fbpx

There goes a saying ‘Pressure makes diamonds’. Some argue that exerting intense pressure on students can have tremendous benefits while others claim that such pressure is ineffective and can give rise to various undesirable issues on students.

There goes a saying 'Pressure makes diamonds'. Some argue that exerting intense pressure on students can have tremendous benefits while others claim that such pressure is ineffective and can give rise to various undesirable issues on students.

While one school of thought holds that pressurizing students can be beneficial, others claim that such pressure can exert demtrimental impacts on students, engendering unwanted outcomes. This essay will examine both viewpoints before arguing for a balanced approach, where both pressure and support are venerated.

On the one hand, it is understandable why some advocate imposing considerable pressure on students. The primary reason is that this approach can incentivize hard work. Students, with their inquiring mind, are often distracted from their studies, leading to middling scores and deteriorated academic performance. However, with the aid of these tensions, students can be more aware of their learning, paving the way for improved academic performance and by extension, increased employability. What’s more, tensions can help students hone their interpersonal skills, such as discipline, self-study, among others. These skills are indeed essential for their lives later on. For example, children may be nudged towards partaking in extracurricular activities after school. This encouragement can foster better communication skills, helping them further excel in life.

On the other hand, pressure on students is not without its setbacks. Students, after experiencing prolonged and intense pressure, may suffer from psychological issues such as depression and in worse-case scenarios, suicidal ideation, negatively affecting children mentally. A case of a 17-year-old boy in Vietnam perfectly exemplifies this situation. He, being pressurized and received extended tensions from his father, resorted to suicide to escape from all his sufferings. This serves as a testament to how dangerous pressure on students can be. Worst still, pressurized students can also suffer from certain health problems such as extended exhaustion or migraine, ultimately affecting their studies. This can render the initial intention of pressure on students futile.

In light of the aforementioned considerations, I believe that pressure, coupled with genuine concern, would engender the most fruitful results. While pressure can encourage better learning outcomes and improved career prospects, support can ease the burden placed on children and relieve their pent-up frustration and stress during their learning journey. This two-pronged approach can go a long way towards educating well-rounded students and a more educated workforce in the future.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "pressurizing" -> "imposing pressure on"
    Explanation: "Pressurizing" is informal and lacks precision. Replacing it with "imposing pressure on" maintains formality and clarity.

  2. "demtrimental" -> "detrimental"
    Explanation: "Demtrimental" is a misspelling. "Detrimental" is the correct term, maintaining formal language and avoiding errors.

  3. "engendering" -> "resulting in"
    Explanation: While "engendering" is not incorrect, "resulting in" is more commonly used in academic writing, ensuring clarity and formality.

  4. "before" -> "prior to"
    Explanation: "Before" is appropriate, but "prior to" is more formal and academically precise.

  5. "venerated" -> "valued"
    Explanation: "Venerated" is overly formal and may not align with the intended meaning. "Valued" maintains formality while expressing the idea more naturally.

  6. "middleing" -> "average"
    Explanation: "Middleing" is not a standard term. "Average" is more appropriate and aligns with formal language.

  7. "tensions" -> "pressure"
    Explanation: "Tensions" is less specific than "pressure" and may cause confusion. "Pressure" is clearer and maintains academic formality.

  8. "by extension" -> "consequently"
    Explanation: "By extension" is slightly informal. "Consequently" is more academically appropriate and maintains the flow of the sentence.

  9. "aid of these tensions" -> "application of pressure"
    Explanation: "Aid of these tensions" is vague. "Application of pressure" is clearer and aligns with formal language.

  10. "nudged" -> "encouraged"
    Explanation: "Nudged" is colloquial. "Encouraged" is more formal and appropriate in academic writing.

  11. "excel" -> "succeed"
    Explanation: "Excel" is informal. "Succeed" maintains formality and clarity.

  12. "not without its setbacks" -> "has its drawbacks"
    Explanation: "Not without its setbacks" is slightly informal. "Has its drawbacks" is more formal and concise.

  13. "after experiencing prolonged and intense pressure" -> "following prolonged and intense pressure"
    Explanation: "After experiencing" is slightly informal. "Following" is more appropriate in academic writing.

  14. "worse-case" -> "worst-case"
    Explanation: "Worse-case" is a misspelling. "Worst-case" is the correct term, maintaining formal language and avoiding errors.

  15. "psychological issues such as depression" -> "psychological issues, including depression"
    Explanation: Adding "including depression" clarifies the types of psychological issues discussed and maintains formality.

  16. "suicidal ideation" -> "thoughts of suicide"
    Explanation: "Suicidal ideation" is more clinical. "Thoughts of suicide" is clearer and more easily understood.

  17. "a testament to how dangerous pressure" -> "evidence of the dangers of pressure"
    Explanation: "A testament to" is slightly informal. "Evidence of" is more appropriate in academic writing.

