fbpx

The use of mobile phone is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certain places so mobile phone should be banned like smoking. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The use of mobile phone is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certain places so mobile phone should be banned like smoking. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In recent years, there has been a group of people who hold the belief that mobile phones utilization is also antisocial, like that of smoking, so mobile phones and smoking both need to be banned in some certain places. In my opinion, I somewhat agree with this argument.

On the one hand, there are understandable reasons why we should consider mobile phones like smoking, and restrict the use of them in some specific situations.

The first reason is that, like smoking, mobile phone users tend to be addicted to applications provided by smartphones. These days, mobile phones provide humans with not only calling and messaging functions but also entertaining media, such as music, films, and games. As a result, many people, especially the young generation, tend to become smartphone-addicted even though they are in dangerous circumstances, such as crossing the street or driving their car. As a result, the use of smartphones should be limited in these circumstances.

Another reason is that mobile phone users could be distracted from their work and reduce their working performance. Many people are so attached to their devices that they tend to use them even when they are working. This constant checking of phones for updates, messages, or notifications can significantly disrupt focus and concentration, leading to decreased productivity. Therefore, they should be banned in workplaces.

On the other hand, there are some specific reasons for not restricting mobile phones, like smoking.

Firstly, some jobs require employees to carry smartphones along with them consistently. In the case of police officers and businessmen, smartphones play a vital role as they need to update information from residents and their clients frequently. As a result, if smartphones are banned in some public places, like smoking, it could cause significant issues for these jobs.

Secondly, smartphones are a crucial tool for communication and collaboration in modern workplaces. They allow employees to stay connected with their colleagues and clients, facilitating real-time discussion of ideas and feedback. If companies limit their use of them in offices like that of smoking, they will find it hard to look for an alternative solution for the use of smartphones to improve teamwork and efficiency.

In conclusion, although there are several reasons why we should consider mobile phones like smoking, and restrict their use, I believe that mobile phones should not be treated as smoking because there are still some jobs requiring consistent use of smartphones, and smartphones are of critical importance in modern workplaces.


 

