we would ban all forms of corporal punishment of children in vietnam

we would ban all forms of corporal punishment of children in vietnam

it shouldn't hurt to be a child yet a report by the end corporal punishment states that 60% of vietnamese children report being victims of physical and psychological trauma caused by corporal punishment used by parents and teachers in the name of education

the atrocities often take place in the form of slapping, spanking even using hard objects like broomsticks or belts
in a classroom it can be making a student's face to a wall, hold up a water bucket or even put in time out
we believe that children innocent frail and fragile cannot bear all the physical pains and traumas coming from these punishments
therefore we as the proposition team will propose the ban on corporal punishment on children in vietnam
i hereby present our policy firstly by banning any detected violations would result in the following punishments for first-time violations we would make people pay fines and give them educational lectures to prevent relapses and if the offences recur or repeat we will progressively charge heavier fines and if the situation remains unchanged or even get worsened the court shall revoke the child custody secondly in order to promote awareness on the ban to counter the status quo in which society still favors and tolerate corporal punishment we would highlight this new policy on mass media and fun children's rights organizations four main claims in our case first on children's rights secondly on the on the educational at nature of corporal punishments uh thirdly unharmed and fourth on the long-term impacts now i will prove to you why corporal punishment inflicts on children's rights the article 19 of the convention of the rights of of these child stipulates that government should ensure children are protected from all forms of physical and mental violence injury or abuse neglect and exploitation even in the best case scenario of your team where physical and mental harm is not inflicted which rarely happens the adults are still infringing their child's rights on immunity to violence stated in article 19 as well as their bodily autonomy in addition corporal punishments cause physical and psychological damages and because the children never feel comfy comfortable with being punished that directly goes against the convention of the rights as a child our second claim why corporal punishment is uneducational corporal punishment uses fear and the threat of violence to impose change under physical scrutiny the child is unable to comprehend the lesson and what are the consequences of this children will either resort to lying and covering up their missed behaviors which makes them not good people but good liars and either way uh and it will corporal personally would change the child for the worse it is of no good whatsoever which is why we see well why any reason why we should spare this uh corporate punishment and your team might come up here and protect the parents and say things like oh but it's their child they know them they know your their children best and they could choose the form of education that suits them best but you would have to prove to us why it's educational how it's educational in order to prove our case wrong and that's the end of my speech thank you

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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "it shouldn’t hurt to be a child" -> "Children should not endure pain"
    Explanation: The original phrase is too casual. Replacing it with "Children should not endure pain" maintains the message while adopting a more formal tone.

  2. "report by the end corporal punishment" -> "report by the End Corporal Punishment organization"
    Explanation: Adding the organization’s full name provides specificity and formality to the reference.

  3. "vietnamese children" -> "Vietnamese children"
    Explanation: Capitalizing "Vietnamese" adheres to proper noun capitalization rules.

  4. "slapping, spanking even using hard objects" -> "slapping, spanking, or even employing hard objects"
    Explanation: Adding "or" improves the parallel structure, making the sentence more grammatically correct.

  5. "making a student’s face to a wall" -> "forcing a student to face a wall"
    Explanation: The revised phrase is more precise and formal.

  6. "hold up a water bucket" -> "making a student hold up a water bucket"
    Explanation: Clarifying the action and using the active voice enhances formality.

  7. "put in time out" -> "subjected to a time-out"
    Explanation: The change provides a more formal expression.

  8. "innocent frail and fragile" -> "innocent, vulnerable, and fragile"
    Explanation: Adding commas and using a more varied vocabulary improves the formality of the description.

  9. "therefore we as the proposition team" -> "Therefore, as the proposition team"
    Explanation: Adding a comma and restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality.

  10. "ban on corporal punishment on children" -> "ban on corporal punishment for children"
    Explanation: Using "for" instead of "on" is more idiomatic and appropriate.

  11. "make people pay fines" -> "impose fines"
    Explanation: "Impose fines" is a more formal way to express the idea.

  12. "give them educational lectures" -> "provide educational lectures"
    Explanation: "Provide" is a more formal verb choice.

  13. "fun children’s rights organizations" -> "funding children’s rights organizations"
    Explanation: Correcting the typo and using "funding" instead of "fun" makes the sentence coherent and formal.

