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Traffic and accommodation problems are increasing and the government should encourage businesses to move from cities to rural areas. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

Traffic and accommodation problems are increasing and the government should encourage businesses to move from cities to rural areas. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

In many nations, especially in big cities, traffic jams and accommodation issues have happened more often and forced businesses to move factories and buildings to the countryside. Though these shifts are highly recommended for companies as it brings up quality job opportunities and reduced pollution, the downside of this change may include the lack of infrastructure and skilled workers.
On one hand, as the trend grows, an enormous number of companies would exist in less populated areas, creating amazing occupations that have never happened before for the people living there. As a result, a massive boost to development in rural places. The community would also benefit as people would apply for jobs that are higher pay compared to being a farmer, therefore elevate their living condition. Many problems in the urban area could be solved for instance the shortage of space, congestion and awful air quality. Those alone may play a role in improving the environment for all.
On the other hand, various backlashes can hurt the companies throughout this movement. Notably, an absence of underdeveloped conditions in rural space is an obstacle for a strong expansion of the business in the long run. Another difficulty arises as there is a lack of skilled or degree workers though a huge amount of people join… The much needed workforce would not want to move to these areas from their native space because of living, relationship, and health reasons. This will further hold the company back during its development and shall require support from the government.
In conclusion, for the shift to the countryside to be successful, cooperation and assistance between administrators and companies are essential to reach the goal of economical and environmental enhancement.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "have happened more often" -> "have become increasingly common"
    Explanation: Replacing "have happened more often" with "have become increasingly common" uses a more formal and precise expression while maintaining the original meaning.

  2. "forced businesses" -> "compelled enterprises"
    Explanation: Substituting "forced businesses" with "compelled enterprises" introduces a more sophisticated term, aligning better with academic language.

  3. "highly recommended" -> "strongly advocated"
    Explanation: Replacing "highly recommended" with "strongly advocated" adds a higher level of formality to the sentence.

  4. "brings up" -> "creates"
    Explanation: Changing "brings up" to "creates" makes the sentence more concise and academically appropriate.

  5. "On one hand" -> "Firstly"
    Explanation: Using "Firstly" provides a more structured and formal transition to the first supporting point in the essay.

  6. "amazing occupations" -> "promising employment opportunities"
    Explanation: "Promising employment opportunities" is a more precise and formal phrase compared to "amazing occupations."

  7. "people would apply for jobs" -> "individuals would seek employment"
    Explanation: Substituting "people would apply for jobs" with "individuals would seek employment" enhances the formal tone and clarity of the sentence.

  8. "higher pay" -> "better compensation"
    Explanation: Replacing "higher pay" with "better compensation" is a more formal choice of words.

  9. "urban area" -> "metropolitan region"
    Explanation: Using "metropolitan region" instead of "urban area" elevates the formality and precision of the language.

  10. "awful air quality" -> "deteriorating air quality"
    Explanation: "Deteriorating air quality" is a more formal and descriptive term than "awful air quality."

  11. "backlashes" -> "negative repercussions"
    Explanation: Substituting "backlashes" with "negative repercussions" is a more formal and precise choice of words.

  12. "obstacle" -> "impediment"
    Explanation: Replacing "obstacle" with "impediment" adds a formal and nuanced touch to the sentence.

  13. "degree workers" -> "skilled professionals"
    Explanation: "Skilled professionals" is a more precise and formal term compared to "degree workers."

  14. "join" -> "enter"
    Explanation: Replacing "join" with "enter" enhances the formality of the sentence.

  15. "from their native space" -> "from their hometowns"
    Explanation: Using "from their hometowns" maintains clarity while sounding more natural and formal.

  16. "cooperation and assistance between administrators and companies" -> "collaboration and support from both governmental authorities and enterprises"
    Explanation: The suggested phrase offers a more detailed and formal description of the required cooperation and assistance.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: "Though these shifts are highly recommended for companies as it brings up quality job opportunities and reduced pollution, the downside of this change may include the lack of infrastructure and skilled workers."

