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Today, people are surrounded by advertising. This affects what people think is important and has a negative impact on people’s lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Today, people are surrounded by advertising. This affects what people think is important and has a negative impact on people's lives.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Along with the development of technology, advertising is becoming common in human’s lives. Therefore, there is no doubt that it affects the way people think about something and brings some negative effect to their daily lives. In my opinion, I definitely agree with this statement.

The way that advertising affects what people consider it is important is specific. Modern technology allows ads on most devices and can reach many people, therefore, it can create the desire of consumers of the products. For instance, the advertisement of a phone that can fold, which is not an essential feature, could make people have the feeling that it is important to buy it by advertising that this is a modern technology and could have many benefits for consumers. However, in reality, it does not bring that amount of advantages compared with the price of the product. Thus, advertising is a way that manufacturers can affect what people think is important by creating the desire of buying and giving the benefits of consuming them, which is not good for people.

Along with the changing in mindset, advertising can also bring consumer impact to people's lives. Some low quality advertisements on the Internet can lead to many problems for the consumers. In reality, there are many ads about medicine but have not been tested yet, therefore, it can cause health problems for someone who consumes it. Those products have low quality and unreasonable prices, but people still buy them due to the benefits they bring and can cure many health issues but not require the advice from doctors. Thus, many people after consuming them have more health problems although they have spent lots of money for the medicines that they have been advertised on the internet. Those negative impacts are caused by the low quality of adverts and over advertisement, which make people confused about a product.

All in all, although advertising is an effective way that producers can promote their products to more people, the abuse of it could lead to many problems that directly affect the consumers’ lives. However, if advertisements are used in a reasonable way, it could bring many positive effects to both producers and consumers, and only peaks remain.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "advertising is becoming common in human’s lives" -> "advertising has become ubiquitous in human lives"
    Explanation: Replacing "becoming common" with "has become ubiquitous" adds a more definitive and formal tone to the statement. Additionally, "in human’s lives" is simplified to "in human lives" for conciseness and formality.

  2. "there is no doubt that it affects the way people think about something" -> "it undoubtedly influences individuals’ perspectives"
    Explanation: The phrase "there is no doubt that" is replaced with "undoubtedly" for conciseness and formality. "Affects the way people think about something" is refined to "influences individuals’ perspectives" for a more sophisticated expression.

  3. "In my opinion, I definitely agree with this statement." -> "I wholeheartedly concur with this assertion."
    Explanation: "In my opinion" is replaced with "I wholeheartedly concur," eliminating redundancy. "Definitely agree" is refined to "wholeheartedly concur," enhancing the formal tone of the expression.

  4. "The way that advertising affects what people consider it is important is specific." -> "Specifically, advertising shapes perceptions of importance."
    Explanation: The phrase is restructured for clarity and conciseness. "The way that advertising affects what people consider it is important" is revised to "Specifically, advertising shapes perceptions of importance" for improved flow and formality.

  5. "Modern technology allows ads on most devices and can reach many people, therefore, it can create the desire of consumers of the products." -> "Modern technology facilitates advertising across various devices, reaching a broad audience and instigating consumer desires."
    Explanation: The sentence is rephrased to enhance clarity and formality. "Allows ads on most devices" is replaced with "facilitates advertising across various devices," and the structure is adjusted for better flow.

  6. "advertisement of a phone that can fold, which is not an essential feature" -> "advertisement for a phone with a folding capability, which is not essential"
    Explanation: "Advertisement of a phone" is refined to "advertisement for a phone," and the structure is adjusted for grammatical correctness and formality.

  7. "it does not bring that amount of advantages compared with the price of the product" -> "it does not offer commensurate advantages in comparison to the product’s price"
    Explanation: "That amount of advantages" is replaced with "commensurate advantages," adding precision. The structure is adjusted for clarity and formality.

  8. "advertising is a way that manufacturers can affect what people think is important" -> "advertising is a means by which manufacturers influence perceptions of importance"
    Explanation: "A way that" is replaced with "a means by which" for increased formality. The sentence is rephrased for clarity and precision.

  9. "Along with the changing in mindset" -> "With a shift in mindset"
    Explanation: "Along with the changing in" is condensed to "With a shift in" for conciseness and improved flow.

