Trần Uyên 6F : The bar chart below shows the leisure activities that teenagers in Canada report to be their favorite.

The chart demonstrates the favorite leisure activities of teenagers in Canada. As is observed, the percentage of boys is higher than that of girls. In terms of sports, the boy's number, which is recorded at over 25%, is more than double that of the girl's (the girl's number is over 10%). Similarly, as for computer games, the number of boys, which stood at above 15%, is higher than the number of girls, which is reported at below 15%. In reference to music, the number of boys is equal to that of the girls. They are recorded at under 20%. The last is shopping; the percentage of boys is the highest, but the percentage of girls is the lowest (about less than 35% and more than 5%, respectively).

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"As is observed" -> "It is observed"
Explanation: The phrase "As is observed" is somewhat awkward and informal. Replacing it with "It is observed" aligns better with formal academic language, improving the clarity and flow of the sentence.
"the boy’s number" -> "the proportion of boys"
Explanation: "The boy’s number" is an awkward and unclear phrase. "The proportion of boys" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing, clearly indicating the percentage of boys involved.
"the girl’s number" -> "the proportion of girls"
Explanation: Similar to the previous point, "the girl’s number" is informal and unclear. "The proportion of girls" is the correct and formal expression needed for academic writing.
"which is recorded at over 25%" -> "which exceeds 25%"
Explanation: "Which is recorded at over 25%" is verbose and informal. "Which exceeds 25%" is more concise and maintains the formal tone required in academic writing.
"the number of boys, which stood at above 15%" -> "the proportion of boys, which exceeds 15%"
Explanation: Replacing "stood at above 15%" with "exceeds 15%" simplifies and clarifies the comparison, making it more suitable for an academic context.
"the number of girls, which is reported at below 15%" -> "the proportion of girls, which is less than 15%"
Explanation: "Is reported at below" is informal and less precise. "Is less than" is more direct and formal, enhancing the academic tone.
"the last is shopping" -> "the final category is shopping"
Explanation: "The last is shopping" is informal and lacks specificity. "The final category is shopping" is more precise and formal, suitable for an academic analysis.
"the percentage of boys is the highest, but the percentage of girls is the lowest" -> "the proportion of boys is the highest, while that of girls is the lowest"
Explanation: The original phrase is somewhat informal and lacks a formal conjunction. The revised version uses "while" to connect the two clauses, improving the formality and flow of the sentence.
"about less than 35% and more than 5%" -> "between 5% and 35%"
Explanation: "About less than 35% and more than 5%" is awkward and unclear. "Between 5% and 35%" is a more precise and formal way to express the range, aligning better with academic standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main features of the chart, but it does not fully extend the key features. For example, the essay states that the percentage of boys is higher than that of girls, but it does not provide any specific data to support this claim. The essay also presents and adequately highlights key features/ bullet points, but details may be irrelevant, inappropriate or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the number of boys is equal to that of the girls in reference to music, but the chart shows that the number of boys is slightly higher than the number of girls.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific data to support the overview. For example, the essay could state that the percentage of boys who enjoy sports is 25%, while the percentage of girls who enjoy sports is 10%. The essay could also be improved by avoiding irrelevant or inaccurate details. For example, the essay could avoid stating that the number of boys is equal to that of the girls in reference to music, as this is not accurate.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information about the leisure activities of teenagers in Canada, but it lacks overall progression and coherence. While it attempts to compare the percentages of boys and girls in various activities, the organization of ideas is somewhat disjointed. There is some use of cohesive devices, but they are often inadequate or repetitive, leading to confusion. The paragraphing is not clearly defined, which further detracts from the clarity of the response.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on organizing the information more logically, perhaps by grouping similar activities together and clearly indicating comparisons. Using a wider range of cohesive devices, such as linking words and phrases, would help clarify relationships between ideas. Additionally, establishing clear paragraphs with distinct topics would improve the overall structure of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While the writer attempts to convey information about the bar chart, the vocabulary used is basic and repetitive, particularly in phrases like "the number of boys" and "the number of girls." There are noticeable errors in word choice, such as "the boy’s number" instead of "the number of boys," which may cause some difficulty for the reader. Additionally, the use of "the last is shopping" is awkward and could be phrased more clearly. Overall, the lexical resource does not sufficiently meet the requirements for a higher band score due to these limitations.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and avoid repetition. Incorporating more varied expressions and synonyms would improve the overall quality of the essay. Additionally, focusing on accurate word choice and grammatical structures will help reduce errors and improve clarity. For instance, instead of saying "the boy’s number," the writer could say "the number of boys." Practicing the use of more sophisticated vocabulary and collocations relevant to the topic will also contribute to a higher score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While there are some attempts at complex structures, the overall grammatical accuracy is inconsistent. There are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation, such as "the boy’s number" instead of "the boys’ number" and "the girl’s number" instead of "the girls’ number." These errors, while present, do not significantly hinder communication, allowing the reader to understand the main points. However, the frequent errors suggest that the writer does not have full control over grammatical structures.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on improving grammatical accuracy by proofreading for common errors, particularly with plural forms and possessives. Additionally, incorporating a wider range of complex sentence structures and ensuring that they are used accurately would enhance the overall grammatical range. Practicing with varied sentence forms and seeking feedback on written work can also help in developing stronger grammatical skills.

Bài sửa mẫu

The chart demonstrates the favorite leisure activities of teenagers in Canada. As observed, the percentage of boys is higher than that of girls. In terms of sports, the number of boys, recorded at over 25%, is more than double that of the girls (the girls’ figure is over 10%). Similarly, regarding computer games, the number of boys, which stood at above 15%, is higher than that of girls, reported at below 15%. In reference to music, the number of boys is equal to that of girls, both recorded at under 20%. Lastly, in shopping, the percentage of boys is the highest, while the percentage of girls is the lowest (about less than 35% and more than 5%, respectively).