There are more workers who work from home and more students who study from home. This is because computer technology is more and more easily accessible and cheaper. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?
Nowadays, the development of computer technology plays a crucial role in society due to easily connecting, convenient and costly. Thus, it leads to a trend that residents including adults and juveniles give preference to work and study at home. From my perspective, this phenomenon can have the ability to bring back a breakthrough for the development of human’s life.
On the one hand, it is clear that workers can take the advantages from this phenomenon in terms of addressing several job barriers. To be more specific, in many countries the percentage of jobless people still as a large-scale issue because of an unbalance between employees and job demands. Thus, the popular of internet makes a significant impact in terms of creating more jobs for a number of humans that becomes a chance for unemployment individuals. For instance, in recent years the figure of online-working Vietnamese citizens has experienced an upward trend that contribute significantly to the growth of economic in this country. Besides that, working from home also make an opportunity for not only workers but also companies because companies can hire people far from their location and also save their budgets.
On the other hand, there are several benefits that online learning brings back for teenagers. To be more precise, almost time the demand for studying always keeps an important role in society. However, in several places, especially are downtowns, people are lack of chance to study because it is difficult for local residents to overcome many barriers such as school fees, study spaces, … Therefore, the appearance of Internet makes an opportunity for juveniles to easily access to online lessons that children can have the ability to study everywhere. Not only downtown teenagers but urban students also take an opportunity from this development in terms of easily finding knowledge, accessing advanced online courses ,… For example, the ratio of children who are capable of reading and writing in India have improved significantly on account of studying at home.
In conclusion, it is undeniable that the development of Internet creates a shift lifestyle for modern people in the positive ways. Despite the rising of drawbacks from Internet, I still believe that there are many advantages results from the development of computer technology which contributes significantly to the growth of society.
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Errors and Improvements:
"Nowadays, the development of computer technology plays a crucial role in society due to easily connecting, convenient and costly." -> "Currently, the advancement of computer technology plays a pivotal role in society due to its ease of connectivity, convenience, and cost-effectiveness."
Explanation: Replacing "Nowadays" with "Currently" imparts a more formal tone. The phrase "easily connecting" is vague and informal; replacing it with "ease of connectivity" maintains clarity and formality. Additionally, "costly" may be misleading; substituting it with "cost-effectiveness" enhances precision.
"Thus, it leads to a trend that residents including adults and juveniles give preference to work and study at home." -> "Consequently, this has led to a trend wherein residents, including adults and juveniles, prefer to work and study from home."
Explanation: The use of "Thus" is replaced with "Consequently" for a smoother transition. The phrase "it leads to a trend that" is modified for clarity and conciseness. The inclusion of "from home" instead of "at home" is more accurate in the context of work and study settings.
"From my perspective, this phenomenon can have the ability to bring back a breakthrough for the development of human’s life." -> "In my view, this phenomenon has the potential to usher in a breakthrough for the advancement of human life."
Explanation: "From my perspective" is simplified to "In my view" for a more formal expression. "Can have the ability to" is condensed to "has the potential to," making the statement more concise and academically appropriate.
"On the one hand, it is clear that workers can take the advantages from this phenomenon in terms of addressing several job barriers." -> "On one hand, it is evident that workers can benefit from this phenomenon in terms of overcoming various job-related challenges."
Explanation: The phrase "take the advantages from" is replaced with "benefit from" for clarity and formality. "Addressing several job barriers" is modified to "overcoming various job-related challenges" for a more specific and nuanced expression.
"To be more specific, in many countries the percentage of jobless people still as a large-scale issue because of an unbalance between employees and job demands." -> "To be more specific, in many countries, the percentage of unemployed individuals remains a large-scale issue due to an imbalance between the supply of employees and job demands."
Explanation: "Jobless people still as a large-scale issue" is refined to "unemployed individuals remain a large-scale issue" for grammatical correctness. "Because of an unbalance between" is replaced with "due to an imbalance between" for a more formal and precise explanation.
These changes enhance the overall academic tone and clarity of the essay.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both aspects of the prompt, discussing the positive and negative aspects of more people working and studying from home. It mentions the advantages for workers and students and presents a clear stance.
- How to improve: The essay could provide a more detailed exploration of the negative aspects to achieve a more balanced discussion. Ensure that all points made directly relate to the prompt.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay consistently maintains a positive stance, asserting that the development of computer technology is beneficial despite potential drawbacks.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, consider acknowledging potential drawbacks in a more nuanced way, perhaps by acknowledging some challenges but ultimately emphasizing the positive impact.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks depth in elaboration. For instance, while discussing the advantages for workers and students, more specific examples and evidence could be provided.
- How to improve: Extend each point with detailed examples, statistics, or real-life scenarios to add depth and credibility to the arguments.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic, discussing the positive impacts of computer technology on work and study from home. However, some sentences are less directly related to the main points.
- How to improve: Ensure that every sentence contributes directly to the discussion of the positive or negative aspects of working and studying from home. Eliminate tangential details that do not directly support the main arguments.
The essay effectively addresses the prompt, discussing both the positive and negative aspects of more people working and studying from home. To improve, it should provide a more balanced exploration of the negative aspects, acknowledge potential drawbacks in a nuanced way, and ensure all points made directly relate to the prompt. Additionally, the essay would benefit from extending ideas with more specific examples and maintaining a tighter focus on the main topic throughout.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically. It begins with an introduction that introduces the topic and expresses the author’s viewpoint. Each paragraph is dedicated to a specific aspect of the topic, with clear topic sentences. The essay maintains a logical flow from discussing advantages for workers to benefits for students, concluding with a concise summary. However, there are instances where sentence structures could be more complex for a smoother transition between ideas.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, work on creating more complex sentence structures for smoother transitions between ideas. Ensure that each paragraph follows a clear topic sentence, and consider refining the flow between paragraphs to make the essay even more cohesive.
