We could never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world” (Hellen Keller). How far do you agree with this quote? In what way is our happiness linked to our ability to overcome obstacles in life?

Happiness and hardship are intrinsically linked, as Hellen Keller once stated that if there were only joy in the world, patience and bravery would never be learnt. This essay hereby explains my accordance with this statement.

Perseverance and courage are synonymous with hardship and joy is the result of that. When someone experiences difficulty in their lives, their ability to withstand and persist in the face of it teaches them the lesson of bravery and patience. This makes fulfillment a reward because when someone has the perseverance and the fearlessness to take risks and overcome their trials, joy becomes something meaningful and worthy of protection.

But what happens when there is only joy in life? It makes that feeling redundant. Because of an easy, blissful life, when people are thrown into hot water they cannot comprehend the patience and bravery it takes to pull themselves out of it, therefore unable to understand how precious and rare happiness could be. If patience and bravery are the results of overcoming difficulty, then philosophers only believe in joy if it comes after a long period of suffering. Therefore if there was only joy in the world, no one would be able to withstand life’s trials.

In summary, if there were only happiness in the world, patience, bravery and the process of learning it

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Happiness and hardship are intrinsically linked" -> "Happiness and hardship are inherently interconnected"
Explanation: The term "inherently interconnected" provides a more precise and formal expression, enhancing the academic tone of the statement.
"Hellen Keller once stated" -> "Helen Keller once remarked"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling of "Hellen" to "Helen" and replacing "stated" with "remarked" refines the formality and accuracy of the reference.
"This essay hereby explains my accordance with this statement." -> "This essay will elucidate my agreement with this assertion."
Explanation: "Will elucidate" is more formal than "explains," and "assertion" is more precise than "statement," aligning better with academic style.
"Perseverance and courage are synonymous with hardship and joy is the result of that." -> "Perseverance and courage are inextricably linked with hardship, and joy is a consequence of this relationship."
Explanation: "Inextricably linked" and "consequence" provide a more precise and formal expression, enhancing the academic tone.
"When someone experiences difficulty in their lives" -> "When individuals encounter challenges in their lives"
Explanation: "Individuals" is a more formal term than "someone," and "encounter challenges" is a more precise and formal way to describe difficulties.
"makes fulfillment a reward" -> "renders fulfillment a reward"
Explanation: "Renders" is a more formal verb choice than "makes," fitting better in an academic context.
"It makes that feeling redundant" -> "It renders that feeling redundant"
Explanation: "Renders" is more formal and precise than "makes," aligning with the academic style.
"Because of an easy, blissful life" -> "Due to a life of ease and bliss"
Explanation: "Due to a life of ease and bliss" is more formal and avoids the colloquial tone of "because of an easy, blissful life."
"when people are thrown into hot water" -> "when individuals are faced with adversity"
Explanation: "Faced with adversity" is a more formal and precise way to describe challenges, replacing the colloquial "thrown into hot water."
"they cannot comprehend the patience and bravery it takes" -> "they lack the capacity to understand the patience and bravery required"
Explanation: "Lack the capacity to understand" is more formal and precise than "cannot comprehend," and "required" is more formal than "it takes."
"philosophers only believe in joy if it comes after a long period of suffering" -> "philosophers only consider joy meaningful if it follows a prolonged period of adversity"
Explanation: "Consider meaningful" and "prolonged period of adversity" are more precise and formal, enhancing the academic tone.
"no one would be able to withstand life’s trials" -> "no one would be able to endure life’s challenges"
Explanation: "Endure" and "challenges" are more formal and precise than "withstand" and "trials," respectively, fitting better in an academic context.
"the process of learning it" -> "the process of acquiring these qualities"
Explanation: "Acquiring these qualities" is more specific and formal than "learning it," which is vague and informal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the first part of the prompt by agreeing with Hellen Keller’s quote, suggesting that bravery and patience are learned through hardship. However, the second part of the question, which asks about the link between happiness and the ability to overcome obstacles, is not thoroughly explored. The essay briefly mentions that joy is a result of overcoming difficulties but fails to provide a comprehensive analysis or examples to illustrate this connection.
- How to improve: To better address all elements of the question, the writer should explicitly discuss how happiness is influenced by overcoming obstacles. This could involve providing specific examples of situations where individuals have found happiness after facing challenges, thereby illustrating the relationship between joy and resilience.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position in agreement with Keller’s quote. However, the position could be more consistently reinforced throughout the essay. For instance, while the writer states that joy is meaningful when it follows hardship, the argument lacks depth and clarity in explaining why this is the case. The concluding sentence is incomplete and leaves the reader without a strong final impression of the writer’s stance.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should ensure that each paragraph directly supports their main argument. Additionally, a strong conclusion that summarizes the key points and reiterates the main position would enhance clarity and coherence.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas about the relationship between hardship and the development of bravery and patience. However, these ideas are not sufficiently extended or supported with examples or evidence. For instance, the assertion that joy becomes meaningful through perseverance is made without elaboration or real-life examples that could strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: To effectively present and support ideas, the writer should include specific examples or anecdotes that illustrate how individuals have learned bravery and patience through hardship. Additionally, expanding on each point with further explanation and analysis would provide a more robust argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the themes of happiness, bravery, and hardship. However, there are moments where the argument becomes somewhat convoluted, particularly in the discussion about joy becoming redundant. This could confuse readers and detracts from the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the writer should ensure that each point made directly relates back to the prompt. Clear transitions between ideas and a logical flow of argumentation will help keep the essay on topic and enhance overall coherence.

