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we would ban all forms of corporal punishment of children in vietnam

we would ban all forms of corporal punishment of children in vietnam

"It should not inflict pain to be a child, as highlighted in a report by the End Corporal Punishment organization, revealing that 60% of Vietnamese children experience physical and psychological trauma due to corporal punishment by parents and teachers, supposedly in the name of education.

These atrocities manifest in various forms, including slapping, spanking, and even the use of hard objects like broomsticks or belts. In educational settings, punishment may involve making a student face a wall, hold up a water bucket, or be subjected to a time-out. We firmly believe that children, being innocent, vulnerable, and fragile, should not bear the physical and emotional burdens imposed by such punishments.

Therefore, as the proposition team, we advocate for a ban on all forms of corporal punishment for children in Vietnam. Our proposed policy involves imposing fines and providing educational lectures for first-time violators to prevent recurrences. For repeated offenses, we suggest progressively increasing fines, and in cases of persistent or worsening situations, the court should revoke child custody.

To raise awareness and counter the societal tolerance of corporal punishment, we will actively promote this new policy through mass media and support children's rights organizations. Our arguments revolve around four key claims: first, emphasizing children's rights; second, highlighting the uneducational nature of corporal punishment; third, addressing the harm inflicted; and fourth, considering the long-term impacts.

Let's delve into the first claim – children's rights. Article 19 of the Convention on the Rights of the Child mandates that governments ensure protection from all forms of physical and mental violence, injury, abuse, neglect, and exploitation. Even in the best-case scenario, where physical and mental harm is minimal, adults are still infringing on a child's right to immunity from violence, as stated in Article 19, and their bodily autonomy. Additionally, corporal punishment causes physical and psychological damage, contradicting the convention's principles.

Moving on to the second claim, corporal punishment's uneducational nature. It relies on fear and the threat of violence to enforce change. Under such scrutiny, children struggle to comprehend lessons, leading to undesirable consequences. Children may resort to lying and covering up their misbehaviors, fostering dishonesty rather than personal growth.

In conclusion, corporal punishment is ineffective and detrimental to a child's well-being. We challenge opposing views to demonstrate how it contributes positively to education. Thank you for your attention."


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It should not inflict pain to be a child" -> "Children should not endure pain"
    Explanation: The original sentence is awkward and lacks clarity. The suggested alternative maintains the focus on children and rephrases the statement for better flow.

  2. "60% of Vietnamese children experience physical and psychological trauma" -> "60% of Vietnamese children suffer physical and psychological trauma"
    Explanation: The term "experience" can be vague, and "suffer" is a more precise term that aligns with the seriousness of the issue.

  3. "supposedly in the name of education" -> "ostensibly for the sake of education"
    Explanation: The term "supposedly" may introduce an element of doubt. The alternative phrase "ostensibly for the sake of education" is more formal and conveys a sense of purported justification.

  4. "These atrocities manifest in various forms" -> "These acts manifest in various forms"
    Explanation: The word "atrocities" has a strong emotional connotation that may be too intense for academic writing. Replacing it with "acts" maintains the seriousness of the issue without excessive emotional language.

  5. "slapping, spanking, and even the use of hard objects like broomsticks or belts" -> "slapping, spanking, and the utilization of hard objects such as broomsticks or belts"
    Explanation: The phrase "the use of" is replaced with "the utilization of" for a more formal tone without sacrificing clarity.

  6. "punishment may involve making a student face a wall" -> "punishment may entail having a student face a wall"
    Explanation: The word "involve" is substituted with "entail" for a more precise and formal expression.

  7. "children, being innocent, vulnerable, and fragile" -> "children, inherently innocent and vulnerable"
    Explanation: The original phrasing is redundant. The revised version streamlines the description for conciseness and clarity.

  8. "proposition team" -> "advocacy team"
    Explanation: The term "proposition team" may sound informal. "Advocacy team" better communicates the formal and serious nature of the group.

  9. "imposing fines and providing educational lectures" -> "levying fines and offering educational lectures"
    Explanation: The term "imposing" is replaced with "levying" for a more formal expression. The change maintains the sense of enforcement while using a more academically appropriate term.

  10. "cases of persistent or worsening situations" -> "instances of persistent or worsening circumstances"
    Explanation: The term "situations" is replaced with "circumstances" for a more formal and precise description.

  11. "counter the societal tolerance" -> "counteract societal tolerance"
    Explanation: The term "counter" is modified to "counteract" for a more sophisticated and formal expression.

  12. "revolve around four key claims" -> "center on four key claims"
    Explanation: The term "revolve around" is replaced with "center on" for a more formal and precise expression.

