These days, more and more students spend their leisure time on part-time employment. Is it negative or positive development?

In the current social and culture milieu, students are becoming more and more devoted their time in working for part time jobs. Even though this trend brings about various benefits for them, it poses potential threats to both their physical and mental health. In this essay, rationale and evidence will prove that part-time employment do more goods than bads.

To initiate, part time job is a wonderful resource to provide students with financial support which help to cover the tuition fee and other pricy living expenses. Moreover, when the students find a job matching perfectly or partially to their major, they can gain in valuable hands-on experience for future profession which is hardly pertained through theoretical lectures at their universities. Tor illustrate this point, a part-time sales logistic collaboration position should be taken into consideration. Despite sitting on the university chair reciting and memorizing all the incoterms and related regulations for importing and exporting products, a student can apply all the things they acquired from schools to seek for potential customers with specific and matching criteria, to deal with real challenges in processing the data, proceeding the related legal documents. All these experiences contribute to the development of not only their expertise but also essential skills in working place. Money and experience are not merely the values of part time jobs to student. Creating a social relationship holds a steady reason why students choose to follow this trend. They can make connections to a wide range of classes in the society which paves the way for the future career. This network is promised to be far more broad and beneficial compared to the one in universities only.
In spite of these advantages, students may be vulnerable to certain physical problem and mental distress due to lack of relaxation and ill time management skill. When students spend their whole leisure time in working, their body may lack the refreshment and replenishment, causing a burden on their physical well-being. Certain type of jobs like waiter or builder also drives them to certain injuries which may have leads to chronic diseases. There mental ability may be negatively impacted due to stressful workload both from universities and working place. Students without preparation and management skills may suffer great distress from working a part time job.
To sum up, being a part time job employee might be a big challenge to students at first, but with careful preparation and self management, they will gain profound achievements during the working time.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In the current social and culture milieu" -> "In the current social and cultural environment"
Explanation: "milieu" is typically used to describe a specific environment or atmosphere, whereas "environment" is more appropriate for describing the broader context of society and culture.
"students are becoming more and more devoted their time in working for part time jobs" -> "students are increasingly devoting their time to part-time jobs"
Explanation: "devoted their time in working for part time jobs" is awkward and grammatically incorrect. "Increasingly devoting their time to part-time jobs" corrects the grammar and enhances the flow.
"part-time employment do more goods than bads" -> "part-time employment offers more benefits than drawbacks"
Explanation: "do more goods than bads" is an informal and incorrect idiom. "Offers more benefits than drawbacks" is a precise and formal alternative.
"part time job is a wonderful resource" -> "part-time employment is a valuable resource"
Explanation: "wonderful" is too informal and subjective for academic writing. "Valuable" is more objective and suitable for formal contexts.
"which help to cover the tuition fee and other pricy living expenses" -> "which helps to cover tuition fees and other expensive living expenses"
Explanation: "pricy" is not a standard term; "expensive" is the correct adjective. Also, "tuition fee" should be pluralized to "tuition fees" for grammatical accuracy.
"Tor illustrate this point" -> "To illustrate this point"
Explanation: "Tor" is a typographical error; "To" is the correct preposition.
"sitting on the university chair reciting and memorizing" -> "sitting in lectures reciting and memorizing"
Explanation: "sitting on the university chair" is awkward and unclear. "Sitting in lectures" is more precise and contextually appropriate.
"seek for potential customers with specific and matching criteria" -> "seek out potential customers with specific and matching criteria"
Explanation: "seek for" is grammatically incorrect; "seek out" is the correct phrase.
"proceeding the related legal documents" -> "processing the related legal documents"
Explanation: "proceeding" is incorrect in this context; "processing" is the correct verb for handling documents.
"Money and experience are not merely the values of part time jobs to student" -> "Money and experience are not merely the benefits of part-time jobs for students"
Explanation: "values" is incorrect; "benefits" is the correct term for advantages. Also, "to student" should be "for students" for grammatical correctness.
"Creating a social relationship holds a steady reason why students choose to follow this trend" -> "Establishing social relationships provides a significant reason why students choose to follow this trend"
Explanation: "Creating a social relationship" is vague; "Establishing social relationships" is more precise and formal. "Holds a steady reason" is awkward; "Provides a significant reason" is clearer and more formal.
"vulnerable to certain physical problem and mental distress" -> "vulnerable to certain physical problems and mental distress"
Explanation: "problem" should be pluralized to "problems" for grammatical accuracy.
"lack of relaxation and ill time management skill" -> "lack of relaxation and poor time management skills"
Explanation: "ill time management skill" is incorrect; "poor time management skills" is the correct phrase.
"drives them to certain injuries which may have leads to chronic diseases" -> "exposes them to certain injuries that may lead to chronic diseases"
Explanation: "drives them to" is incorrect; "exposes them to" is the correct phrase. Also, "may have leads" is grammatically incorrect; "may lead" is the correct form.
"There mental ability may be negatively impacted" -> "Their mental abilities may be negatively impacted"
Explanation: "There" is incorrect; "Their" is the correct possessive pronoun. "Ability" should be pluralized to "abilities" for consistency.
"working a part time job" -> "working a part-time job"
Explanation: "part time" should be hyphenated as "part-time" for consistency with the rest of the essay.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument regarding part-time employment for students, discussing its benefits (financial support, hands-on experience, networking) and drawbacks (physical and mental health issues). However, the analysis of the negative aspects is less developed compared to the positive aspects, which could lead to an unbalanced view. The essay mentions potential threats but does not fully explore or substantiate them with examples or evidence.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay could include more detailed examples and evidence regarding the negative impacts of part-time work. For instance, discussing specific studies or statistics on student health issues related to part-time jobs would provide a more balanced perspective. Additionally, the conclusion could summarize both sides more effectively, reinforcing the complexity of the issue.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that part-time employment is generally beneficial for students, as indicated by phrases like "do more goods than bads." However, the position could be more consistently reinforced throughout the essay. The transition from discussing benefits to drawbacks is somewhat abrupt, which may confuse readers about the author’s ultimate stance.