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. However, some paragraphs could be more balanced in terms of development, and certain ideas could be expanded to provide a more thorough analysis.
- How to improve: Consider balancing the development of ideas within paragraphs, providing more elaboration where needed. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear focus and that ideas are adequately explored and supported with examples or evidence.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a range of cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases (e.g., "On the one hand," "On the other hand," "In conclusion"). These devices contribute to the overall coherence of the essay. However, there’s room for improvement in the variety of cohesive devices used, and some could be more effectively integrated for a smoother connection between ideas.
- How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices by incorporating a broader range of linking words and transitions. Additionally, focus on integrating these devices more seamlessly to create a smoother and more cohesive flow between sentences and paragraphs.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, earning a Band Score of 7. To enhance the score further, work on refining sentence structures, balancing paragraph development, and incorporating a more diverse range of cohesive devices for improved connectivity between ideas.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While some words and phrases are used effectively, there is room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary further. For instance, the repeated use of phrases like "to be more specific" and "to be more precise" could be replaced with alternative expressions to enhance variety.
- How to improve: To elevate the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms, idiomatic expressions, or varied word choices. For instance, instead of repeatedly using the phrase "to be more specific," explore alternatives such as "to elaborate" or "to clarify" to add diversity to your language.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary effectively to convey ideas. However, there are instances where the choice of words could be more precise. For example, in the introduction, the phrase "due to easily connecting, convenient, and costly" could benefit from more precise terms, as the use of "costly" may not accurately convey the intended meaning.
- How to improve: Focus on choosing words that precisely convey the intended meaning. Instead of "costly," consider using a more specific term such as "affordable" or "accessible" based on the intended message. Pay attention to nuances in meaning to ensure that the chosen words accurately represent your ideas.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a reasonable level of spelling accuracy. However, there are noticeable spelling errors, such as "unbalance" (unbalance should be spelled as "imbalance") and "the popular of internet" (should be "popularity of the internet"). These errors, while not pervasive, impact the overall impression of language proficiency.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider proofreading the essay more thoroughly, paying specific attention to common spelling mistakes. Additionally, leveraging spell-check tools can be beneficial in catching and correcting errors. Developing a habit of revisiting and revising written work will contribute to improved spelling accuracy over time.
In summary, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of lexical resource, but there is room for improvement in expanding vocabulary range, choosing words more precisely, and enhancing spelling accuracy. By incorporating varied vocabulary and meticulous proofreading, the essay can achieve a higher level of lexical proficiency.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. It includes simple and compound sentences, but there is room for improvement in the variety and complexity of sentence structures. For instance, there is a reliance on straightforward sentence constructions, and the essay lacks more sophisticated structures such as complex and compound-complex sentences.
- How to improve: To enhance the band score in this criterion, the writer should aim for a more diverse array of sentence structures. Introduce complex sentences with subordinate clauses to add depth and sophistication to the writing. Utilizing varied sentence lengths and structures can create a more engaging and polished essay.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are notable instances of grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For example, in the sentence "Nowadays, the development of computer technology plays a crucial role in society due to easily connecting, convenient and costly," the phrase "due to easily connecting" lacks clarity and proper grammatical structure. Additionally, there are instances of missing articles and inconsistent verb tense usage.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully review sentence structures, paying attention to subject-verb agreement, article usage, and verb tense consistency. Proofreading the essay can help identify and correct these errors. Additionally, for punctuation, the writer should focus on proper comma usage and ensure that each sentence is clear and grammatically correct.
In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates proficiency in grammatical range and accuracy, there is room for improvement. Enhancing the variety of sentence structures and addressing specific grammatical and punctuation issues will contribute to a more refined and higher-scoring essay.
Bài sửa mẫu
In today’s world, the evolution of computer technology plays a vital role in society due to its easy connectivity, convenience, and cost-effectiveness. Consequently, a growing number of individuals, both adults and juveniles, are inclined towards working and studying from the comfort of their homes. From my perspective, this trend has the potential to be a breakthrough for the progress of human life.
On one hand, it is evident that workers can benefit from this phenomenon in overcoming various job-related challenges. To be more specific, in many countries, the issue of unemployment persists on a large scale due to an imbalance between the supply of employees and job demands. The popularity of the internet has a significant impact, creating job opportunities for many individuals facing unemployment. For instance, the recent surge in Vietnamese citizens engaging in online work has made a substantial contribution to the economic growth of the country. Additionally, working from home presents an opportunity not only for individual workers but also for companies, allowing them to hire people regardless of their geographical location and save on operational costs.
On the other hand, online learning offers several benefits for teenagers. To be more precise, the demand for education always holds a crucial role in society. However, in certain places, particularly in downtown areas, people face barriers such as school fees and limited study spaces, making it challenging for them to pursue education. The advent of the internet provides an opportunity for young individuals to easily access online lessons, enabling them to study from anywhere. This development is not limited to downtown teenagers; urban students also benefit by easily acquiring knowledge and accessing advanced online courses. For example, the literacy rates among children in India have shown significant improvement as a result of studying at home.
In conclusion, it is undeniable that the internet’s development has brought about a positive shift in the lifestyle of modern people. Despite the potential drawbacks, I firmly believe that the numerous advantages stemming from computer technology contribute significantly to societal growth.