  10. "Some low quality advertisements on the Internet can lead to many problems for the consumers." -> "Certain low-quality internet advertisements can pose numerous issues for consumers."
    Explanation: "Some" is replaced with "certain" for specificity. The sentence is rephrased for clarity and formality.

  11. "those negative impacts are caused by the low quality of adverts and over advertisement" -> "these negative impacts stem from the poor quality of advertisements and excessive advertising"
    Explanation: "Those negative impacts are caused by" is replaced with "these negative impacts stem from" for clarity and formality. "Low quality of adverts" is refined to "poor quality of advertisements" for precision.

  12. "if advertisements are used in a reasonable way, it could bring many positive effects" -> "if advertisements are employed judiciously, they can yield numerous positive effects"
    Explanation: "Used in a reasonable way" is replaced with "employed judiciously" for a more formal expression. "It could bring many positive effects" is refined to "they can yield numerous positive effects" for clarity and precision.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: "Along with the development of technology, advertising is becoming common in human’s lives. Therefore, there is no doubt that it affects the way people think about something and brings some negative effect to their daily lives. In my opinion, I definitely agree with this statement."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The introduction sets the tone for agreement with the statement, but it lacks a clear roadmap outlining the main points to be discussed. Adding a brief preview of the reasons or aspects that will be explored in the essay would enhance the structure and guide the reader.
    • Improved example: "In the era of technological advancement, the pervasive nature of advertising significantly influences human perspectives and, unfortunately, contributes negatively to daily life. In this essay, I will delve into specific aspects such as the impact on consumer behavior and potential health risks associated with advertising."
  2. Quoted text: "The way that advertising affects what people consider it is important is specific. Modern technology allows ads on most devices and can reach many people, therefore, it can create the desire of consumers of the products. For instance, the advertisement of a phone that can fold, which is not an essential feature, could make people have the feeling that it is important to buy it by advertising that this is a modern technology and could have many benefits for consumers. However, in reality, it does not bring that amount of advantages compared with the price of the product. Thus, advertising is a way that manufacturers can affect what people think is important by creating the desire of buying and giving the benefits of consuming them, which is not good for people."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: While the paragraph addresses the impact of advertising on shaping consumer priorities, it lacks depth in the development of ideas. Consider providing more specific examples and elaborating on the consequences of distorted priorities.
    • Improved example: "Advertising, particularly through modern technology, crafts a narrative that certain product features are indispensable. Take, for instance, the promotion of foldable phones, a non-essential feature presented as groundbreaking technology. Despite the high cost, the advertisement instills the belief that owning such a phone is crucial, obscuring the reality of its limited benefits. This manipulation not only distorts consumer priorities but also leads to imprudent spending habits."
  3. Quoted text: "Along with the changing in mindset, advertising can also bring consumer impact to people’s lives. Some low-quality advertisements on the Internet can lead to many problems for the consumers. In reality, there are many ads about medicine but have not been tested yet; therefore, it can cause health problems for someone who consumes it. Those products have low quality and unreasonable prices, but people still buy them due to the benefits they bring and can cure many health issues but not require the advice from doctors. Thus, many people after consuming them have more health problems although they have spent lots of money for the medicines that they have been advertised on the internet. Those negative impacts are caused by the low quality of adverts and over advertisement, which make people confused about a product."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The paragraph discusses the impact on health but lacks coherence and clarity. It is essential to refine the argument by providing more specific examples and connecting ideas cohesively.
    • Improved example: "Furthermore, the influence of advertising on consumer health is particularly concerning, especially with the proliferation of low-quality advertisements on the internet. For instance, untested medicines often advertised online may lead to severe health issues when consumed without proper medical guidance. The deceptive allure of quick remedies at unreasonable prices can result in individuals self-medicating without consulting healthcare professionals. Consequently, this not only exacerbates health problems but also underscores the risks associated with inadequately regulated advertisements."

Overall, while the essay addresses the task and presents a clear position, it would benefit from deeper idea development with specific examples to enhance the overall persuasiveness and coherence.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion. The introduction and conclusion provide a clear structure, and there is a logical progression of ideas within paragraphs. However, some issues affect the overall cohesion. The connection between sentences and ideas is at times faulty or mechanical, impacting the smooth flow of the essay. For instance, the transition between the second and third paragraphs could be more seamless. Additionally, there is some inconsistency in the use of cohesive devices, leading to occasional disruptions in the essay’s coherence.