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. “mobile phones utilization” -> “the use of mobile phones”
    Explanation: Using “the use of mobile phones” instead of “mobile phones utilization” simplifies the phrase without losing its meaning. It maintains clarity and aligns better with formal language.
  2. “antisocial, like that of smoking” -> “antisocial, similar to smoking”
    Explanation: Replacing “like that of smoking” with “similar to smoking” maintains the comparison between mobile phone use and smoking while enhancing the formality of the sentence.
  3. “In my opinion, I somewhat agree with this argument.” -> “I partly agree with this viewpoint.”
    Explanation: “In my opinion” is implicit in an essay and can be omitted for conciseness. Replacing “somewhat” with “partly” maintains the nuance of agreement without being overly informal.
  4. “there are understandable reasons” -> “there are valid reasons”
    Explanation: “Valid reasons” conveys a stronger sense of rationale and is more appropriate in an academic context compared to “understandable reasons.”
  5. “should consider mobile phones like smoking” -> “should liken mobile phones to smoking”
    Explanation: “Consider mobile phones like smoking” can be revised to “liken mobile phones to smoking” for a more precise and formal expression of comparison.
  6. “restrict the use of them” -> “limit their use”
    Explanation: “Limit their use” is a more concise and formal way to express the idea without losing meaning or clarity.
  7. “such as music, films, and games” -> “such as music, films, and games for entertainment”
    Explanation: Adding “for entertainment” clarifies the context of the mentioned media in relation to smartphone usage.
  8. “smartphone-addicted” -> “addicted to smartphones”
    Explanation: Rearranging the phrase to “addicted to smartphones” maintains clarity and adheres to a more formal structure.
  9. “even though they are in dangerous circumstances” -> “even in hazardous situations”
    Explanation: “Hazardous situations” is a more formal term compared to “dangerous circumstances” and aligns better with academic writing.
  10. “should be limited in these circumstances” -> “should be restricted in such situations”
    Explanation: Using “restricted in such situations” maintains formality and clarity while avoiding repetition of the word “circumstances.”
  11. “Another reason is that mobile phone users could be distracted from their work” -> “Additionally, mobile phone use may distract users from their tasks”
    Explanation: Replacing “Another reason is that” with “Additionally,” improves coherence. Also, changing “users could be distracted” to “mobile phone use may distract users” maintains a formal tone and clarity.
  12. “they tend to use them even when they are working” -> “they tend to use them during work hours”
    Explanation: “Even when they are working” can be revised to “during work hours” for a more concise and formal expression.
  13. “can significantly disrupt focus and concentration” -> “can significantly impair focus and concentration”
    Explanation: Replacing “disrupt” with “impair” adds a stronger and more formal tone to the impact on focus and concentration.
  14. “there are some specific reasons for not restricting mobile phones” -> “there are specific reasons against restricting mobile phones”
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence maintains formality and clarity while presenting the opposing viewpoint more precisely.
  15. “smartphones play a vital role as they need to update information from residents and their clients frequently” -> “smartphones play a vital role in updating information from residents and clients”
    Explanation: Rewording the sentence helps streamline the expression, maintaining clarity in a more formal tone.
  16. “like that of smoking” -> “similarly to smoking”
    Explanation: “Like that of smoking” can be replaced with “similarly to smoking” to maintain coherence and formality in comparing smartphone usage.
  17. “could cause significant issues for these jobs” -> “could pose significant challenges for these professions”
    Explanation: “Pose significant challenges for these professions” conveys a more formal tone than “cause significant issues for these jobs.”
  18. “smartphones are a crucial tool for communication and collaboration in modern workplaces” -> “smartphones are essential for communication and collaboration in contemporary workplaces”
    Explanation: Replacing “crucial tool” with “essential” and “modern” with “contemporary” maintains formality and clarity while enhancing vocabulary.
  19. “they will find it hard to look for an alternative solution for the use of smartphones” -> “finding an alternative solution for smartphone use will be challenging”
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence improves clarity and formality by specifying the challenge of finding an alternative solution for smartphone use.
  20. “In conclusion, although there are several reasons why we should consider mobile phones like smoking, and restrict their use” -> “In conclusion, while there are compelling reasons to liken mobile phones to smoking and limit their use”
    Explanation: The revised sentence maintains formality and clarity while expressing the conclusion more concisely and precisely.

 

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: “In my opinion, I somewhat agree with this argument.”
    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction hints at your position but lacks clarity. It’s crucial in an IELTS essay to present a clear stance, either agreeing, disagreeing, or presenting a balanced view. This will guide the direction of your arguments throughout the essay and help the reader follow your standpoint.
    • Improved example: “I agree to a certain extent with the argument that equates mobile phone use to smoking in terms of being antisocial. However, a nuanced approach is necessary to address the complexities of both issues.”
  2. Quoted text: “These days, mobile phones provide humans with not only calling and messaging functions but also entertaining media, such as music, films, and games. As a result, many people, especially the young generation, tend to become smartphone-addicted even though they are in dangerous circumstances, such as crossing the street or driving their car.”
    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The example provided lacks depth in demonstrating the antisocial aspect of mobile phone use. While it outlines the addictive nature, it doesn’t explicitly link it to being antisocial. To enhance this argument, you could provide specific instances where phone addiction leads to direct social isolation or disregard for social interactions.
    • Improved example: “For instance, individuals engrossed in their phones during social gatherings often miss out on meaningful conversations, leading to social isolation and a disconnect from the present company. This behavior mirrors the antisocial impact akin to smoking in public spaces.”
  3. Quoted text: “This constant checking of phones for updates, messages, or notifications can significantly disrupt focus and concentration, leading to decreased productivity. Therefore, they should be banned in workplaces.”
    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The connection between decreased productivity and phone use is well-presented. However, to strengthen this point, consider providing an example or scenario that illustrates how excessive phone use directly hampers workplace productivity. A specific anecdote or experience could make this argument more persuasive.
    • Improved example: “I recall a situation where continuous phone interruptions during office meetings led to a lack of focus among team members, resulting in a delayed project timeline. This instance highlights how unchecked phone use can directly impact work efficiency and output.”

