The use of social media , e.g. FB and twitter , is replacing face-to-face contact for many people in everyday life . Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages ?

One school of thought holds that the rise of social media platforms such as Facebook and Twitter has significantly altered how people communicate, often replacing traditional in – person contact. While this admittedly has certain benefits, I would argue that the drawbacks are far more significant.

On the one hand, the shift towards communication via social media platforms can be beneficial to a certain extent. One notable advantage of social media is its ability to help individuals stay connected with friends and family across great distances. For instance, international students can use social media platforms to share experiences and update their loved ones in real-time, including through instant photo sharing. Social media also offers significant benefits to businesses, not just students. Many companies now prefer remote work arrangements, which allows them to hold meetings through online platforms like Zoom or Google Meet instead of in-person gatherings. This approach enhances convenience and helps avoid potential disruptions, such as inclement weather or natural disasters. As a result, businesses can operate more efficiently and effectively, regardless of geographical barriers.

On the other hand, I am convinced that the aforementioned benefits pale in significance when compared to the increasing reliance on social media and also come with significant disadvantages. One major concern is the erosion of genuine human connection. Excessive use of social media is linked to various mental health issues, such as anxiety, depression, and loneliness. Continuous comparison between one's online persona and real-life circumstances can exacerbate these mental health problems. Prolonged exposure to social media often leads users to feel discouraged about forming genuine relationships. Additionally, excessive screen time can contribute to physical issues such as vision problems, back pain, and neck strain.

In the view of the aforementioned discussion,using social networks helps people communicate more easily, but it also brings disadvantages such as affecting people's physical and mental health. I take the position that the drawbacks far outweigh the benefits.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"One school of thought holds that" -> "It is argued that"
Explanation: "It is argued that" is a more direct and formal way to introduce an opinion or perspective in academic writing, avoiding the colloquial tone of "One school of thought holds that."
"often replacing traditional in – person contact" -> "frequently replacing traditional face-to-face interactions"
Explanation: "Face-to-face interactions" is a more precise and formal term than "in-person contact," and "frequently" is more specific than "often," enhancing the academic tone.
"admittedly" -> "it is acknowledged that"
Explanation: "It is acknowledged that" is a more formal expression that aligns better with academic style, avoiding the conversational tone of "admittedly."
"certain extent" -> "certain degree"
Explanation: "Degree" is a more precise term in academic contexts, indicating a measurable level or extent, whereas "extent" can be vague.
"notable advantage" -> "significant advantage"
Explanation: "Significant" is more academically appropriate than "notable," which can imply a degree of prominence that may not be universally agreed upon.
"help individuals stay connected" -> "enable individuals to maintain connections"
Explanation: "Enable" and "maintain connections" are more formal and precise, fitting the academic style better than "help stay connected."
"update their loved ones" -> "inform their loved ones"
Explanation: "Inform" is a more formal verb than "update," which is often used in a more casual context.
"instant photo sharing" -> "immediate photo sharing"
Explanation: "Immediate" is a more formal synonym for "instant," aligning better with academic language.
"allows them to hold meetings" -> "enables them to conduct meetings"
Explanation: "Enables" and "conduct" are more formal and precise, suitable for an academic context.
"enhances convenience" -> "facilitates convenience"
Explanation: "Facilitates" is a more formal synonym for "enhances," which is commonly used in academic writing to describe the improvement of processes.
"come with significant disadvantages" -> "are accompanied by significant disadvantages"
Explanation: "Are accompanied by" is a more formal and precise way to introduce the disadvantages that follow.
"I am convinced" -> "it is evident"
Explanation: "It is evident" is a more objective and formal expression, avoiding the personal and subjective tone of "I am convinced."
"the aforementioned benefits pale in significance" -> "the aforementioned benefits are significantly outweighed"
Explanation: "Are significantly outweighed" is a more precise and formal way to express that the benefits are less important compared to the drawbacks.
"genuine human connection" -> "authentic human connections"
Explanation: "Authentic" is a more precise and academically appropriate term than "genuine" in this context, emphasizing the quality of the connections.
"Continuous comparison" -> "Ongoing comparison"
Explanation: "Ongoing" is a more formal term than "continuous," which can imply a more static state.
"real-life circumstances" -> "real-life situations"
Explanation: "Situations" is a more formal term than "circumstances," fitting better in an academic context.
"In the view of the aforementioned discussion" -> "Considering the aforementioned discussion"
Explanation: "Considering" is a more formal transitional phrase than "In the view of," which is less commonly used in academic writing.
"using social networks" -> "utilizing social networks"
Explanation: "Utilizing" is a more formal and precise verb than "using," which is somewhat casual for academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 9

