There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Nowadays, people listen to different types of music in the world . In my opinion , music has many benefits to people
Firstly, music connect people with each others from other coutries , other race , other class ,.. so for me , it’s fair and non- discriminatory.
Secondly, it is support for education. For example, music talk about history helps students know more about history of their countries easily,but only this, english song but aslo helps people progress their skill language . Or baby can learn spell by cute song and MV. It’s very convinient and effect
Thirdly, it’s can call by “ Medicine healing mental heakth”. So marverlous when you feel stressted and depressed,you are listened to chill song. Definitely you feel good more before
In conclusion, music has many wonderdul benefits for people. It’s support for education, people’s emotions and non- discriminatory. In addition, I belive music can progress many people’s aspect, experss each person’s personality and music contains the cultural, local, history of people or countries so it support a lot of cultural promotion
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"Nowadays" -> "Currently"
Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise temporal indicator suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "Nowadays." -
"people listen to different types of music in the world" -> "individuals worldwide engage with various genres of music"
Explanation: "Individuals worldwide engage with various genres of music" is more formal and specific, avoiding the vague "people" and "different types of music." -
"In my opinion, music has many benefits to people" -> "In my opinion, music offers numerous benefits to individuals"
Explanation: "Offers numerous benefits to individuals" is more formal and precise than "has many benefits to people," and "individuals" is more specific than "people." -
"music connect people with each others" -> "music connects individuals with one another"
Explanation: "Connects individuals with one another" corrects the grammatical error and uses "individuals" for formality and clarity. -
"from other coutries" -> "from other countries"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling error "coutries" to "countries." -
"other race" -> "other races"
Explanation: "Other races" is grammatically correct and more appropriate in this context, as it refers to different ethnic groups. -
"it’s fair and non- discriminatory" -> "it is equitable and non-discriminatory"
Explanation: "Equitable and non-discriminatory" are more precise and formal terms, replacing the colloquial "it’s fair and non- discriminatory." -
"it is support for education" -> "it serves as a support for education"
Explanation: "Serves as a support for education" is grammatically correct and more formal than the original phrase. -
"music talk about history helps students know more about history of their countries" -> "music that discusses history assists students in learning more about their countries’ histories"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the sentence structure and uses more formal vocabulary ("discusses" and "assists"). -
"english song but aslo helps people progress their skill language" -> "English songs also help individuals improve their language skills"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling of "also" and uses "individuals" and "improve their language skills" for formality and clarity. -
"baby can learn spell by cute song and MV" -> "children can learn to spell through catchy songs and music videos"
Explanation: "Children can learn to spell through catchy songs and music videos" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing. -
"It’s very convinient and effect" -> "It is very convenient and effective"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling of "convenient" and "effective," and uses "it is" for grammatical correctness. -
"it’s can call by “ Medicine healing mental heakth”" -> "it is often referred to as a ‘edicine for mental health’"
Explanation: "It is often referred to as a ‘edicine for mental health’" corrects the grammatical errors and uses a more formal expression. -
"marverlous" -> "marvelous"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling error "marverlous" to "marvelous." -
"you are listened to chill song" -> "you listen to calming songs"
Explanation: "You listen to calming songs" corrects the grammatical error and uses more formal language. -
"wonderdul" -> "wonderful"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling error "wonderdul" to "wonderful." -
"I belive" -> "I believe"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling error "belive" to "believe." -
"experss each person’s personality" -> "express each person’s personality"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling error "experss" to "express." -
"music contains the cultural, local, history of people or countries" -> "music encompasses cultural, local, and historical aspects of people and countries"
Explanation: "Encompasses cultural, local, and historical aspects" is more precise and formal, replacing the vague "contains the cultural, local, history." -
"support a lot of cultural promotion" -> "promotes significant cultural development"
Explanation: "Promotes significant cultural development" is more specific and academically appropriate than the vague "support a lot of cultural promotion."
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the question of why we need music by providing several reasons, such as its role in connecting people, supporting education, and aiding mental health. However, the response lacks depth and fails to fully explore these points. For instance, while the idea of music connecting people is mentioned, it is not elaborated upon with specific examples or a clear explanation of how this connection occurs. Additionally, the mention of music in education is vague and lacks concrete examples that would strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, the essay should include more detailed explanations and examples for each point. For instance, when discussing how music connects people, the writer could provide a specific example of a cultural event or a song that has brought people together. Similarly, when mentioning music’s role in education, citing specific educational programs or studies that highlight the benefits of music in learning would enhance the argument.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a general opinion that music has many benefits, but the position is not consistently clear throughout the text. The introduction states that music has benefits, but the lack of a strong thesis statement makes it difficult for the reader to grasp the main argument. Additionally, the conclusion reiterates the benefits without clearly summarizing the main points made in the body paragraphs.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should formulate a strong thesis statement in the introduction that outlines the main points to be discussed. This statement should guide the essay and be referenced in the conclusion to reinforce the argument. Each paragraph should also begin with a clear topic sentence that relates back to the thesis.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to the benefits of music, but these ideas are not well-developed or supported. For example, the point about music as a form of education is mentioned but not extended with examples or explanations of how music aids learning. The use of informal language and grammatical errors further detracts from the clarity and effectiveness of the arguments presented.