Overall, the essay effectively addresses both perspectives regarding the comparison between mobile phone use and smoking in terms of being antisocial. However, the arguments would benefit from more explicit connections to social implications and stronger, vivid examples to support each point, offering a clearer demonstration of the similarities and differences between phone use and smoking in public spaces.

 

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of information and ideas, with a clear progression throughout. The introduction presents the author’s opinion, and each paragraph follows a logical sequence of ideas, presenting reasons for and against the restriction of mobile phones in certain places. The cohesive devices are used appropriately, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. The central topic within each paragraph is clearly presented. Paragraphing is mostly logical, aiding in the flow of the essay.

How to improve:
To enhance coherence and cohesion, consider refining the transition between paragraphs for a smoother flow. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently and effectively throughout the essay. Pay attention to the balance between reasons supporting and opposing the restriction of mobile phones to maintain a well-structured argument. Finally, further refine paragraphing to ensure a seamless progression of ideas.

 

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for some flexibility and precision. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items with an awareness of style and collocation. However, there are occasional errors in word choice and collocation, which prevent it from reaching a higher band score. For example, the phrase “in some certain places” could be improved to “in specific locations” for greater precision. Additionally, the use of “consider” in the opening sentence may be more effectively replaced with “view” or a similar term. Despite these minor inaccuracies, the essay generally exhibits a broad vocabulary and a grasp of style and collocation, contributing to its Band 7 score.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should focus on refining word choice and ensuring precise collocation. Avoiding redundant phrases and opting for more concise expressions will elevate the overall quality. Additionally, incorporating a wider variety of vocabulary, particularly in supporting points, could contribute to a more sophisticated and nuanced discussion. Overall, paying attention to the accuracy of word usage and refining expressions will help the essay move towards a higher band score.

 

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex sentence structures, and the majority of sentences are error-free. There is good control of grammar and punctuation, with only a few errors. The writer effectively communicates their ideas using a mix of simple and complex sentence forms. The essay discusses both sides of the argument, providing reasons for and against restricting mobile phones in certain situations. The ideas are logically organized, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay.

How to improve: While the essay displays a commendable use of complex structures, the writer can further enhance grammatical accuracy by paying attention to subject-verb agreement and refining sentence structures for more precision. Additionally, careful proofreading can help eliminate the few errors present, contributing to an even smoother expression of ideas.

 

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent times, a viewpoint has emerged suggesting that the use of mobile phones is as antisocial as smoking, implying that both should be prohibited in specific locations. I partially agree with this perspective.

There are valid reasons to liken mobile phones to smoking and advocate for restrictions in certain situations. One compelling rationale is the addictive nature of smartphone applications, akin to smoking habits. Contemporary mobile phones offer not only communication features but also entertainment options like music, films, and games. Consequently, individuals, particularly the younger generation, may become engrossed in their smartphones even in hazardous situations such as crossing streets or driving. Consequently, restricting smartphone use in these contexts seems warranted.

Additionally, the pervasive use of mobile phones can lead to distractions and reduced work performance. Many individuals are so engrossed in their devices that they use them during work, constantly checking for updates, messages, or notifications. This continual interruption can significantly disrupt focus and concentration, resulting in diminished productivity. Therefore, banning mobile phones in workplaces appears to be a reasonable measure.

However, there are specific reasons not to impose the same restrictions on mobile phones as on smoking. Certain professions, such as police officers and businessmen, necessitate constant smartphone use for frequent updates from residents and clients. Imposing a ban in public places, akin to smoking restrictions, could pose significant challenges for these occupations.

Furthermore, smartphones are indispensable tools for communication and collaboration in modern workplaces. They enable real-time discussions of ideas and feedback among colleagues and clients, enhancing teamwork and efficiency. If companies were to limit their use in offices similar to smoking restrictions, finding an equally effective alternative for improving collaboration would prove challenging.

In conclusion, while there are valid reasons to compare mobile phones to smoking and advocate for restrictions, I believe that treating mobile phones exactly like smoking may not be appropriate. Certain jobs require consistent smartphone use, and these devices play a critical role in enhancing communication and collaboration in contemporary workplaces.

Bài viết liên quan

Phản hồi

Email của bạn sẽ không được hiển thị công khai. Các trường bắt buộc được đánh dấu *