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we would ban all forms of corporal punishment of children in vietnam

we would ban all forms of corporal punishment of children in vietnam

Firstly, I'd like to address some counterarguments. You mentioned that corporal punishments may infringe on children's rights. However, it is not evident how you demonstrate that banning them will effectively address this issue. Additionally, claiming that all forms of punishment inflict on children's rights requires further substantiation.

Let's delve into framing both sides of the debate. The most extreme forms of punishment are classified as abuse, which is already banned and enforced through mechanisms like the child support system, criminal justice system, and periodic health reports of children. Our goal is to prove how the proposed ban could reduce the ability of existing structures to prevent abuse.

Now, let's discuss the argument that this ban is ineffective, damaging, and worsens child abuse on three main layers. Firstly, it could dramatically reduce the ability to detect and intervene in instances of child abuse. Children may be less likely to report due to heightened threats from their parents, who may manipulate them into not reporting for fear of being framed as criminals. The normalization of corporal punishment in Vietnamese culture makes criminalizing it a challenge.

Secondly, it may worsen child abuse, making it easier to escalate to verbal and psychological abuse. The threshold for abusive behavior could drop, leading to an increase in instances of abuse. Those currently against child abuse might become less vigilant.

Thirdly, the ban could be damaging, irrespective of enforcement mechanisms. Wealthier parents may feel little to no pressure, while poorer parents may struggle to provide education and food. Placing blame on the children becomes a coping mechanism for some parents, making them less likely to be reported. Simply imposing fines or lectures does not address these underlying issues and could exacerbate the problem.

Instead of an outright ban, alternatives such as mass media campaigns, improved education, and quality discussions on the topic could be explored. These alternatives could address the issue without separating children from loving parents or causing unnecessary stress on the foster care system.

In conclusion, the proposal to ban all forms of corporal punishment in Vietnam may not effectively address the complexities of child abuse. Exploring alternative approaches, as discussed, could lead to more comprehensive and sustainable solutions. Thank you.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Firstly, I’d like to address some counterarguments." -> "First, I would like to address some counterarguments."
    Explanation: Replacing the informal "Firstly, I’d like to" with "First, I would like to" maintains a more formal tone suitable for academic writing.

  2. "Let’s delve into framing both sides of the debate." -> "Let’s explore framing both sides of the debate."
    Explanation: The term "delve into" is slightly informal; replacing it with "explore" maintains formality without sacrificing clarity.

  3. "Our goal is to prove how the proposed ban could reduce the ability of existing structures to prevent abuse." -> "Our objective is to demonstrate how the proposed ban could undermine the effectiveness of existing structures in preventing abuse."
    Explanation: Substituting "prove" with "demonstrate" and rephrasing to emphasize the objective enhances the precision and formality of the statement.

  4. "Now, let’s discuss the argument that this ban is ineffective, damaging, and worsens child abuse on three main layers." -> "Now, let’s examine the argument that this ban is ineffective, detrimental, and exacerbates child abuse on three primary levels."
    Explanation: Replacing "discuss" with "examine" and choosing more precise terms like "detrimental" and "exacerbates" elevates the academic tone of the sentence.

  5. "Firstly, it could dramatically reduce the ability to detect and intervene in instances of child abuse." -> "First, it could significantly diminish the capacity to detect and intervene in instances of child abuse."
    Explanation: Replacing "dramatically reduce" with "significantly diminish" adds nuance and formality to the expression.

  6. "The normalization of corporal punishment in Vietnamese culture makes criminalizing it a challenge." -> "The acceptance of corporal punishment in Vietnamese culture complicates its criminalization."
    Explanation: Substituting "normalization" with "acceptance" and rephrasing enhances precision and formality.

  7. "Wealthier parents may feel little to no pressure, while poorer parents may struggle to provide education and food." -> "Affluent parents may experience minimal pressure, whereas economically disadvantaged parents may face challenges in affording education and adequate nutrition."
    Explanation: Substituting "wealthier" with "affluent" and providing a more detailed description improves the academic tone.

