Topic: Many people believe that the increasing number of cars in cities is the biggest source of pollution and waste. Others think that industries are the ones causing pollutioin. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

The increasing of population in city life is often widely regarded as a significant and considerable topic in society. While supporters embrace that the numbers of cars are widespread which is a primary key of waste, some opponents voice the opposition that the industries contribute more. There are certain aspects of the perspective represented with which I am inclined to concur, however I remain skeptical of other elements.
First and foremost, it is indispensable that the ecosystem was polluted by the increasing of cars and other vehicles. Delving deeper, one can see that it is just over ninety percent cars have using fossil fuel which may turn into exhausted fumes and discharged to the area throughout their operation progress. Moreover, many broken cars also leave us immense of waste such as metal, and plastic taken a thousand year to decompose. For instance, a modern car can only exist for twenty year and then they are collected to wait for treatment progress.
On the other hand, there is another reason that compound the environment and it is the amount of waste from industries. In the contemporary development, almost cooperations use electricity instead of fossil fuel, however, some stages require heating or burning the ingredients to generate products. Therefore, factories still product emissions that is the main source get harmful to the air making greenhouse gas and damaged ozone layer. To be more specific, in industrialized cities, the high level of contaminated air are more urgent compared to the rural area
To conclusion, the apparent selection of increasing cars or industry wastes in city life make up the largest figure which can be perceived as a double-edged sword. Thus, striking a balanced and nuanced approach is pivotal to gain strengths of this study for improving quality of air and water

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The increasing of population" -> "The increasing population"
Explanation: Removing the preposition "of" after "increasing" corrects the grammatical error and aligns with standard English usage.
"is often widely regarded as a significant and considerable topic" -> "is frequently viewed as a significant and considerable issue"
Explanation: Replacing "often widely regarded" with "frequently viewed" refines the phrasing to sound more formal and precise. "Issue" is also more appropriate than "topic" in this context.
"the numbers of cars are widespread" -> "the proliferation of cars"
Explanation: "Proliferation" is a more precise and formal term that effectively conveys the widespread nature of cars, eliminating the awkward construction "the numbers of cars are widespread."
"which is a primary key of waste" -> "which is a primary contributor to waste"
Explanation: "Contributor to waste" is a more accurate and formal expression than "key of waste," which is grammatically incorrect and unclear.
"voice the opposition" -> "express opposition"
Explanation: "Express opposition" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "voice the opposition."
"certain aspects of the perspective represented with which I am inclined to concur" -> "certain aspects of this perspective with which I concur"
Explanation: Simplifying the phrase removes redundancy and enhances clarity and formality.
"the ecosystem was polluted" -> "the ecosystem has been polluted"
Explanation: Using "has been" instead of "was" corrects the tense to reflect ongoing pollution, which is more accurate in this context.
"it is just over ninety percent cars have using fossil fuel" -> "more than ninety percent of cars use fossil fuel"
Explanation: Corrects grammatical errors and clarifies the sentence structure for better readability and formality.
"exhausted fumes" -> "exhaust emissions"
Explanation: "Exhaust emissions" is the correct term for the gases released by vehicles, replacing the informal and imprecise "exhausted fumes."
"taken a thousand year to decompose" -> "take thousands of years to decompose"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error and uses "thousands of years" for precision and formality.
"a modern car can only exist for twenty year" -> "a modern car can only last for twenty years"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error and clarifies the meaning by using "last" instead of "exist," which is incorrectly used here.
"they are collected to wait for treatment progress" -> "they are collected for treatment"
Explanation: Simplifies and clarifies the phrase, removing unnecessary words for a more direct and formal expression.
"the amount of waste from industries" -> "industrial waste"
Explanation: "Industrial waste" is a more concise and formal term than "the amount of waste from industries."
"almost cooperations use electricity instead of fossil fuel" -> "many industries now use electricity instead of fossil fuels"
Explanation: "Many industries" is more accurate than "almost cooperations," which is incorrect and unclear. Also, "fossil fuels" is the correct plural form.
"product emissions" -> "emissions from production"
Explanation: "Emissions from production" is a more precise and formal way to describe the source of pollution.
"making greenhouse gas and damaged ozone layer" -> "producing greenhouse gases and damaging the ozone layer"
Explanation: Corrects grammatical errors and uses the correct verb forms to improve clarity and formality.
"the high level of contaminated air are more urgent" -> "the high levels of contaminated air are more pressing"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error and uses "pressing" to convey a sense of urgency more appropriately.
"To conclusion" -> "In conclusion"
Explanation: "In conclusion" is the correct phrase for ending an essay, whereas "To conclusion" is grammatically incorrect.
"the apparent selection of increasing cars or industry wastes" -> "the apparent choice between increasing car usage and industrial waste"
Explanation: Clarifies the subject and verb agreement, and uses "choice" to correctly describe the decision between two alternatives.
"make up the largest figure" -> "constitute the largest figure"
Explanation: "Constitute" is a more formal and precise term than "make up," fitting the academic style better.

