Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every
subject. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is argued that universities should allow equal numbers of students of both genders for every faculty. I firmly believe that school admittance should depend on their abilities and achievements rather than gender.

On the one hand, there are various reasons why it might be considered beneficial to offer oppotunnities to the people with outstanding achievements. To begin with, it may be unwise to ignore gifted students to make room for the promotion of gender equality in education. They made significant effort to reach their goal but were not recognized by the educational institutions. In the UK, for example, higher education is available to all people no matter who they are or their gender or nationality. In addition, the goal to reach the same number of male and female postgraduates can cost a lot of budget. In some fields which may not be appealing to all learners. For instance, the figure for the women who participated in the literature field showed a higher percentage than that of men. As a result, it will require substantial time and resources to achieve an equal number of learners of both sexes.

Some opponents might argue that university admittance should be given to the same amount of male and female students as they would contribute to promoting gender equality across all faculty. However, they might have to take into account that addressing gender inequality is not the aim of education. This can be counterproductive, as it many talented pupils are eliminated and it can lead to an insufficient academic workforce and directly affect the national economy. For instance, India has faced obstacles due to the lack of highly qualified employees, as it has tried to accept the same number of students of both sexes.

In conclusion, despite the merits of accepting equal learners of both genders, I strongly believe that school admittance should be offered to talented students without their sexes.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "It is argued that" -> "It is contended that"
   Explanation: "Contended" is a more formal and precise term than "argued," which enhances the academic tone of the sentence.

2. "allow equal numbers of students of both genders" -> "admit equal numbers of students of both genders"
   Explanation: "Admit" is more specific and appropriate in the context of university admissions, aligning better with the formal academic style.

3. "school admittance" -> "university admissions"
   Explanation: The term "school admittance" is less specific and formal; "university admissions" is more precise and commonly used in academic contexts.

4. "opportunities to the people with outstanding achievements" -> "opportunities to individuals with outstanding achievements"
   Explanation: "Individuals" is more formal and precise than "people," which is somewhat informal and vague in this context.

5. "made significant effort" -> "have made significant efforts"
   Explanation: Using the present perfect tense "have made" correctly reflects ongoing or completed actions in the past, improving grammatical accuracy.

6. "were not recognized" -> "were not recognized as"
   Explanation: Adding "as" clarifies the relationship between the recognition and the achievements, enhancing the sentence structure.

7. "the goal to reach the same number of male and female postgraduates" -> "the goal of achieving equal numbers of male and female postgraduates"
   Explanation: "The goal of achieving" is more formal and precise than "the goal to reach," aligning better with academic style.

8. "cost a lot of budget" -> "require significant budget"
   Explanation: "Require significant budget" is more formal and precise, avoiding the colloquialism "cost a lot of budget."

9. "fields which may not be appealing" -> "fields that may not be appealing"
   Explanation: "That" is the correct relative pronoun to use in this context, improving grammatical accuracy.

10. "the figure for the women" -> "the figures for women"
    Explanation: "Figures" should be plural to match the plural subject "women," and "for" is more appropriate than "for the" in this context.

11. "as they would contribute" -> "as they would contribute to"
    Explanation: Adding "to" after "contribute" clarifies the purpose of their contribution, enhancing the sentence structure.

12. "it many talented pupils are eliminated" -> "many talented pupils are eliminated"
    Explanation: Removing "it" corrects the grammatical error and improves the flow of the sentence.

13. "it can lead to an insufficient academic workforce" -> "this can lead to an insufficient academic workforce"
    Explanation: "This" is necessary to clarify the subject of the sentence, improving clarity and formality.

14. "has tried to accept" -> "has attempted to admit"
    Explanation: "Attempted to admit" is more precise and formal than "tried to accept," aligning better with academic language.

