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There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than international music heard everywhere nowadays?

There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than international music heard everywhere nowadays?

Nowadays, it is undeniable that various music genres exist in different countries around the world. There are several compelling reasons why music holds a significant place in our daily lives, and both traditional folk music of a country and global music carry equal importance for humanity.

Broadly speaking, there are two primary reasons why we cannot do without music. Firstly, listening to music serves as a recreational activity that can have a positive impact on people’s mental well-being. After long hours of work, individuals often seek leisure activities to alleviate stress, and enjoying music stands out as one of the most effective ways to pursue their interests and enhance their work efficiency. Secondly, music serves as a valuable tool for authors to convey their thoughts to a wide audience. When songwriters compose music, they often embed special messages, such as motivating people to overcome challenges or introducing their country’s culture to a global audience.

In my view, both traditional and international music play vital roles in all aspects of life. Traditional music not only preserves the cultural heritage of a country but also serves as a means to introduce that culture to foreigners. On the other hand, exposure to the global music industry plays a pivotal role in broadening people’s horizons, increasing their knowledge about other parts of the world, and aiding non-native speakers in learning new languages.

In conclusion, there are primarily two compelling reasons why music is indispensable in our lives, and both traditional and global music play essential roles in many countries.

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Errors and Improvements:

  1. “Nowadays, it is undeniable that various music genres exist in different countries around the world.” -> “Currently, it is indisputable that diverse music genres thrive in various countries globally.”
    Explanation: Replacing “Nowadays” with “Currently” and using “indisputable” instead of “undeniable” elevates the formality of the sentence, aligning it more with academic style.
  2. “There are several compelling reasons why music holds a significant place in our daily lives, and both traditional folk music of a country and global music carry equal importance for humanity.” -> “Numerous compelling reasons underscore the significant role of music in our daily lives, with both the traditional folk music of a country and global music holding equal importance for humanity.”
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance the precision and formality of the sentence by using “underscore” instead of “hold,” and by rephrasing for a more concise and structured expression.
  3. “Broadly speaking, there are two primary reasons why we cannot do without music.” -> “In broad terms, two primary reasons elucidate the indispensability of music.”
    Explanation: The suggested changes aim to refine the expression by replacing the colloquial “cannot do without” with the more formal “elucidate the indispensability of.”
  4. “Firstly, listening to music serves as a recreational activity that can have a positive impact on people’s mental well-being.” -> “First, engaging in music serves as a recreational pursuit with a positive impact on individuals’ mental well-being.”
    Explanation: The revision enhances formality by replacing “listening to music” with “engaging in music” and by rephrasing for greater precision.
  5. “After long hours of work, individuals often seek leisure activities to alleviate stress, and enjoying music stands out as one of the most effective ways to pursue their interests and enhance their work efficiency.” -> “Following extended work hours, individuals frequently turn to leisure activities for stress relief, with enjoying music emerging as one of the most effective methods to pursue personal interests and improve work efficiency.”
    Explanation: The suggested changes aim to elevate the formality and clarity of the sentence by using more precise language and restructuring for a smoother flow.
  6. “Secondly, music serves as a valuable tool for authors to convey their thoughts to a wide audience.” -> “Secondly, music functions as a valuable medium for creators to communicate their ideas to a broad audience.”
    Explanation: The revision introduces a more formal term, “medium,” to replace “tool” and emphasizes the role of creators rather than just “authors.”
  7. “When songwriters compose music, they often embed special messages, such as motivating people to overcome challenges or introducing their country’s culture to a global audience.” -> “In the process of composing music, songwriters frequently embed nuanced messages, motivating individuals to surmount challenges or introducing their country’s culture to a global audience.”
    Explanation: The suggested changes aim to enhance precision and formality by replacing “special messages” with “nuanced messages” and rephrasing for a more polished expression.
  8. “In my view, both traditional and international music play vital roles in all aspects of life.” -> “From my perspective, both traditional and international music play pivotal roles across various facets of life.”
    Explanation: The revision maintains the author’s viewpoint while employing more formal language, such as “pivotal roles” instead of “vital roles.”
  9. “Traditional music not only preserves the cultural heritage of a country but also serves as a means to introduce that culture to foreigners.” -> “Traditional music serves not only to preserve the cultural heritage of a country but also as a vehicle for introducing that culture to foreigners.”
    Explanation: The suggested changes aim to refine the expression by using “vehicle” instead of “means” for a more formal tone and structure.
  10. “On the other hand, exposure to the global music industry plays a pivotal role in broadening people’s horizons, increasing their knowledge about other parts of the world, and aiding non-native speakers in learning new languages.” -> “Conversely, engagement with the global music industry plays a pivotal role in expanding individuals’ perspectives, enhancing their understanding of diverse regions, and assisting non-native speakers in acquiring new languages.”
    Explanation: The revision aims to enhance formality and precision by using “conversely” instead of “On the other hand” and restructuring the sentence for a more polished expression.

