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The use of mobile phones is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certain places so mobile phones should be banned like smoking. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The use of mobile phones is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certain places so mobile phones should be banned like smoking.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Whether the use of smartphones should be attributed to negative behaviors against the society has long been a heating topic. While smoking, an activity that is also closely tied to bad attitudes towards the society has been forbidden in some particular places, it is believed that the use of mobile phones should face with similar restrictions. In my stance, I strongly disagree with all of the aforementioned viewpoints.

On the one hand, neither smoking nor mobile phones usage are inherently antisocial for several reasons. One pivotal point to make is that albeit the image of cigarettes may cause a negative impression at first glance, they are used for various purposes in the modern society apart from antisocial terms. A prime example for this is how the contemporary artists make use of smoking as a way to relieve their stressors, thereby sparking the creativity to produce their works of arts. Another significant aspect is that the effects of smart phones on their users also vary depending on how they use them. In fact, the utilization of mobile phones may entail numerous positive outcomes. A boy in Quang Nam province, for instance, has made use of his phone as a tool to earn thousands of dollars by designing and selling mobile games. Therefore, the antisocial behaviors of those whose abuse their phones to escape from social life should be regarded as one of the side effects rather than a subsequent results of mobile phones usage.

On the flip side, the restriction on smoking should not be considered a precedent for a ban on mobile phones use. One point of concern is that smoking are mostly forbidden in certain areas due to its detrimental impacts on health rather than its influences on ways of behaving. In truth, the majority of slogans against the use of cigarette appearing on the media are about the health issues attributed to it such as lung cancer. Additionally, the ban mobiles phones may result in a wide range of unwelcomed consequences due to the dependance of the population on it. Apparently, the application of phones can be seen in diverse aspects of life including communication, entertainment, education, etc. Hence, if the access to mobile phones is limit, people will be hindered from almost all of their life essentials.

By way of conclusion, I contend that the use of mobile phones should not be concerned as a component that contribute to antisocial behavior. Also, the ban on phones usage is not unnecessarily strict, but it seems to be awkward in comparison with the restriction on smoking.


 

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Errors and Improvements:

