Violence in playgrounds is increasing. However, it is impoertant that parents should teach children not to hit back at bullies. Discuss this view and give your own opinion.

Bullying in early age is one of the status quo in the educational environment. It is believed that children should
hit back at those violent actions as a natural defense mechanism. However, I do not totally agree with this statement
due to the following reasons.
The first reason is that being involved in a fight can hurt children themselves. If children get bullied by their peers,
and they pay back in the same way toward those who brutally annoy them, a cycle of violence will be formed.
Moreover, after students forcefully counteract the bullies, they can be detrimental to themselves. The young pupils
can be injured in physics and affected mental health. Some advocates believe resistance is the best way to treat the
bullies who harm their children. However, it is unintentional that those who are bullied will become the type of
person whom they hate. Moreover, the permission to hit back of parents can accelerate and encourage fighting in
school space.
It could also be supposed to result in an escalation in violence when children tend to retaliate against their bullying
peers. Children are justified to fight back as a biological instinct when they get pushed around. However, they
accidentally become provocative victims which keeps them caught in a cycle of conflict with a greater level of risks.
In addition, kids are likely to shape psychological mindsets when they go down this negative path. For example,
children decide to resort to violence as a prevention from ongoing bullying. If this behavior repeatedly occurs, those
can turn out to be aggressors as bullies have done. Consequently, it contributes to forming a part of a child’s
personality and has a huge impact on their daily performance such as rudely treating surrounding people.
On the other hand, choosing not to hit back the bully in every situation is not always a wise choice. It is essential
that children should know self-defense to resist dangerous circumstances which may threaten their mental and
physical health. To be more specific, parents should encourage their children to participate in martial arts classes.
When a bully has a dangerous weapon that can cause injury, kids who learn martial arts have more opportunities to counterattack and find escapes. Then, they can seek help from adults. In addition, by learning martial arts, kids can
gain additional mental training to maintain both mentality and physicality.
In conclusion, giving bullies a taste of their own medicine can lead to physical and mental injuries and promote
violence among youngsters. Some do think that self-protection is considered a right to stand up for themselves
toward bad people and prevent pupils from dangers at school. Instead, there are better strategies to handle these
potentially risky situations like attending martial classes or responding calmly to negative behaviors from peers.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Bullying in early age" -> "Bullying among young children"
Explanation: "Bullying in early age" is awkward and unclear. "Bullying among young children" is more precise and contextually appropriate for academic writing.
"is one of the status quo" -> "is a common phenomenon"
Explanation: "Status quo" typically refers to the current state of affairs, which is not the intended meaning here. "A common phenomenon" accurately describes the widespread occurrence of bullying.
"children should hit back" -> "children should respond assertively"
Explanation: "Hit back" is too informal and aggressive for academic writing. "Respond assertively" maintains a formal tone and conveys a more measured approach.
"due to the following reasons" -> "for the following reasons"
Explanation: "Due to" implies causality, which is not necessarily the case here. "For" is more appropriate for introducing the reasons that follow.
"brutally annoy them" -> "aggressively harass them"
Explanation: "Brutally annoy" is an awkward and unclear phrase. "Aggressively harass" is more precise and appropriate for describing bullying behavior.
"can be detrimental to themselves" -> "can harm themselves"
Explanation: "Detrimental" is a bit vague and formal; "harm" is more direct and clear in this context.
"young pupils can be injured in physics" -> "young pupils can suffer physical injuries"
Explanation: "In physics" is incorrect as it refers to a branch of science. "Suffer physical injuries" correctly describes the type of harm.
"Some advocates believe resistance is the best way to treat the bullies" -> "Some advocates argue that resistance is the most effective way to address bullying"
Explanation: "Treat the bullies" is an informal and imprecise phrase. "Address bullying" is more formal and accurate.
"it is unintentional that those who are bullied will become the type of person whom they hate" -> "it is unintended that those who are bullied may become the type of person they despise"
Explanation: "Unintentional" is not the correct term here; "unintended" is more appropriate. Also, "despise" is more formal than "hate."
"the permission to hit back of parents" -> "parental permission to retaliate"
Explanation: "The permission to hit back of parents" is awkward and unclear. "Parental permission to retaliate" is more direct and formal.
"kids are likely to shape psychological mindsets" -> "children are likely to develop psychological mindsets"
Explanation: "Kids" is too informal for academic writing; "children" is more appropriate. "Develop" is a more precise verb than "shape" in this context.
"go down this negative path" -> "follow this negative path"
Explanation: "Go down" is colloquial; "follow" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.
"those can turn out to be aggressors as bullies have done" -> "they may become aggressors, just as bullies do"
Explanation: "Those can turn out to be aggressors as bullies have done" is convoluted and unclear. The revised version is clearer and maintains a formal tone.
"rudely treating surrounding people" -> "rude behavior towards others"
Explanation: "Rudely treating surrounding people" is awkward and informal. "Rude behavior towards others" is more precise and formal.
"choosing not to hit back the bully" -> "refraining from retaliating against the bully"
Explanation: "Hit back" is informal and imprecise. "Retaliating" is the correct term for describing the act of responding with violence or aggression.
"kids who learn martial arts have more opportunities to counterattack and find escapes" -> "children who learn martial arts have greater opportunities to defend themselves and find escape routes"
Explanation: "Kids" is too informal; "children" is more suitable. "Counterattack and find escapes" is vague; "defend themselves and find escape routes" is more specific and formal.
"gain additional mental training to maintain both mentality and physicality" -> "acquire additional mental discipline to enhance both mental and physical resilience"
Explanation: "Gain additional mental training to maintain both mentality and physicality" is awkward and unclear. "Acquire additional mental discipline to enhance both mental and physical resilience" is more precise and formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the view that children should not retaliate against bullies and provides a personal opinion. The author acknowledges the opposing perspective that hitting back may be a natural defense mechanism, but ultimately argues against it. The discussion of self-defense and martial arts as a counterpoint is relevant, but the essay could benefit from a more balanced exploration of both views.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay could more explicitly outline the reasons for and against hitting back at bullies. This could involve dedicating a paragraph to each viewpoint, ensuring that both sides are explored in depth before presenting a personal opinion. Additionally, clearer connections to the prompt throughout the essay would strengthen the overall response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position against the idea of hitting back at bullies, emphasizing the potential for a cycle of violence and the negative consequences for children. However, the introduction could be clearer in stating the position, as it initially presents a somewhat ambiguous stance. The transition to discussing self-defense could also be more clearly delineated to avoid confusion about the author’s overall position.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the author should explicitly state their opinion in the introduction and reinforce it throughout the essay. Using phrases such as "I firmly believe" or "In my opinion" can help clarify the stance. Additionally, summarizing the position at the end of each paragraph can help reinforce the author’s viewpoint.