  18. "Worst still" -> "Worse still"
    Explanation: "Worst still" is a misspelling. "Worse still" is the correct term, maintaining formality and avoiding errors.

  19. "pressurized" -> "under pressure"
    Explanation: "Pressurized" is less formal. "Under pressure" maintains formality and clarity.

  20. "render the initial intention of pressure on students futile" -> "make the initial aim of pressuring students futile"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality while avoiding ambiguity.

  21. "In light of the aforementioned considerations" -> "Considering the aforementioned points"
    Explanation: The suggested alternative is more concise while maintaining formality and clarity.

  22. "engender" -> "generate"
    Explanation: "Engender" is slightly formal. "Generate" is a clearer and more commonly used term in academic writing.

  23. "fruitful results" -> "positive outcomes"
    Explanation: "Fruitful results" is slightly informal. "Positive outcomes" is more formal and precise.

  24. "two-pronged approach" -> "dual approach"
    Explanation: "Two-pronged approach" is informal. "Dual approach" is more concise and formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both sides of the argument presented in the prompt. It acknowledges the potential benefits of pressuring students while also recognizing the negative consequences. The writer concludes by advocating for a balanced approach that combines pressure with support.
    • How to improve: To enhance the comprehensiveness of the response, consider providing more specific examples or evidence to illustrate the effects of pressure on students. Additionally, ensure that each point made directly relates to the prompt to avoid any tangential discussions.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance that leans towards advocating for a balanced approach incorporating both pressure and support. This position is evident from the introduction to the conclusion, providing consistency in the argument.
    • How to improve: Strengthen the clarity of the position by explicitly stating it in the thesis statement. Additionally, reinforce the position throughout the body paragraphs by directly connecting supporting points to the overarching stance.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas on both sides of the argument and extends them with relevant examples. For instance, it discusses how pressure can improve academic performance but also highlights the negative psychological and health effects it can have on students. These ideas are supported with the example of the Vietnamese student’s suicide and the mention of potential health issues.
    • How to improve: To further develop ideas, provide deeper analysis and explore the implications of each argument in more detail. Additionally, incorporate a wider range of evidence, such as statistics or research findings, to strengthen the validity of the claims made.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic by addressing the central theme of whether pressure on students is beneficial or detrimental. However, there are some minor deviations, such as discussing the importance of interpersonal skills without directly tying them back to the effects of pressure.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that all points made directly relate to the impact of pressure on students as outlined in the prompt. Avoid introducing tangential topics that distract from the main argument.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents a clear argument, there is room for improvement in providing more specific examples, reinforcing the clarity of the position, deepening the analysis of ideas, and maintaining strict relevance to the topic. By implementing these suggestions, the essay could enhance its coherence and persuasiveness, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear organizational structure, with a coherent introduction, body paragraphs presenting opposing viewpoints, and a conclusion that synthesizes the arguments presented. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic, progressing logically from one point to the next. For example, the essay starts by introducing the two opposing views on pressuring students, then delves into the benefits and drawbacks of pressuring students in separate paragraphs before concluding with a balanced perspective.
    • How to improve: While the overall organization is effective, ensuring a smoother transition between paragraphs could enhance coherence. Using transition phrases or sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can help guide the reader through the essay more seamlessly. Additionally, explicitly signaling the shift between discussing the advantages and disadvantages of pressuring students could further improve the clarity of the essay’s structure.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively utilizes paragraphs to separate different ideas and arguments, contributing to the overall clarity and coherence of the essay. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic and maintains a clear topic sentence to guide the reader. For instance, the essay begins with an introductory paragraph that sets up the discussion, followed by body paragraphs that explore the benefits and drawbacks of pressuring students, and concludes with a concluding paragraph summarizing the key points.
    • How to improve: While the essay’s paragraphing is generally sound, ensuring that each paragraph maintains a clear focus on a single idea or argument can further improve readability. Additionally, varying the length and structure of paragraphs can add visual interest and help maintain the reader’s engagement throughout the essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and ensure coherence throughout the essay. These devices include transition words and phrases (e.g., "on the one hand," "on the other hand," "in light of," "however"), pronouns (e.g., "this approach," "these tensions"), and repetition of key terms (e.g., "pressure," "students"). These cohesive devices help to establish logical relationships between sentences and paragraphs, enhancing the overall coherence of the essay.
    • How to improve: To further enhance cohesion, consider incorporating a wider range of cohesive devices and using them more consistently throughout the essay. Additionally, paying attention to the placement of cohesive devices within sentences and paragraphs can help ensure that connections between ideas are clear and explicit. Finally, avoiding over-reliance on certain cohesive devices and diversifying their usage can prevent repetition and monotony in the essay’s structure.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, incorporating terms such as "pressurizing," "detrimental impacts," "incentivize," "middling scores," "paving the way," "extracurricular activities," "suffer from," "suicidal ideation," "futile," and "well-rounded." These words contribute to a nuanced discussion of the topic and showcase the writer’s lexical diversity.
    • How to improve: While the essay already exhibits a strong vocabulary range, enhancing it further can be achieved by incorporating more specialized terms or idiomatic expressions where appropriate. Additionally, using synonyms or variations of already used vocabulary can enrich the essay’s lexical variety without compromising clarity.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally utilizes vocabulary precisely, effectively conveying the intended meanings. For instance, phrases like "exert demtrimental impacts," "nudged towards," and "extended exhaustion" accurately communicate the writer’s ideas. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise. For example, "pressurizing" could be replaced with "applying intense pressure," which adds clarity and specificity to the expression.
    • How to improve: To further enhance precision, the writer should strive to use vocabulary that precisely captures the intended nuances of meaning. This can be achieved through careful consideration of word choice in context and consulting resources like a thesaurus to find the most suitable terms.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally correct spelling throughout, with minor errors such as "demtrimental" (should be "detrimental") and "futile" (correct spelling). While these errors do not significantly impede understanding, attention to spelling accuracy can enhance the professionalism and credibility of the writing.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should consider utilizing spell-checking tools and proofreading carefully before submitting the final essay. Additionally, actively learning and memorizing commonly misspelled words can contribute to better spelling proficiency over time.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. It employs complex structures such as conditional sentences ("While one school of thought holds that…"), parallel structures ("pressure and support are venerated"), and subordinate clauses ("This serves as a testament to how dangerous pressure on students can be"). These structures contribute to coherence and sophistication in the essay.
    • How to improve: While the essay showcases a good range of structures, there is still room for further diversification. Incorporating more advanced sentence types like inverted sentences, participial phrases, or appositive constructions can add even more depth to the writing, enhancing its overall complexity and clarity.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few instances where minor grammatical errors and punctuation issues occur. For example, "exert demtrimental impacts" should be "exert detrimental impacts," and "partaking in extracurricular activities after school" could be improved to "participating in extracurricular activities after school." Additionally, there are some punctuation errors, such as missing commas before introductory phrases ("On the other hand," "Worst still,") and inconsistent comma usage in compound sentences.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it’s essential to review sentence structure and ensure agreement between subjects and verbs, as well as consistency in tense usage throughout the essay. Regarding punctuation, paying attention to comma usage in complex sentences and using punctuation marks appropriately to aid clarity and flow will refine the writing further. A thorough proofreading session focusing on these areas can help eliminate these minor errors and polish the essay to a higher standard.

