There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabusso that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabusso that children can concentrate on academic work.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In today’s society, overpopulation is fostering an intensely competitive labor market, incurring pressures for the young over this decade. In this context, the contentious debate over whether it is reasonable to exclude non-academic activities to force children to solely focus on academic ones has intensified, with some advocating for perspective to make children improve academically, while others are concerned about the mental health and orientation of youngsters. In spite of being fully aware both sides have their compelling merits, I concur with the disagreement of removing those subjects.
Students nowadays have been studied enough by the intense lectures in school; moreover, a significant number of them have to attend extra classes outside of school hours. It means that extra space for more academic subjects is redundant for them. In contrast, an enormous amount of academic tasks results in notable stress, which possibly causes mental issues such as anxiety disorders, depression, and social phobia. Therefore, they need some relief from other activities to soothe their stress. Physical activities turn out to be suitable, with the ability to make them comfortable and unwind after a stressful day. Moreover, according to some scientific research, outside exercises can enhance people’s stress endurance, making it much more crucial for students with anxiety.
On the other hand, physical subjects not only make students relieved but also let them discover more about themselves. It is worth noting that students nowadays lack of time budget to participate in novel fields to determine their strengths and weaknesses. Extracurricular activities come as a savior for pupils to attend in some fields that they have never experienced, aligning them to grasp more insight about themselves. Thus, it may be crucial for some who are uncertain about choosing their career path. For example, by participating in the finance department in an event, students can gain some knowledge in connecting with agencies and bargaining with the cooperators.
To conclude, excluding non-academic subjects in terms of academic ones is redundant in this day and age. On the other hand, physical and outside activities are crucial for students to relax and discover themselves as well.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"over this decade" -> "in this decade"
Explanation: The phrase "over this decade" is somewhat informal and vague. "In this decade" is more precise and commonly used in academic writing to refer to the current period of time. -
"force children to solely focus on academic ones" -> "compel children to focus exclusively on academic subjects"
Explanation: "Academic ones" is an awkward and informal expression. "Academic subjects" is more formal and precise, and "compel" is a stronger, more academic verb than "force." -
"perspective to make children improve academically" -> "approach to enhance academic performance"
Explanation: "Perspective to make children improve academically" is awkward and unclear. "Approach to enhance academic performance" is clearer and more formal. -
"the disagreement of removing those subjects" -> "the opposition to eliminating these subjects"
Explanation: "The disagreement of removing those subjects" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "The opposition to eliminating these subjects" is grammatically correct and more formal. -
"Students nowadays have been studied enough by the intense lectures in school" -> "Students are already adequately prepared by the rigorous academic programs in school"
Explanation: "Have been studied enough" is incorrect and unclear. "Are already adequately prepared" is grammatically correct and more precise. -
"extra space for more academic subjects is redundant" -> "additional academic subjects are unnecessary"
Explanation: "Extra space for more academic subjects is redundant" is awkward and unclear. "Additional academic subjects are unnecessary" is more direct and formal. -
"an enormous amount of academic tasks results in notable stress" -> "a significant amount of academic tasks leads to considerable stress"
Explanation: "Enormous" is somewhat informal and imprecise in this context. "Significant" is more appropriate for academic writing, and "leads to" is a more formal verb choice than "results in." -
"Physical activities turn out to be suitable" -> "Physical activities prove to be suitable"
Explanation: "Turn out to be" is less formal and slightly vague. "Prove to be" is more assertive and academically suitable. -
"outside exercises" -> "outdoor activities"
Explanation: "Outside exercises" is informal and unclear. "Outdoor activities" is more precise and commonly used in academic contexts. -
"lack of time budget" -> "limited time resources"
Explanation: "Lack of time budget" is an unusual and unclear phrase. "Limited time resources" is a more standard and clear expression. -
"come as a savior" -> "serve as a solution"
Explanation: "Come as a savior" is overly dramatic and informal. "Serve as a solution" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing. -
"aligning them to grasp more insight about themselves" -> "enabling them to gain greater insight into themselves"
