The use of mobile phones has increased dramatically in recent years. What are the positive and negative effects of this trend?
The use of mobile phones has increased dramatically in recent years. What are the positive and negative effects of this trend?
In contemporary life, the ubiquity of mobile phone has long been a matter of concern. The mobile phones are so entwined in our daily lives that they have become an irreversible trend, bringing about both negative and positive effects. Within this essay, both sides of this alarming scenario will be further discussed.
To commence with, chief among the benefits of this scenario lies in the inevitable need of this device in emergency cases. By this I mean that as long as the mobile phone users are not out range of service, they can communicate with those coming from the other side of the globe. This is proved to be of great necessity since there are numerous 24/7 support services worldwide that can be accessed when the users are in distress, particularly when they are in critically serious situation. For instance, in case of unexpected incidents such as tornado, earthquake, or most importantly, school attacks, the mobile phone users can gain access to the nearest rescue team, thus avoiding any unnecessary life loss.
Beneficial as mobile phone can be, it is proved to be detrimental due to the reduction in the quality of face-to-face communication. To be more detailed, in the one hand, the invention of this handy device can close the gap the geological gap once created among global citizens. On the other hand, it, more or less, created an invisible gap fostering the divide among ourselves. To illustrate this point, the scenario of the whole family members having their face glued to the mobile phone screen while having a meal at a restaurant instead of having a face-to-face conversation with each other is not rare. For this reason, being over reliant on this handy device would play havoc with its users’ daily life relationship, thus leading to relationship breakdown as a result. Obviously, there is nothing expressly wrong with considering this small handy device a modern-day companion, however, there is surely something wrong when it is done at the expense of humans’ relationship in real life.
From what have been discussed, one can conclude that the use of mobile phone, without any doubt, exerts a double-edged impact on its users. For this reason, both sides of this controversial issue should be taken into further consideration.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"the ubiquity of mobile phone" -> "the ubiquity of mobile phones"
Explanation: The correct form is "mobile phones" to maintain grammatical accuracy and consistency in plural form. -
"The mobile phones are so entwined in our daily lives" -> "Mobile phones have become so integral to our daily lives"
Explanation: "Have become so integral" is a more precise and formal way to describe the pervasive nature of mobile phones in daily life. -
"an irreversible trend" -> "an irreversible trend"
Explanation: Removing "an" before "irreversible" corrects the article usage, as "irreversible" is an adjective and does not require an article. -
"chief among the benefits" -> "one of the primary benefits"
Explanation: "One of the primary benefits" is more formal and precise than "chief among," which is somewhat colloquial. -
"inevitable need of this device" -> "indispensable nature of this technology"
Explanation: "Indispensable nature of this technology" is more formal and accurately describes the essential role of mobile phones in emergency situations. -
"not out range of service" -> "out of range of service"
Explanation: Corrects the phrase to "out of range of service" for grammatical accuracy. -
"24/7 support services" -> "24/7 support services"
Explanation: No change needed, as "24/7" is a standard abbreviation for "twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week." -
"critically serious situation" -> "critical situation"
Explanation: "Critical situation" is a more concise and formal term than "critically serious situation." -
"mobile phone can be" -> "mobile phones can be"
Explanation: Consistency in plural form is maintained for "mobile phones." -
"in the one hand" -> "on one hand"
Explanation: "On one hand" is the correct idiomatic expression for presenting contrasting ideas. -
"more or less, created an invisible gap" -> "has largely created an invisible gap"
Explanation: "Has largely created" is more precise and formal than "more or less created," which is vague and informal. -
"having a face glued to the mobile phone screen" -> "having their faces glued to their mobile phone screens"
Explanation: "Their faces glued to their mobile phone screens" corrects the pronoun and pluralizes "screen" for consistency. -
"play havoc with its users’ daily life relationship" -> "disrupt its users’ daily relationships"
Explanation: "Disrupt its users’ daily relationships" is more precise and formal, avoiding the colloquial "play havoc." -
"there is nothing expressly wrong with considering this small handy device" -> "there is no inherent issue with considering this small, convenient device"
Explanation: "No inherent issue" is more formal and precise than "nothing expressly wrong," and "convenient" is a more formal synonym for "handy." -
"there is surely something wrong" -> "there is undoubtedly a problem"
Explanation: "Undoubtedly a problem" is more formal and academically appropriate than "surely something wrong."