Paragraphing is generally appropriate, with clear central topics in each paragraph. However, there is room for improvement in logical paragraph development, especially in terms of maintaining a consistent flow between ideas.

How to improve:

  1. Work on improving the coherence between sentences by ensuring a smoother transition between ideas. This can be achieved by using a variety of cohesive devices more consistently.
  2. Pay attention to the logical progression of ideas within and between paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph contributes coherently to the overall argument.
  3. Avoid mechanical or repetitive use of language and strive for more varied and sophisticated expressions to enhance the essay’s overall cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for flexibility and precision in expression. The writer uses less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation. There are occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation, but they do not significantly impede communication.

The essay effectively discusses the impact of advertising on people’s perceptions and lives. It uses a variety of vocabulary to convey the message, such as "desire of consumers," "changing in mindset," and "over advertisement." The writer attempts to incorporate less common vocabulary, demonstrating an awareness of style and collocation.

However, there are some errors in word choice and spelling, such as "Along with the changing in mindset" (it should be "Along with the change in mindset") and "advertised on the internet" (it should be "advertised on the Internet"). Despite these errors, the overall impact of the vocabulary is clear and contributes to the essay’s coherence.

How to improve:
To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should focus on minimizing errors in word choice and spelling. Additionally, further use of sophisticated and varied vocabulary, especially in transitions and topic sentences, could elevate the lexical range. Proofreading for minor inaccuracies will strengthen the overall impact of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms. While the writer attempts to use a variety of structures, there are notable grammatical errors and instances of awkward phrasing that may slightly impede communication. The essay contains some grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation errors, but they do not severely hinder comprehension. There is an effort to present ideas with a mix of sentence structures, but the overall execution falls short of achieving a higher band score.

How to improve:

  1. Grammar and Sentence Structure: The essay would benefit from more precise control of grammar. Proofreading for subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and sentence structure can help reduce errors.
  2. Clarity and Cohesion: Ensure that the ideas flow logically from one to another. This can be achieved by carefully structuring sentences and paragraphs.
  3. Word Choice: Some phrases are a bit awkward or unclear. Choose words and expressions that enhance clarity and fluency.
  4. Complex Structures: While there is an attempt at complex structures, aim for more variety and sophistication in sentence construction. This can be achieved by incorporating a wider range of sentence types.

Overall, refining the grammatical accuracy and sentence structures will contribute to a more cohesive and polished essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

In today’s technologically advanced era, advertising has become a ubiquitous part of human life. It undeniably influences people’s perspectives and brings adverse effects to their daily routines. I wholeheartedly concur with this assertion.

The impact of advertising on people’s perception of importance is quite specific. Advancements in technology have facilitated widespread ad dissemination across various devices, enabling marketers to reach a vast audience. Consequently, these ads cultivate consumer desires for products. For instance, an advertisement highlighting a foldable phone, a non-essential feature, might lead people to believe it’s crucial due to its portrayal as a modern technological marvel with numerous benefits. Yet, in reality, the advantages it offers do not justify its price. Therefore, advertising serves as a tool for manufacturers to shape people’s perceptions of importance, fostering the desire to purchase products based on overstated benefits, which is detrimental.

Moreover, advertising not only influences mindsets but also directly impacts consumers’ lives. Poor-quality online ads, especially those promoting untested medicinal products, pose significant risks. These unverified medications, despite their substandard quality and unreasonable prices, lure buyers with promises of curing various health issues without requiring professional medical advice. Consequently, consumers who use these products often experience worsened health conditions and financial losses. Such negative consequences stem from misleading advertisements and excessive promotion, leading consumers to make ill-informed decisions regarding products.

In conclusion, while advertising serves as an effective means for producers to broaden their product reach, its misuse can result in severe issues affecting consumers directly. Nonetheless, when utilized judiciously, advertising holds the potential to bring about positive outcomes for both producers and consumers, provided ethical standards are maintained and excessive advertising is curbed.

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