    • Explanation and Improvement: The introduction provides a clear statement of the advantages and disadvantages of businesses moving to rural areas, which is good. However, it lacks a concise summary of the main points that will be discussed in the essay. To enhance the clarity of your essay’s structure, consider briefly mentioning the specific advantages and disadvantages you will elaborate on in the body paragraphs. For instance, you could say, "In this essay, I will discuss the benefits of job creation and reduced pollution in rural areas, as well as the challenges related to infrastructure and the availability of skilled workers."
    • Improved example: "Though these shifts are highly recommended for companies as it brings up quality job opportunities and reduced pollution, the downside of this change may include the lack of infrastructure and skilled workers. In this essay, I will discuss the benefits of job creation and reduced pollution in rural areas, as well as the challenges related to infrastructure and the availability of skilled workers."
  2. Quoted text: "On one hand, as the trend grows, an enormous number of companies would exist in less populated areas, creating amazing occupations that have never happened before for the people living there. As a result, a massive boost to development in rural places. The community would also benefit as people would apply for jobs that are higher pay compared to being a farmer, therefore elevate their living condition. Many problems in the urban area could be solved for instance the shortage of space, congestion and awful air quality. Those alone may play a role in improving the environment for all."

    • Explanation and Improvement: This paragraph presents some valid points about the advantages of businesses moving to rural areas, but it lacks depth and specific examples. To improve this section, provide more detailed reasons and concrete examples to support your argument. For instance, you could mention specific industries or sectors that would thrive in rural areas and explain how they would contribute to rural development. Additionally, you could provide real-life examples of rural communities that have benefited from such shifts. This would make your argument more persuasive and convincing.
    • Improved example: "On one hand, as the trend grows, an enormous number of companies would exist in less populated areas, creating amazing occupations that have never happened before for the people living there. For instance, the establishment of high-tech manufacturing plants or research centers could lead to the creation of specialized jobs that require advanced skills and expertise. This, in turn, would contribute to a massive boost in the development of rural places. Moreover, the community would benefit as people would apply for jobs that offer higher pay compared to traditional farming, thereby elevating their living conditions. For example, in a study conducted in [name of a rural area], it was found that the influx of new businesses led to a significant improvement in the local economy and residents’ quality of life. Many problems in the urban area could be solved, such as the shortage of space, congestion, and poor air quality. These improvements alone may play a crucial role in enhancing the overall environment for all."
  3. Quoted text: "On the other hand, various backlashes can hurt the companies throughout this movement. Notably, an absence of underdeveloped conditions in rural space is an obstacle for a strong expansion of the business in the long run. Another difficulty arises as there is a lack of skilled or degree workers though a huge amount of people join… The much needed workforce would not want to move to these areas from their native space because of living, relationship, and health reasons. This will further hold the company back during its development and shall require support from the government."

    • Explanation and Improvement: This paragraph addresses the disadvantages of businesses moving to rural areas but lacks specific examples and thorough development. To strengthen this section, you should provide concrete examples of the challenges that companies may face in rural areas, such as inadequate infrastructure or difficulties in recruiting skilled workers. Additionally, you can offer potential solutions or government initiatives that could mitigate these challenges. This would make your argument more comprehensive and balanced.
    • Improved example: "On the other hand, various challenges can hinder companies during this transition. Notably, the absence of developed infrastructure in rural areas can pose a significant obstacle to the long-term expansion of businesses. For instance, limited access to reliable transportation and communication networks can lead to logistical issues, delaying production and delivery times. Another critical difficulty arises from the scarcity of skilled or degreed workers in rural regions, even though a large number of people may move there. The much-needed workforce may be reluctant to relocate due to factors such as living conditions, family relationships, and healthcare access. To address these challenges, it is imperative for the government to invest in rural infrastructure development and provide incentives for skilled workers to consider relocating to these areas."

Overall, your essay adequately addresses the task by discussing both advantages and disadvantages of businesses moving to rural areas. However, it would benefit from more specific examples and deeper development of ideas in both the advantages and disadvantages sections to provide a more convincing argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: This essay demonstrates moderate coherence and cohesion, which is reflected in the Band 6 score. It arranges information and ideas in a relatively coherent manner with a clear overall progression. The essay uses cohesive devices effectively, though there are occasional issues with cohesion within and between sentences. Paragraphing is used, but not always logically.

