The use of mobile phones is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certain places so mobile phones should be banned like smoking. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In this case, it is argued that using phone is a form of isolation as smoking which is banned in certain destinations, so it must be going to work with mobile phone. Personally, I partly agree with this school of thought due to several reasons that are explained in this essay.
On the one hand, in school systems or universities, to ensure the navigation of teenagers and their safety, many parents allow them to use high-tech tools to connect and communicate regardless of the physical distance. As a result, this tendency could lead to a large-scale of using mobile phone in the educational environment, which can be a challeniging task for teacher to manage the fair of examinations. Hence, advanced devices like touchscreen phone could make some students who are already lazy and unstudious addicted to, which could lead to the phenomenon is that they are self-isolated to the people around them. That’s why technological gadgets should be banned temporarily.
On the other hand, using mobile phone do not always have negative effects on one’s behaviour, so in some certain situations, it can not be consider as a form of alienation. It is true that, the internet helps people from all over the world make friends with each others, by using mobile phone which easily allow us to access the social platforms to do that. The fact that, smoking is banned in many public places such as parks, on the bus, and even in the work places, which can not be similar application on mobile phone. Because, without contact gadgets we could not share our daily life in the recreational destinations or our works to friends, which could be an inconvenience for some content creators who are more likely to use their own account on social platforms to connect with their fans.
In conclusion, I have a strong idea that it can be a struggling challenge for some people when banning using mobile phones due to their jobs, instead, limiting the time a person use mobile phone in some cases may ensure the fair but still keep their own right.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"using phone is a form of isolation as smoking" -> "using a phone is comparable to smoking in terms of its isolating effects"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The suggested revision clarifies the comparison and uses more formal language suitable for academic writing.
"so it must be going to work with mobile phone" -> "therefore, it is essential to restrict the use of mobile phones"
Explanation: The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and informal. The revision corrects the grammar and uses a more formal tone.
"due to several reasons that are explained in this essay" -> "due to several reasons that will be discussed in this essay"
Explanation: The original phrase is vague and informal. The suggested change clarifies that the reasons will be presented later in the essay, which is more appropriate for academic writing.
"a large-scale of using mobile phone" -> "widespread use of mobile phones"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revision corrects the grammar and enhances clarity.
"challenging task for teacher to manage the fair of examinations" -> "challenging task for teachers to manage the fairness of examinations"
Explanation: The original phrase contains a grammatical error and an unclear meaning. The revision corrects the grammar and clarifies the intended meaning.
"advanced devices like touchscreen phone" -> "advanced devices such as touchscreen phones"
Explanation: The original phrase lacks the plural form of "phones," which is necessary for grammatical correctness and clarity.
"could make some students who are already lazy and unstudious addicted to" -> "could lead some students who are already lazy and unmotivated to become addicted"
Explanation: The original phrase is informal and lacks precision. The revision uses more formal language and clarifies the nature of the addiction.
"the phenomenon is that they are self-isolated to the people around them" -> "the phenomenon of self-isolation from others"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The revision simplifies and clarifies the meaning.
"using mobile phone do not always have negative effects" -> "the use of mobile phones does not always have negative effects"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and informal. The revision corrects the grammar and enhances formality.
"It is true that, the internet helps people from all over the world make friends with each others" -> "It is true that the internet enables people worldwide to connect with one another"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revision corrects the grammar and uses more formal language.
"by using mobile phone which easily allow us to access" -> "through the use of mobile phones, which easily allows us to access"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revision corrects the grammar and improves readability.
"smoking is banned in many public places such as parks, on the bus, and even in the work places" -> "smoking is prohibited in various public places, including parks, buses, and workplaces"
Explanation: The original phrase is informal and lacks precision. The revision uses more formal language and corrects the list structure.
"which could be an inconvenience for some content creators" -> "which could be inconvenient for some content creators"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and informal. The revision simplifies and formalizes the language.
"I have a strong idea that it can be a struggling challenge" -> "I firmly believe that it would be a significant challenge"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The revision clarifies the meaning and uses more formal academic language.
"limiting the time a person use mobile phone" -> "limiting the time individuals use their mobile phones"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and informal. The revision corrects the grammar and enhances formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument regarding the use of mobile phones and their comparison to smoking. The author states a partial agreement with the notion that mobile phones can be antisocial. However, the response could be clearer in delineating the extent of agreement or disagreement. For instance, while the essay mentions reasons for both banning and allowing mobile phone use, it does not explicitly state how strongly the author agrees or disagrees with the proposed ban.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should clearly articulate their position at the beginning and reiterate it throughout the essay. A more definitive stance on whether mobile phones should be banned or not, along with a clear rationale for that position, would strengthen the response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that is somewhat clear but lacks consistency. The phrase "I partly agree" suggests ambivalence, which is not fully explored in the body paragraphs. The author mentions both the negative aspects of mobile phone use and the benefits, but the connection to the central argument about banning is not consistently maintained.
- How to improve: The author should strive for a more definitive position. If the intention is to partially agree, the essay should explore the implications of this stance more thoroughly. Including transitional phrases that reinforce the position and summarizing the stance in the conclusion would help maintain clarity.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the impact of mobile phones on education and social interactions. However, the development of these ideas is sometimes unclear or lacks sufficient support. For example, the claim that mobile phones lead to isolation is made, but it could benefit from more specific examples or data to substantiate this point.
- How to improve: To improve this aspect, the author should provide concrete examples or statistics to support claims. Additionally, each idea should be clearly linked back to the main argument about the antisocial nature of mobile phone use, ensuring that each point contributes to the overall thesis.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing mobile phones and their social implications. However, there are moments where the focus shifts, such as when discussing the benefits of mobile phones without clearly tying it back to the argument about banning. This can create confusion about the main point being made.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every paragraph directly relates back to the central question of whether mobile phones should be banned. Each point made should clearly connect to the overarching theme of antisocial behavior, and unnecessary tangents should be avoided.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, improvements in clarity, consistency, and support for arguments would enhance the overall effectiveness of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the use of mobile phones and their comparison to smoking. The introduction outlines the writer’s position, and the body paragraphs attempt to present both sides of the argument. However, the logical flow is occasionally disrupted by unclear connections between ideas. For instance, the transition from discussing the negative impacts of mobile phones in educational settings to the positive aspects of social connectivity lacks a smooth segue, making it harder for the reader to follow the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that directly relate to the thesis. Additionally, employing transitional phrases (e.g., "Conversely," "In contrast," "Furthermore") can help guide the reader through the argument and clarify the relationships between points.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs, but their structure could be improved for better clarity. Each paragraph contains multiple ideas that could be more effectively separated. For example, the first body paragraph discusses both the negative implications ofmobile phone use in schools and the necessity of communication for safety, which could be confusing for the reader.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should ideally focus on a single main idea. Consider splitting the first body paragraph into two: one focusing on the negative impacts of mobile phones in educational settings and the other on the necessity of communication for safety. This will help maintain clarity and coherence throughout the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which help to structure the argument. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited and at times awkward. For instance, phrases like "which could lead to the phenomenon is that they are self-isolated" are convoluted and disrupt the flow of the text.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Moreover," "In addition," "Consequently," and "For example." Additionally, ensure that the devices used are grammatically correct and clearly connect ideas. Revising awkward phrases for clarity will also enhance the overall cohesiveness of the essay.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some attempts to use varied expressions. For instance, terms like "high-tech tools," "technological gadgets," and "social platforms" show an effort to incorporate specific vocabulary related to the topic. However, there are instances of repetitive language, such as the frequent use of "mobile phone" and "using," which detracts from the overall lexical variety.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms or related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "mobile phone," alternatives like "smartphone," "device," or "communication tool" could be employed. Additionally, varying sentence structures and using more complex phrases can help showcase a broader vocabulary.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "the phenomenon is that they are self-isolated to the people around them" is awkwardly constructed and unclear. Additionally, "a large-scale of using mobile phone" should be revised to "widespread use of mobile phones" for clarity. The phrase "can not be consider as a form of alienation" contains grammatical errors and misuses "consider," which should be "considered."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. This can be achieved by reviewing phrases for clarity and grammatical correctness. Utilizing a thesaurus to find more appropriate words and practicing writing sentences that clearly express complex ideas will also be beneficial.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits several spelling errors, such as "challeniging" (challenging), "fair of examinations" (fear), and "consider" (considered). These mistakes indicate a lack of attention to detail and can distract the reader from the overall argument.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy. This could involve reading the essay aloud to catch errors or using spelling and grammar checking tools. Additionally, practicing spelling common vocabulary words and reviewing frequently misspelled words can help improve overall spelling skills.