  13. "Let’s delve into the first claim" -> "Let us delve into the first claim"
    Explanation: Contractions like "Let’s" are avoided in academic writing for a more formal tone. The alternative maintains a conversational style without contractions.

  14. "Article 19 of the Convention on the Rights of the Child mandates" -> "Article 19 of the Convention on the Rights of the Child stipulates"
    Explanation: The term "mandates" is replaced with "stipulates" for a more formal and precise description of the legal provision.

  15. "Even in the best-case scenario" -> "Even under optimal circumstances"
    Explanation: The phrase "best-case scenario" is replaced with "under optimal circumstances" for a more formal and precise expression.

  16. "adults are still infringing on a child’s right" -> "adults are still violating a child’s right"
    Explanation: The term "infringing on" is replaced with "violating" for a more direct and formal expression.

  17. "Moving on to the second claim" -> "Transitioning to the second claim"
    Explanation: The phrase "Moving on to" is replaced with "Transitioning to" for a smoother and more formal transition between points.

  18. "corporal punishment’s uneducational nature" -> "the non-educational nature of corporal punishment"
    Explanation: The possessive form "corporal punishment’s" is replaced with "the" for a more formal and precise description of the nature of corporal punishment.

  19. "In conclusion" -> "To conclude"
    Explanation: "In conclusion" is a common but slightly informal transition. "To conclude" is a more formal alternative that maintains clarity.

  20. "We challenge opposing views" -> "We challenge contrary viewpoints"
    Explanation: The term "opposing views" is replaced with "contrary viewpoints" for a more formal and sophisticated expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges the issue of corporal punishment in Vietnam, provides relevant statistics, and presents a comprehensive proposal for a ban. The reference to the End Corporal Punishment organization and the mention of the specific forms of punishment enhance the depth of the response.
    • How to improve: While the essay covers all aspects well, it could benefit from explicitly connecting the proposed policy to the specific context of Vietnam. Providing examples or statistics specific to the country would strengthen the argument further.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout. The stance against corporal punishment is evident from the introduction to the conclusion. The use of phrases like "we firmly believe" and "as the proposition team" reinforces the clarity of the position.
    • How to improve: To further enhance clarity, consider explicitly stating the position in the introduction and conclusion. This ensures that the reader is immediately aware of the essay’s stance.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The ideas in the essay are well-presented, extended, and supported. Each key claim is thoroughly explained, with supporting evidence and logical connections. The use of the Convention on the Rights of the Child adds depth and credibility to the argument.
    • How to improve: While the ideas are well-developed, the essay could benefit from including more specific examples or case studies related to the impact of corporal punishment on children in Vietnam. This would make the argument more compelling.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay consistently stays on topic, addressing the issue of corporal punishment and the proposed ban. There are no significant deviations from the main theme, and each paragraph contributes to the overall argument.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen the focus, ensure that each example or claim directly relates to the specific context of Vietnam. This helps in maintaining relevance to the prompt.

In conclusion, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively addresses each aspect of the task response criteria. To enhance the response, consider providing more context-specific evidence and explicitly stating the position in the introduction and conclusion. Overall, it is a well-structured and coherent essay deserving of its Band Score of 8.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a strong sense of logical organization. The introduction sets the stage by providing relevant statistics and a clear stance on corporal punishment. The body paragraphs follow a coherent structure, addressing key claims one by one. The conclusion neatly summarizes the main points and reinforces the essay’s position.
    • How to improve: While the logical organization is effective, consider ensuring a smoother transition between paragraphs. Connect ideas more explicitly to enhance the overall flow.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs paragraphs to organize information. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, contributing to the overall clarity. Topic sentences are generally clear, guiding the reader through the essay.
    • How to improve: Pay attention to the length of paragraphs. Some paragraphs are quite long, and breaking them down into smaller ones could enhance readability and make the text more digestible for the reader.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas, including transitional phrases like "moving on to," "in conclusion," and "thank you for your attention." Additionally, pronouns and cohesive conjunctions contribute to the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: While the essay already utilizes cohesive devices effectively, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases to further enhance the flow. For example, the use of more diverse conjunctions and synonyms could add nuance and sophistication to the writing.

