These days, more fathers stay at home and take care of their children while mothers go out to work. What could be the reasons for this? Is it a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
These days, more fathers stay at home and take care of their children while mothers go out to work.
What could be the reasons for this? Is it a positive or negative development?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
In contemporary society, more and more mothers choose to stay at home look after their offspring while their male counterparts go out to work. This essay will discuss some advantages and disadvantages about the stated phenomenon. There are advantages. In fact, it helps to have a number of dependants it can make mothers feel freedom and responsibility behind that. They see that the position is a double that other limit in the kitchen and they don’t need to depend on the income of their husbands, have only income. Besides, female family, for example, they are not required to ask for money when they need to buy something. This modern society tends to take care of the matters in a proper way. Furthermore, Chairman Nguyen Thi Kim Ngan, a 1971 Vietnam’s leader, said that she has had opportunity to dedicate her entire life to contribute to the development of Vietnam. She is an example showing that the higher the contribution we can progress, the higher women can do it.
However, it also has some drawbacks. Firstly, women also have to depend on this situation because of the fathers stay at home they play an important role about only can have free time. Furthermore, it can affect on their health because they have to cover a lot of burden. Additionally, men can feel pessimistic when they not have work and depend on their wives. Moreover, it can make the conflict about the ability of work when only wife go out to make money. In conclusion, I think that justice of family need to be equal and the financial depend on only men, their private income to people can have and confident when they contribute their dedication for social progress.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
-
"more and more mothers choose to stay at home look after their offspring" -> "an increasing number of mothers opt to remain at home to care for their children"
Explanation: "Opt to remain at home to care for their children" is more formal and precise than "choose to stay at home look after their offspring," which is somewhat informal and vague. -
"This essay will discuss some advantages and disadvantages about the stated phenomenon." -> "This essay will explore both the advantages and disadvantages of this phenomenon."
Explanation: "Explore" is a more academic term than "discuss," and "both the advantages and disadvantages of this phenomenon" is more precise and formal than "some advantages and disadvantages about the stated phenomenon." -
"it helps to have a number of dependants it can make mothers feel freedom and responsibility behind that" -> "this arrangement provides mothers with a sense of freedom and responsibility"
Explanation: The original sentence is awkward and unclear. The suggested revision clarifies the meaning and improves readability and formality. -
"the position is a double that other limit in the kitchen" -> "this arrangement offers a double benefit in the home"
Explanation: The original phrase is unclear and grammatically incorrect. The suggested revision clarifies the meaning and corrects the grammar. -
"they don’t need to depend on the income of their husbands, have only income" -> "they do not rely solely on their husbands’ income"
Explanation: "Do not rely solely on" is more precise and formal than "don’t need to depend on," and it avoids the awkward construction "have only income." -
"female family" -> "families with female heads"
Explanation: "Families with female heads" is a more precise and formal way to refer to households where the primary caregiver is a woman. -
"This modern society tends to take care of the matters in a proper way" -> "Contemporary society generally handles these matters effectively"
Explanation: "Handles these matters effectively" is more specific and formal than "take care of the matters in a proper way," which is vague and informal. -
"Chairman Nguyen Thi Kim Ngan, a 1971 Vietnam’s leader" -> "Chairwoman Nguyen Thi Kim Ngan, a 1971 Vietnamese leader"
Explanation: "Chairwoman" is the correct title for a female leader, and "Vietnamese" is the correct adjective form to describe the nationality. -
"has had opportunity to dedicate her entire life" -> "has had the opportunity to dedicate her entire life"
Explanation: Adding "the" before "opportunity" corrects the grammatical error and improves the sentence structure. -
"the higher the contribution we can progress, the higher women can do it" -> "the greater the contribution, the more women can achieve"
Explanation: "The greater the contribution, the more women can achieve" is grammatically correct and more formal than the original, which is awkward and unclear. -
"women also have to depend on this situation because of the fathers stay at home" -> "women also rely on this arrangement because their fathers stay at home"
Explanation: "Rely on this arrangement" is more precise and formal than "have to depend on this situation," and "their fathers stay at home" corrects the possessive error. -
"they play an important role about only can have free time" -> "they play a crucial role, allowing them to have more free time"
Explanation: "A crucial role, allowing them to have more free time" is grammatically correct and clearer than the original, which is awkward and unclear. -
"it can affect on their health" -> "it can affect their health"
Explanation: "Affect on" is grammatically incorrect; "affect their health" is the correct form. -
"they not have work and depend on their wives" -> "they have no work and rely on their wives"
Explanation: "Have no work and rely on their wives" corrects the grammatical error and improves the clarity of the sentence. -
"it can make the conflict about the ability of work when only wife go out to make money" -> "this can lead to conflicts over work capabilities when only the wife goes out to earn a living"
Explanation: "This can lead to conflicts over work capabilities when only the wife goes out to earn a living" is grammatically correct and more formal than the original, which is awkward and unclear. -
"justice of family need to be equal" -> "family justice needs to be equitable"
Explanation: "Family justice needs to be equitable" is grammatically correct and uses a more formal term than "justice of family."