These changes enhance the formal tone, improve grammatical accuracy, and clarify the meaning of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both views regarding the sources of pollution, namely cars and industries. However, it lacks a comprehensive exploration of each perspective. For instance, while the author mentions the pollution caused by cars, the discussion is somewhat superficial and does not fully articulate the extent or implications of this pollution. Similarly, the industrial perspective is introduced but not adequately developed, leaving the reader unclear about the specific contributions of industries to pollution. The conclusion attempts to summarize but fails to clearly delineate the two views or provide a definitive stance.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the writer should ensure that each viewpoint is explored in depth. This could involve providing more detailed examples and statistics, discussing the mechanisms of pollution for both cars and industries, and clearly stating the implications of each source. A more structured approach, perhaps dedicating separate paragraphs to each viewpoint, would also help clarify the discussion.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat ambiguous position. While the author indicates a preference for a balanced view, the lack of a clear, definitive stance throughout the essay creates confusion. Phrases like "I remain skeptical of other elements" suggest indecision rather than a well-formed opinion. The conclusion does not effectively reinforce a clear position, which undermines the overall argument.
- How to improve: To improve clarity of position, the writer should explicitly state their opinion in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. Each paragraph should connect back to this central argument, ensuring that the reader understands the writer’s stance on the issue. Using phrases like "In my opinion" or "I believe" can help clarify the author’s position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are often underdeveloped. For example, while the author mentions that cars contribute to pollution through fossil fuel emissions, there is little elaboration on the impact of these emissions on health or the environment. Similarly, the discussion about industrial pollution lacks depth and specific examples that would strengthen the argument. The essay feels more like a series of statements rather than a cohesive argument supported by evidence.
- How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to provide specific examples, data, or case studies that illustrate the points being made. Each idea should be clearly linked to the overall argument, and the writer should take the time to explain the significance of each point. This could involve discussing the long-term effects of pollution on urban areas or citing studies that quantify the contributions of cars and industries to overall pollution levels.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally strays from the topic, particularly in the introduction where the focus shifts to the increasing population rather than directly addressing the pollution caused by cars and industries. This deviation can confuse readers and detracts from the main argument. Additionally, some sentences are convoluted and may lead to misinterpretation of the topic.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the prompt. A clear outline before writing can help keep the discussion on track. It may also be beneficial to revisit the prompt throughout the writing process to ensure that all points made are relevant to the question posed.