  8. "Placing blame on the children becomes a coping mechanism for some parents, making them less likely to be reported." -> "Attributing blame to the children becomes a coping mechanism for some parents, reducing the likelihood of reporting."
    Explanation: Replacing "placing blame" with "attributing blame" and refining the phrasing enhances precision and formality.

  9. "Simply imposing fines or lectures does not address these underlying issues and could exacerbate the problem." -> "Merely imposing fines or lectures fails to address these underlying issues and may exacerbate the problem."
    Explanation: Substituting "simply" with "merely" and refining the phrasing improves formality while maintaining clarity.

  10. "In conclusion, the proposal to ban all forms of corporal punishment in Vietnam may not effectively address the complexities of child abuse." -> "In conclusion, the proposition to prohibit all forms of corporal punishment in Vietnam may not adequately address the complexities of child abuse."
    Explanation: Replacing "proposal" with "proposition" and "effectively" with "adequately" contributes to a more formal and precise expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay acknowledges and addresses various aspects of the prompt, including counterarguments, different layers of the debate, and alternative solutions. However, the essay could be more explicit in directly linking the ban to addressing children’s rights. A more direct exploration of how the ban addresses the infringement on children’s rights would strengthen this aspect.
    • How to improve: Explicitly connect the proposed ban to the protection of children’s rights. Provide concrete examples or evidence to support the claim that banning corporal punishment effectively addresses the issue of violating children’s rights.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a generally clear position against an outright ban on corporal punishment. The stance is consistent and supported throughout the essay with detailed arguments and counterarguments.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, explicitly state the position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. This will ensure that the reader is unmistakably aware of the author’s stance from the outset.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. It delves into counterarguments, frames both sides of the debate, and provides detailed layers of analysis, supporting claims with examples and reasoning.
    • How to improve: Continue to elaborate on specific examples and evidence. Use more concrete instances to illustrate points, making the analysis more vivid and convincing.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic, addressing the ban on corporal punishment and its potential consequences. However, at times, the discussion veers into broader issues of child abuse, which, while related, may distract from the main focus.
    • How to improve: Maintain a more direct focus on the proposed ban. When discussing related issues like child abuse, ensure a clear connection to the central theme of corporal punishment. This will enhance the essay’s coherence and relevance to the prompt.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt, offering a nuanced discussion with well-supported arguments. To improve, the author should work on explicit connections, clarity in stating the position, using more concrete examples, and ensuring a consistent focus on the main topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable level of logical organization. Counterarguments are addressed upfront, followed by a systematic exploration of the debate. The essay maintains a clear focus on presenting arguments in a coherent manner. The use of transitional phrases contributes to the overall flow.
    • How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider providing more explicit signposts between sections. For instance, explicitly signaling transitions between counterarguments and supporting points can strengthen the essay’s overall coherence.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: Paragraphs are generally well-structured, with each focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. There is a clear introduction and conclusion, and paragraphs are appropriately developed to support the main ideas.
    • How to improve: While the overall paragraph structure is effective, ensure that each paragraph maintains unity and coherence within itself. Some paragraphs could benefit from a more explicit topic sentence to guide the reader.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs cohesive devices, including transitional words and phrases. These help connect ideas and guide the reader through the argumentative structure. Examples include "Firstly," "Now, let’s discuss," and "Instead of."
    • How to improve: While cohesive devices are generally well-utilized, consider expanding the range of connectives. Introduce a variety of cohesive devices beyond simple transitional phrases, such as pronouns or parallel structures, to add richness and variety to the essay’s cohesion.

