrate the extent of the town of Denham's changes since 1986.

Overall, the garden area in the center of the map has its size reduced to accommodate more retirement homes. Also, the post office and shops on the left-hand side of the map have been upgraded with large houses.

Looking at the two diagrams, one of the most remarkable changes is that farmland at the bottom left-hand corner and at the top right-hand corner has their size completely pulled down. This reduction allows the construction of a new building for school, and more houses for residents to live in. In the middle, a new retirement house has been replaced by the large house, while a large house has been built in the East of the garden.
Importantly, the post office and its surrounding components have also changed drastically. These shops have become more houses with the roads which are divided into small branches. The road in the middle of the map has also been altered. Its shape has changed from being a straight road to turns and even circular.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The maps provided illustrate" -> "The maps depict"
Explanation: "Depict" is a more precise and formal term than "illustrate" in this context, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.
"the extent of the town of Denham’s changes" -> "the extent of changes in Denham"
Explanation: Simplifying the phrase to "the extent of changes in Denham" removes unnecessary possessive form and makes the sentence more concise and direct.
"the garden area in the center of the map has its size reduced" -> "the central garden area has been reduced in size"
Explanation: "Has been reduced in size" is more direct and avoids the awkward construction of "has its size reduced," which is less common and slightly awkward in formal writing.
"accommodate more retirement homes" -> "accommodate additional retirement homes"
Explanation: "Additional" is more precise than "more," which is vague and less formal.
"the post office and shops on the left-hand side of the map have been upgraded with large houses" -> "the post office and adjacent shops have been upgraded to accommodate larger residences"
Explanation: "Adjacent shops" is more specific and formal than "shops on the left-hand side," and "larger residences" is more precise than "large houses."
"farmland at the bottom left-hand corner and at the top right-hand corner has their size completely pulled down" -> "the farmland in the bottom left and top right corners has been significantly reduced"
Explanation: "Has been significantly reduced" is a more accurate and formal way to describe the change in size, and "in the bottom left and top right corners" is clearer and more precise than "at the bottom left-hand corner and at the top right-hand corner."
"This reduction allows the construction of a new building for school, and more houses for residents to live in" -> "This reduction enables the construction of a new school building and additional residential houses"
Explanation: "Enables" is more formal than "allows," and "additional residential houses" is more specific and formal than "more houses for residents to live in."
"a new retirement house has been replaced by the large house" -> "a new retirement home has replaced an existing large residence"
Explanation: "Home" is the correct term for a dwelling, and "an existing large residence" is more precise and formal than "the large house."
"Importantly, the post office and its surrounding components have also changed drastically" -> "Significantly, the post office and its surrounding structures have undergone substantial changes"
Explanation: "Significantly" is more formal than "Importantly," and "structures" is more specific and formal than "components," and "undergone substantial changes" is more precise than "changed drastically."
"These shops have become more houses with the roads which are divided into small branches" -> "These shops have been converted into residential buildings with roads reconfigured into smaller branches"
Explanation: "Converted into residential buildings" is more precise and formal than "become more houses," and "reconfigured into smaller branches" is more specific and formal than "divided into small branches."
"The road in the middle of the map has also been altered" -> "The central road has undergone alterations"
Explanation: "Undergone alterations" is a more formal and concise way to express the change, and "central road" is more specific than "the road in the middle of the map."

These changes enhance the formal and academic tone of the essay by using more precise vocabulary and avoiding colloquial expressions.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the changes, and it recounts detail mechanically. The essay also presents, but inadequately covers, key features/bullet points. For example, the essay states that the farmland at the bottom left-hand corner and at the top right-hand corner has their size completely pulled down, but it does not provide any specific details about the size of the farmland or the number of houses that have been built.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the changes, and by providing more specific details about the changes that have occurred. The essay could also be improved by using more accurate language. For example, instead of saying that the farmland has been "completely pulled down," the essay could say that the farmland has been "reduced in size."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to describe changes in the town of Denham, the ideas are not always logically sequenced, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, which detracts from the clarity of the information presented. Additionally, the paragraphing is inconsistent, with some ideas not being clearly separated or developed within distinct paragraphs.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on logically organizing the information by grouping related ideas together and ensuring a clear progression from one point to the next. Using a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively will help clarify relationships between ideas. Additionally, improving paragraph structure by ensuring each paragraph has a clear central topic and is developed fully will strengthen the overall organization of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, allowing for some flexibility and precision in describing the changes in Denham. The writer attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "accommodate," "remarkable," and "drastically," but there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "has their size completely pulled down" which is awkwardly phrased. Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "retirement house" instead of "retirement homes," which slightly impede communication but do not obscure the overall message.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision and accuracy. This could involve practicing synonyms for common words, ensuring correct collocations, and minimizing errors in word formation. Furthermore, incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and varying sentence structures would help convey ideas more fluently and flexibly.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which aligns with the characteristics of Band 6. While there are some effective structures used, the essay contains several grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that occasionally hinder clarity. For example, phrases like "has their size completely pulled down" and "a new retirement house has been replaced by the large house" exhibit grammatical inaccuracies and lack precision. Additionally, there are instances of incorrect verb forms and awkward sentence constructions that detract from the overall quality. However, the errors do not significantly impede communication, which is a positive aspect of the writing.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Sentence Structure: Aim to use a wider variety of complex sentences while ensuring grammatical accuracy. Practice combining clauses correctly and using more sophisticated connectors.
Grammar and Punctuation: Review common grammatical structures and verb forms to reduce errors. Proofreading for punctuation accuracy can also help clarify meaning.
Clarity and Precision: Work on expressing ideas more clearly and precisely. Avoid vague phrases and ensure that each sentence conveys a specific point effectively.

Bài sửa mẫu

The maps provided illustrate the extent of the town of Denham’s changes since 1986.

Overall, the garden area in the center of the map has been reduced in size to accommodate more retirement homes. Additionally, the post office and shops on the left-hand side of the map have been upgraded to large houses.

Looking at the two diagrams, one of the most remarkable changes is that the farmland in the bottom left-hand corner and the top right-hand corner has been completely removed. This reduction allows for the construction of a new school building and more houses for residents. In the middle, a new retirement home has replaced a large house, while another large house has been built to the east of the garden.

Importantly, the post office and its surrounding components have also changed drastically. These shops have been transformed into more houses, with the roads now divided into smaller branches. The road in the middle of the map has also been altered; its shape has changed from a straight road to one with turns and even circular sections.