By addressing these areas—expanding vocabulary range, improving precision, and enhancing spelling accuracy—the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as simple sentences ("In this case, it is argued that using phone is a form of isolation as smoking") and compound sentences ("On the one hand, in school systems or universities, to ensure the navigation of teenagers and their safety, many parents allow them to use high-tech tools to connect and communicate regardless of the physical distance"). However, the complexity of the structures is limited, and there are instances of awkward phrasing and unclear constructions (e.g., "which can be a challeniging task for teacher to manage the fair of examinations"). This limits the overall effectiveness of the argument.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses and varied conjunctions. For example, instead of saying "which can be a challeniging task for teacher to manage the fair of examinations," the writer could say, "which poses a challenging task for teachers to manage fairly during examinations." Practicing the use of relative clauses and conditional sentences can also enhance the range of structures.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains multiple grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ("using mobile phone do not always have negative effects"), incorrect article usage ("the fair of examinations" should be "the fairness of examinations"), and punctuation errors (e.g., missing commas in compound sentences). These errors hinder clarity and coherence, contributing to the lower band score. Additionally, phrases like "which could lead to the phenomenon is that they are self-isolated" are grammatically incorrect and convoluted.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and ensure that verbs match their subjects in number (singular/plural). Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly on articles and verb forms, can be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading for punctuation errors and ensuring that commas are used correctly in complex sentences will enhance clarity. The writer might consider breaking longer sentences into shorter, clearer ones to avoid confusion.

