Topic: Since July 1st 2017, parents must have the children’s permission to upload their pictures on social networks. What is your opinion on the necessity and effectiveness of this regulation?
Topic: Since July 1st 2017, parents must have the children’s permission to upload their pictures on social networks. What is your opinion on the necessity and effectiveness of this
regulation?
The July-1st-2017 day has seen an enormous change in our society, that is, parents must be under children’s control to have their pictures uploaded on social networks from now on. From my perspective, this proposed regulation is completely vital and brings several advantageous effects.
First of all, the importance of this proposal is undeniable. In the contemporary era, associated with the development of technology, social platforms are developing on a increasing basis. As a result, there are a variety of image abusings for numerous purposes, namely in order to misrepresent and play trick on children’s pictures, so the problem is likely to offer them a sense of frustration and depression due to these abusings. By launching the regulation, children may be assured by the little possibility of their widespread moments.
Additionally, this rule brings a huge efficiency for both adults and their offspring. One advantage is the improved children’s privacy. Undoubtedly, many individual take no interest in having their personal pictures exposed to others for some underlying reasons, so they prefer to take photographs by themselves on the grounds of the assurance and perfection. Moreover, adults tend to choose humorous and ridiculous pictures of their youngsters, leading to a sense of inferiority experienced by boys and girls. Another aspect fostered is the adults’ sense of reponsibility. When restricted to uploading these pictures, parents not only could learn how to think twice before doing a thing but also learn how to assure children’s a comprehensive life without depriving them of freedom.
On the balance, it is necessary to implement this regulation for its effectiveness in promoting childrens’ independence and parents’ respensibility. By applying this appropriately to life, people regardless of ages could have a peaceful mind.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
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"July-1st-2017 day" -> "July 1, 2017"
Explanation: The original phrase is redundant and awkward. Using the standard date format "July 1, 2017" is clearer and more formal. -
"enormous change" -> "significant change"
Explanation: While "enormous" is not incorrect, "significant" is a more precise and formal term commonly used in academic writing. -
"under children’s control" -> "under parental control"
Explanation: The phrase "under children’s control" is ambiguous and doesn’t convey the intended meaning clearly. "Under parental control" specifies that parents are responsible for managing their children’s online presence. -
"image abusings" -> "misuse of images"
Explanation: "Image abusings" is non-standard and awkward phrasing. "Misuse of images" is a more precise and formal term. -
"assurance and perfection" -> "security and privacy"
Explanation: "Assurance and perfection" doesn’t effectively convey the idea of privacy and security. "Security and privacy" better captures the intended meaning in the context of personal photographs. -
"sense of reponsibility" -> "sense of responsibility"
Explanation: "Responsibility" is misspelled. Correcting it maintains the formal integrity of the text. -
"learn how to assure children’s a comprehensive life" -> "learn how to ensure children lead fulfilling lives"
Explanation: The original phrase is convoluted and unclear. "Ensure children lead fulfilling lives" is more direct and academically appropriate. -
"regulation for its effectiveness in promoting childrens’ independence" -> "regulation for its effectiveness in fostering children’s independence"
Explanation: "Promoting" can be replaced with "fostering" for a more formal tone, and "childrens’" should be "children’s" for correct possessive form. -
"parents’ respensibility" -> "parents’ responsibility"
Explanation: "Respensibility" is misspelled. Correcting it to "responsibility" maintains proper spelling and formal language. -
"applying this appropriately to life" -> "implementing this in practice"
Explanation: "Applying this appropriately to life" is vague and informal. "Implementing this in practice" is clearer and more formal, aligning better with academic writing conventions. -
"people regardless of ages could have a peaceful mind" -> "individuals of all ages could experience peace of mind"
Explanation: "People regardless of ages" is awkward and lacks precision. "Individuals of all ages" is clearer. Additionally, "peaceful mind" can be refined to "peace of mind" for smoother expression.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both the necessity and effectiveness of the regulation. It acknowledges the importance of the regulation in safeguarding children’s privacy and emotional well-being, while also discussing its efficiency in promoting parental responsibility.
- How to improve: While the essay broadly covers both aspects of the prompt, it could benefit from more specific examples or evidence to support its points. For instance, elaborating on real-life scenarios or statistics related to online privacy and child protection would strengthen the argument.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance throughout, supporting the necessity and effectiveness of the regulation. It consistently argues in favor of parental control over children’s images on social media.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, the essay could explicitly state its position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. Additionally, reinforcing the position with stronger language or conviction would bolster the essay’s persuasiveness.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about the importance and benefits of the regulation but lacks depth in its development. It briefly discusses issues such as privacy concerns and parental responsibility without fully exploring them or providing substantial evidence.
- How to improve: To extend and support ideas, the essay should incorporate more detailed examples, statistics, or relevant studies. Deepening the analysis of how the regulation impacts both children and parents would strengthen the argument and add credibility to the essay.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by discussing the necessity and effectiveness of the regulation. However, there are some instances of unclear or tangential points, such as the reference to "individuals taking no interest in having their personal pictures exposed."
- How to improve: To ensure coherence and relevance, the essay should focus on directly addressing the key aspects of the prompt. Avoiding tangential points and maintaining a clear connection to the topic would improve the overall coherence and effectiveness of the essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a somewhat logical organization of ideas. It begins with an introduction that sets up the topic and the writer’s opinion, followed by body paragraphs discussing the necessity and effectiveness of the regulation. Each paragraph contains a main point and supporting details.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and transitions smoothly to the next. Additionally, consider restructuring sentences for clarity and coherence, avoiding overly complex constructions that may confuse the reader.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs to separate different points, which aids readability. Each paragraph discusses a specific aspect related to the necessity and effectiveness of the regulation.
