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There have been many inventions in human history, such as the wheel. Some people think the most important thing is the internet. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

There have been many inventions in human history, such as the wheel. Some people think the most important thing is the internet. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Over billions of years, mankind has witnessed many breakthroughs in all fields of life. Among them, many people believe that the internet is the most important invention ever. Personally, I believe that the internet has fundamentally changed people's lives, but it is not the most essential invention in human history.
On the one hand, I can understand why some people think the internet is the greatest achievement. Firstly, it could be said that the internet has created globalization, which connects people from every corner of the world. This also contributes significantly to the development of a country as they can seize opportunities to attract investment, sign free trade agreements or boost tourism. Additionally, the internet also gives residents a chance to keep themselves up-to-date as thousands of news can easily spread across social media. The internet also facilitates people to broaden their horizons as they can find any knowledge about the particular field that they are interested in just in a blink of an eye. Thus, they do not have to read thousands of books to answer their inquiries.
On the other hand, I do not believe that this is the greatest success in human history. Throughout history, there are several inventions that changed the world. For example, the creation of steam machines in 1776 by James Watt marked the industrial revolution, which was the main factor that drove the development of many countries such as the UK, France and so on. Furthermore, the inventions of many types of vaccines have cured billions of lives on Earth. And even more, robots were created and directly changed people’s lives. It can help us do a lot of things and just nearly integrate in all aspects of lives, reducing workload and the amount of chores. Some scientists even say that robots may invade the world some day in the future as well. Last but not least, the greatest inventions may be in finding ways to prevent global warming and climate change, finding new sources of energy that are sustainable and even finding ways to live on other planets such as Mars.
In conclusion, there are many essential inventions that changed the world. The internet is just one among that and I believe that there are other creations that are much greater.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Over billions of years, mankind has witnessed many breakthroughs in all fields of life." -> "Throughout billions of years, humanity has observed numerous breakthroughs across various domains of life."
    Explanation: Replacing "Over billions of years" with "Throughout billions of years" maintains a formal tone and provides a more precise expression of the time span.

  2. "Among them, many people believe that the internet is the most important invention ever." -> "Among these achievements, a considerable number of individuals assert that the internet stands as the most paramount invention in history."
    Explanation: The revision introduces more formal language by replacing "them" with "these achievements" and enhances precision by using "paramount" instead of "important."

  3. "Personally, I believe that the internet has fundamentally changed people’s lives, but it is not the most essential invention in human history." -> "Personally, I acknowledge the profound impact of the internet on people’s lives; however, I contend that it does not hold the status of the most essential invention in human history."
    Explanation: The revised sentence maintains a formal tone by replacing "I believe" with "I acknowledge" and introduces a more sophisticated structure for expressing the author’s viewpoint.

  4. "On the one hand, I can understand why some people think the internet is the greatest achievement." -> "On one hand, I comprehend the perspective of those who consider the internet to be the paramount achievement."
    Explanation: Removing "the" before "greatest achievement" and simplifying the sentence structure contribute to a more formal and streamlined expression.

  5. "Firstly, it could be said that the internet has created globalization, which connects people from every corner of the world." -> "Firstly, it can be argued that the internet has facilitated globalization, fostering connections among individuals from every corner of the world."
    Explanation: The revision replaces the colloquial "it could be said" with the more formal "it can be argued" and provides a more precise description of the internet’s role in globalization.

  6. "Additionally, the internet also gives residents a chance to keep themselves up-to-date as thousands of news can easily spread across social media." -> "Moreover, the internet provides individuals with the opportunity to stay abreast of current events, as a plethora of news disseminates easily through social media."
    Explanation: The phrase "keep themselves up-to-date" is replaced with the more formal "stay abreast of current events," and unnecessary repetition is eliminated for a more concise expression.

  7. "Thus, they do not have to read thousands of books to answer their inquiries." -> "Thus, individuals are relieved from the necessity of delving into thousands of books to address their inquiries."
    Explanation: The revision replaces the informal "do not have to" with the more formal "are relieved from the necessity" and enhances the formality of the sentence.

  8. "On the other hand, I do not believe that this is the greatest success in human history." -> "Contrastingly, I do not subscribe to the notion that this constitutes the pinnacle of success in human history."
    Explanation: The phrase "On the other hand" is replaced with "Contrastingly" for variety, and the more formal "constitutes the pinnacle of success" replaces "is the greatest success."

  9. "Throughout history, there are several inventions that changed the world." -> "Throughout history, numerous inventions have profoundly altered the course of the world."
    Explanation: The revision replaces "there are several" with "numerous inventions have," providing a more dynamic and formal expression.