Bài sửa mẫu

While one school of thought holds that pressurizing students can be beneficial, others claim that such pressure can have detrimental impacts on students, resulting in undesirable outcomes. This essay will examine both viewpoints before arguing for a balanced approach, where both pressure and support are valued.

On the one hand, it is understandable why some advocate imposing pressure on students. The primary reason is that this approach can incentivize hard work. Students, with their inquiring minds, are often distracted from their studies, leading to average scores and deteriorated academic performance. However, with the application of pressure, students can become more aware of their learning, paving the way for improved academic performance and, consequently, increased employability. What’s more, pressure can help students hone their interpersonal skills, such as discipline and self-study. These skills are indeed essential for their lives later on. For example, children may be encouraged to participate in extracurricular activities after school. This encouragement can foster better communication skills, helping them succeed further in life.

On the other hand, pressure on students has its drawbacks. Students, following prolonged and intense pressure, may suffer from psychological issues, including depression and thoughts of suicide, negatively affecting them mentally. A case of a 17-year-old boy in Vietnam perfectly exemplifies this situation. He, under pressure and experiencing extended tensions from his father, resorted to suicide to escape from all his sufferings. This serves as evidence of the dangers of pressure on students. Worse still, students under pressure can also suffer from certain health problems such as extended exhaustion or migraines, ultimately affecting their studies. This can make the initial aim of pressuring students futile.

Considering the aforementioned points, I believe that a dual approach, combining pressure with genuine concern, would generate the most positive outcomes. While pressure can encourage better learning outcomes and improved career prospects, support can ease the burden placed on children and relieve their pent-up frustration and stress during their learning journey. This dual approach can go a long way towards educating well-rounded students and fostering a more educated workforce in the future.

Bài viết liên quan

Phản hồi

Email của bạn sẽ không được hiển thị công khai. Các trường bắt buộc được đánh dấu *

IELTS Writify

Chấm IELTS Writing Free x GPT

Lưu ý

Sắp bảo trì server

Để đảm bảo tính ổn định của web, web sẽ thực hiện backup dữ liệu hàng ngày từ 3h-3h30 sáng

Rất mong quý thầy cô và học viên thông cảm vì bất tiện này