15. "learners of both sexes" -> "students of both genders"
    Explanation: "Students" is more specific and appropriate in the context of academic institutions, replacing the less formal "learners."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by clearly stating a position against equal gender representation in universities. The writer argues that admissions should be based on abilities rather than gender, which directly answers the question. However, while the essay discusses the potential benefits of merit-based admissions, it could further explore the implications of gender equality in education and how it might affect various fields. The examples provided, such as the situation in the UK and India, are relevant but could be more explicitly linked to the argument about gender equality in admissions.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could include a more balanced discussion of both sides of the argument. For instance, they might briefly acknowledge the potential benefits of gender equality in education before reinforcing their stance. This would demonstrate a more comprehensive understanding of the topic and address all aspects of the prompt.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against equal gender representation in university admissions. The writer consistently supports their viewpoint with logical reasoning and examples. However, there are moments where the language could be clearer, particularly in the transition between points. For example, the phrase "this can be counterproductive" could be more explicitly tied to the previous argument about the elimination of talented students.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity, the writer should ensure that each point logically follows from the previous one. Using clear transition phrases and summarizing the main argument at the end of each paragraph can help reinforce the position throughout the essay.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas supporting the main argument, such as the importance of merit and the potential costs of enforcing gender equality in admissions. However, some ideas are not fully developed. For instance, the mention of the UK’s educational system could be expanded to illustrate how merit-based admissions function there and their impact on gender representation.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point with more detailed examples and explanations. Including statistics or studies that highlight the benefits of merit-based admissions could provide stronger evidence for their claims.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the argument against equal gender representation in university admissions. However, there are instances where the discussion could be more tightly focused. For example, the mention of the economic impact of a lack of qualified employees in India, while relevant, could be more directly connected to the main argument about admissions policies.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every example and argument directly supports their main thesis. They could achieve this by explicitly linking each point back to the central question of whether universities should enforce equal gender representation in admissions.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, but it would benefit from deeper exploration of ideas, clearer transitions, and a more balanced discussion of the prompt.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument against the idea of equal gender representation in university admissions. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs are structured to present both sides of the argument. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition between the reasons for supporting merit-based admissions and the counterargument could be smoother. The essay jumps from discussing the benefits of meritocracy to addressing the counterargument without a clear linking sentence, which can disrupt the reader’s understanding.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that guide the reader through your argument. For example, after discussing the benefits of merit-based admissions, a sentence like "Nevertheless, some may argue that…" could help in transitioning to the counterargument. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that encapsulates its main idea can further improve coherence.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The first body paragraph discusses the merits of merit-based admissions, while the second addresses the counterarguments. However, the paragraphs could be more balanced in terms of length and depth. The first body paragraph is longer and more developed than the second, which may give the impression that the counterargument is less significant.
  • How to improve: Aim for a more balanced approach by expanding on the counterarguments. This could involve providing more examples or elaborating on the implications of gender equality in education. Additionally, consider using a concluding sentence in each paragraph that summarizes the main point and links it back to the thesis statement, reinforcing the overall argument.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "on the one hand" and "in addition," which help to structure the argument. However, there is a noticeable reliance on a limited range of cohesive devices, which can make the writing feel repetitive. For example, the phrase "it may be unwise" is used in a way that could be varied to enhance engagement.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "in addition," you could use alternatives like "furthermore," "moreover," or "additionally." Additionally, using phrases that indicate contrast, such as "on the contrary" or "however," can help to clearly delineate opposing viewpoints and enhance the overall cohesion of the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, focusing on smoother transitions, balanced paragraph development, and a greater variety of cohesive devices will enhance the clarity and effectiveness of the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "admittance," "opportunities," "gifted students," and "gender equality." However, there are instances of repetitive phrasing, such as the repeated use of "students" and "gender." The vocabulary used is generally appropriate but lacks variation, which can limit the overall impact of the argument.
  • How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, the writer could incorporate synonyms or related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "students," alternatives like "learners," "pupils," or "candidates" could be employed. Additionally, using phrases like "academic institutions" instead of "educational institutions" could diversify the vocabulary further.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains some imprecise vocabulary choices, such as "oppotunnities" (which is a spelling error) and "the figure for the women who participated in the literature field showed a higher percentage than that of men," which could be more clearly expressed. The phrase "the same amount of male and female students" could be better articulated as "an equal number of male and female students."
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys the intended meaning. For instance, instead of "the goal to reach the same number of male and female postgraduates can cost a lot of budget," a clearer expression would be "achieving gender parity in postgraduate admissions may require significant financial resources." This not only clarifies the message but also enhances the overall quality of the writing.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, most notably "oppotunnities," which should be "opportunities." Such errors can detract from the professionalism of the writing and may confuse readers.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading practices. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help identify errors. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them before submission can be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy are necessary to achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of phrases like "On the one hand" and "In addition" effectively introduces contrasting and supplementary ideas. However, some sentences lack complexity, such as "In some fields which may not be appealing to all learners," which could be restructured for clarity and impact. Additionally, the essay could benefit from more varied sentence openings and the use of passive voice or conditional structures to enhance the range.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that combine multiple ideas. For instance, rather than stating "In addition, the goal to reach the same number of male and female postgraduates can cost a lot of budget," you could rephrase it as "Moreover, pursuing the goal of achieving equal numbers of male and female postgraduates may impose significant financial burdens on educational institutions." This not only adds variety but also enhances clarity and sophistication.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally good command of grammar, but there are notable errors that affect clarity and coherence. For example, "oppotunnities" is a spelling error that detracts from the overall professionalism of the essay. Additionally, the phrase "as it many talented pupils are eliminated" is grammatically incorrect and should read "as many talented pupils are eliminated." Punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are instances where commas could be used to improve readability, such as before "as they would contribute" in the second paragraph.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay for spelling and grammatical errors before submission. A good strategy is to read the essay aloud to catch awkward phrasing or mistakes. Additionally, practicing sentence construction and reviewing common grammatical rules can help solidify understanding and application. For punctuation, familiarize yourself with the rules regarding the use of commas in complex sentences to enhance clarity.

Overall, while the essay achieves a Band 7 for Grammatical Range and Accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical precision will help elevate the score further.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is contended that universities should allow equal numbers of students of both genders in every faculty. I firmly believe that university admissions should depend on students’ abilities and achievements rather than gender.

On the one hand, there are various reasons why it might be considered beneficial to offer opportunities to individuals with outstanding achievements. To begin with, it may be unwise to ignore gifted students to make room for the promotion of gender equality in education. They have made significant efforts to reach their goals but were not recognized by the educational institutions. In the UK, for example, higher education is available to all individuals, no matter who they are, or their gender or nationality. In addition, the goal of achieving equal numbers of male and female postgraduates can require a significant budget, especially in some fields that may not be appealing to all learners. For instance, the figures for women who participated in the literature field showed a higher percentage than that of men. As a result, it will require substantial time and resources to achieve an equal number of learners of both sexes.

Some opponents might argue that university admissions should be given to the same number of male and female students, as they would contribute to promoting gender equality across all faculties. However, they might have to take into account that addressing gender inequality is not the aim of education. This can be counterproductive, as many talented pupils are eliminated, and it can lead to an insufficient academic workforce, which directly affects the national economy. For instance, India has faced obstacles due to the lack of highly qualified employees, as it has attempted to admit equal numbers of students of both genders.

In conclusion, despite the merits of accepting equal numbers of learners of both genders, I strongly believe that university admissions should be offered to talented students without regard to their gender.