How to improve:

  1. Cohesion Improvement: To achieve a higher score, work on improving the cohesion within and between sentences. Ensure that the connections between ideas are more seamless, and transitions are smoother.
  2. Paragraphing: Make sure that paragraphs are organized more logically and cohesively. Each paragraph should have a clear central topic and contribute to the overall development of the essay.
  3. Clarity and Precision: Be cautious about vague language or phrases. Ensure that your ideas are expressed clearly and precisely to enhance coherence.
  4. Grammar and Sentence Structure: Pay attention to sentence structure and grammar to avoid any issues that may disrupt the flow of the essay.
  5. Use of Referencing: Use referencing and substitution appropriately to avoid any repetition or confusion.

With these improvements, the essay could achieve a higher score on the Coherence and Cohesion criteria.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, which is characteristic of Band 6. There is an attempt to use some less common vocabulary and phrases, although there are occasional inaccuracies and awkward word choices. For instance, phrases like "amazing occupations" and "absence of underdeveloped conditions" could be improved for better clarity and precision. There are also several spelling and word formation errors throughout the essay, such as "underdeveloped" instead of "development," and "economical" instead of "economic." These errors, while present, do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To achieve a higher score, the essay should focus on improving the range and accuracy of vocabulary. Instead of opting for less common words that may lead to inaccuracies, it’s advisable to use more precise and commonly accepted terminology. Additionally, careful proofreading is necessary to rectify spelling and word formation errors. Overall, refining the vocabulary and addressing language issues would help elevate the Lexical Resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay falls into the Band 6 category for Grammatical Range and Accuracy. It uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and while there are some errors in grammar and punctuation, they rarely reduce communication to the point of confusion. The essay demonstrates an attempt to convey ideas effectively but contains noticeable grammatical issues.

How to improve:

  1. Sentence Structure: The essay should strive for more variety in sentence structure. Incorporating a wider range of complex sentences can help elevate the writing.
  2. Grammar and Punctuation: Careful proofreading and editing are necessary to rectify grammatical errors and punctuation issues. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and correct use of punctuation marks.
  3. Clarity and Coherence: Improve clarity by ensuring that ideas are presented in a logical order and that transitions between sentences and paragraphs are smooth.
  4. Vocabulary: Enhance vocabulary usage to make the essay more engaging and sophisticated. Avoid repetitive words or phrases.

Overall, with some refinements in sentence structure, grammar, and vocabulary, this essay can achieve a higher band score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.

Bài sửa mẫu

In many countries, particularly in large cities, traffic congestion and housing problems have become increasingly common, leading businesses to relocate their factories and offices to rural areas. While such relocations are strongly recommended for companies due to the creation of better job opportunities and reduced pollution, there are also disadvantages to consider, such as inadequate infrastructure and a shortage of skilled workers.

On one hand, as this trend continues, a significant number of companies would establish themselves in less densely populated regions, generating new employment opportunities for the local population. Consequently, rural areas would experience significant development and growth. The community would also benefit as individuals would seek employment in these companies, which often offer higher wages compared to traditional farming, thereby improving their living standards. Moreover, this shift could alleviate numerous urban problems, including space shortages, congestion, and poor air quality, which could collectively contribute to an overall improvement in the environment.

On the other hand, several challenges may hinder companies during this transition. Notably, the lack of developed infrastructure in rural areas can impede the long-term expansion of businesses. Another challenge arises from the shortage of skilled or educated workers, despite a large influx of job seekers. Many potential employees may be reluctant to move to rural areas due to personal reasons such as family, relationships, and healthcare concerns. This reluctance could hinder the growth of businesses and necessitate government support.

In conclusion, for the relocation of businesses to rural areas to be successful, close cooperation and support between government authorities and companies are essential in achieving the goals of economic development and environmental improvement.

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