What do you think makes people commit acts of violent crime?
Well, there are a variety of incentives. One could be that people are in shortage of money. As a result, they may steal something for people to meet their basic needs in life. Another reason is the infinite greed of some people. They are too lazy to work but want to live a luxurious and glamorous lifestyle, which leads to them involving in illegal acts. Last but not least, there are cases where people have a personal hatred for each other. Therefore, serious crime may result from such revenge and retaliation.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"Well, there are a variety of incentives." -> "There are various motivations."
Explanation: Replacing "Well, there are a variety of incentives" with "There are various motivations" removes the casual introductory phrase and introduces a more straightforward and formal expression.
"One could be that people are in shortage of money." -> "One factor could be financial hardship."
Explanation: Replacing "that people are in shortage of money" with "financial hardship" offers a more precise and formal term for the economic challenges individuals might face.
"As a result, they may steal something for people to meet their basic needs in life." -> "Consequently, some may resort to theft to fulfill their basic life necessities."
Explanation: Substituting "steal something for people" with "resort to theft" and refining the latter part of the sentence enhances clarity and formal expression.
"Another reason is the infinite greed of some people." -> "Another contributing factor is the insatiable greed of certain individuals."
Explanation: Replacing "infinite greed" with "insatiable greed" and rephrasing the sentence elevates the vocabulary and maintains a formal tone.
"They are too lazy to work but want to live a luxurious and glamorous lifestyle, which leads to them involving in illegal acts." -> "Some individuals, disinclined to work, aspire to an extravagant lifestyle, prompting their involvement in unlawful activities."
Explanation: Substituting "too lazy to work" with "disinclined to work" and restructuring the sentence enhances the formality and clarity of expression.
"Last but not least, there are cases where people have a personal hatred for each other." -> "Lastly, instances arise where individuals harbor personal animosity towards one another."
Explanation: Replacing "Last but not least" with "Lastly" and refining "have a personal hatred for each other" with "harbor personal animosity towards one another" maintains a formal tone and precision.
"Therefore, serious crime may result from such revenge and retaliation." -> "Consequently, severe criminal activities may ensue as a consequence of revenge and retaliation."
Explanation: Replacing "may result from" with "may ensue as a consequence of" and refining "such revenge and retaliation" with "revenge and retaliation" contributes to a more formal and academically appropriate expression.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses different incentives behind violent crimes, such as financial difficulties, greed, and personal conflicts. However, the explanation is brief and lacks depth. There is no exploration of psychological or societal factors contributing to violent crimes. The response is underdeveloped and fails to fully address the complexity of the prompt.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should delve deeper into the reasons behind violent crime. Exploring psychological factors, societal influences, and historical perspectives could provide a more comprehensive response. Additionally, supporting each point with relevant examples or data would strengthen the analysis.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a somewhat clear position by attributing violent crime to financial struggles, greed, and personal animosities. However, the lack of a strong thesis statement weakens the overall clarity. Additionally, the essay does not provide a nuanced perspective or consider counterarguments, making the stance somewhat simplistic.
- How to improve: Strengthen the clarity of the position by including a well-defined thesis statement in the introduction. Consider presenting a more nuanced perspective by acknowledging alternative viewpoints and addressing them in the essay. This will enhance the overall argumentative quality.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay briefly introduces three incentives for violent crime but lacks elaboration and examples. Each point is presented superficially without sufficient development. The ideas need more depth, and the essay could benefit from providing evidence or real-life examples to support the claims.
- How to improve: Extend each idea by providing more detailed explanations, examples, or evidence. This will add depth to the essay and make the arguments more convincing. Consider incorporating relevant statistics, case studies, or expert opinions to bolster the support for each incentive.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by addressing incentives for violent crime. However, the explanations are quite brief, and there is a lack of coherence between ideas. The essay could benefit from better organization and transitions between points.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph contributes to the overall argument and maintains a logical flow. Use clear transitions between ideas to enhance coherence. Avoid excessive repetition and ensure that each sentence adds value to the discussion of violent crime incentives.
In summary, while the essay addresses the prompt, it lacks depth, clarity, and adequate support for the presented ideas. Strengthening the thesis statement, expanding on each incentive with examples, considering counterarguments, and improving overall organization will enhance the essay’s quality and better fulfill the task requirements.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a logical organization of ideas. It starts with a general introduction to the various incentives for committing violent crimes, such as financial struggles, greed, and personal animosity. Each reason is presented in a separate sentence, contributing to a clear and easy-to-follow structure. The use of a concluding sentence ties the ideas together and reinforces the essay’s coherence.
- How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider providing more depth to each reason. For instance, expanding on the financial struggles could involve discussing specific economic factors that drive individuals to crime. This would contribute to a more nuanced and comprehensive exploration of the topic.