Band Score for Task Response: 9

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of social media in replacing face-to-face contact. The author presents a balanced view by acknowledging the benefits of social media, such as maintaining connections over long distances and facilitating business operations, before clearly articulating the more significant drawbacks, including the erosion of genuine human connection and associated mental health issues. This comprehensive approach ensures that all aspects of the question are thoroughly explored.
- How to improve: While the essay already excels in this area, further elaboration on specific examples of advantages and disadvantages could enhance depth. For instance, including statistics or studies related to mental health impacts would provide more substantial evidence to support the claims made.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout, asserting that the disadvantages of social media outweigh its advantages. The author effectively signals this stance in the introduction and reinforces it in the conclusion. Phrases like "I would argue that the drawbacks are far more significant" and "I take the position that the drawbacks far outweigh the benefits" clearly communicate the writer’s viewpoint.
- How to improve: To further strengthen this clarity, the author could use transitional phrases that reiterate their position at the beginning of each paragraph. This would remind the reader of the central argument and enhance the cohesiveness of the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents well-structured ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The advantages are discussed in the first body paragraph, while the disadvantages are explored in the second. Each point is supported with relevant examples, such as the impact of social media on international students and the mental health issues associated with excessive use. The use of specific instances helps to substantiate the claims made.
- How to improve: To further extend and support ideas, the author could incorporate counterarguments or acknowledge potential rebuttals to their position. For example, discussing how some people may find social media beneficial for building relationships could provide a more nuanced view and strengthen the overall argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, consistently addressing the implications of social media on face-to-face communication. There are no significant deviations from the topic, and the discussion remains relevant to the prompt. The author effectively ties back to the central theme of communication changes due to social media.
- How to improve: While the essay is well-focused, ensuring that each point directly relates back to the main question can further enhance clarity. The author might consider explicitly linking each advantage and disadvantage back to the core issue of face-to-face communication, reinforcing the relevance of each point to the prompt.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a high level of proficiency in addressing the Task Response criteria, effectively balancing the discussion of advantages and disadvantages while maintaining a clear position. With minor enhancements in elaboration and counterargument consideration, it could reach an even higher level of sophistication.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively sets up the discussion by stating the topic and the writer’s position. Each body paragraph addresses a distinct aspect of the argument—one focusing on the advantages of social media and the other on the disadvantages. However, while the ideas are generally well-organized, there are moments where the transition between points could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing the benefits of social media for individuals to its advantages for businesses could be better linked to maintain a cohesive flow.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas between sentences and paragraphs. For example, after discussing the benefits for individuals, a phrase like "Similarly, this trend is also evident in the business sector" could help bridge the two points more effectively.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The first body paragraph discusses the advantages of social media, while the second addresses the disadvantages. However, the conclusion could be more distinct and effectively summarize the key points made in the essay. Currently, it feels somewhat abrupt and lacks a clear restatement of the main arguments.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that the conclusion not only states the writer’s position but also briefly summarizes the main points discussed in the body paragraphs. This could involve restating the key advantages and disadvantages in a concise manner, reinforcing the overall argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which effectively signal contrasting points. Additionally, phrases like "for instance" and "as a result" help to clarify examples and outcomes. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the flow could be improved with more varied linking words and phrases.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "One major concern," consider alternatives like "Another significant drawback" or "In addition to this." This will enhance the essay’s overall cohesion and make the argument feel more fluid and interconnected.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a well-structured argument. By focusing on improving transitions, refining the conclusion, and diversifying cohesive devices, the writer can enhance the coherence and cohesion of their writing, potentially raising their band score further.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 8

