Violent in the media promotes violence in society

In recent years, there has been mounting concern over violence in society caused by violence content in the media. While some people state that the media encourages violence in society, I partly agree with that view simply because there are some factors contributing to that situation.
Admittedly , media violence can lead to social violence. The violence content can cause a negative impact on children's behaviour as well as thinking because children tend to lack the ability to tell right from wrong. As a result they can mimic such violence when they grow up . In addition, these contents may be a shock for the children so they can be isolated from the real world, become depressed or even learn these actions in the media. For example, children living in domestic violence tend to have mental problems or unsuitable behaviors such as fighting .
However, there are several factors leading to the violence in society. The lack of parental support is one of the main factors . The supervision and support of parents can help reduce the violence situations in the future because they will know exactly the problem of their children so they will have a lot of solutions like a lesson or special treatment. Besides, the difference in religion also causes violence because each religion has a standard of a good person, so people who have different religions can cause a conflict. this can lead to violence society or even war between two religions. For example, most countries in western asia have a war with each other because of religion.
In conclusion, the unsuitable content in the media is just one of the main factors causing violence society, the religion and support of adult is really important with peace of society.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In recent years, there has been mounting concern" -> "In recent years, there has been growing concern"
Explanation: "Growing concern" is a more precise and formal term that better captures the increasing awareness of the issue, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.
"violence in society caused by violence content in the media" -> "violence in society attributed to violent content in the media"
Explanation: "Attributed to" is more precise and formal than "caused by," which is somewhat vague and colloquial in this context.
"I partly agree with that view" -> "I partially concur with this perspective"
Explanation: "Concur" is a more formal synonym for "agree," and "this perspective" is more specific and formal than "that view."
"Admittedly" -> "It is acknowledged"
Explanation: "It is acknowledged" is a more formal and less conversational way to introduce a concession, fitting better in an academic essay.
"can lead to social violence" -> "may contribute to societal violence"
Explanation: "May contribute to societal violence" is more precise and formal, avoiding the simplistic "can lead to."
"The violence content can cause a negative impact" -> "Violent content can exert a detrimental influence"
Explanation: "Exert a detrimental influence" is more formal and precise than "cause a negative impact," and "violent content" is more specific than "the violence content."
"children tend to lack the ability to tell right from wrong" -> "children often struggle to distinguish right from wrong"
Explanation: "Struggle to distinguish" is a more precise and formal way to describe the difficulty children may face in understanding moral principles.
"As a result they can mimic such violence when they grow up" -> "Consequently, they may emulate such behavior as adults"
Explanation: "Consequently" is more formal than "As a result," and "emulate such behavior as adults" is more precise and formal than "mimic such violence when they grow up."
"these contents may be a shock for the children" -> "these contents may shock children"
Explanation: Simplifying "may be a shock for the children" to "may shock children" enhances clarity and formality.
"become depressed or even learn these actions in the media" -> "become depressed or even adopt these behaviors from the media"
Explanation: "Adopt these behaviors" is more specific and formal than "learn these actions," and "from the media" is more precise than "in the media."
"The lack of parental support is one of the main factors" -> "The absence of parental support is a significant factor"
Explanation: "The absence of parental support" is more formal than "The lack of parental support," and "a significant factor" is more precise than "one of the main factors."
"can help reduce the violence situations" -> "can help mitigate violent situations"
Explanation: "Mitigate" is a more formal and precise term than "reduce," and "violent situations" is more specific than "the violence situations."
"they will know exactly the problem of their children" -> "they will be aware of their children’s issues"
Explanation: "Be aware of their children’s issues" is more formal and precise than "know exactly the problem of their children."
"a lot of solutions like a lesson or special treatment" -> "various solutions, such as lessons or specialized interventions"
Explanation: "Various solutions, such as lessons or specialized interventions" is more formal and specific than "a lot of solutions like a lesson or special treatment."
"the difference in religion also causes violence" -> "differences in religion also contribute to violence"
Explanation: "Contribute to" is a more formal and academically appropriate term than "causes," and "differences in religion" is more precise than "the difference in religion."
"can cause a conflict" -> "may lead to conflicts"
Explanation: "May lead to conflicts" is more formal and avoids the singular "cause a conflict," which is less appropriate for a general statement about multiple possibilities.
"this can lead to violence society or even war" -> "this may lead to societal violence or even war"
Explanation: "Societal violence" is a more formal term than "violence society," and "may" is more appropriate than "can" for expressing possibility in academic writing.
"the unsuitable content in the media is just one of the main factors causing violence society" -> "unsuitable media content is merely one of the primary factors contributing to societal violence"
Explanation: "Merely one of the primary factors" is more formal and precise than "just one of the main factors," and "contributing to societal violence"