  10. "For example, the creation of steam machines in 1776 by James Watt marked the industrial revolution, which was the main factor that drove the development of many countries such as the UK, France and so on." -> "As an illustration, James Watt’s creation of steam engines in 1776 marked the onset of the industrial revolution—a pivotal factor propelling the development of numerous countries, including the UK and France."
    Explanation: The revision adds specificity to the example, replaces informal "which was the main factor that drove" with a more formal structure, and eliminates the casual "and so on" for a more precise expression.

  11. "Furthermore, the inventions of many types of vaccines have cured billions of lives on Earth." -> "Furthermore, the development of various vaccines has saved billions of lives on Earth."
    Explanation: The revision replaces "inventions of many types of vaccines" with "development of various vaccines" for conciseness and uses a more precise term, "saved," instead of "cured."

  12. "And even more, robots were created and directly changed people’s lives." -> "Moreover, the creation of robots has directly transformed people’s lives."
    Explanation: The revision replaces the informal "And even more" with the more formal "Moreover" and simplifies the structure for clarity.

  13. "It can help us do a lot of things and just nearly integrate in all aspects of lives, reducing workload and the amount of chores." -> "They can assist in various tasks and seamlessly integrate into various aspects of our lives, thereby reducing workloads and minimizing the burden of chores."
    Explanation: The revision replaces the informal "It can help us do a lot of things" with the more formal "They can assist in various tasks," and introduces a more formal and structured description of the benefits of robots.

  14. "Some scientists even say that robots may invade the world some day in the future as well." -> "Certain scientists posit that, at some point in the future, robots may exert a profound influence on the world."
    Explanation: The revision replaces the informal "Some scientists even say" with the more formal "Certain scientists posit," and provides a more precise expression of the idea.

  15. "Last but not least, the greatest inventions may be in finding ways to prevent global warming and climate change, finding new sources of energy that are sustainable and even finding ways to live on other planets such as Mars." -> "Finally, the most significant innovations may lie in the pursuit of solutions to mitigate global warming and climate change, exploring sustainable sources of energy, and devising means to inhabit other planets, such as Mars."
    Explanation: The revision introduces formality by replacing "Last but not least" with "Finally" and provides a more structured and comprehensive list of innovations related to global challenges.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument. It acknowledges the importance of the internet but ultimately argues that it is not the most essential invention in human history. Relevant examples are provided to support this perspective.
    • How to improve: While the essay does address all parts of the question, it could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the opposing viewpoint. The introduction could be strengthened by clearly stating the writer’s position on the importance of the internet.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, arguing that the internet is not the most essential invention in human history. This stance is consistently supported with examples and reasoning.
    • How to improve: The clarity of the position is strong, but the essay could enhance coherence by using transitional phrases to guide the reader through different sections and arguments.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas about the internet’s importance and extends these with examples. Examples include globalization, news dissemination, and knowledge acquisition. However, the development and support of ideas could be more balanced and evenly distributed across paragraphs.
    • How to improve: To improve, ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and is adequately developed with examples and explanations. The essay could benefit from more depth in discussing other inventions.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the importance of the internet and contrasting it with other significant inventions. However, there is a brief mention of robots potentially invading the world, which could be considered a slight deviation from the main topic.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, avoid introducing tangential ideas. Stick to discussing inventions and their importance to human history without delving into speculative scenarios.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and effectively presents a clear position with supporting examples, there are areas for improvement in acknowledging opposing views, enhancing coherence, balancing idea development, and avoiding minor deviations from the main topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably logical organization of information. The introduction sets the stage by acknowledging the significance of inventions and presenting the stance on the internet. Body paragraphs follow a clear structure, discussing reasons supporting the internet’s importance and presenting counterarguments. The conclusion effectively summarizes the key points. However, there is room for improvement in the organization within paragraphs, particularly in the second body paragraph where ideas about vaccines, robots, and global warming are somewhat loosely connected.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider ensuring a smoother transition between ideas within paragraphs. Connect sentences more explicitly to maintain a clear flow of thought. Additionally, use topic sentences to guide the reader through the main point of each paragraph.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to organize ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, contributing to the overall coherence. However, the second body paragraph, which discusses various inventions throughout history, could benefit from a clearer structure. The shift from vaccines to robots to global warming feels abrupt and could be refined for better paragraph cohesion.
    • How to improve: Refine the structure of the second body paragraph by creating a more natural transition between ideas. Consider grouping related inventions or providing a sentence that acts as a bridge between the different examples to ensure a smoother paragraph flow.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a satisfactory range of cohesive devices. Linking words such as "on the one hand," "on the other hand," and "in conclusion" contribute to coherence. However, there is an opportunity to enhance the use of cohesive devices within sentences, especially in the second body paragraph, where the shift from vaccines to robots lacks a clear connection.
    • How to improve: Increase the use of cohesive devices within sentences to create a more seamless flow of ideas. For instance, use words like "furthermore," "moreover," or "however" to better connect sentences and maintain a cohesive narrative.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, with specific areas identified for improvement within paragraph organization and the use of cohesive devices. Refining these aspects will contribute to a more polished and cohesive essay structure.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied vocabulary, such as "breakthroughs," "globalization," "horizons," and "inquiries." However, there is room for improvement, as certain terms and phrases are repeated, like "changed the world" and "greatest invention."
    • How to improve: To enhance your score, diversify your vocabulary further. Instead of repeatedly using general phrases, consider exploring more specific and nuanced expressions. For instance, use synonyms for "changed the world" to add depth to your writing.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally uses vocabulary with precision, as seen in the mention of the industrial revolution and the impact of vaccines. However, there are instances where the language is somewhat imprecise, such as referring to the internet as the "greatest success in human history" without qualifying the context.
    • How to improve: Aim for greater precision by carefully choosing words that precisely convey your intended meaning. For example, specify the aspects in which the internet has succeeded and provide specific examples to bolster your argument.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally good throughout the essay. However, there are minor errors, such as "thousands of years" instead of "billions of years," and a missing "s" in "types of vaccines."
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, pay close attention to details and proofread your work. Consider reviewing specific areas where errors occurred, such as numbers and plurals, to avoid similar mistakes in the future.