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, effectively utilizing terms related to the topic of social media and communication. Phrases like "significantly altered," "traditional in-person contact," and "genuine human connection" showcase the writer’s ability to express complex ideas clearly. Additionally, the use of specific terms such as "inclement weather," "mental health issues," and "prolonged exposure" indicates a strong grasp of relevant vocabulary.
- How to improve: To elevate the lexical resource further, the writer could incorporate more varied synonyms and expressions to avoid repetition. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "social media," alternatives like "digital platforms" or "online networks" could be employed. Additionally, integrating more idiomatic expressions or collocations could enhance the naturalness and sophistication of the language.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates precise vocabulary usage, particularly in the context of discussing the advantages and disadvantages of social media. Terms such as "exacerbate" and "erosion" are used accurately, conveying the intended meaning effectively. However, there are instances where word choice could be refined. For example, the phrase "the aforementioned benefits pale in significance" could be simplified to "the benefits mentioned earlier are minor," which would maintain clarity while being more straightforward.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on ensuring that every term used conveys the exact intended meaning. This can be achieved by reviewing synonyms and selecting the one that best fits the context. Additionally, the writer could benefit from varying sentence structures to enhance clarity and precision in conveying complex ideas.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a high level of spelling accuracy, with no noticeable errors throughout the text. Words are spelled correctly, and the overall presentation is professional. The only minor issue is the lack of a space in "the aforementioned discussion,using," which should be corrected to "the aforementioned discussion, using."
- How to improve: To maintain high spelling accuracy, the writer should continue to proofread their work carefully. Utilizing tools such as spell checkers or grammar checkers can also help catch minor errors. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises or vocabulary quizzes can reinforce memory and improve overall spelling skills.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a strong command of lexical resource, with effective vocabulary usage and spelling accuracy. By incorporating more varied vocabulary, refining word choices for precision, and maintaining careful proofreading practices, the writer can further enhance their lexical resource in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. For example, the author effectively employs complex sentences such as "One school of thought holds that the rise of social media platforms such as Facebook and Twitter has significantly altered how people communicate, often replacing traditional in-person contact." This showcases the ability to convey complex ideas clearly. Additionally, the use of conditional structures, as seen in "if social media is used excessively," adds depth to the argument. However, while there is a good range, some sentences could be further varied to enhance engagement, such as incorporating more compound-complex sentences.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, the writer could experiment with starting sentences in different ways, such as using adverbial clauses or participial phrases. For instance, instead of starting with "One major concern is the erosion of genuine human connection," the writer could begin with "Eroding genuine human connection is a major concern." This would not only vary the structure but also emphasize the point more dynamically.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits strong grammatical accuracy, with few errors. For example, the phrase "the drawbacks are far more significant" is grammatically correct and effectively conveys the author’s argument. However, there are minor punctuation issues, such as the unnecessary space before the hyphen in "in – person contact," which detracts from the overall professionalism of the writing. Additionally, the phrase "the aforementioned benefits pale in significance" could be clearer with a slight rephrasing for better flow.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, the writer should carefully proofread the essay to catch minor errors, particularly with punctuation. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking peer feedback can also help identify and correct these issues. Furthermore, practicing writing sentences that require more complex punctuation, such as semicolons or colons, can improve overall punctuation skills. For example, the sentence "As a result, businesses can operate more efficiently and effectively, regardless of geographical barriers" could be split into two sentences for clarity: "As a result, businesses can operate more efficiently. They can do so effectively, regardless of geographical barriers."

Overall, the essay demonstrates a high level of grammatical range and accuracy, meriting a band score of 8. With some focused improvements on sentence variety and careful attention to punctuation, the writer could further enhance the quality of their writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

One school of thought holds that the rise of social media platforms such as Facebook and Twitter has significantly altered how people communicate, often replacing traditional face-to-face contact. While this admittedly has certain benefits, I would argue that the drawbacks are far more significant.

On the one hand, the shift towards communication via social media platforms can be beneficial to a certain degree. One notable advantage of social media is its ability to help individuals stay connected with friends and family across great distances. For instance, international students can use social media platforms to share experiences and inform their loved ones in real-time, including through immediate photo sharing. Social media also offers significant advantages to businesses, not just students. Many companies now prefer remote work arrangements, which enable them to conduct meetings through online platforms like Zoom or Google Meet instead of in-person gatherings. This approach facilitates convenience and helps avoid potential disruptions, such as inclement weather or natural disasters. As a result, businesses can operate more efficiently and effectively, regardless of geographical barriers.

On the other hand, I am convinced that the aforementioned benefits pale in significance when compared to the increasing reliance on social media, which are accompanied by significant disadvantages. One major concern is the erosion of authentic human connections. Excessive use of social media is linked to various mental health issues, such as anxiety, depression, and loneliness. Ongoing comparison between one’s online persona and real-life situations can exacerbate these mental health problems. Prolonged exposure to social media often leads users to feel discouraged about forming genuine relationships. Additionally, excessive screen time can contribute to physical issues such as vision problems, back pain, and neck strain.

Considering the aforementioned discussion, utilizing social networks helps people communicate more easily, but it also brings disadvantages that affect people’s physical and mental health. I take the position that the drawbacks far outweigh the benefits.