- How to improve: While the essay utilizes paragraphs effectively to organize content, some paragraphs could be more cohesive internally. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and supporting details that directly relate to the main idea.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes a limited range of cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases like "First of all" and "Additionally." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying these devices and using them more consistently throughout the essay.
- How to improve: Introduce a variety of cohesive devices, including conjunctions (e.g., "furthermore," "however"), pronouns (e.g., "these," "those"), and transitional adverbs (e.g., "consequently," "subsequently"). Ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently to connect ideas within and between paragraphs, enhancing coherence.
Overall, while the essay effectively presents arguments for the necessity and effectiveness of the regulation, there are opportunities for improvement in enhancing logical organization, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices. By implementing these suggestions, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable effort in employing a varied vocabulary, with attempts to express ideas using different words and phrases. For instance, phrases like "enormous change," "associated with," "advantageous effects," and "sense of frustration" exhibit an attempt at lexical diversity. However, there are instances where more precise or sophisticated vocabulary could enhance clarity and sophistication.
- How to improve: To further enrich your lexical resource, consider incorporating a broader range of vocabulary that is contextually appropriate. For example, instead of repeatedly using "advantage," you could vary your word choice with terms like "benefit," "merit," or "asset." Additionally, strive to include domain-specific vocabulary related to the topic of social media, privacy, and child welfare to elevate the sophistication of your essay.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay attempts to utilize a variety of vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage that detract from clarity and precision. For instance, the phrase "image abusings" could be replaced with a more accurate term like "misuse of images." Similarly, "take no interest" could be refined to "show no inclination" or "lack interest." These subtle changes can enhance the precision and effectiveness of your vocabulary usage.
- How to improve: Aim for greater precision in your word choice to convey your ideas more clearly and effectively. Utilize synonyms and related terms to express nuanced meanings. Consider the specific connotations and implications of each word choice to ensure they align closely with your intended message. Additionally, proofreading your essay for clarity and coherence can help identify areas where vocabulary could be refined for greater precision.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of spelling accuracy, with most words spelled correctly. However, there are several instances of spelling errors throughout the essay, such as "abusings" instead of "abuses," "reponsibility" instead of "responsibility," and "childs" instead of "children’s." While these errors do not significantly hinder comprehension, they do detract from the overall professionalism and polish of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider employing spelling and grammar check tools or software to identify and correct errors before finalizing your writing. Additionally, reviewing commonly misspelled words and practicing spelling exercises can help reinforce correct spelling patterns. Finally, proofreading your essay carefully before submission can help catch any remaining errors and ensure a polished final product.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is a tendency to rely heavily on basic sentence structures, leading to repetitive phrasing and a lack of variety. For instance, the use of introductory phrases like "First of all" and "Additionally" is effective in organizing ideas but could be supplemented with a wider range of transitional phrases and sentence structures to enhance coherence and fluency.
- How to improve: To improve, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures such as relative clauses, participial phrases, and conditional sentences. Varying the length and complexity of sentences will add depth and sophistication to the writing. Additionally, experiment with different introductory phrases and transitions to improve flow and coherence.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally accurate grammar and punctuation, but there are notable instances of errors throughout the text. For example, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("individual take" should be "individuals take", "picture is" should be "pictures are") and article usage ("a increasing basis" should be "an increasing basis", "a sense of inferiority" should be "the sense of inferiority"). Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas after introductory phrases ("In the contemporary era" should be "In the contemporary era,") and incorrect comma usage ("play trick on children’s pictures" should be "play tricks on children’s pictures,").
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, review the rules of subject-verb agreement, article usage, and punctuation. Pay particular attention to pluralization and the correct use of articles before nouns. Practice identifying and correcting punctuation errors, especially regarding comma usage with introductory phrases and in separating clauses within sentences. Consider utilizing grammar-checking tools and seeking feedback from peers or instructors to improve accuracy. Additionally, proofread carefully to catch and correct errors before submission.
Bài sửa mẫu
Since July 1st, 2017, a significant change has occurred in our society: parents must now seek their children’s permission before uploading their pictures on social networks. In my view, this regulation is essential and brings several benefits.
Firstly, the necessity of this regulation cannot be overstated. In today’s world, with the rapid advancement of technology, social media platforms are becoming increasingly prevalent. Consequently, there is a growing concern regarding the misuse of images, which can range from misrepresentation to outright exploitation. Such misuse can have detrimental effects on children, leading to feelings of frustration and even depression. By implementing this regulation, children can feel reassured knowing that their private moments are less likely to be exploited.
Moreover, this rule has significant advantages for both children and adults alike. One notable benefit is the enhancement of children’s privacy. Many individuals are uncomfortable with their personal photos being shared without their consent, preferring instead to have control over the images they share. Furthermore, parents often choose to share humorous or embarrassing photos of their children, which can negatively impact their self-esteem. This regulation encourages parents to consider the potential consequences of their actions and to prioritize their children’s well-being.
In conclusion, the necessity and effectiveness of implementing this regulation are clear. It not only promotes children’s independence but also reinforces parents’ sense of responsibility. By incorporating this rule into daily life, individuals of all ages can experience a greater sense of security and peace of mind.
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