In summary, the essay excels in logical organization, effective paragraphing, and the use of cohesive devices. To improve, focus on creating smoother transitions between paragraphs, breaking down lengthy paragraphs for better readability, and diversifying the range of cohesive devices used. These enhancements will contribute to an even more polished and cohesive essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. It effectively employs terms related to the topic, such as "corporal punishment," "physical and psychological trauma," and "child custody." However, there’s room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary further to enhance the richness of expression.
    • How to improve: To elevate the lexical resource, consider incorporating more varied synonyms and exploring nuanced expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "corporal punishment," diversify with terms like "physical discipline" or "disciplinary measures." This will contribute to a more dynamic and sophisticated vocabulary.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary precisely, but there are instances where certain terms could be more specific. For example, when discussing the proposed policy, terms like "progressively increasing fines" could be replaced with more exact figures or percentages to enhance clarity.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, provide specific details and figures where applicable. Instead of using general terms like "progressively increasing fines," specify the exact increments or percentages. This will make the proposal more concrete and tangible for the reader.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The spelling accuracy is generally sound throughout the essay. However, there are a few minor errors, such as "uneducational," which should be "non-educational" or "ineffective." While these errors are infrequent, they impact the overall impression of precision.
    • How to improve: Continue maintaining a high level of spelling accuracy. Consider using tools like spell-check to catch minor errors. Additionally, proofread the essay carefully to ensure consistency and correctness. Developing a habit of revising work before submission can contribute to overall spelling improvement.

In summary, the essay exhibits a solid understanding of the topic and effectively conveys the arguments. To improve the lexical resource, focus on expanding vocabulary, enhancing precision, and maintaining a consistent level of correct spelling. This will contribute to a more nuanced and polished expression of ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a commendable variety of sentence structures, such as complex sentences, compound sentences, and rhetorical questions. For instance, the essay effectively employs complex sentences when discussing the different forms of corporal punishment and their impact. The use of rhetorical questions, such as "We challenge opposing views to demonstrate how it contributes positively to education," adds a persuasive element to the conclusion.
    • How to improve: While the essay generally demonstrates a good range of structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures within paragraphs to enhance coherence and fluidity. Introduce parallel structures and varied clause structures to further diversify the expression of ideas.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a high level of grammatical accuracy throughout. There are very few grammatical errors, and the use of punctuation, including commas, semicolons, and colons, is consistently appropriate. For instance, the correct placement of commas in the sentence "Our proposed policy involves imposing fines and providing educational lectures for first-time violators to prevent recurrences" contributes to the clarity of the message.
    • How to improve: While the grammatical accuracy is strong, pay attention to minor issues such as the consistent use of articles (e.g., "a child’s well-being" instead of "the child’s well-being"). Additionally, consider varying sentence lengths to maintain reader engagement and avoid monotony.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a sophisticated command of grammatical structures and punctuation conventions. The recommendations for improvement are minor and focus on further refining an already proficient use of language.

Bài sửa mẫu

“It should not be a part of childhood to endure pain, a fact underscored by a report from the End Corporal Punishment organization. Shockingly, 60% of Vietnamese children undergo physical and psychological trauma due to corporal punishment by parents and teachers, ostensibly in the name of education.

These acts manifest in various forms, encompassing slapping, spanking, and even the use of harsh objects like broomsticks or belts. In educational settings, punishment may involve making a student face a wall, hold up a water bucket, or endure a time-out. We firmly believe that children, inherently innocent, vulnerable, and delicate, should not shoulder the physical and emotional burdens imposed by such punishments.

Therefore, as the advocacy team, we propose a ban on all forms of corporal punishment for children in Vietnam. Our suggested policy involves imposing fines and providing educational lectures for first-time violators to prevent recurrences. For repeated offenses, we recommend progressively increasing fines, and in cases of persistent or worsening situations, the court should revoke child custody.

To raise awareness and counteract societal tolerance of corporal punishment, we will actively promote this new policy through mass media and support children’s rights organizations. Our arguments center on four key claims: first, emphasizing children’s rights; second, highlighting the non-educational nature of corporal punishment; third, addressing the harm inflicted; and fourth, considering the long-term impacts.

Let’s delve into the first claim – children’s rights. Article 19 of the Convention on the Rights of the Child stipulates that governments must ensure protection from all forms of physical and mental violence, injury, abuse, neglect, and exploitation. Even under optimal circumstances, where physical and mental harm is minimal, adults are still violating a child’s right to immunity from violence, as stated in Article 19, and their bodily autonomy. Additionally, corporal punishment causes physical and psychological damage, contradicting the convention’s principles.

Transitioning to the second claim, the non-educational nature of corporal punishment. It relies on fear and the threat of violence to enforce change. Under such scrutiny, children struggle to comprehend lessons, leading to undesirable consequences. Children may resort to lying and covering up their misbehaviors, fostering dishonesty rather than personal growth.

To conclude, corporal punishment is ineffective and detrimental to a child’s well-being. We challenge contrary viewpoints to demonstrate how it contributes positively to education. Thank you for your attention.”

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