-Topic: Role of a university degree in finding a good job

Some people think that getting a degree from university is the best way to guarantee a good job, others believe that would be better to go straight into work and get experience instead. It seem to me that each option has its own merits, and the best choice depends on circumstances and lifestyle needs.
On the one hand, there are some reasons why people think getting a degree is important. A university degree gives people specialized knowledge and critical thinking skills, helping them stand out in the job market. Employers often prefer candidates with formal education because degrees show a certain level of expertise. For example, careers like medicine, engineering, and law require a lot of theoretical knowledge and are almost impossible to enter without the right degree.
On the other hand, there is a second view held by those who believe that gaining work experience directly is more beneficial than pursuing a university degree. This view is not wrong, however gaining experience is only more important in some careers than being educated at university. For instance, some trades such as building require experience to develop the necessary skills and craftsmanship that are essential for success.
In my opinion, I agree that obtaining a degree will provide you with a great and secure career. Furthermore, with a degree, you can get more offers and with time you will gain experience. Unlike when you have only experience, you will not be able to get a degree with time.
Inconclusion, both work experience and a college degree offer valuable advantages. The best path depends on your personal goals and career choices, as some careers require practical skills, while others require formal education and expertise.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"getting a degree from university" -> "obtaining a university degree"
Explanation: "Obtaining a university degree" is a more formal and precise phrase, aligning better with academic style by avoiding the redundancy of "from university."
"would be better to go straight into work" -> "would be more advantageous to enter the workforce directly"
Explanation: "Enter the workforce directly" is a more formal and precise term than "go straight into work," which sounds informal and vague.
"It seem to me" -> "It appears to me"
Explanation: "It appears to me" is the correct form of the contraction "it seems to me," which is necessary for formal writing.
"each option has its own merits" -> "each option possesses its own merits"
Explanation: "Possesses" is a more formal verb choice than "has," enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.
"circumstances and lifestyle needs" -> "individual circumstances and professional requirements"
Explanation: "Individual circumstances and professional requirements" provides a clearer and more specific context, enhancing the formality and precision of the statement.
"stand out in the job market" -> "distinguish themselves in the job market"
Explanation: "Distinguish themselves" is a more formal and precise phrase than "stand out," which is somewhat colloquial.
"Employers often prefer candidates with formal education" -> "Employers frequently prefer candidates with formal education"
Explanation: "Frequently" is a more precise adverb than "often," which is somewhat vague and informal for academic writing.
"almost impossible to enter" -> "virtually impossible to enter"
Explanation: "Virtually" is a more precise and formal adverb than "almost," which is somewhat informal and vague in this context.
"gaining work experience directly" -> "directly gaining work experience"
Explanation: Rearranging the phrase to "directly gaining work experience" improves the flow and clarity of the sentence.
"This view is not wrong, however" -> "This view is not entirely incorrect"
Explanation: "Not entirely incorrect" is a more formal and precise way to express the idea that a view is partially valid.
"gaining experience is only more important" -> "gaining experience is more crucial"
Explanation: "Crucial" is a more formal and emphatic adjective than "important," enhancing the academic tone.
"you can get more offers" -> "you may receive more job offers"
Explanation: "You may receive more job offers" is more formal and specific than "you can get more offers," which is somewhat informal and vague.
"with time you will gain experience" -> "over time, you will acquire experience"
Explanation: "Over time, you will acquire experience" is a more formal and precise expression, suitable for academic writing.
"you will not be able to get a degree with time" -> "you cannot obtain a degree over time"
Explanation: "Cannot obtain a degree over time" is a more formal and precise way to express the idea that it is not possible to obtain a degree solely through experience.
"Inconclusion" -> "In conclusion"
Explanation: "In conclusion" is the correct spelling and is a standard term in academic writing.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both perspectives on the role of a university degree in securing a good job. The author presents arguments for the importance of a degree, citing specialized knowledge and the preferences of employers in fields like medicine and engineering. Additionally, the essay acknowledges the value of work experience, particularly in trades, which demonstrates a balanced approach to the topic. However, the conclusion could be more explicit in summarizing the key points made about both sides.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure each part of the question is explicitly addressed in the conclusion. This could involve reiterating the main arguments for both obtaining a degree and gaining work experience, thereby providing a more comprehensive overview of the discussion.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that favors obtaining a degree, as evidenced by phrases like "In my opinion, I agree that obtaining a degree will provide you with a great and secure career." However, the position could be more consistently articulated throughout the essay. For instance, while the author acknowledges the merits of both sides, the transition from discussing the benefits of a degree to the importance of experience could be smoother to maintain clarity.
- How to improve: The writer should work on clearly signaling their stance throughout the essay. This can be achieved by using transitional phrases that reinforce their position, such as "Despite the merits of work experience, I believe that…" This would help maintain a consistent voice and perspective.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the importance of a degree for specialized knowledge and the necessity of experience in certain trades. However, some points lack depth. For example, while the author mentions that "gaining experience is only more important in some careers," they do not elaborate on which careers those are or provide additional examples to support this claim.
- How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the writer should aim to extend their ideas with more detailed examples and explanations. This could involve discussing specific careers that prioritize experience over education, or providing statistics about employment rates for degree holders versus non-degree holders. Such elaboration would enhance the overall argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the role of a university degree versus work experience in securing employment. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly focused. For instance, the phrase "Unlike when you have only experience, you will not be able to get a degree with time" introduces a somewhat tangential point that could confuse readers about the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should avoid introducing ideas that diverge from the main topic. They can achieve this by ensuring that every sentence contributes directly to the central argument. Additionally, reviewing the essay for any off-topic statements before finalizing it can help maintain clarity and relevance.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, but it could benefit from clearer articulation of the position, more in-depth support for ideas, and tighter focus throughout.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the two perspectives on the value of a university degree versus work experience. Each viewpoint is explored in separate paragraphs, which helps maintain clarity. However, the transition between discussing the merits of a degree and the benefits of work experience could be smoother. For instance, the shift from the first viewpoint to the second could include a transitional phrase that explicitly connects the two ideas, enhancing the logical flow.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases such as “Conversely” or “In contrast” when moving from one viewpoint to another. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea, which will guide the reader through your argument more effectively.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is crucial for readability. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the discussion. However, the concluding paragraph could benefit from a clearer summary of the main points discussed, as it currently feels somewhat abrupt and lacks a strong closing statement.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and a concluding sentence that summarizes the main point. In the conclusion, reiterate the key arguments made in the essay to reinforce the discussion and provide a more satisfying closure.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as “On the one hand” and “On the other hand,” which effectively signal contrasting viewpoints. However, there is a limited range of cohesive devices used throughout the essay. For example, phrases like “Furthermore” and “For instance” are present, but the essay could benefit from additional connectors that indicate cause and effect, comparison, or contrast.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, use “Moreover” to add information, “Nevertheless” to present a counterargument, or “Consequently” to indicate results. This will enhance the flow of ideas and improve the overall coherence of the essay.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve greater clarity and cohesion, potentially raising the band score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "specialized knowledge," "critical thinking skills," and "craftsmanship." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "getting a degree" and "gaining experience," which could be varied to enhance the overall lexical richness.
- How to improve: To improve, consider using synonyms or related phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly saying "degree," you might use "qualification," "academic credential," or "higher education." Similarly, "gaining experience" could be varied with "acquiring practical skills" or "developing expertise."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally uses vocabulary correctly, there are instances of imprecise language. For example, the phrase "this view is not wrong" could be more effectively expressed as "this perspective has merit" to convey a clearer meaning. Additionally, the phrase "you will not be able to get a degree with time" is vague and could mislead the reader regarding the relationship between experience and education.
- How to improve: Focus on refining word choices to enhance clarity. Instead of "you will not be able to get a degree with time," consider saying "without a degree, your opportunities for advancement may be limited over time." This not only clarifies the point but also strengthens the argument.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "Inconclusion," which should be "In conclusion." Such errors can detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and may confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy. After writing, take a moment to review the essay for common spelling mistakes or use digital tools that check spelling. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises or flashcards can help reinforce correct spelling of frequently used words.

