The youth in many countries are unemployed and unskilled, while at the same time, the military services are in need of people. Compulsory military service is beneficial and necessary. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

The youth in many countries are unemployed and unskilled, while at the same time, the military services are in need of people. Compulsory military service is beneficial and necessary.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

It has been observed that while military services are under insufficiency of human resource, many youngsters appear to lack skills and careers. Hence, it is suggested that compulsory military service is beneficial and required for both the military force and the population. While there might be some arguments towards this sentiment, I would totally advocate conscription.

The grounds for having military service as an obligation to the populace vary from national benefits to personal improvements. To begin with, it is undoubtedly desirable that there be large numbers of individuals serving the military. Living in a peaceful era does not render military force less vital, as a country must be well-prepared for national protection. With more young people entering the military, the inadequacy issue of manpower in the military can be resolved, directly contributing to the development of the national force. Additionally, trained and skilled individuals after serving the military will be ready for any military call in the future, ensuring that the nation has its self-defense abilities.

Another reason to solidify conscription is the advantages that military service brings to a person. Military environment is always deemed as a harsh place for training with stringent rules and stern punishments. Inexperienced and unskilled young individuals can learn self-discipline, soft skills, analytical thinking and life-saving skills via training in the military. Moreover, after serving the military, many reported to have become more responsible for their own lives as well as to their beloved people. For these reasons, it is sound to say that military services helps individuals to obtain more life skills and become a more well-rounded version of themselves.

To conclude, compulsory military service is essential by virtue of its benefits in consolidating national defense and fostering personal developments among the youth.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

1. "many youngsters appear to lack skills and careers" -> "many young individuals seem to lack skills and career prospects"
   Explanation: The original phrase "many youngsters appear to lack skills and careers" is somewhat informal. "Young individuals" is a more formal term, and "career prospects" is a more precise way to refer to future job opportunities.

2. "Hence, it is suggested that compulsory military service is beneficial and required for both the military force and the population." -> "Consequently, it is proposed that mandatory military service is advantageous and necessary for both the armed forces and the populace."
   Explanation: "Hence" is a bit informal for academic writing. "Consequently" is a more formal alternative. "Compulsory" is replaced with "mandatory" for a more academic tone. "Military force" is substituted with "armed forces," which is a more precise term.

3. "While there might be some arguments towards this sentiment, I would totally advocate conscription." -> "Although there may be counterarguments, I wholeheartedly endorse conscription."
   Explanation: "While" is substituted with "Although" for greater formality. "Totally" is replaced with "wholeheartedly" for a more academic tone. "Advocate" is changed to "endorse" for a more formal choice of words.

4. "To begin with, it is undoubtedly desirable that there be large numbers of individuals serving the military." -> "Firstly, it is unquestionably advantageous to have a substantial number of individuals serving in the military."
   Explanation: "To begin with" is replaced with "Firstly" for a more formal transition. "Desirable" is substituted with "advantageous" for a stronger and more precise term.

5. "With more young people entering the military, the inadequacy issue of manpower in the military can be resolved" -> "Increased participation of young people in the military can address the manpower inadequacy within the armed forces."
   Explanation: The phrase "the inadequacy issue of manpower in the military" can be simplified for clarity and formality. "Resolved" is replaced with "addressed" for a more precise term.

6. "Another reason to solidify conscription is the advantages that military service brings to a person." -> "Another rationale for cementing conscription is the benefits that military service offers individuals."
   Explanation: "Solidify" is replaced with "cementing" for a more formal alternative. "Advantages" is substituted with "benefits" for clarity and formality.

7. "Military environment is always deemed as a harsh place for training with stringent rules and stern punishments." -> "The military environment is commonly regarded as a rigorous training ground with strict regulations and severe disciplinary measures."
   Explanation: "Deemed" is replaced with "regarded" for a more formal tone. "Harsh" is substituted with "rigorous" for a more precise term. "Place for training" is changed to "training ground" for clarity and formality.