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks clear paragraph divisions, presenting all ideas in a single paragraph. While the ideas are logically connected, breaking them into paragraphs can improve readability and emphasize the distinct concepts. Effective paragraphing aids in guiding the reader through the essay and enhances overall coherence.
- How to improve: Create distinct paragraphs for each incentive mentioned (financial struggles, greed, personal animosity). Begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence summarizing the main point, followed by supporting details and examples. This will contribute to a more organized and reader-friendly structure.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases like "Well" and "Another reason." However, there is room for improvement in the use of more sophisticated cohesive devices, such as pronouns, conjunctions, or parallel structures. Utilizing these devices can create a smoother flow between ideas and enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: Incorporate a variety of cohesive devices to establish stronger connections between sentences. For example, use pronouns to refer back to previously mentioned concepts, employ conjunctions to show relationships between ideas (e.g., ‘however,’ ‘furthermore’), and ensure parallel structures for parallel ideas. This will create a more cohesive and polished essay.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a fair range of vocabulary, covering the topic adequately. It touches upon the motivations for violent crimes, such as financial desperation, excessive greed, and personal animosity. Some vocabulary choices, however, are relatively common and could benefit from more nuanced expressions. For instance, the repetition of phrases like "basic needs" and "luxurious and glamorous lifestyle" suggests a limited spectrum of lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To enhance the score in this aspect, strive for greater variety in word choice. For example, instead of repeatedly using "basic needs," consider alternatives like fundamental necessities or essential requirements. Additionally, explore synonyms for expressions like "lifestyle," introducing terms such as standard of living or way of life to demonstrate a broader lexical range.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The precision in vocabulary usage is moderate. While the essay effectively communicates the general ideas, there is room for improvement in conveying the nuances of each concept. For instance, the term "infinite greed" might be considered slightly hyperbolic, and the use of "lazy" could be refined for a more accurate representation of individuals who choose illegal activities due to idleness.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, opt for more specific and nuanced terms. Instead of "infinite greed," consider alternatives like insatiable avarice or boundless desire for wealth. Instead of "lazy," use descriptors such as unmotivated or lethargic to provide a clearer understanding of the characteristics leading to criminal behavior.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling accuracy in the essay is generally satisfactory. However, there are a few instances where small errors, such as missing articles (e.g., "for people to meet their basic needs") or awkward phrasing, slightly impact the overall impression. Attention to detail in spelling and sentence structure could enhance the overall coherence.
- How to improve: Practice proofreading meticulously to catch and rectify minor spelling and grammatical errors. Review each sentence for clarity and correctness. In the highlighted example, ensuring the inclusion of articles like "for people to meet their basic needs in life" would contribute to a more polished and grammatically sound expression.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate variety of sentence structures. There is a mix of simple and compound sentences, but more complex structures, such as conditional or complex-compound sentences, are lacking. For example, the repeated use of simple sentences like "One could be that…" and "Another reason is…" limits the diversity of structures.
- How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures. Introduce complex sentences, utilize different sentence beginnings, and experiment with rhetorical devices to make the writing more engaging. For instance, instead of relying solely on cause-and-effect sentences, integrate conditional sentences or rhetorical questions for added complexity.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates fairly accurate grammar and punctuation usage. However, there are instances of grammatical errors, such as the phrase "involve in illegal acts," which should be corrected to "involve themselves in illegal acts." Punctuation is generally used correctly, but attention to detail is needed, as in the sentence "They are too lazy to work but want to live a luxurious and glamorous lifestyle, which leads to them involving in illegal acts," where a comma after "work" could improve clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, carefully proofread the essay to identify and correct errors. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and appropriate word choices. Regarding punctuation, ensure consistent use of commas and consider using punctuation to create more precise and sophisticated sentence structures. Additionally, focus on sentence boundaries to avoid run-on sentences and enhance overall clarity.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of grammatical structures, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and refining grammar and punctuation accuracy. Integrating a more varied and complex range of sentence structures will contribute to a more sophisticated and polished essay. Additionally, meticulous proofreading for grammatical errors and punctuation consistency is crucial to elevate the overall quality of the writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
Certainly, there are various motivations that drive individuals to engage in acts of violent crime. One factor could be financial hardship, where individuals find themselves in a shortage of money. Consequently, some may resort to theft to fulfill their basic life necessities. Another contributing factor is the insatiable greed of certain individuals. Some individuals, disinclined to work, aspire to an extravagant lifestyle, prompting their involvement in unlawful activities. Lastly, instances arise where individuals harbor personal animosity towards one another. Consequently, severe criminal activities may ensue as a consequence of revenge and retaliation.