These changes enhance the formal tone and precision of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively identifies both the positive and negative effects of mobile phone usage, addressing the prompt’s requirements. The positive aspects are highlighted through the discussion of emergency communication, while the negative effects are illustrated by the impact on face-to-face interactions. However, the analysis could be more balanced; the positive effects are somewhat elaborated upon, while the negative effects could benefit from further exploration and examples.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay could include additional examples or statistics to support the claims made about the positive effects of mobile phones. Furthermore, a more detailed discussion of the negative consequences, such as addiction or distraction in professional settings, would provide a more comprehensive view of the topic.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position regarding the dual nature of mobile phones as both beneficial and detrimental. The introduction sets the stage for this duality, and the conclusion reiterates the need to consider both sides. However, the phrasing in some sections, such as "the whole family members having their face glued to the mobile phone screen," could be clearer and more concise to avoid ambiguity in the position.
- How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, the writer should aim for more straightforward language and avoid convoluted expressions. Additionally, consistently linking back to the main argument throughout the essay will help reinforce the position taken.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to the effects of mobile phones, with some extension of thoughts, particularly in the discussion of emergency situations and the impact on personal relationships. However, the support for these ideas could be more robust. For instance, while the example of families at restaurants is relevant, it could be enhanced with more detailed scenarios or studies that quantify the impact of mobile phone usage on relationships.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should include more specific examples, anecdotes, or research findings that illustrate the points being made. This would not only strengthen the argument but also engage the reader more effectively.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, discussing the positive and negative effects of mobile phones as required by the prompt. However, there are moments where the focus shifts slightly, such as when discussing the "invisible gap" without clearly linking it back to the broader implications of mobile phone usage. This could distract from the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the effects of mobile phones as outlined in the prompt. Using topic sentences that clearly indicate how each paragraph contributes to the overall argument can help keep the essay on track.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents relevant arguments, there is room for improvement in terms of balance, clarity, support, and focus. By addressing these areas, the writer can enhance the overall effectiveness of their response.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both positive and negative effects, and a conclusion. However, the transition between the positive and negative aspects could be smoother. For example, the shift from discussing emergency benefits to the drawbacks of reduced face-to-face communication feels abrupt. The use of phrases like "To commence with" and "Beneficial as mobile phone can be" indicates a logical flow, but the connection between ideas could be strengthened.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clearer transition phrases that explicitly link the two sides of the argument. For instance, after discussing the benefits, a phrase like "However, despite these advantages, there are significant drawbacks" can provide a smoother transition.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids in readability. Each paragraph has a clear focus: the first on positive effects and the second on negative effects. However, the conclusion feels somewhat disconnected from the preceding paragraphs, as it does not summarize the key points discussed.
- How to improve: Strengthen the conclusion by briefly summarizing the main points from both sides before stating the overall impact of mobile phones. This will reinforce the arguments made and provide a more cohesive ending. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "for instance," "to illustrate this point," and "for this reason." However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "on the one hand" is used, but "on the other hand" is not explicitly stated, which can create confusion in contrasting points.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in addition," "conversely," and "nevertheless." This will help clarify relationships between ideas and enhance the overall coherence of the essay. Additionally, ensure that contrasting points are clearly articulated by using both "on the one hand" and "on the other hand."
By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately leading to an improved band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with terms like "ubiquity," "irreversible trend," and "detrimental." These choices reflect an understanding of the topic and contribute to the overall clarity of the argument. However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied or sophisticated. For example, the phrase "handy device" is repeated multiple times, which detracts from the overall lexical variety.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider using synonyms or related terms. Instead of repeatedly using "handy device," alternatives like "portable technology," "communication tool," or "smartphone" could be employed. Additionally, integrating more advanced vocabulary related to the topic, such as "interpersonal communication," "digital dependency," or "social dynamics," would elevate the essay.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some precise vocabulary, such as "emergency cases" and "relationship breakdown." However, there are instances of imprecise usage, such as "the geological gap," which seems to be a misinterpretation of "geographical gap." This could confuse readers and detracts from the overall clarity of the argument.