8. "Inexperienced and unskilled young individuals can learn self-discipline, soft skills, analytical thinking and life-saving skills via training in the military." -> "Inexperienced and unskilled young individuals can develop self-discipline, interpersonal skills, critical thinking abilities, and life-saving techniques through military training."
   Explanation: "Learn" is replaced with "develop" for a more formal tone. "Soft skills" is changed to "interpersonal skills" for clarity and formality. "Analytical thinking" is substituted with "critical thinking abilities" for precision.

9. "Moreover, after serving the military, many reported to have become more responsible for their own lives as well as to their beloved people." -> "Furthermore, many individuals report increased responsibility for their own lives and their loved ones after completing military service."
   Explanation: "Moreover" is substituted with "Furthermore" for a more formal transition. "Reported to have become" is simplified to "report" for clarity and conciseness.

10. "For these reasons, it is sound to say that military services helps individuals to obtain more life skills and become a more well-rounded version of themselves." -> "Therefore, it is reasonable to assert that military service helps individuals acquire additional life skills and develop into more well-rounded individuals."
    Explanation: "For these reasons" is replaced with "Therefore" for a more formal transition. "Helps" is changed to "help" for subject-verb agreement. "Obtain" is substituted with "acquire" for a more formal choice of words.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all aspects of the prompt. It acknowledges the proposition that compulsory military service is beneficial and necessary, discusses reasons supporting this idea, and presents a clear stance in agreement with compulsory military service.
  • How to improve: To further enhance the response, consider providing more nuanced perspectives on potential counterarguments or addressing potential drawbacks of compulsory military service, offering a more balanced discussion.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position in support of compulsory military service. Each paragraph reinforces the idea that military service is beneficial both for national defense and personal development.
  • How to improve: To strengthen clarity, ensure that transitions between paragraphs are smooth and explicitly connect to the overall argument. Additionally, anticipate potential areas of confusion or ambiguity and address them proactively.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports its ideas. It offers specific reasons and examples to justify the benefits of compulsory military service for both national defense and individual growth.
  • How to improve: To further extend ideas, consider providing more diverse examples or incorporating relevant statistics or research findings to bolster arguments. Additionally, ensure that each idea is fully developed and elaborated upon to provide depth to the discussion.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a strong focus on the topic throughout, discussing the merits of compulsory military service and its implications for national defense and personal development.
  • How to improve: To ensure continued relevance, consistently tie each point back to the central argument and avoid tangential discussions. Additionally, carefully evaluate whether each example or argument directly contributes to the overall thesis.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the key components of the prompt and presents a coherent argument in favor of compulsory military service, further development and refinement could enhance the depth and balance of the discussion. By providing more nuanced perspectives, strengthening clarity, extending ideas with additional support, and maintaining strict relevance to the topic, the essay could achieve an even higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear and logical organization overall. It begins with an introduction that sets up the argument, followed by two well-developed body paragraphs discussing different aspects of the topic: the national benefits of compulsory military service and the personal benefits to individuals. Finally, the essay concludes by summarizing the main points and restating the position. Each paragraph is focused and transitions smoothly to the next, creating a cohesive structure.
  • How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider strengthening the topic sentences in each body paragraph to clearly introduce the main point. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph stays focused on its respective argument without introducing unrelated ideas.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to organize its ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument and contributes to the overall coherence of the essay. The introduction clearly presents the topic, while the body paragraphs delve into the reasons supporting compulsory military service. The conclusion neatly wraps up the discussion without introducing new points.
  • How to improve: While the essay’s paragraphing is generally effective, pay attention to paragraph length to maintain reader engagement. Consider breaking longer paragraphs into shorter ones to improve readability and highlight key points.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and maintain coherence. Transition words and phrases such as "to begin with," "additionally," and "to conclude" help guide the reader through the essay’s structure and reinforce the logical flow of arguments. Furthermore, pronouns and cohesive referencing (e.g., "this sentiment," "these reasons") link concepts within and between sentences.