- How to improve: To maintain a clearer position, the author could use transitional phrases that explicitly connect the benefits and drawbacks, such as "While there are significant advantages, it is also important to consider the potential downsides." This would help to guide the reader through the argument more smoothly and reinforce the overall position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as financial support and networking, and provides some extension through examples. However, the support for these ideas is sometimes lacking in depth. For example, the mention of "real challenges in processing the data" is vague and does not clearly illustrate how the experience translates into skills or knowledge.
- How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the author should aim to provide more specific examples and elaborate on how these experiences directly benefit students. For instance, detailing how networking can lead to job opportunities or how specific skills learned in part-time jobs can be applied in future careers would enhance the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the implications of part-time employment for students. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly focused. For instance, the section on physical and mental health issues could benefit from a clearer connection to how these issues relate specifically to the context of part-time work.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that each point directly relates back to the prompt. This can be achieved by explicitly linking the discussion of health issues to the demands of part-time jobs and how they might interfere with students’ academic responsibilities. Additionally, avoiding overly broad statements and instead focusing on specific impacts would help keep the essay tightly aligned with the topic.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, it would benefit from a more balanced exploration of both sides, clearer transitions, deeper support for ideas, and tighter focus on the prompt.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of part-time employment, and a conclusion. The ideas are generally sequenced logically, with the first body paragraph focusing on the benefits and the second addressing the drawbacks. However, some transitions between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing financial benefits to hands-on experience could be more explicitly connected to enhance the logical flow.
- How to improve: To improve logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences that outline the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, employing transitional phrases such as "Furthermore," "In addition," or "On the other hand" can help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs appropriately, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the topic. However, the second body paragraph could be divided into two separate paragraphs: one focusing on physical health issues and the other on mental health concerns. This would allow for a more in-depth discussion of each point and improve readability.
- How to improve: To enhance paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph contains a single main idea supported by relevant examples. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence, and consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones to avoid overwhelming the reader. For example, separating the discussion of physical and mental health issues into distinct paragraphs would clarify the argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Moreover," "In spite of," and "To sum up," which help in linking ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be strengthened. For example, the phrase "This network is promised to be far more broad and beneficial compared to the one in universities only" could be better linked to the previous sentence to enhance coherence.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "Additionally," "Consequently," or "Conversely" to create more nuanced connections between ideas. Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned concepts, which can help to create a smoother flow of ideas.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion, focusing on the suggestions above will help to elevate the clarity and effectiveness of the writing, potentially improving the band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "financial support," "hands-on experience," and "social relationship." However, there are instances where the vocabulary used is somewhat repetitive or lacks variety, such as the frequent use of "part-time job" and "students." The phrase "do more goods than bads" is also awkward and could be expressed more naturally.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, the writer could incorporate synonyms or related phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly saying "part-time job," alternatives like "part-time employment," "temporary work," or "flexible job" could be used. Additionally, varying sentence structures and using more complex vocabulary would contribute to a richer lexical resource.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, "do more goods than bads" is grammatically incorrect and unclear; it should be "do more good than harm." The phrase "certain type of jobs like waiter or builder" lacks parallel structure and should be "certain types of jobs, such as waiters or builders." Furthermore, "the development of not only their expertise but also essential skills in working place" should be "in the workplace."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on grammatical accuracy and clarity. It would be beneficial to proofread for errors and ensure that phrases are structured correctly. Using a thesaurus to find more precise terms can also help clarify meaning. For example, instead of "vulnerable to certain physical problem," it could be rephrased as "susceptible to various physical issues."
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "culture milieu" (should be "cultural milieu"), "help to cover" (should be "helps to cover"), "to seek for potential customers" (should be "to seek potential customers"), and "leads to chronic diseases" (should be "led to chronic diseases"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should practice proofreading their work carefully. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help identify mistakes. Additionally, maintaining a list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them regularly can aid in improving spelling skills.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a commendable effort in vocabulary usage, there are clear areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By incorporating a broader vocabulary, ensuring grammatical accuracy, and focusing on spelling, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. For example, the writer uses complex sentences such as “Even though this trend brings about various benefits for them, it poses potential threats to both their physical and mental health.” However, there is a noticeable reliance on simpler structures, particularly in the second paragraph where phrases like “part time job is a wonderful resource” and “money and experience are not merely the values” appear. This limits the overall complexity and variety of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more varied sentence types, including compound-complex sentences. For instance, combining shorter sentences into more complex ones can add sophistication. Additionally, using introductory clauses or phrases can help diversify the sentence openings. Practicing sentence transformation exercises can also be beneficial.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from clarity. For example, “students are becoming more and more devoted their time in working for part time jobs” should be corrected to “students are becoming more and more devoted to spending their time working in part-time jobs.” Additionally, there are instances of subject-verb agreement errors, such as “part-time employment do more goods than bads” where “do” should be “does.” Punctuation errors, such as missing commas, can also be found, particularly in complex sentences where clauses are joined.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles (e.g., “a part-time job” instead of “part time job”). Regular grammar exercises, particularly those focused on common errors, can help. For punctuation, reviewing rules regarding comma usage in complex sentences and practicing with punctuation exercises can enhance clarity. Reading more academic writing can also provide insight into correct grammatical structures and punctuation usage.