Overall, while the essay presents some relevant ideas, significant improvements in grammatical range and accuracy are necessary to achieve a higher band score. Regular practice and focused revision on identified weaknesses will be crucial for progress.

Bài sửa mẫu

In this case, it is argued that using a phone is comparable to smoking in terms of its isolating effects, which is banned in certain places. Therefore, it is essential to restrict the use of mobile phones in a similar manner. Personally, I partly agree with this school of thought due to several reasons that will be discussed in this essay.

On the one hand, in school systems or universities, to ensure the navigation of teenagers and their safety, many parents allow them to use advanced devices such as touchscreen phones to connect and communicate regardless of physical distance. As a result, this tendency could lead to widespread use of mobile phones in the educational environment, which can be a challenging task for teachers to manage the fairness of examinations. Hence, these advanced devices could lead some students who are already lazy and unmotivated to become addicted, resulting in the phenomenon of self-isolation from others. That’s why technological gadgets should be banned temporarily.

On the other hand, the use of mobile phones does not always have negative effects on one’s behavior, so in certain situations, it cannot be considered a form of alienation. It is true that the internet enables people worldwide to connect with one another through the use of mobile phones, which easily allows us to access social platforms. The fact that smoking is prohibited in various public places, including parks, buses, and workplaces, cannot be similarly applied to mobile phones. Without these devices, we could not share our daily lives in recreational destinations or our work with friends, which could be inconvenient for some content creators who are more likely to use their own accounts on social platforms to connect with their fans.

In conclusion, I firmly believe that it would be a significant challenge for some people if mobile phones were banned due to their jobs. Instead, limiting the time individuals use their mobile phones in certain cases may ensure fairness while still preserving their rights.