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The use of mobile phones is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certain places so mobile phones should be banned like smoking. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The use of mobile phones is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certain places so mobile phones should be banned like smoking. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In the contemporary world, the ubiquity of mobile phones has prompted comparisons to the social impacts of smoking. While both activities can be perceived as antisocial in certain contexts, I believe advocating for an outright ban on mobile phones akin to smoking prohibitions may not be the most feasible or effective solution.
Undeniably, the excessive use of mobile phones in public spaces can lead to social disengagement, hindering face-to-face interactions and fostering a disconnect from immediate surroundings, much like the isolating effects of smoking. However, unlike smoking, the use of mobile phones isn’t inherently harmful to bystanders' health. The comparison falls short in this regard, as smoking poses significant health risks through secondhand smoke exposure.
Instead of advocating for a blanket ban on mobile phones, a more prudent approach would be to promote responsible usage. Educating individuals on etiquette and mindfulness in mobile phone use can encourage courteous behavior in public spaces. Establishing designated areas or times for mobile phone use could also strike a balance between connectivity and social interaction.
Furthermore, technological advancements have revolutionized communication, allowing for remote connectivity and immediate access to information, making a total ban impractical. However, advocating for designated phone-free zones, similar to smoke-free areas, could be a viable compromise to maintain social interactions without impeding technological advancements.
In conclusion, while mobile phones and smoking share some antisocial aspects, the comparison falters when considering the stark health risks associated with smoking. Instead of advocating for an outright ban, promoting responsible usage and establishing specific guidelines for mobile phone use in public spaces can foster a harmonious balance between connectivity and social engagement.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "the ubiquity of mobile phones" -> "the prevalence of mobile phones"
    Explanation: Replacing "ubiquity" with "prevalence" maintains formality while conveying the widespread existence of mobile phones in the contemporary world.

  2. "While both activities can be perceived as antisocial" -> "Although both behaviors may be considered antisocial"
    Explanation: The suggested change introduces a more formal transition and replaces the colloquial "activities" with "behaviors" for academic precision.

  3. "I believe advocating for an outright ban" -> "I contend that proposing an outright ban"
    Explanation: Substituting "believe advocating" with "contend that proposing" adds a more assertive and formal tone to the statement.

  4. "akin to smoking prohibitions" -> "similar to smoking bans"
    Explanation: The replacement of "prohibitions" with "bans" is more concise and aligns better with formal language conventions.

  5. "Undeniably, the excessive use of mobile phones" -> "Undoubtedly, the extensive use of mobile phones"
    Explanation: Replacing "undeniably" with "undoubtedly" enhances the formality of the statement, and "extensive" provides a more nuanced description than "excessive."

  6. "fostering a disconnect from immediate surroundings" -> "resulting in a detachment from immediate surroundings"
    Explanation: Substituting "fostering" with "resulting in" and using "detachment" instead of "disconnect" contributes to a more formal and precise expression.

  7. "blanket ban on mobile phones" -> "comprehensive prohibition of mobile phones"
    Explanation: The change from "blanket ban" to "comprehensive prohibition" introduces a more formal and specific term.

  8. "prudent approach" -> "judicious approach"
    Explanation: Replacing "prudent" with "judicious" elevates the formality of the language while maintaining the meaning of a sensible and careful approach.

  9. "encourage courteous behavior" -> "promote considerate behavior"
    Explanation: The substitution of "encourage" with "promote" and "courteous" with "considerate" enhances formality without sacrificing clarity.

  10. "strike a balance between connectivity" -> "maintain a balance between connectivity"
    Explanation: The change from "strike" to "maintain" contributes to a more formal tone, and "maintain a balance" is a refined expression.

  11. "phone-free zones, similar to smoke-free areas" -> "phone-free zones akin to smoke-free areas"
    Explanation: Adding "akin to" improves the parallelism and coherence in the comparison, enhancing the overall academic style.

  12. "while mobile phones and smoking share some antisocial aspects" -> "although mobile phones and smoking exhibit some antisocial characteristics"
    Explanation: The replacement of "share" with "exhibit" and the use of "characteristics" instead of "aspects" contribute to a more formal and precise language.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: "While both activities can be perceived as antisocial in certain contexts, I believe advocating for an outright ban on mobile phones akin to smoking prohibitions may not be the most feasible or effective solution."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your introduction effectively sets the tone for your essay and clearly states your position. However, to strengthen your response, consider briefly outlining the main reasons supporting your stance. This can provide readers with a roadmap for what to expect in the essay.
    • Improved example: "While both mobile phone use and smoking can be considered antisocial in specific situations, I believe a complete ban on mobile phones, similar to smoking restrictions, may not be the most practical solution. In this essay, I will argue that advocating for responsible usage and establishing guidelines for mobile phone use is a more effective approach."
  2. Quoted text: "Undeniably, the excessive use of mobile phones in public spaces can lead to social disengagement, hindering face-to-face interactions and fostering a disconnect from immediate surroundings, much like the isolating effects of smoking."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your argument is clear, emphasizing the social impact of mobile phones. However, to enhance your response, consider providing a specific example or personal experience illustrating how excessive mobile phone use can hinder face-to-face interactions. This will add depth to your point.
    • Improved example: "Undeniably, the excessive use of mobile phones in public spaces can lead to social disengagement. For instance, during social gatherings, individuals engrossed in their phones may miss out on meaningful conversations and connections, mirroring the isolating effects of smoking."
  3. Quoted text: "Instead of advocating for a blanket ban on mobile phones, a more prudent approach would be to promote responsible usage."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: This is a strong statement advocating for a nuanced approach. To strengthen your argument further, consider providing a brief explanation of how promoting responsible usage can be achieved. Offering specific strategies or examples will bolster your position.
    • Improved example: "Instead of advocating for a blanket ban on mobile phones, a more prudent approach would be to promote responsible usage. Educating individuals on proper phone etiquette, such as avoiding loud conversations in public spaces, can encourage courteous behavior."
  4. Quoted text: "Furthermore, technological advancements have revolutionized communication, allowing for remote connectivity and immediate access to information, making a total ban impractical."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your acknowledgment of technological advancements is insightful. However, consider providing a concrete example or scenario showcasing how these advancements have positively impacted communication. This will add specificity to your argument.
    • Improved example: "Furthermore, technological advancements have revolutionized communication, enabling remote connectivity and immediate access to information. For instance, during emergencies, individuals can use their mobile phones to quickly seek help, highlighting the practicality and benefits of these devices."