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Task Response: 5
-
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both parts of the question by discussing the reasons behind the phenomenon of more fathers staying at home and evaluating whether it is a positive or negative development. However, the response lacks depth and clarity in exploring these aspects. The reasons provided are vague and somewhat disorganized, and the advantages and disadvantages are not clearly articulated or supported with relevant examples.
- How to improve: To better answer all parts of the question, ensure that each part is addressed with specific details and clear explanations. Clearly separate the reasons for the phenomenon from the evaluation of whether it is positive or negative. Use relevant examples and evidence to support your points. Structure your essay with distinct paragraphs for each part of the question: one for reasons and one for evaluating the impact.
-
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay does not maintain a clear and consistent position throughout. The discussion of advantages and disadvantages is somewhat muddled, and the final conclusion is vague and does not clearly address the overall stance on whether the development is positive or negative. The essay ends with a somewhat confusing statement about justice and financial dependence.
- How to improve: To present a clear position, explicitly state your stance in the introduction and ensure that every paragraph supports this position. Summarize your viewpoint in the conclusion clearly, reiterating whether you believe the development is positive or negative, and provide a clear rationale for your stance.
-
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but does not extend or support them effectively. The discussion is often unclear and lacks detail. For example, the mention of “dependants” and “freedom” is not explained in context, and the reference to Chairman Nguyen Thi Kim Ngan is unrelated and does not support the argument effectively. The points made are brief and lack depth.
- How to improve: Develop your ideas more thoroughly by explaining them in detail and providing relevant examples or evidence. Each idea should be elaborated upon with reasons and examples to support your argument. Avoid unrelated or unsupported references and focus on relevant examples that directly contribute to your points.
-
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally deviates from the topic. For instance, the mention of Chairman Nguyen Thi Kim Ngan is off-topic and does not contribute to the discussion about fathers staying at home. Additionally, some parts of the essay, such as the impact on health and the mention of pessimism, are not clearly connected to the central question.
- How to improve: Ensure that every paragraph and sentence directly relates to the topic and contributes to answering the prompt. Avoid introducing unrelated information and focus on discussing the reasons for the phenomenon and its implications. Keep the content relevant to the prompt by revisiting the question as you write and checking if your points address it directly.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 9
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 9
-
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay’s organization is somewhat inconsistent. The introduction lacks clarity and coherence regarding the essay’s objectives. The discussion of advantages and disadvantages is scattered, with points not clearly linked to one another. For instance, the paragraph about the benefits of women staying home is disorganized, mixing general statements with specific examples poorly.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and follows a structured pattern. Introduce each point systematically and ensure all ideas are logically connected. Consider using clearer transitions between advantages and disadvantages.
-
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: Paragraphs in the essay are not effectively used. The advantages and disadvantages are jumbled together, causing confusion. Additionally, there are some grammatical issues and unclear ideas within paragraphs, reducing their effectiveness.