In summary, the essay demonstrates strong coherence and cohesion, earning a Band Score of 7. To improve further, focus on providing explicit signposts, ensuring paragraph unity, and diversifying the range of cohesive devices. This will contribute to an even more effective and polished essay structure.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. It employs a variety of terms related to the topic, but there is room for improvement in the diversity and sophistication of word choices. For instance, the repeated use of the term "child abuse" could be diversified with more specific terms or synonyms.
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider incorporating more nuanced and varied terms related to child discipline and abuse. Replace repeated phrases with synonyms or explore alternative expressions to avoid redundancy. For instance, instead of consistently using "child abuse," you could employ terms like "maltreatment," "mistreatment," or "child maltreatment."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with precision. However, in some instances, the language could be more specific. For example, when discussing the proposed ban, terms like "ineffective" and "damaging" could benefit from more precise language to convey the exact nature of the problems.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, consider substituting broad terms with more specific ones. Instead of "ineffective," use words like "inefficient" or "counterproductive." Similarly, replace "damaging" with terms such as "harmful" or "detrimental." This will provide a clearer and more nuanced expression of your ideas.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a high level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances where small errors, such as the misspelling of "maltreatment" as "malreatment," are present. While these errors do not significantly hinder understanding, they slightly detract from the overall polish of the writing.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider proofreading the essay more thoroughly, paying close attention to specific terms. Additionally, utilizing spelling and grammar check tools can be beneficial in catching minor errors. Developing a habit of careful proofreading will contribute to a higher level of precision in written expression.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary, with room for improvement in both range and precision. Attention to detail in spelling will further enhance the overall quality of the written expression.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a commendable variety of sentence structures, ranging from complex sentences to compound and simple structures. This variety contributes to the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay. For instance, the author effectively uses complex sentences when delving into the potential consequences of the ban, enhancing the depth of analysis.
    • How to improve: To further enhance the richness of sentence structures, consider incorporating more compound-complex sentences. These can add additional layers of complexity to your analysis, especially when presenting intricate arguments. Additionally, be mindful of sentence length; occasionally, overly lengthy sentences may hinder clarity. Aim for a balance between complexity and clarity.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation. The sentences are well-structured, and grammatical errors are minimal. Notably, the correct use of commas, semi-colons, and conjunctions contributes to the overall coherence of the essay. For example, the author effectively employs commas to indicate pauses and separate items in a list.
    • How to improve: While the essay is grammatically sound, be cautious about the occasional use of complex sentence structures. Ensure that the relationships between clauses are clear, avoiding potential confusion. Also, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, as small errors can impact overall grammatical accuracy. Regular proofreading can help identify and rectify such minor issues.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a strong grasp of grammatical range and accuracy, earning a Band Score of 7. To further improve, focus on incorporating a slightly broader range of sentence structures, with attention to balance and clarity. Additionally, maintain vigilance in minor grammatical details through thorough proofreading.

Bài sửa mẫu

Firstly, I’d like to address some counterarguments. You mentioned that corporal punishments may infringe on children’s rights. However, it is not evident how you demonstrate that banning them will effectively address this issue. Additionally, claiming that all forms of punishment inflict on children’s rights requires further substantiation.

Let’s explore framing both sides of the debate. The most extreme forms of punishment are classified as abuse, which is already banned and enforced through mechanisms like the child support system, criminal justice system, and periodic health reports of children. Our objective is to demonstrate how the proposed ban could undermine the effectiveness of existing structures in preventing abuse.

Now, let’s examine the argument that this ban is ineffective, detrimental, and exacerbates child abuse on three primary levels. First, it could significantly diminish the capacity to detect and intervene in instances of child abuse. Children may be less likely to report due to heightened threats from their parents, who may manipulate them into not reporting for fear of being framed as criminals. The acceptance of corporal punishment in Vietnamese culture complicates its criminalization.

Secondly, it may worsen child abuse, making it easier to escalate to verbal and psychological abuse. The threshold for abusive behavior could drop, leading to an increase in instances of abuse. Those currently against child abuse might become less vigilant.

Thirdly, the ban could be damaging, irrespective of enforcement mechanisms. Wealthier parents may feel little to no pressure, while poorer parents may struggle to provide education and food. Attributing blame to the children becomes a coping mechanism for some parents, reducing the likelihood of reporting. Merely imposing fines or lectures fails to address these underlying issues and may exacerbate the problem.

Instead of an outright ban, alternatives such as mass media campaigns, improved education, and quality discussions on the topic could be explored. These alternatives could address the issue without separating children from loving parents or causing unnecessary stress on the foster care system.

In conclusion, the proposition to prohibit all forms of corporal punishment in Vietnam may not adequately address the complexities of child abuse. Exploring alternative approaches, as discussed, could lead to more comprehensive and sustainable solutions. Thank you.

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