- How to improve: To effectively present, elaborate, and substantiate ideas, the writer should aim to provide specific examples and explanations for each point made. This could involve discussing studies that show the impact of music on learning or providing personal anecdotes that illustrate the benefits of music in various contexts. Additionally, improving grammatical accuracy and using more formal language would enhance the overall quality of the essay.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the benefits of music. However, some sentences are convoluted and introduce ideas that are not fully relevant or clear. For instance, the phrase "music talk about history helps students know more about history of their countries easily" is confusing and could lead the reader to question the relevance of this point.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance to the topic, the writer should ensure that each sentence clearly relates to the main argument. Avoiding vague or convoluted phrasing will help clarify the points being made. Additionally, reviewing the essay for coherence and logical flow will help ensure that all ideas contribute to the overall argument about the necessity of music.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear opinion that music has many benefits, but the organization of ideas lacks clarity. The introduction states the topic and opinion, but the subsequent points are not well-structured. For instance, the transition from the first to the second point is abrupt, and the points themselves could be better developed. The use of "Firstly," "Secondly," and "Thirdly" helps indicate a sequence, but the connections between these points are not sufficiently elaborated, making it challenging for the reader to follow the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using more explicit linking phrases between points, such as "In addition to connecting people," or "Furthermore, music serves as a tool for education." Each point should be developed in its own paragraph, with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea, followed by supporting details and examples.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks effective paragraphing. While there are attempts to separate ideas, they are not clearly delineated into distinct paragraphs. For example, the first point about music connecting people is mixed with the second point about education, making it hard to identify where one idea ends and another begins. This can confuse the reader and detracts from the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: Use separate paragraphs for each main idea. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that summarizes the main point, followed by supporting sentences that elaborate on that point. For instance, the first paragraph could focus solely on the social benefits of music, while the second could discuss its educational value.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Secondly," and "In conclusion." However, the range is limited, and some transitions are awkward or incorrect, such as "it’s can call by ‘Medicine healing mental health.’" Additionally, there are grammatical errors that hinder clarity, such as "you feel good more before," which should be rephrased for better understanding.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a variety of linking words and phrases, such as "Moreover," "Additionally," "On the other hand," and "For instance." Ensure that these devices are used correctly in context. Also, pay attention to grammatical accuracy to improve clarity; for example, revise sentences for proper structure and word choice.
By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion. Focus on organizing ideas logically, using distinct paragraphs for each point, and employing a wider range of cohesive devices to enhance the overall clarity and flow of the writing.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a variety of vocabulary related to the topic of music, such as "benefits," "connect," "education," and "healing." However, the range is somewhat limited, and the repetition of phrases like "music has many benefits" detracts from the overall lexical variety. Additionally, phrases like "connect people with each others" and "other coutries, other race, other class" indicate a lack of more sophisticated vocabulary choices.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider incorporating synonyms and more complex expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "benefits," you could use terms like "advantages," "positive impacts," or "contributions." Explore more descriptive adjectives and adverbs to enrich your writing, such as "diverse," "inclusive," or "transformative."
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "music talk about history" which should be "music that discusses history" or "music can progress many people’s aspect," which is vague and could be better articulated as "music can enhance various aspects of people’s lives." The phrase "call by ‘Medicine healing mental health’" is also awkward and unclear.
- How to improve: Focus on clarity and precision in word choice. When discussing the educational benefits of music, you could specify how it aids learning, such as "music enhances cognitive development" or "music facilitates language acquisition." Ensure that phrases are grammatically correct and convey the intended meaning clearly.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "coutries" (countries), "stressted" (stressed), "wonderdul" (wonderful), "effect" (effective), and "belive" (believe). These errors can distract the reader and undermine the overall quality of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy. After completing your essay, take a moment to read through it carefully, looking specifically for spelling errors. Additionally, using spell-check tools or apps can help catch mistakes before submission. Regular practice with vocabulary lists and flashcards can also reinforce correct spelling.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and attempts to use varied vocabulary, there are significant areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By expanding vocabulary, focusing on precise language, and enhancing spelling accuracy, you can elevate your Lexical Resource score in future essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as simple sentences ("In my opinion, music has many benefits to people") and compound sentences ("It’s support for education"). However, the use of complex sentences is limited, which restricts the overall grammatical range. For example, the phrase "music connect people with each others from other coutries" lacks a subject-verb agreement and could be restructured for clarity and complexity.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For instance, instead of saying "music has many benefits," the writer could say, "While music has many benefits, it also serves as a universal language that connects people across different cultures." This not only adds complexity but also improves coherence.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues ("music connect" should be "music connects") and incorrect pluralization ("each others" should be "each other"). Punctuation is also inconsistent; for example, there are missing commas in compound sentences and run-on sentences, such as "So marverlous when you feel stressted and depressed,you are listened to chill song." This affects the readability and clarity of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and pluralization. Regular practice with grammar exercises can help reinforce these concepts. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, especially for compound and complex sentences, will enhance clarity. For example, the sentence could be revised to: "It is so marvelous that when you feel stressed and depressed, listening to a chill song can uplift your mood." This revision corrects the grammatical errors and improves punctuation.
Overall, to achieve a higher band score, the writer should work on diversifying sentence structures and ensuring grammatical accuracy through careful proofreading and practice.
Bài sửa mẫu
**Improved Essay:**
Currently, individuals worldwide engage with various genres of music. In my opinion, music offers numerous benefits to individuals.
Firstly, music connects individuals with one another from other countries, other races, and different social classes. For me, this aspect of music is equitable and non-discriminatory.
Secondly, it serves as a support for education. For example, music that discusses history assists students in learning more about their countries’ histories easily. Additionally, English songs also help individuals improve their language skills. Children can learn to spell through catchy songs and music videos. It is very convenient and effective.
Thirdly, music is often referred to as a “medicine for mental health.” It is marvelous how, when you feel stressed and depressed, listening to calming songs can significantly improve your mood. Definitely, you feel better than before.
In conclusion, music has many wonderful benefits for people. It supports education, enhances people’s emotions, and is non-discriminatory. Furthermore, I believe music can progress many aspects of individuals’ lives, express each person’s personality, and encompass the cultural, local, and historical aspects of people and countries. Thus, it promotes significant cultural development.