  14. "claims in our case first on children’s rights" -> "arguments in our case, focusing first on children’s rights"
    Explanation: Expanding and clarifying the sentence structure for better formality.

  15. "on the on the educational at nature" -> "on the educational nature"
    Explanation: Removing redundant words for conciseness and clarity.

  16. "corporal personally would change the child" -> "corporal punishment would adversely affect the child"
    Explanation: Clarifying the sentence structure and using a more formal expression.

  17. "that’s the end of my speech thank you" -> "In conclusion, I appreciate your attention."
    Explanation: Concluding the essay more formally and expressing gratitude for the audience’s attention.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all aspects of the prompt. It highlights the prevalence of corporal punishment in Vietnam, presents a clear stance in favor of banning it, and outlines specific policy measures to achieve this goal. Relevant statistics and examples are used to support the argument.
    • How to improve: The essay could further enhance its response by explicitly connecting each policy proposal to the essay’s central argument. Providing more concrete examples of how the proposed policies would address the issue will strengthen the overall response.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent and clear position throughout, firmly advocating for the ban on corporal punishment. It effectively emphasizes the vulnerability of children and the violation of their rights, using appropriate language to convey the seriousness of the issue.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, consider using transitional phrases between key points and ensuring that each paragraph contributes to the overall argument. This will help the reader follow the essay’s logical flow more easily.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas clearly but could benefit from a more thorough development of arguments. For instance, the explanation of the proposed policies lacks some depth. While the essay mentions fines and educational lectures, providing more details on how these measures will deter corporal punishment would enhance the essay’s persuasiveness.
    • How to improve: Elaborate on each proposed policy by offering examples or hypothetical scenarios to illustrate their potential effectiveness. Providing more in-depth analysis and support for ideas will bolster the overall quality of the essay.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the prevalence of corporal punishment, proposing a ban, and presenting policy measures. However, some sections lack clarity, and the connection between the claims and the proposed policies could be more explicit.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the central argument. Provide clear transitions between different sections to improve the essay’s overall coherence. Explicitly connect statistics and claims to the proposed policies to reinforce the relevance of each point.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the key elements of the prompt and presents a strong argument, further development of ideas, clarity in transitions, and explicit connections between claims and proposed policies would elevate the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed Explanation: The essay generally follows a logical organization. It starts with an introduction addressing the issue, provides examples of corporal punishment, presents the proposition’s policy, and concludes with a summary. However, there are moments where the flow is disrupted, such as the abrupt transition from discussing punishments to presenting the four main claims. Additionally, the closing statement is somewhat abrupt and lacks a smooth transition.
    • How to Improve: To enhance logical flow, consider structuring the essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs discussing each main claim, and a conclusion that summarizes the key points. Ensure smooth transitions between ideas to guide the reader through the essay more seamlessly.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed Explanation: Paragraphing is present, but the structure is not consistently effective. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas, making it challenging to follow the argument. For instance, the paragraph discussing the proposition’s policy combines multiple points without clear separation. This impacts readability and coherence.
    • How to Improve: Use separate paragraphs for distinct ideas or arguments. Each paragraph should focus on a specific aspect of the argument, making it easier for the reader to follow the progression of ideas. This would improve the overall structure and coherence of the essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed Explanation: Cohesive devices are used to some extent, with attempts to link ideas and arguments. However, there’s room for improvement. The essay lacks variety in cohesive devices, relying heavily on transitional phrases like "firstly," "secondly," and "thirdly." Additionally, some sentences feel disconnected, affecting the overall coherence.
    • How to Improve: Explore a broader range of cohesive devices, including pronouns, conjunctions, and transitional expressions. Ensure that each sentence logically connects to the preceding one, creating a smooth and coherent flow. Vary sentence structures to add complexity and maintain reader engagement.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion, refining the organization, paragraphing, and use of cohesive devices will elevate its clarity and effectiveness. Strive for a more seamless and logically structured presentation of ideas to enhance the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a moderate range of vocabulary. While some terms related to the topic are effectively employed (e.g., "corporal punishment," "psychological trauma"), there is room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary further. The repetition of certain words, such as "punishment," could be addressed for a richer lexical resource.
    • How to improve: To enhance the use of a wide range of vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms and exploring alternative expressions. For instance, instead of frequently using "punishment," experiment with terms like "disciplinary measures" or "corrective actions" to add variety.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally uses imprecise vocabulary, leading to a lack of clarity in conveying ideas. For example, the phrase "end corporal punishment" could be refined for more precision. Additionally, the term "fun children’s rights organizations" appears to be a typographical error or misunderstanding, indicating imprecise language use.
    • How to improve: Aim for clarity and precision by carefully selecting words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Proofread the essay to eliminate typographical errors and ensure accurate word choices. For instance, consider rephrasing the mentioned phrase to "fund children’s rights organizations" for accuracy.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally acceptable, but there are instances of minor errors (e.g., "comfy" instead of "comfortable," "corporate" instead of "corporal"). These errors, while not pervasive, impact the overall impression of the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, proofread the essay meticulously, paying attention to details. Consider using spelling and grammar checking tools to catch any overlooked errors. Additionally, practice spelling commonly used words to build confidence and proficiency in this aspect of language expression.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of sentence structures, including simple and complex sentences. There is an attempt to use different sentence lengths, but some sentences lack complexity. For instance, the use of short sentences in the introduction and the repetition of certain structures affect the overall variety. However, there are instances of effective complex sentences, such as the one explaining the proposed policy.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical range, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures throughout the essay. Mix short and long sentences for rhythm and impact. Vary sentence openings and experiment with different syntactic structures to maintain reader engagement.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of grammatical accuracy, with some errors in subject-verb agreement, word choice, and article usage. For example, "the end corporal punishment" should be "the End Corporal Punishment." Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "the atrocities often take place in the form of slapping, spanking even using hard objects like broomsticks or belts."
    • How to improve: Pay careful attention to sentence structure and word choice to avoid awkward phrasing. Review subject-verb agreement and article usage. Proofread the essay to identify and correct errors in grammar and punctuation. Consider seeking feedback from peers or teachers to refine language usage and ensure clarity.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a commendable use of various sentence structures, there is room for improvement in refining grammatical accuracy and ensuring clarity in expression. Focusing on sentence complexity, careful proofreading, and seeking feedback will contribute to enhancing the overall grammatical range and accuracy of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