In summary, to improve the essay and potentially raise the band score, the writer should aim to thoroughly address all parts of the prompt, maintain a clear and consistent position, extend and support ideas with examples, and ensure that the discussion remains focused and relevant to the topic. Additionally, completing the conclusion with a strong summary of the main points would provide a more satisfying closure to the argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument that aligns with the prompt, effectively discussing the relationship between happiness and overcoming obstacles. The introduction succinctly states the writer’s position, and the body paragraphs logically follow this stance. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses how hardship fosters bravery and patience, while the second body paragraph explores the implications of a life devoid of challenges. This logical progression enhances the reader’s understanding of the argument.
- How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences for each paragraph that directly relate back to the thesis statement. This will help guide the reader through the argument more effectively. Additionally, integrating transitional phrases between paragraphs can improve the flow of ideas, making the connections between points more explicit.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is structured into distinct paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The first paragraph introduces the main idea, while the subsequent paragraphs delve deeper into the implications of the quote. However, the final paragraph appears to be incomplete, which disrupts the overall structure and leaves the reader wanting a more conclusive ending.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph is fully developed and concludes with a summarizing statement that reinforces the main argument. The final paragraph should summarize the key points discussed and restate the thesis in light of the arguments presented. This will provide a more satisfying closure to the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "when," "therefore," and "but," to connect ideas within and between sentences. These devices help clarify relationships between concepts, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, which can make the writing feel repetitive at times.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "in addition," "on the other hand," "furthermore," and "consequently." This will not only enhance the flow of the essay but also demonstrate a more sophisticated command of language. Additionally, varying sentence structures can help maintain reader engagement and improve the overall cohesiveness of the essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion with a clear argument and logical organization, improvements can be made in the areas of paragraph development and the diversity of cohesive devices used. By addressing these aspects, the essay can achieve an even higher level of clarity and sophistication.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with terms like "perseverance," "courage," "hardship," and "fulfillment" effectively conveying complex ideas. Phrases such as "thrown into hot water" and "meaningful and worthy of protection" show an ability to use idiomatic expressions and collocations appropriately. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be expanded further. For example, the term "joy" is repeated multiple times without variation, which could lead to redundancy.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider using synonyms or related terms to avoid repetition. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "joy," alternatives like "happiness," "contentment," or "bliss" could be employed. Additionally, incorporating more advanced vocabulary related to the themes of the essay, such as "resilience" or "adversity," could further enrich the language used.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are areas where precision could be improved. For instance, the phrase "joy is the result of that" could be more clearly articulated. It implies a direct causation that may not be universally accepted. The expression "philosophers only believe in joy if it comes after a long period of suffering" is also vague and could be misinterpreted.