  1. “Whether the use of smartphones should be attributed to negative behaviors against the society has long been a heating topic.” -> “Whether the use of smartphones contributes to negative behaviors within society has long been a heated topic.”
    Explanation: Replacing “attributed to negative behaviors against the society” with “contributes to negative behaviors within society” clarifies the sentence and removes unnecessary complexity. Additionally, “heating topic” is corrected to “heated topic” for grammatical accuracy.
  2. “While smoking, an activity that is also closely tied to bad attitudes towards the society has been forbidden in some particular places, it is believed that the use of mobile phones should face with similar restrictions.” -> “While smoking, an activity closely associated with negative societal attitudes, has been prohibited in specific places, there is a belief that the use of mobile phones should be subject to similar restrictions.”
    Explanation: The phrase “closely tied to bad attitudes towards the society” is replaced with “closely associated with negative societal attitudes” for clarity and formality. “Face with” is changed to “be subject to” for a more precise expression.
  3. “In my stance, I strongly disagree with all of the aforementioned viewpoints.” -> “In my opinion, I strongly disagree with all the aforementioned viewpoints.”
    Explanation: The term “stance” is replaced with “opinion” for simplicity and clarity. Additionally, the term “aforementioned” is retained for formality, but unnecessary wording is removed.
  4. “On the one hand, neither smoking nor mobile phones usage are inherently antisocial for several reasons.” -> “On one hand, neither smoking nor the usage of mobile phones is inherently antisocial for several reasons.”
    Explanation: The phrase “On the one hand” is simplified to “On one hand” for conciseness. The verb “are” is changed to “is” to match the singular subject “usage.”
  5. “One pivotal point to make is that albeit the image of cigarettes may cause a negative impression at first glance, they are used for various purposes in the modern society apart from antisocial terms.” -> “One pivotal point to make is that, although the image of cigarettes may create a negative impression at first glance, they serve various purposes in modern society beyond antisocial contexts.”
    Explanation: “Albeit” is replaced with “although” for a more common and formal term. “Cause” is changed to “create,” and “apart from antisocial terms” is modified to “beyond antisocial contexts” for clarity and formality.
  6. “A prime example for this is how the contemporary artists make use of smoking as a way to relieve their stressors, thereby sparking the creativity to produce their works of arts.” -> “A prime example of this is how contemporary artists use smoking as a means to alleviate stressors, thereby sparking creativity to produce their works of art.”
    Explanation: “A prime example for this” is corrected to “A prime example of this” for proper grammar. “Make use of” is changed to “use,” and “works of arts” is corrected to “works of art” for accuracy and formality.
  7. “The effects of smart phones on their users also vary depending on how they use them.” -> “The effects of smartphones on their users also vary depending on their usage.”
    Explanation: “Smart phones” is corrected to “smartphones” for consistency. The phrase “depending on how they use them” is simplified to “depending on their usage” for conciseness and formality.
  8. “Therefore, the antisocial behaviors of those whose abuse their phones to escape from social life should be regarded as one of the side effects rather than a subsequent results of mobile phones usage.” -> “Therefore, the antisocial behaviors of those who abuse their phones to escape social life should be regarded as one of the side effects rather than a subsequent result of mobile phone usage.”
    Explanation: “Whose abuse” is corrected to “who abuse,” and “results” is changed to “result” for grammatical accuracy. “Mobile phones usage” is corrected to “mobile phone usage” for consistency.
  9. “On the flip side, the restriction on smoking should not be considered a precedent for a ban on mobile phones use.” -> “On the flip side, the restriction on smoking should not be considered a precedent for a ban on the use of mobile phones.”
    Explanation: “Mobile phones use” is corrected to “the use of mobile phones” for clarity.
  10. “One point of concern is that smoking are mostly forbidden in certain areas due to its detrimental impacts on health rather than its influences on ways of behaving.” -> “One point of concern is that smoking is mostly forbidden in certain areas due to its detrimental impacts on health rather than its influence on behavior.”
    Explanation: “Smoking are” is corrected to “smoking is” for subject-verb agreement. “Influences on ways of behaving” is modified to “influence on behavior” for conciseness and clarity.
  11. “In truth, the majority of slogans against the use of cigarette appearing on the media are about the health issues attributed to it such as lung cancer.” -> “In truth, the majority of slogans against cigarette use appearing in the media focus on health issues attributed to it, such as lung cancer.”
    Explanation: “The use of cigarette” is corrected to “cigarette use” for proper grammar. “On the media” is changed to “in the media” for accuracy. “About the health issues attributed to it” is clarified for better structure and formality.
  12. “Additionally, the ban mobiles phones may result in a wide range of unwelcomed consequences due to the dependance of the population on it.” -> “Additionally, a ban on mobile phones may result in a wide range of unwelcome consequences due to the dependence of the population on them.”
    Explanation: “The ban mobiles phones” is corrected to “a ban on mobile phones” for proper grammar. “Unwelcomed” is changed to “unwelcome” for accuracy. “Dependance” is corrected to “dependence,” and “on it” is changed to “on them” for consistency and clarity.
  13. “Apparently, the application of phones can be seen in diverse aspects of life including communication, entertainment, education, etc.” -> “Evidently, the use of phones is evident in diverse aspects of life, including communication, entertainment, education, etc.”
    Explanation: “Apparently” is replaced with “evidently” for a stronger and more formal expression. “The application of phones” is changed to “the use of phones” for clarity. The term “etc.” is retained for brevity.
  14. “Hence, if the access to mobile phones is limit, people will be hindered from almost all of their life essentials.” -> “Hence, if access to mobile phones is limited, people will be hindered from accessing almost all of their essential needs.”
    Explanation: “If the access” is corrected to “if access,” and “is limit” is changed to “is limited” for grammatical accuracy. “Life essentials” is modified to “essential needs” for clarity and formality.

 

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

  1. Quoted text: “One pivotal point to make is that albeit the image of cigarettes may cause a negative impression at first glance, they are used for various purposes in the modern society apart from antisocial terms.”
    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: This statement lacks clarity in its argument and fails to directly connect the example of cigarette usage with the essay topic. It is crucial to provide a clear link between the example and the prompt’s focus on antisocial behavior.
    • Improved example: “While cigarettes might initially be perceived negatively, they serve multiple roles beyond antisocial behavior in modern society. For example, some individuals use smoking as a means of social bonding or stress relief, which can arguably have social benefits.”
  2. Quoted text: “A boy in Quang Nam province, for instance, has made use of his phone as a tool to earn thousands of dollars by designing and selling mobile games.”
    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The example provided is relevant but not sufficiently developed to support the argument against mobile phones being antisocial. More detail on how this example demonstrates positive social engagement or counters antisocial behavior would strengthen the argument.
    • Improved example: “For instance, a boy in Quang Nam province used his phone constructively to develop and sell mobile games, earning thousands of dollars and also creating a platform for social interaction and entertainment for others, showcasing how mobile phones can foster creativity and social engagement.”
  3. Quoted text: “Additionally, the ban mobiles phones may result in a wide range of unwelcomed consequences due to the dependance of the population on it.”
    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: This argument is vague and needs more specific examples to illustrate the ‘unwelcomed consequences’ and how they relate to antisocial behavior. Elaborating on these consequences will enhance the effectiveness of the argument.
    • Improved example: “Moreover, banning mobile phones could lead to unwelcome consequences, such as hampering essential communication and coordination in both personal and professional spheres, thus inadvertently leading to social isolation and disruption.”
  4. Quoted text: “By way of conclusion, I contend that the use of mobile phones should not be concerned as a component that contribute to antisocial behavior.”
    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The conclusion is somewhat repetitive and lacks a clear summary of the key arguments made in the essay. A more effective conclusion would succinctly restate the main points and solidify the writer’s position.
    • Improved example: “In conclusion, considering the various positive social and individual contributions of mobile phones, as illustrated through examples of creative and communicative uses, it is clear that they should not be deemed as inherently contributing to antisocial behavior, unlike smoking.”