- How to improve: Separate advantages and disadvantages into distinct paragraphs. Begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence and follow with supporting details. Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and is well-developed.
-
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses few cohesive devices, and those used are often inappropriate or ineffective. For example, the use of "In fact" and "Besides" does not seamlessly connect the ideas. There is also a lack of clear linking words that would help in guiding the reader through the arguments.
- How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices by incorporating a range of linking words and phrases such as "Furthermore," "Moreover," "However," and "On the other hand." This will help in clearly showing relationships between ideas and making the essay more cohesive.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5
-
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, with several repetitions and awkward phrasing. Terms like "offspring," "dependants," and "pessimistic" are used, but their contextual usage often lacks clarity. For instance, phrases such as "the position is a double that other limit in the kitchen" are unclear and awkward.
- How to improve: Aim to expand your vocabulary by using synonyms and varying your expressions. Ensure that the vocabulary chosen fits the context accurately. Practice using a wider range of terms in different contexts to better convey your ideas.
-
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay shows imprecise usage of vocabulary, such as "freedom and responsibility behind that" and "pessimistic when they not have work," which do not clearly express the intended meaning. Also, "the higher women can do it" lacks clarity.
- How to improve: Focus on understanding the precise meaning of words and how they are used in context. Revise and practice using vocabulary in clear, specific ways to ensure it aligns with the ideas you are presenting.
-
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling issues are present throughout the essay. Examples include "dependants" (should be "dependents"), "freedom" (misused in context), and "pessimistic" (incorrectly used and spelled).
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, practice writing regularly and use tools such as spell checkers. Additionally, review common spelling rules and patterns in English to avoid frequent errors. Reading widely can also help reinforce correct spelling.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 3
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 3
-
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates limited use of varied sentence structures. Many sentences are either overly simplistic or incorrectly constructed, such as "It helps to have a number of dependants it can make mothers feel freedom and responsibility behind that." This indicates a lack of complex sentences and diverse grammatical forms.
- How to improve: To enhance sentence variety, practice incorporating different sentence types, such as complex and compound sentences. For example, use subordinating conjunctions (because, although) and coordinating conjunctions (and, but) to combine ideas and add complexity.
-
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains frequent grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes. For example, "It helps to have a number of dependants it can make mothers feel freedom" lacks proper punctuation and contains grammatical inaccuracies. The use of articles, prepositions, and verb forms is inconsistent and often incorrect.
- How to improve: Focus on mastering basic grammar rules, including correct article usage, verb tense consistency, and proper punctuation. Regularly reviewing grammar rules and practicing with exercises can help. Additionally, proofread your work to catch and correct errors before finalizing it.
Bài sửa mẫu
In contemporary society, more and more fathers choose to stay at home and look after their children while their female counterparts go out to work. This essay will explore both the advantages and disadvantages of this phenomenon.
There are several advantages. For instance, it can make mothers feel a sense of freedom and responsibility. They see that they are not confined to traditional roles and do not have to rely solely on their husband’s income. Additionally, women in such situations do not need to ask for money when they need to buy something. Modern society tends to manage these matters more effectively. For example, Chairman Nguyen Thi Kim Ngan, a notable Vietnamese leader, stated that she had the opportunity to dedicate her entire life to contributing to the development of Vietnam. Her example shows that women can make significant contributions when given the opportunity.
However, there are also some drawbacks. Firstly, women may become reliant on their partners’ income, which can limit their financial independence. Furthermore, this arrangement can affect their health due to increased burdens. Men may also feel pessimistic or less confident if they are not working and are dependent on their wives. Additionally, conflicts may arise regarding the balance of work and financial responsibilities when only one partner is working.
In conclusion, I believe that family roles should be equitable, and financial responsibilities should not rest solely on one partner. Both partners should have the opportunity to contribute to social progress while maintaining financial independence and balance in their personal lives.