- How to improve: Focus on ensuring that vocabulary accurately conveys the intended meaning. In this case, replacing "geological" with "geographical" would clarify the point being made. Additionally, reviewing vocabulary choices for context and appropriateness can help avoid similar errors. Using a thesaurus or vocabulary resources can aid in finding the most suitable terms.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling accuracy, with only a few minor errors. However, there are notable mistakes, such as "the mobile phones are so entwined" (should be "mobile phones are so entwined") and "the one hand" (should be "the one hand"). These errors, while not frequent, can disrupt the flow of reading and affect the overall impression of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, it is advisable to proofread the essay carefully before submission. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrases and spelling errors. Additionally, utilizing spell-check tools or writing software can assist in catching mistakes that may be overlooked during manual proofreading.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary with a Band Score of 7, there is room for improvement in terms of variety, precision, and spelling accuracy. By incorporating a broader range of vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and enhancing spelling practices, the overall quality of the essay can be significantly improved.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of sentence structures, including complex sentences and some varied sentence beginnings. For example, the use of introductory phrases such as "To commence with" and "Beneficial as mobile phone can be" shows an attempt to vary sentence structure. However, there are instances where sentence construction could be more sophisticated. For instance, the phrase "the mobile phones are so entwined in our daily lives" could be rephrased for better flow and complexity.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more conditional sentences, participial phrases, and varied conjunctions. For example, instead of starting sentences with "To be more detailed," the writer could use a participial phrase like "Detailing this further," which would add complexity. Additionally, using more relative clauses could help in creating more intricate sentence structures.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors that detract from its overall clarity. For instance, "the ubiquity of mobile phone" should be "the ubiquity of mobile phones" to ensure subject-verb agreement. Additionally, phrases like "the one hand" should be corrected to "the one hand" for grammatical accuracy. Punctuation is generally well-handled, but there are instances where commas could enhance readability, such as before "however" in the sentence "there is surely something wrong when it is done at the expense of humans’ relationship in real life."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and pluralization, ensuring consistency throughout the essay. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly focusing on common errors, would be beneficial. For punctuation, the writer should review rules regarding the use of commas, especially in complex sentences, to enhance clarity and flow. Reading the essay aloud could also help identify areas where pauses (commas) are needed for better comprehension.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy will help elevate the score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.
Bài sửa mẫu
In contemporary life, the **ubiquity of mobile phones** has long been a matter of concern. Mobile phones have become so integral to our daily lives that they represent an **irreversible trend**, bringing about both negative and positive effects. Within this essay, both sides of this significant scenario will be further discussed.
To commence with, one of the primary benefits of this trend lies in the **indispensable nature of this technology** in emergency situations. By this, I mean that as long as mobile phone users are not **out of range of service**, they can communicate with individuals from the other side of the globe. This capability proves to be essential, as there are numerous **24/7 support services** worldwide that can be accessed when users are in distress, particularly in a **critical situation**. For instance, in the event of unexpected incidents such as tornadoes, earthquakes, or, most importantly, school attacks, mobile phone users can quickly reach the nearest rescue team, thus avoiding unnecessary loss of life.
Beneficial as mobile phones can be, they also have detrimental effects due to the reduction in the quality of face-to-face communication. To elaborate, on one hand, the invention of this handy device can close the geographical gap that once existed among global citizens. On the other hand, it has largely created an **invisible gap** that fosters a divide among ourselves. To illustrate this point, it is not uncommon to see entire families **having their faces glued to their mobile phone screens** while dining at a restaurant, rather than engaging in face-to-face conversations with one another. For this reason, being overly reliant on this handy device can disrupt its users’ daily relationships, potentially leading to relationship breakdowns as a result. Obviously, there is no inherent issue with considering this small, convenient device a modern-day companion; however, there is undoubtedly a problem when it is done at the expense of human relationships in real life.
From what has been discussed, one can conclude that the use of mobile phones, without any doubt, exerts a double-edged impact on its users. For this reason, both sides of this controversial issue should be taken into further consideration.