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the cycle of violence and the importance of self-defense. However, some points lack sufficient elaboration or supporting evidence. For instance, the claim that children can become aggressors if they hit back could be strengthened with examples or studies that illustrate this phenomenon. The discussion on martial arts is relevant but could be expanded to include more specific benefits or examples of how it helps children.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the author should aim to provide more detailed explanations and examples for each point made. Incorporating statistics, studies, or real-life anecdotes can help substantiate claims and make the argument more persuasive. Additionally, ensuring that each idea is clearly linked back to the main argument will enhance coherence.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the issue of violence in playgrounds and the appropriate responses to bullying. However, there are moments where the discussion of self-defense and martial arts feels somewhat tangential, particularly if not directly tied back to the main argument against retaliating. The mention of martial arts, while relevant, could be seen as diverging from the core argument if not clearly connected to the main thesis.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central question of whether children should hit back at bullies. This can be achieved by explicitly linking discussions of self-defense and martial arts back to the consequences of retaliatory violence. Using topic sentences that clearly state how each paragraph contributes to the overall argument can also help maintain relevance throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the writer’s stance. The body paragraphs are organized around distinct reasons supporting the argument against retaliating against bullies. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the physical and psychological harm that can arise from retaliatory violence, while the second paragraph addresses the potential escalation of violence. However, the transitions between some ideas could be smoother, as certain points feel somewhat disjointed. For example, the transition from discussing the cycle of violence to the psychological impacts could be more clearly articulated.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, the writer could use clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to signal the main idea. Additionally, employing transitional phrases such as "Furthermore," "In addition," or "Conversely" would help connect ideas more fluidly, guiding the reader through the argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, making it easier for the reader to follow. However, the conclusion could be more distinctly separated from the body paragraphs to emphasize its role as a summary and final statement. The current structure blends the conclusion with the final body paragraph, which may confuse readers regarding the essay’s closure.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, the writer should ensure that the conclusion is clearly marked and distinct from the preceding content. This can be achieved by starting the conclusion on a new line and using a phrase like "In conclusion" or "To summarize" to signal the end of the discussion. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear main idea and supporting details will strengthen the overall structure.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "however," "moreover," and "consequently," which help to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some sentences feel abrupt or lack sufficient linking words, which can disrupt the flow. For example, the phrase "On the other hand" introduces a contrasting idea but could be better supported with additional context or explanation.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. This could include synonyms for "however" (such as "nevertheless" or "on the contrary") and phrases that indicate cause and effect (like "as a result," "therefore," or "thus"). Additionally, using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas can enhance cohesion and reduce repetition.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will enhance clarity and coherence, potentially raising the band score further.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "bullying," "retaliate," "escalation," and "self-defense." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "hit back" and "cycle of violence," which could be varied to enhance the richness of the text. Additionally, some phrases lack sophistication, such as "kids are likely to shape psychological mindsets," which could be expressed more eloquently.
- How to improve: To improve lexical variety, the writer should consider using synonyms and more complex phrases. For instance, instead of repeating "hit back," alternatives like "retaliate" or "respond aggressively" could be used. Furthermore, incorporating more advanced vocabulary related to psychology or conflict resolution would enhance the essay’s depth.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "the permission to hit back of parents," which is awkwardly phrased and could confuse readers. Additionally, the phrase "can be detrimental to themselves" is vague; it would be clearer to specify that it refers to physical injuries or emotional distress. The term "provocative victims" is also unclear and could be misinterpreted.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on clarity and specificity. For example, instead of saying "can be detrimental to themselves," the writer could specify "can lead to physical injuries and emotional trauma." Additionally, rephrasing "the permission to hit back of parents" to "parents’ encouragement to retaliate" would improve clarity.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a notable spelling error: "impoertant" should be "important." This error detracts from the overall professionalism of the writing and may lead to misunderstandings. While the rest of the spelling appears to be correct, this single mistake is significant enough to impact the overall impression of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully, ideally after a short break to gain a fresh perspective. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can also help identify errors that may be overlooked during the writing process.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling will enhance the overall quality and clarity of the writing. Focusing on these areas will help the writer achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of complex sentences such as "If children get bullied by their peers, and they pay back in the same way toward those who brutally annoy them, a cycle of violence will be formed" shows an understanding of how to convey nuanced ideas. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the way arguments are presented, which can detract from the overall sophistication of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied introductory phrases and clauses. For instance, instead of starting multiple sentences with "The first reason is…" or "Moreover," the writer could use phrases like "In addition to this," or "Another significant point to consider is…" This would not only diversify the sentence openings but also improve the flow of ideas.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect clarity. For example, the phrase "Bullying in early age is one of the status quo in the educational environment" should be revised to "Bullying at an early age is part of the status quo in the educational environment." Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "the permission to hit back of parents can accelerate and encourage fighting," which could be clearer as "parents’ permission to hit back can escalate and encourage fighting." Punctuation errors, such as missing commas in complex sentences, also hinder readability.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly those focusing on common errors, can be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading for punctuation errors, especially in complex sentences, can help enhance clarity. Utilizing tools like grammar checkers or seeking feedback from peers could also aid in identifying and correcting these issues.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, addressing the identified weaknesses will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Bullying among young children is a common phenomenon in educational environments. It is often believed that children should hit back at violent actions as a natural defense mechanism. However, I do not entirely agree with this view for the following reasons.