  • How to improve: To further enrich cohesion, aim to incorporate a wider range of cohesive devices, including synonyms and parallel structures. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently throughout the essay to strengthen the connections between ideas and enhance overall coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, incorporating diverse terms such as "insufficiency," "contribution," "self-defense," "harsh," "stern," and "well-rounded," among others. This variety enhances the richness of expression and contributes to the clarity and sophistication of the arguments presented.
  • How to improve: While the essay already exhibits a strong lexical range, further enhancing it could involve incorporating more nuanced vocabulary specific to military and societal contexts. For instance, using terms like "military readiness," "strategic preparedness," or "national mobilization" could add depth to the discussion on military service.
• Use Vocabulary Precisely:
  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with precision, effectively conveying the intended meanings. For example, phrases like "inadequacy issue of manpower," "self-discipline," and "life-saving skills" are used appropriately to convey specific concepts related to military service and personal development.
  • How to improve: To further enhance precision, ensure that the chosen vocabulary precisely aligns with the intended context and meaning. Avoid using overly general terms that may lack specificity or clarity. Additionally, consider using domain-specific terminology accurately to strengthen the argument’s coherence and effectiveness.
• Use Correct Spelling:
  • Detailed explanation: The spelling accuracy in the essay is generally high, with minimal errors detracting from the overall readability. Examples such as "conscription," "discipline," and "conclude" are spelled correctly, contributing to the professionalism and clarity of the writing.
  • How to improve: To maintain consistently high spelling accuracy, it’s advisable to proofread the essay carefully, paying close attention to commonly misspelled words and typographical errors. Utilizing spell-checking tools and seeking feedback from peers or instructors can also help identify and rectify any spelling mistakes before final submission.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences, compound sentences, and some compound-complex structures. For instance, the use of introductory participial phrases ("Living in a peaceful era does not render military force less vital…") and relative clauses ("With more young people entering the military, the inadequacy issue of manpower in the military can be resolved…") enhances the complexity and coherence of the essay.
  • How to improve: To further enhance the sophistication of sentence structures, consider incorporating more advanced syntactic elements such as appositive phrases, inverted sentences, and conditional clauses. Additionally, pay attention to the balance between sentence lengths to maintain readability and flow.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a high level of grammatical accuracy, with only minor errors observed. For instance, the use of articles ("the benefits in consolidating national defense") and subject-verb agreement ("…many reported to have become more responsible…") is mostly correct throughout the essay. Punctuation marks are appropriately used to enhance clarity and organization.
  • How to improve: While the overall grammatical accuracy is strong, occasional errors in articles and verb forms could be minimized through careful proofreading. Focus on consistently applying grammatical rules, particularly in complex sentence structures, to ensure clarity and precision in expression. Additionally, consider using more advanced punctuation marks, such as em dashes and semicolons, to vary sentence structure and convey nuanced relationships between ideas.

Bài sửa mẫu

It has been noted that while military services face a shortage of personnel, many young individuals seem to lack skills and career prospects. Therefore, the suggestion arises that compulsory military service is beneficial and necessary for both the armed forces and the populace. Although there may be counterarguments, I wholeheartedly endorse conscription.

Firstly, it is unquestionably advantageous to have a substantial number of individuals serving in the military. Despite living in a peaceful era, the importance of military readiness for national defense cannot be underestimated. Increased participation of young people in the military can address the manpower inadequacy within the armed forces, directly contributing to national security. Additionally, individuals who undergo military training become equipped and prepared to respond to any future military demands, thereby ensuring the nation’s self-defense capabilities.

Another rationale for cementing conscription is the benefits that military service offers individuals. The military environment is commonly regarded as a rigorous training ground with strict regulations and severe disciplinary measures. Inexperienced and unskilled young individuals can develop self-discipline, interpersonal skills, critical thinking abilities, and life-saving techniques through military training. Furthermore, many individuals report increased responsibility for their own lives and their loved ones after completing military service. Therefore, it is reasonable to assert that military service helps individuals acquire additional life skills and develop into more well-rounded individuals.

In conclusion, compulsory military service is essential due to its benefits in consolidating national defense and fostering personal developments among the youth.