- How to improve: To improve precision, clarify statements by providing context or examples. For example, instead of saying "joy is the result of that," you could specify that "joy often emerges as a profound appreciation following periods of struggle." This not only enhances clarity but also demonstrates a deeper understanding of the relationship between happiness and hardship.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay shows a good level of spelling accuracy, with no glaring errors present in the text. Words like "perseverance," "courage," and "hardship" are spelled correctly, indicating a solid grasp of spelling conventions. However, the phrase "therefore if there was only joy in the world" should use "were" instead of "was" to maintain subjunctive mood, which is a common grammatical structure in hypothetical statements.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy and grammatical correctness, it is advisable to proofread the essay carefully, focusing on common grammatical structures. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or engaging in peer reviews can help identify subtle errors that may be overlooked during writing.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in terms of range, precision, and grammatical accuracy. By diversifying vocabulary, clarifying statements, and ensuring grammatical correctness, the writer can elevate their lexical resource score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. For instance, the use of complex sentences such as "When someone experiences difficulty in their lives, their ability to withstand and persist in the face of it teaches them the lesson of bravery and patience" showcases the writer’s ability to convey intricate ideas effectively. Additionally, the essay includes some compound sentences, which help in maintaining a flow of ideas. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the use of "when someone" and "if there were," which could limit the overall range.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, the writer could incorporate more varied introductory phrases, use passive voice where appropriate, and experiment with different conjunctions. For example, instead of repeatedly starting sentences with "when," the writer could use phrases like "In situations where" or "During times of." This would enhance the complexity and interest of the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with only a few minor errors. For instance, the phrase "therefore unable to understand how precious and rare happiness could be" could be more clearly punctuated, as it is a dependent clause that follows an independent clause. The use of commas is inconsistent; for example, a comma is needed before "therefore" in that context. Additionally, the phrase "if there were only joy in the world" is correctly used in the subjunctive mood, demonstrating a good grasp of grammatical rules.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in complex sentences. A thorough review of dependent and independent clauses could also be beneficial. Practicing sentence combining and breaking down complex sentences into simpler ones may help clarify meaning and improve punctuation use. Furthermore, proofreading for common grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement and tense consistency, would strengthen the overall accuracy of the writing.

In summary, while the essay displays a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and refining punctuation practices. By addressing these areas, the writer can enhance the clarity and sophistication of their writing, potentially achieving a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Happiness and hardship are intrinsically linked, as Helen Keller once stated that if there were only joy in the world, patience and bravery would never be learned. This essay hereby explains my agreement with this statement.

Perseverance and courage are synonymous with hardship, and joy is the result of that. When someone experiences difficulty in their lives, their ability to withstand and persist in the face of it teaches them the lessons of bravery and patience. This makes fulfillment a reward because when someone has the perseverance and the fearlessness to take risks and overcome their trials, joy becomes something meaningful and worthy of protection.

But what happens when there is only joy in life? It renders that feeling redundant. Due to an easy, blissful life, when people are thrown into hot water, they cannot comprehend the patience and bravery it takes to pull themselves out of it; therefore, they are unable to understand how precious and rare happiness could be. If patience and bravery are the results of overcoming difficulty, then philosophers only consider joy meaningful if it follows a prolonged period of adversity. Therefore, if there were only joy in the world, no one would be able to withstand life’s trials.

In summary, if there were only happiness in the world, patience, bravery, and the process of acquiring these qualities would never be realized.