Overall, the essay adequately addresses the task with relevant arguments and examples but requires more focused development and clarity in connecting examples to the argument. The conclusion could be strengthened by summarizing key points more effectively.

 

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a generally coherent organization of ideas with a clear overall progression. The introduction presents the topic effectively, and each paragraph contains a central theme. The writer uses cohesive devices effectively, but there are instances of faulty or mechanical cohesion within and between sentences. For example, the phrase “utilization of mobile phones may entail numerous positive outcomes” lacks clarity and could be more smoothly connected to the preceding sentence. Additionally, there is a slight lack of referencing and substitution, as seen in the phrase “all of the aforementioned viewpoints” without clear reference. Paragraphing is generally logical, though there is room for improvement, especially in the second-to-last paragraph where the shift in focus could be signaled more explicitly.

How to improve:

  1. Ensure clear referencing and substitution to enhance cohesion. Avoid vague phrases like “aforementioned viewpoints” without specifying.
  2. Work on the coherence within and between sentences, focusing on the smooth flow of ideas.
  3. Make paragraph transitions more explicit, especially when shifting between contrasting points. This will contribute to a more logically organized essay.

 

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing some flexibility and precision. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items with awareness of style and collocation. The essay features occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and/or word formation but these do not significantly impede communication. There is a balance in presenting arguments for both sides, and the essay employs varied vocabulary to discuss the different aspects of the issue. However, occasional inaccuracies and errors are present, such as “heating” instead of “heated,” “pivotal point to make is” could be more concise, and there are spelling and word formation issues (e.g., “dependance” should be “dependence,” “limit” should be “limited”).

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, focus on refining word choice and maintaining consistency in spelling and word formation. Additionally, strive for conciseness in expressions to improve overall coherence. Further, consider incorporating a wider variety of advanced vocabulary and pay attention to accurate usage of less common lexical items.

 

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
This essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which aligns with the Band 6 descriptor. The writer attempts to use a variety of structures and exhibits some control of grammar and punctuation. However, there are several grammatical errors, and punctuation issues are present, which affect communication. For example, there are issues with subject-verb agreement, word choice, and sentence structure. Despite these errors, the overall meaning of the essay is mostly clear.

How to improve:

  1. Review and correct grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues and word choice. For example, “whether the use of smartphones should be attributed” could be improved to “whether the use of smartphones should be considered.”
  2. Work on sentence structure and clarity. Some sentences are overly complex and may confuse the reader. Simplify where necessary.
  3. Pay close attention to punctuation. Proper punctuation can enhance the clarity of your writing. For instance, “a ban on mobile phones use” should be “a ban on the use of mobile phones.”
  4. Develop your arguments more thoroughly. Provide specific examples and evidence to support your points.

Overall, this essay has the potential to improve its grammatical accuracy and clarity to achieve a higher band score.

 

Bài sửa mẫu

The debate surrounding whether the use of smartphones can be likened to antisocial behavior, akin to smoking, has been a contentious issue. While smoking, a practice also linked to negative societal attitudes, is prohibited in specific places, the suggestion that mobile phones should face similar restrictions is a viewpoint I strongly disagree with.

On one hand, neither smoking nor the use of mobile phones is inherently antisocial for various reasons. It’s essential to recognize that although cigarettes may initially convey a negative impression, they serve multiple purposes in modern society beyond fostering antisocial behavior. For instance, contemporary artists often use smoking as a means to alleviate stress, igniting creativity for their artistic endeavors. Similarly, the impact of smartphones on users varies based on how they are utilized. A compelling example is a boy in Quang Nam province who leveraged his phone to design and sell mobile games, earning thousands of dollars. Therefore, labeling mobile phone users as antisocial should be seen as a side effect rather than a direct consequence of phone usage.

On the flip side, using the restriction on smoking as a precedent for banning mobile phones is problematic. The primary concern is that smoking is typically prohibited in certain areas due to its adverse health effects rather than its influence on behavior. Anti-smoking campaigns often focus on health issues like lung cancer, and applying a similar ban to mobile phones may have unintended consequences due to the population’s dependence on them. Phones play a crucial role in various aspects of life, including communication, entertainment, and education. Limiting access to mobile phones would hinder people from fulfilling their essential needs.

In conclusion, I assert that the use of mobile phones should not be deemed a contributor to antisocial behavior. Additionally, enforcing a ban on phone usage is not only unnecessary but also appears awkward when compared to restrictions on smoking.

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