The first reason is that being involved in a fight can harm children themselves. If children are bullied by their peers and they retaliate in the same manner towards those who aggressively harass them, a cycle of violence will be established. Moreover, when students forcefully counteract the bullies, they can be detrimental to their own well-being. Young pupils can suffer physical injuries and experience negative effects on their mental health. Some advocates argue that resistance is the most effective way to address bullying. However, it is unintended that those who are bullied may become the type of person they despise. Additionally, parental permission to retaliate can escalate and encourage fighting in school settings.

It could also be suggested that this approach may lead to an increase in violence when children tend to retaliate against their bullying peers. While children may feel justified in fighting back as a biological instinct when they are pushed around, they inadvertently become provocative victims, which keeps them trapped in a cycle of conflict with greater risks. Furthermore, children are likely to develop psychological mindsets when they follow this negative path. For instance, they may resort to violence as a means of preventing ongoing bullying. If this behavior occurs repeatedly, they may turn into aggressors, just as bullies do. Consequently, this contributes to shaping a part of a child’s personality and has a significant impact on their daily interactions, such as exhibiting rude behavior towards others.

On the other hand, choosing not to hit back at the bully in every situation is not always a wise choice. It is essential for children to learn self-defense to protect themselves in dangerous circumstances that may threaten their mental and physical health. Specifically, parents should encourage their children to participate in martial arts classes. When a bully has a dangerous weapon that can cause injury, children who learn martial arts have greater opportunities to defend themselves and find escape routes. They can then seek help from adults. Additionally, by learning martial arts, children can acquire additional mental discipline to enhance both their mental and physical resilience.

In conclusion, giving bullies a taste of their own medicine can lead to physical and mental injuries and promote violence among youngsters. While some believe that self-protection is a right and necessary to stand up against bad behavior, there are more effective strategies to handle these potentially risky situations, such as attending martial arts classes or responding calmly to negative behaviors from peers.