Explanation: "Aligning them to grasp more insight about themselves" is awkward and unclear. "Enabling them to gain greater insight into themselves" is clearer and more formal. -
"by participating in the finance department in an event" -> "by participating in finance-related activities at an event"
Explanation: "In the finance department in an event" is unclear and awkward. "Finance-related activities at an event" is clearer and more specific. -
"connecting with agencies and bargaining with the cooperators" -> "interacting with organizations and negotiating with partners"
Explanation: "Connecting with agencies and bargaining with the cooperators" is informal and unclear. "Interacting with organizations and negotiating with partners" is more formal and precise.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the pressures faced by young people and the debate surrounding the removal of non-academic subjects. The writer clearly states their position against the removal of these subjects, which is a positive aspect. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the opposing viewpoint. While the introduction mentions both sides, the discussion leans heavily towards the argument against removal without adequately presenting the rationale for why some might support it. This lack of balance can weaken the overall argument.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should dedicate a paragraph to outlining the arguments in favor of removing non-academic subjects. This would demonstrate a more comprehensive understanding of the topic and allow for a more nuanced discussion. Including specific examples of how non-academic subjects contribute to overall student development would also strengthen the argument.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against the removal of non-academic subjects, which is commendable. However, the phrasing in some parts can lead to confusion. For instance, the phrase "I concur with the disagreement" is somewhat convoluted and could be simplified for clarity. The conclusion reiterates the main argument but could be more emphatic in restating the importance of non-academic subjects.
- How to improve: The writer should aim for clearer and more direct language when stating their position. Simplifying phrases and ensuring that the position is unmistakably clear throughout the essay will help maintain consistency. Additionally, reinforcing the position in the conclusion with a strong statement about the value of non-academic subjects would enhance clarity.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to the benefits of non-academic subjects, such as stress relief and self-discovery. However, some points lack sufficient development. For example, the mention of scientific research on stress endurance is a strong point, but it would benefit from a citation or a more detailed explanation of the research findings. Additionally, the example regarding finance and career paths is relevant but could be expanded to illustrate the broader implications of non-academic subjects on students’ futures.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should provide more detailed explanations and examples to support their claims. Incorporating specific studies or statistics can lend credibility to the arguments. Furthermore, elaborating on how non-academic subjects can influence career choices or personal development would provide a more robust discussion.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the debate over non-academic subjects. However, there are moments where the connection to the main argument could be clearer. For instance, the discussion about mental health is relevant, but the transition between ideas could be smoother to maintain a cohesive flow. Additionally, the mention of "finance department in an event" feels somewhat tangential and could be better tied back to the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph clearly relates back to the central thesis. Using topic sentences that explicitly connect back to the main argument can help guide the reader. Additionally, ensuring that all examples directly support the thesis will enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear position, it would benefit from more balanced arguments, clearer language, better-supported ideas, and improved coherence throughout.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively sets the context and presents the writer’s stance. The body paragraphs are organized around distinct ideas: the first paragraph discusses the stress caused by academic pressure, while the second highlights the benefits of non-academic subjects. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing stress to the benefits of physical activities feels abrupt and could benefit from a clearer linking sentence.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas between paragraphs. For example, at the end of the first body paragraph, a sentence like "While academic pressure is significant, engaging in non-academic subjects can provide essential relief" would create a smoother transition to the next point.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids readability. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, which is a strength. However, the second body paragraph could be further divided into two separate paragraphs: one focusing on the benefits of physical education and the other on the importance of extracurricular activities. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each point and improve clarity.