 

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: “Nowadays, it is undeniable that various music genres exist in different countries around the world. There are several compelling reasons why music holds a significant place in our daily lives, and both traditional folk music of a country and global music carry equal importance for humanity.”
    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The introduction effectively addresses the topic, providing a clear statement about the importance of music and introducing the idea that both traditional and global music are crucial. However, to enhance clarity and engagement, consider briefly outlining the main points that will be discussed in the essay. This will provide the reader with a roadmap of your argument.
    • Improved example: “In the contemporary world, diverse music genres thrive across nations, contributing significantly to our daily experiences. This essay will delve into the multifaceted reasons behind the indispensability of music, highlighting the equal significance of both traditional folk music and global tunes in shaping our cultural landscape.”
  2. Quoted text: “In my view, both traditional and international music play vital roles in all aspects of life. Traditional music not only preserves the cultural heritage of a country but also serves as a means to introduce that culture to foreigners. On the other hand, exposure to the global music industry plays a pivotal role in broadening people’s horizons, increasing their knowledge about other parts of the world, and aiding non-native speakers in learning new languages.”
    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: Your position on the topic is clear, and the ideas are well-developed. However, there is room for improvement in the depth of analysis. For instance, when discussing the role of traditional music, consider providing specific examples or anecdotes that illustrate how it preserves cultural heritage and introduces it to foreigners. Similarly, when discussing the impact of global music, offer concrete examples or personal experiences to support your claims, making your arguments more persuasive.
    • Improved example: “In my perspective, both traditional and international music play indispensable roles in shaping our lives. Traditional music, such as the soulful melodies passed down through generations, not only safeguards a country’s cultural heritage but also becomes a bridge for foreigners to delve into its rich traditions. On the global stage, exposure to diverse music genres fosters a deeper understanding of different cultures. For instance, my fascination with Latin American music not only broadened my musical preferences but also sparked an interest in learning Spanish, showcasing the transformative power of global tunes.”

Overall, the essay addresses the task adequately, but further depth and specificity in supporting examples could elevate the response to a higher band.

 

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score: 8.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a high level of coherence and cohesion, earning it a Band 8 score. It effectively sequences information and ideas logically, allowing for a smooth and natural flow of thoughts. The introduction provides a clear overview of the essay’s structure and the reasons for the importance of music. Each paragraph follows a clear central topic, with well-structured supporting points. Transition words and phrases are used effectively, ensuring that the essay maintains a strong sense of coherence throughout. Additionally, the essay skillfully manages paragraphing, enhancing its overall organization.

How to improve: To potentially reach a Band 9 score, the essay could strive for even more seamless cohesion, ensuring that all aspects of cohesion attract no attention. While the essay is well-organized, there is room for further refinement in terms of using cohesive devices. The essay might explore more varied and sophisticated connectors to strengthen the logical progression of ideas. Additionally, a slightly more diverse vocabulary and sentence structure could enhance the overall quality of the writing. However, it’s important to note that this essay is already at a very high level of coherence and cohesion, and achieving a Band 9 score is quite challenging.

 

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 8

Band Score: 8.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a wide range of vocabulary with generally natural and sophisticated control of lexical features. There is an effective use of varied vocabulary throughout the essay, contributing to an overall richness of expression. The writer successfully conveys precise meanings, utilizing less common lexical items with skill. Although there are occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, they do not significantly hinder communication. The essay maintains fluency and flexibility in expressing ideas, contributing to the overall coherence of the response.

How to improve:
To enhance the Lexical Resource score further, the writer could focus on refining word choice and collocation to reduce occasional inaccuracies. Additionally, ensuring a more consistent level of sophistication in vocabulary usage would contribute to a more refined expression. Paying attention to the nuances of word meaning and context, especially in areas where errors were noted, will further elevate the lexical quality of the essay. Overall, continued exposure to diverse vocabulary and careful attention to precision in word choice will strengthen the Lexical Resource in future writing endeavors.

 

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score: 8.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a wide range of sentence structures, showcasing flexibility and accuracy. The majority of sentences are error-free, with only very occasional errors or inappropriacies. The use of vocabulary and grammar is proficient, contributing to a smooth and coherent expression of ideas. The essay effectively addresses the essay prompt, providing well-developed arguments and examples.

How to improve: While the essay is strong, occasional improvements can be made by ensuring that all sentences maintain the same high level of accuracy and complexity. Careful proofreading can help eliminate any remaining minor errors or inappropriacies, further enhancing the overall quality of the essay. Additionally, varying the sentence structures even more could add an extra layer of sophistication to the writing.

 

Bài sửa mẫu

In today’s world, it is undeniable that various music genres exist in different countries around the globe. There are several compelling reasons why music holds a significant place in our daily lives, and both the traditional folk music of a country and global music carry equal importance for humanity.

Broadly speaking, there are two primary reasons why we cannot do without music. Firstly, listening to music serves as a recreational activity that can have a positive impact on people’s mental well-being. After long hours of work, individuals often seek leisure activities to alleviate stress, and enjoying music stands out as one of the most effective ways to pursue their interests and enhance their work efficiency. Secondly, music serves as a valuable tool for authors to convey their thoughts to a wide audience. When songwriters compose music, they often embed special messages, such as motivating people to overcome challenges or introducing their country’s culture to a global audience.

In my view, both traditional and international music play vital roles in all aspects of life. Traditional music not only preserves the cultural heritage of a country but also serves as a means to introduce that culture to foreigners. On the other hand, exposure to the global music industry plays a pivotal role in broadening people’s horizons, increasing their knowledge about other parts of the world, and aiding non-native speakers in learning new languages.

In conclusion, there are primarily two compelling reasons why music is indispensable in our lives, and both traditional and global music play essential roles in many countries.

 

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