Overall, while the essay presents a clear argument and relevant points, addressing the identified weaknesses in grammatical range and accuracy will significantly enhance the quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the current social and cultural milieu, students are becoming more and more devoted to their time working in part-time jobs. Even though this trend brings about various benefits for them, it poses potential threats to both their physical and mental health. In this essay, rationale and evidence will prove that part-time employment does more good than harm.

To initiate, a part-time job is a wonderful resource to provide students with financial support, which helps to cover tuition fees and other expensive living expenses. Moreover, when students find a job that matches perfectly or partially with their major, they can gain valuable hands-on experience for their future profession, which is hardly obtained through theoretical lectures at their universities. To illustrate this point, a part-time sales logistics collaboration position should be taken into consideration. Despite sitting in university lectures reciting and memorizing all the incoterms and related regulations for importing and exporting products, a student can apply all the things they have acquired from school to seek out potential customers with specific and matching criteria, and deal with real challenges in processing the data and handling the related legal documents. All these experiences contribute to the development of not only their expertise but also essential skills in the workplace. Money and experience are not merely the benefits of part-time jobs for students. Establishing social relationships provides a significant reason why students choose to follow this trend. They can make connections across a wide range of classes in society, which paves the way for their future careers. This network is promised to be far broader and more beneficial compared to the one in universities alone.

In spite of these advantages, students may be vulnerable to certain physical problems and mental distress due to a lack of relaxation and poor time management skills. When students spend their whole leisure time working, their bodies may lack the refreshment and replenishment needed, causing a burden on their physical well-being. Certain types of jobs, like waiting tables or construction work, also expose them to certain injuries that may lead to chronic diseases. Their mental abilities may be negatively impacted due to the stressful workload from both universities and the workplace. Students without preparation and management skills may suffer great distress from working a part-time job.

To sum up, being a part-time employee might be a big challenge for students at first, but with careful preparation and self-management, they can achieve profound success during their working time.