- How to improve: Consider breaking down complex ideas into separate paragraphs. For instance, after discussing the mental health benefits of physical education, a new paragraph could be introduced to discuss how extracurricular activities help students discover their strengths. This separation would enhance the overall clarity and organization of the essay.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "moreover," "on the other hand," and "for example," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited. The essay could benefit from a broader variety of linking words and phrases to enhance cohesion. For instance, the phrase "it is worth noting" is effective, but similar phrases could be used to introduce contrasting ideas or additional points.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a mix of conjunctions, adverbs, and phrases that indicate contrast, addition, or cause and effect. For example, using phrases like "in addition," "conversely," or "as a result" can help clarify relationships between ideas and improve the overall flow of the essay. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriately and do not disrupt the natural flow of the writing.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion, implementing these suggestions can help achieve a higher level of clarity and organization, potentially leading to an improved band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with terms like "intensely competitive labor market," "contentious debate," and "mental health and orientation" showcasing the writer’s ability to use varied language. However, some phrases, such as "lack of time budget," could be expressed more naturally as "lack of time" or "limited time." Additionally, the term "savior" in the context of extracurricular activities feels somewhat informal and may not fit the academic tone of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer could incorporate more synonyms and academic phrases. For instance, instead of "make them comfortable," they might say "provide them with a sense of comfort." Furthermore, using more sophisticated connectors and transitional phrases could improve the flow and coherence of ideas.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "the disagreement of removing those subjects," which could be more clearly stated as "my disagreement with the removal of those subjects." Additionally, the phrase "students nowadays lack of time budget" is awkward and imprecise, as "lack" should not be followed by "of" in this context.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and correctness in phrasing. For example, revising "students nowadays lack of time budget" to "students today often struggle to find time" would enhance clarity. Regularly reviewing vocabulary in context and practicing paraphrasing could help in achieving more precise language use.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good level of spelling accuracy overall, with only minor errors. However, there is a typographical error in "syllabusso," which should be corrected to "syllabus so." Additionally, "cooperators" is an uncommon term in this context; "partners" or "collaborators" would be more appropriate.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, focusing on common spelling pitfalls and ensuring that words are correctly spaced. Utilizing spell-check tools and engaging in regular writing practice can also help reinforce correct spelling habits.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary with some effective expressions, there are areas for improvement in precision, range, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these aspects, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and some compound structures. For instance, the use of phrases like "In spite of being fully aware both sides have their compelling merits" showcases an attempt at complexity. However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and unclear structures, such as "the contentious debate over whether it is reasonable to exclude non-academic activities to force children to solely focus on academic ones," which can confuse readers due to its length and complexity.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should practice using a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences more effectively. Breaking down overly complex sentences into clearer, more concise statements can improve readability. Additionally, incorporating varied sentence beginnings and using transitional phrases can help in creating a more dynamic flow.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a reasonable level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from the overall clarity. For example, phrases like "have been studied enough by the intense lectures" should be revised to "have been subjected to intense lectures." There are also punctuation issues, such as missing commas in compound sentences, which can lead to run-on sentences. The phrase "lack of time budget" is awkward and should be rephrased for clarity.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. Practicing sentence restructuring can also help clarify meaning. For punctuation, reviewing rules for comma usage in complex sentences and ensuring that clauses are properly separated will enhance clarity. Regular proofreading and reading aloud can help identify awkward constructions and punctuation errors.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents a clear argument, focusing on these areas of grammatical range and accuracy will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
In today’s society, overpopulation is fostering an intensely competitive labor market, incurring pressures for the young in this decade. In this context, the contentious debate over whether it is reasonable to exclude non-academic activities to compel children to focus exclusively on academic subjects has intensified, with some advocating for this perspective to enhance academic performance, while others are concerned about the mental health and orientation of youngsters. In spite of being fully aware that both sides have their compelling merits, I concur with the opposition to eliminating these subjects.
Students nowadays have been studied enough by the intense lectures in school; moreover, a significant number of them have to attend extra classes outside of school hours. This means that additional academic subjects are unnecessary for them. In contrast, a significant amount of academic tasks leads to considerable stress, which possibly causes mental issues such as anxiety disorders, depression, and social phobia. Therefore, they need some relief from other activities to soothe their stress. Physical activities prove to be suitable, enabling them to gain greater insight into themselves and unwind after a stressful day. Moreover, according to some scientific research, outdoor activities can enhance people’s stress endurance, making them much more crucial for students with anxiety.
On the other hand, physical subjects not only relieve students but also allow them to discover more about themselves. It is worth noting that students nowadays have limited time resources to participate in novel fields to determine their strengths and weaknesses. Extracurricular activities serve as a solution for pupils to engage in some fields that they have never experienced, helping them grasp more insight about themselves. Thus, it may be crucial for some who are uncertain about choosing their career path. For example, by participating in finance-related activities at an event, students can gain knowledge by interacting with organizations and negotiating with partners.
To conclude, excluding non-academic subjects in favor of academic ones is unnecessary in this day and age. On the other hand, physical and outdoor activities are crucial for students to relax and discover themselves as well.