In summary, while the essay addresses the prompt, it requires significant improvement in depth, clarity, and focus to achieve a higher band score. By developing each viewpoint more thoroughly, presenting a clear position, supporting ideas with evidence, and staying on topic, the writer can enhance the overall effectiveness of their argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents two contrasting views regarding pollution sources, which is a strong foundation for logical organization. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion by acknowledging both perspectives. However, the progression of ideas within paragraphs could be clearer. For instance, the transition from discussing the impact of cars to the industrial pollution lacks a smooth connection, making it somewhat difficult for the reader to follow the argument’s flow.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences that outline the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, employing transitional phrases such as "In contrast" or "Furthermore" can help guide the reader through the argument more effectively. Structuring the essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs that each focus on a single aspect, and a concise conclusion will also improve coherence.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but the structure within them could be improved. The first paragraph introduces the topic but does not clearly delineate the two sides of the argument. The second and third paragraphs contain mixed ideas, making it hard to identify where one argument ends and another begins. For example, the discussion about cars and their waste could be more focused, while the industrial pollution section could benefit from a clearer separation of ideas.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should ideally focus on one main idea. Start with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting details and examples. Consider breaking the second paragraph into two separate paragraphs: one focusing solely on the impact of cars and the other on industrial pollution. This will help maintain clarity and allow the reader to digest each argument more thoroughly.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "on the other hand" and "first and foremost," which help in linking ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some phrases are misused or awkwardly constructed. For instance, "the amount of waste from industries" could be better connected to the previous point about cars to create a more cohesive argument.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "additionally," "consequently," and "for instance." Also, ensure that the devices used are contextually appropriate. Practicing the use of cohesive devices in different contexts can help in achieving a more fluid and connected writing style.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents both sides of the argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will enhance the overall coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "ecosystem," "polluted," "emissions," and "greenhouse gas" indicating an understanding of relevant topics. However, there are instances of repetition and limited variation in word choice, such as the frequent use of "cars" and "waste." This restricts the overall lexical richness of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "cars," alternatives like "vehicles," "automobiles," or "transportation" could be employed. Additionally, using phrases like "environmental impact" or "pollutants" could diversify the vocabulary related to pollution.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "the increasing of cars" should be "the increase in cars." Additionally, "the primary key of waste" is awkward and unclear; a more precise expression would be "a major contributor to waste." Such imprecisions can lead to misunderstandings of the intended meaning.
- How to improve: Writers should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their ideas. It is advisable to review phrases and expressions for clarity and correctness. For example, instead of "the amount of waste from industries," a clearer phrase could be "industrial waste production." Regular practice with vocabulary exercises and seeking feedback on word choice can also help improve precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "pollutioin" (pollution), "cooperations" (corporations), and "to conclusion" (to conclude). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse readers.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in proofreading their work carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words can also be beneficial. Additionally, practicing writing regularly can help reinforce correct spelling through repetition.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of the topic and employs some relevant vocabulary, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling are necessary to achieve a higher band score in Lexical Resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, but it primarily relies on simple and compound sentences. For instance, the sentence "While supporters embrace that the numbers of cars are widespread which is a primary key of waste, some opponents voice the opposition that the industries contribute more" is quite convoluted and could be simplified or restructured for clarity. Additionally, the use of phrases like "it is indispensable that the ecosystem was polluted" indicates a limited range of grammatical structures. The essay lacks complex sentences that could enhance the depth of the argument.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice incorporating more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying "the high level of contaminated air are more urgent compared to the rural area," the writer could say, "the high levels of contaminated air in industrialized cities are more urgent than those found in rural areas, where pollution is less prevalent." Engaging with varied sentence beginnings and using a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences will create a more dynamic and engaging writing style.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For example, "the increasing of population in city life" should be "the increasing population in city life." The phrase "it is just over ninety percent cars have using fossil fuel" is grammatically incorrect; it should be "just over ninety percent of cars use fossil fuel." Additionally, punctuation errors, such as missing commas and incorrect conjunctions, hinder readability. The phrase "which can be perceived as a double-edged sword" lacks proper context and could be better integrated into the sentence.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of prepositions. Regular practice with grammar exercises and reviewing common grammatical structures can help. Furthermore, proofreading the essay for punctuation errors, such as the use of commas to separate clauses, will improve clarity. Reading academic essays can also provide insight into proper grammatical usage and punctuation, which can be emulated in the writer’s own work.

Overall, while the essay presents a relevant discussion on pollution sources, improving the variety of sentence structures and enhancing grammatical accuracy will significantly elevate the quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The increasing population in city life is often widely regarded as a significant and considerable topic in society. While supporters embrace the idea that the number of cars is widespread and is a primary contributor to waste, some opponents express opposition, arguing that industries contribute more. There are certain aspects of this perspective with which I concur; however, I remain skeptical of other elements.

First and foremost, it is indispensable that the ecosystem has been polluted by the increasing number of cars and other vehicles. Delving deeper, one can see that more than ninety percent of cars use fossil fuel, which may turn into exhaust emissions and be discharged into the area throughout their operation. Moreover, many broken cars also leave us with immense waste such as metal and plastic, which take thousands of years to decompose. For instance, a modern car can only last for twenty years before they are collected for treatment.

On the other hand, there is another reason that compounds the environmental issue, which is the amount of waste from industries. In contemporary development, almost all corporations use electricity instead of fossil fuels; however, some stages require heating or burning the ingredients to generate products. Therefore, factories still produce emissions that are the main source of harm to the air, producing greenhouse gases and damaging the ozone layer. To be more specific, in industrialized cities, the high levels of contaminated air are more pressing compared to rural areas.

In conclusion, the apparent choice between increasing car usage and industrial waste in city life constitutes the largest figure, which can be perceived as a double-edged sword. Thus, striking a balanced and nuanced approach is pivotal to gain the strengths of this study for improving the quality of air and water.