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the relationship between media violence and societal violence. It acknowledges that media violence can contribute to societal issues while also recognizing other factors, such as parental support and religious differences. However, the response could be more balanced; the argument that media violence is a contributing factor is somewhat overshadowed by the emphasis on other causes. For instance, the essay states, "I partly agree with that view," but does not clearly delineate the extent to which media violence is responsible compared to other factors.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that each part of the question is explicitly addressed. This can be achieved by clearly stating the degree of influence that media violence has in comparison to other factors. A more structured approach could involve dedicating specific paragraphs to discussing media violence and its effects, followed by a separate section for other contributing factors, ensuring that both sides are given equal weight.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that acknowledges the influence of media violence but does so in a somewhat ambiguous manner. Phrases like "I partly agree" introduce uncertainty about the writer’s stance. While the essay does maintain a general agreement that media violence has negative effects, the lack of a definitive position can confuse readers about the writer’s true beliefs.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should explicitly state their viewpoint in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. Using more assertive language, such as "I believe that media violence significantly contributes to societal violence," would clarify the stance. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph reinforces this position will help maintain consistency throughout the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to media violence and its effects, such as the impact on children and the role of parental support. However, the development of these ideas is somewhat limited. For example, the discussion about children mimicking violence lacks depth and could benefit from more specific examples or studies that illustrate this point. Furthermore, the transition between ideas is not always smooth, which can disrupt the flow of the argument.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point with more detailed explanations and examples. Incorporating statistics, studies, or real-life cases would strengthen the argument. Additionally, using transitional phrases can help guide the reader through the essay more effectively, ensuring that each idea builds upon the previous one.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the influence of media violence and other contributing factors. However, the inclusion of religious conflict as a cause of violence may seem tangential to the primary focus on media. While it is relevant to the broader discussion of societal violence, it could detract from the central argument about media influence.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate back to the prompt. It may be beneficial to either limit the discussion of other factors or to explicitly connect them back to media violence. For instance, discussing how media portrayal of religious conflicts could exacerbate societal violence would keep the focus aligned with the prompt while still addressing other contributing factors.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, it would benefit from clearer positioning, more balanced argumentation, and deeper elaboration on key points to achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the relationship between media violence and societal violence, which is a strong point. The introduction effectively sets up the discussion, stating the writer’s partial agreement with the prompt. The body paragraphs are structured to first acknowledge the impact of media violence and then shift to other contributing factors, which demonstrates a logical progression of ideas. However, the transition between the two main points could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing media violence to parental support lacks a clear linking sentence that would help the reader follow the argument more seamlessly.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect the ideas. For example, after discussing media violence, a sentence like "Nevertheless, it is important to recognize that other factors also play a crucial role in societal violence" could serve as a bridge to the next paragraph.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, making it easier for the reader to follow. However, the paragraphs could benefit from clearer topic sentences that outline the main idea of each paragraph. For instance, the second paragraph starts with "Admittedly," which is somewhat informal and does not clearly indicate that this paragraph will focus on the negative effects of media violence.
- How to improve: Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. For example, instead of "Admittedly," consider starting with "One significant impact of media violence is its potential to influence children’s behavior negatively." This approach will provide a clearer roadmap for the reader.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "In addition" and "However," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and the essay occasionally relies on basic connectors. For example, the phrase "this can lead to violence society or even war between two religions" could be better articulated with a more sophisticated connector that indicates causation or consequence.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "Consequently," "Furthermore," or "On the other hand" to enhance the connections between ideas. Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to avoid repetition and improve cohesion. For example, instead of repeating "violence," use "such behavior" or "aggression" in subsequent references.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, addressing these areas for improvement will enhance the overall clarity and effectiveness of the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but it tends to rely on common phrases and lacks variety in word choice. For instance, terms like "violence," "media," and "children" are repeated frequently without synonyms or related terms to enrich the text. Phrases such as "negative impact" and "mental problems" are somewhat generic and could be replaced with more specific vocabulary to enhance clarity and engagement.