Overall, your essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary, but refining and expanding your word choices will contribute to a more sophisticated and varied language use. Additionally, maintaining precision and ensuring meticulous spelling will enhance the overall quality of your writing. Keep practicing to further develop your lexical skills.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. Simple, compound, and complex sentences are used effectively to convey ideas. For instance, the essay employs complex sentences such as, "Additionally, the internet also gives residents a chance to keep themselves up-to-date as thousands of news can easily spread across social media," showcasing an ability to handle diverse structures.
    • How to improve: To enhance variety further, consider incorporating more compound-complex sentences. Experiment with sentence lengths for a more engaging rhythm. For example, in the introductory paragraph, where the sentence structure is predominantly simple, adding a complex sentence would contribute to a smoother flow.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The overall grammar and punctuation accuracy is commendable. However, there are some instances where sentence structures could be refined for clarity. For instance, the sentence "On the one hand, I can understand why some people think the internet is the greatest achievement" might benefit from a clearer link to the following sentences to enhance coherence.
    • How to improve: Focus on sentence clarity, ensuring that each sentence logically connects to the preceding one. In the aforementioned example, consider explicitly stating the reasons why people consider the internet the greatest achievement immediately after introducing the idea.

The essay effectively employs a wide range of structures, showcasing an ability to handle complex sentence constructions. The grammatical and punctuation accuracy is generally strong, with room for improvement in enhancing coherence through clearer sentence connections.

Bài sửa mẫu

Over countless millennia, humanity has witnessed myriad breakthroughs across diverse realms of existence. Among these accomplishments, a considerable number of individuals assert that the internet stands as the most paramount invention in history. Personally, I acknowledge the profound impact of the internet on people’s lives; however, I contend that it does not hold the status of the most essential invention in human history.

On one hand, I comprehend the perspective of those who consider the internet to be the paramount achievement. Firstly, it can be argued that the internet has facilitated globalization, fostering connections among individuals from every corner of the world. This also contributes significantly to the development of a country, as opportunities arise to attract investment, sign free trade agreements, or boost tourism. Moreover, the internet provides individuals with the opportunity to stay abreast of current events, as a plethora of news disseminates easily through social media. Thus, individuals are relieved from the necessity of delving into thousands of books to address their inquiries. The internet also empowers people to broaden their horizons, accessing knowledge about specific fields of interest in the blink of an eye.

Contrastingly, I do not subscribe to the notion that this constitutes the pinnacle of success in human history. Throughout history, numerous inventions have profoundly altered the course of the world. As an illustration, James Watt’s creation of steam engines in 1776 marked the onset of the industrial revolution—a pivotal factor propelling the development of numerous countries, including the UK and France. Furthermore, the development of various vaccines has saved billions of lives on Earth. Moreover, the creation of robots has directly transformed people’s lives. They can assist in various tasks and seamlessly integrate into various aspects of our lives, thereby reducing workloads and minimizing the burden of chores. Certain scientists posit that, at some point in the future, robots may exert a profound influence on the world. Finally, the most significant innovations may lie in the pursuit of solutions to mitigate global warming and climate change, exploring sustainable sources of energy, and devising means to inhabit other planets, such as Mars.

In conclusion, while the internet has undeniably brought about significant changes in the world, I believe that there are other inventions throughout history that hold even greater importance in shaping the course of humanity.

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