By addressing these areas, you can enhance your lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of complex sentences is evident in phrases like "A university degree gives people specialized knowledge and critical thinking skills, helping them stand out in the job market." However, there are instances where the sentence structures could be more varied. For example, the phrase "this view is not wrong, however gaining experience is only more important in some careers than being educated at university" could be restructured for clarity and impact.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that use subordinate clauses effectively. Additionally, using a mix of active and passive voice can add to the diversity. For example, instead of saying "Employers often prefer candidates with formal education," you could say, "Candidates with formal education are often preferred by employers." This not only varies the structure but also emphasizes the subject differently.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation errors that detract from its overall clarity. For instance, "It seem to me" should be "It seems to me," and "Inconclusion" should be separated into "In conclusion." Additionally, the use of commas is inconsistent; for example, there should be a comma before "however" in "This view is not wrong, however gaining experience is only more important…" to separate the independent clauses properly.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay for subject-verb agreement and proper verb forms. Practicing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in compound sentences, will also help. A useful strategy is to read the essay aloud to catch any awkward phrasing or grammatical errors. Furthermore, consider revising sentences that feel overly complex or convoluted to ensure clarity and correctness.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some people think that obtaining a university degree is the best way to guarantee a good job, while others believe it would be more advantageous to enter the workforce directly and gain experience instead. It appears to me that each option possesses its own merits, and the best choice depends on individual circumstances and professional requirements.

On the one hand, there are several reasons why people consider obtaining a degree important. A university degree provides specialized knowledge and critical thinking skills, helping individuals distinguish themselves in the job market. Employers frequently prefer candidates with formal education because degrees demonstrate a certain level of expertise. For example, careers like medicine, engineering, and law require extensive theoretical knowledge and are virtually impossible to enter without the appropriate degree.

On the other hand, there is a perspective held by those who believe that directly gaining work experience is more beneficial than pursuing a university degree. This view is not entirely incorrect; however, gaining experience is more crucial in some careers than being educated at university. For instance, certain trades, such as construction, require hands-on experience to develop the necessary skills and craftsmanship essential for success.

In my opinion, I agree that obtaining a university degree will provide you with a solid and secure career. Furthermore, with a degree, you may receive more job offers, and over time, you will acquire experience. Unlike when you have only work experience, you cannot obtain a degree over time.

In conclusion, both work experience and a college degree offer valuable advantages. The best path depends on your personal goals and career choices, as some careers require practical skills, while others necessitate formal education and expertise.