“It should not inflict pain to be a child, as highlighted in a report by the End Corporal Punishment organization, revealing that 60% of Vietnamese children experience physical and psychological trauma due to corporal punishment by parents and teachers, supposedly in the name of education.

These atrocities manifest in various forms, including slapping, spanking, and even the use of hard objects like broomsticks or belts. In educational settings, punishment may involve making a student face a wall, hold up a water bucket, or be subjected to a time-out. We firmly believe that children, being innocent, vulnerable, and fragile, should not bear the physical and emotional burdens imposed by such punishments.

Therefore, as the proposition team, we advocate for a ban on all forms of corporal punishment for children in Vietnam. Our proposed policy involves imposing fines and providing educational lectures for first-time violators to prevent recurrences. For repeated offenses, we suggest progressively increasing fines, and in cases of persistent or worsening situations, the court should revoke child custody.

To raise awareness and counter the societal tolerance of corporal punishment, we will actively promote this new policy through mass media and support children’s rights organizations. Our arguments revolve around four key claims: first, emphasizing children’s rights; second, highlighting the uneducational nature of corporal punishment; third, addressing the harm inflicted; and fourth, considering the long-term impacts.

Let’s delve into the first claim – children’s rights. Article 19 of the Convention on the Rights of the Child mandates that governments ensure protection from all forms of physical and mental violence, injury, abuse, neglect, and exploitation. Even in the best-case scenario, where physical and mental harm is minimal, adults are still infringing on a child’s right to immunity from violence, as stated in Article 19, and their bodily autonomy. Additionally, corporal punishment causes physical and psychological damage, contradicting the convention’s principles.

Moving on to the second claim, corporal punishment’s uneducational nature. It relies on fear and the threat of violence to enforce change. Under such scrutiny, children struggle to comprehend lessons, leading to undesirable consequences. Children may resort to lying and covering up their misbehaviors, fostering dishonesty rather than personal growth.

In conclusion, corporal punishment is ineffective and detrimental to a child’s well-being. We challenge opposing views to demonstrate how it contributes positively to education. Thank you for your attention.”

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