- How to improve: To improve this aspect, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "violence," alternatives like "aggression," "hostility," or "brutality" could be employed. Additionally, using terms like "psychological effects" instead of "mental problems" would provide more specificity and depth.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that could lead to misunderstandings. For example, the phrase "the violence content" should be "violent content" for grammatical correctness. Furthermore, the expression "isolated from the real world" could be misleading; it might be clearer to say "become desensitized to real-life consequences." The phrase "violence society" is also awkward and should be revised to "violent society."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on the grammatical structure and context of the vocabulary used. Regularly reviewing vocabulary in context and practicing with exercises that emphasize word choice can help. Additionally, using tools like thesauruses or vocabulary lists tailored to academic writing can aid in selecting the most appropriate terms.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors that detract from its overall quality. For example, "Admittedly" is correctly spelled, but "this can lead to violence society" should be "this can lead to a violent society." The phrase "the religion and support of adult" should be "the religion and support of adults." These errors indicate a need for more careful proofreading.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should develop a habit of proofreading their work before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, keeping a list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of lexical resource, enhancing vocabulary range, precision, and spelling will contribute significantly to achieving a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. For example, the use of complex sentences is evident in phrases like "While some people state that the media encourages violence in society, I partly agree with that view simply because there are some factors contributing to that situation." However, the essay predominantly relies on simple and compound sentences, which limits the overall variety. The transitions between ideas are sometimes abrupt, as seen in the shift from discussing media violence to parental support without a clear linking phrase.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more complex sentences and varied conjunctions. For instance, using relative clauses (e.g., "which can lead to…") or conditional sentences (e.g., "If children are exposed to violent media, they may…") would add complexity. Additionally, employing a wider range of transition words (e.g., "Furthermore," "Moreover," "Conversely") can help create smoother transitions between different points.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For instance, there are misplaced commas, such as in "Admittedly , media violence can lead to social violence," where the space before the comma is incorrect. Additionally, the sentence "the religion and support of adult is really important with peace of society" contains subject-verb agreement errors ("support of adult" should be "support of adults"). There are also issues with capitalization, as seen in "this can lead to violence society," where "this" should start with a capital letter.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, particularly with punctuation and subject-verb agreement. Practicing sentence structure exercises can also help solidify understanding of complex grammatical rules. Furthermore, reviewing the rules of capitalization and ensuring that each sentence begins with a capital letter will enhance the overall professionalism of the writing. Engaging in grammar-focused exercises or using grammar-checking tools could also be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay presents a clear argument and relevant examples, enhancing the variety of sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy and punctuation will significantly elevate the overall quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent years, there has been mounting concern over violence in society caused by violent content in the media. While some people state that the media encourages violence in society, I partially concur with that view simply because there are several factors contributing to this situation.

Admittedly, media violence can lead to societal violence. Violent content can exert a detrimental influence on children’s behavior as well as their thinking because children often struggle to distinguish right from wrong. As a result, they may emulate such violence when they grow up. In addition, these contents may shock children, causing them to become isolated from the real world, become depressed, or even adopt these behaviors from the media. For example, children living in domestic violence tend to have mental problems or unsuitable behaviors such as fighting.

However, there are several factors leading to violence in society. The absence of parental support is one of the main factors. The supervision and support of parents can help mitigate violent situations in the future because they will be aware of their children’s issues and will have various solutions, such as lessons or specialized interventions. Besides, differences in religion also contribute to violence because each religion has its own standards of what constitutes a good person, so people with different religions may lead to conflicts. This may lead to societal violence or even war between two religions. For example, many countries in Western Asia have experienced wars with each other because of religious differences.

In conclusion, unsuitable media content is merely one of the primary factors contributing to societal violence. The role of religion and the support of adults are also crucial for maintaining peace in society.