Overall, your essay effectively addresses the task, presenting a clear position with relevant and developed ideas. Strengthening your arguments with specific examples and strategies can further elevate the depth of your response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of information and ideas with clear progression throughout. The introduction sets the stage by introducing the topic and presenting the author’s stance. Each paragraph maintains a central focus, contributing to a coherent overall structure. The use of cohesive devices is evident, aiding in the smooth flow of ideas. Transition phrases such as "Undeniably," and "However," contribute to the logical sequencing of information. Additionally, the essay employs a range of cohesive devices appropriately, contributing to coherence.

While there is generally clear progression, some cohesion between sentences could be improved. For example, in the second paragraph, a smoother transition could enhance the link between the negative social impacts of mobile phones and smoking. Additionally, there is a minor instance of underuse of cohesive devices in the transition between the third and fourth paragraphs.

The paragraphing is generally logical, with each paragraph containing a clear central topic. However, the transition from the third to the fourth paragraph could benefit from a more explicit link to maintain the overall coherence.

How to improve:

  1. Ensure a more seamless transition between paragraphs by explicitly linking ideas. For instance, use transition phrases to smoothly connect contrasting or supporting points.
  2. Address the minor underuse of cohesive devices, especially when transitioning between major ideas. This can be achieved by employing a variety of linking words and phrases.
  3. Refine the transition from the third to the fourth paragraph to strengthen the connection between the discussed points.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, but minor enhancements can further elevate its organizational structure.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 8

Band Score: 8.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a commendable use of vocabulary, presenting a wide range of lexicons to articulate nuanced ideas effectively. The writer employs vocabulary fluently and with flexibility to convey precise meanings, showcasing an adeptness with less common lexical items. Throughout the essay, there’s a deliberate attempt to select appropriate words and expressions to communicate effectively, displaying an awareness of style and collocation. Occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation are present, as highlighted in phrases like "Unlike smoking, the use of mobile phones isn’t inherently harmful" which could be refined for greater precision.

How to improve:
To further enhance the lexical resource, focus on refining precision in word choice and collocation. While the essay effectively uses varied vocabulary, refining the selection and placement of words could minimize occasional inaccuracies. Additionally, strive for a consistent, sophisticated usage of lexical features throughout the essay to mitigate minor errors and enhance the overall fluency and coherence of the language.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score: 8.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a commendable command of a wide range of sentence structures. Varied sentence types are utilized throughout the essay, showcasing a sophisticated understanding of grammar. The majority of sentences are error-free and effectively convey complex ideas, which aligns with the Band 8 criteria. The essay showcases a strong grasp of grammar and punctuation, with occasional minor errors that do not significantly detract from communication.

How to improve:
To push the essay towards a Band 9, focus on refining the accuracy to achieve near-perfect fluency. Although the essay showcases a high level of language proficiency, strive for an even higher degree of precision and accuracy in language use. Carefully proofreading to eliminate any minor errors or inconsistencies can further elevate the overall quality and accuracy of the essay. Additionally, consider incorporating a wider array of complex structures with absolute precision to enhance flexibility further.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the modern era, the widespread use of mobile phones has led to discussions about their social impact, often likened to the negative effects of smoking. While both activities can be seen as antisocial in certain situations, I disagree with the idea of completely banning mobile phones, similar to smoking prohibitions, as I believe it may not be the most practical or effective solution.

Certainly, the excessive use of mobile phones in public places can result in social disengagement, hindering face-to-face interactions and creating a disconnect from immediate surroundings, similar to the isolating effects of smoking. However, unlike smoking, the use of mobile phones does not inherently harm the health of bystanders. This comparison falls short, as smoking poses significant health risks through secondhand smoke exposure.

Instead of advocating for an overall ban on mobile phones, a more sensible approach would be to promote responsible usage. Educating individuals on etiquette and mindfulness in mobile phone use can encourage polite behavior in public spaces. Establishing specific areas or times for mobile phone use could also strike a balance between connectivity and social interaction.

Moreover, technological advancements have transformed communication, enabling remote connectivity and immediate access to information, making a total ban impractical. Nevertheless, supporting designated phone-free zones, akin to smoke-free areas, could be a reasonable compromise to maintain social interactions without hindering technological progress.

In conclusion, while mobile phones and smoking share some antisocial aspects, the comparison falls short when considering the significant health risks associated with smoking. Instead of pushing for a complete ban, promoting responsible usage and setting clear guidelines for mobile phone use in public spaces can foster a harmonious balance between connectivity and social engagement.

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