Why do people have cosmetic surgery to change the way they look? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

People worldwide increasingly opt for cosmetic surgery for appearance alteration, which is believed to have a profound effect on one's destiny and life opportunities. In my opinion, I firmly believe that this development is negative as this beauty method can pose a threat to human's well-being.
Firstly, as individuals increasingly focus on their appearance and social norms determining a biased definition of beauty, cosmetic surgery is born with the hope to fully meet this rising demand. Thanks to this beauty method, those unconfident with their own appearances or possessing unwanted parts in their body are capable of turning into how they want to look like and at the same time keeping up with the current social beauty trends. As a results, they can find it simpler to attract not only more wanted people getting involved in their life but also job opportunities that may positively alter their own career path. In addition, the introduction of surgery on appearance changes also encourages many individuals to strive for their own characteristics and identities. For instance, various members of LGBT+ community ultilized cosmetic surgery nowadays with an aim to seek for a dream life living with their true gender and have better confidence to get over social prejudice over their natural differences.
Nevertheless, though the benefits brought about by cosmetic surgery are insurmountably undeniable, I still contend that this advancement in therapeutics can pose a significant threat to individual's health status. Operating this type of surgery means allowing man-made materials to live inside the body, which can be irrelevant with the genes and formation of the body parts surrounding. This, coupled with the gradual degradation of these materials over time, can deteriorate the structure of the living organs that leads to the inevitable fatalities. Moreover, cosmetic surgery abuse also results in massive blood loss, which may increase the chance of memory loss and lack of focus on inviduals, making life getting much more difficult to enjoy. This is not to mention that many people can look alike to each other if they go to the same beauty institutions or share similar cosmetic surgery requirements, leading to the disapearance of their own instinct beauty and confusion of those observing.
To recapitulate, it seems that cosmetic surgery is increasingly common as it widens access to better living standards for individuals, such as wider career paths, better relationships and dream life attainment. However, this occurence should be regarded as a negative threat to the overall society, mostly owning to its harmful impact on human's health.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"opt for cosmetic surgery" -> "choose to undergo cosmetic surgery"
Explanation: "Choose to undergo" is more formal and precise, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence by specifying the action of undergoing surgery.
"appearance alteration" -> "cosmetic alterations"
Explanation: "Cosmetic alterations" is a more specific and academically appropriate term that directly relates to the context of cosmetic surgery, improving clarity and precision.
"I firmly believe" -> "I strongly believe"
Explanation: "Strongly believe" is a more formal expression commonly used in academic writing, enhancing the tone of conviction without being overly colloquial.
"this beauty method" -> "this cosmetic procedure"
Explanation: "Cosmetic procedure" is a more precise and formal term than "beauty method," aligning better with the context of medical and scientific discussions.
"human’s well-being" -> "human well-being"
Explanation: Removing the possessive form "human’s" corrects the grammatical error and maintains the formal tone of the sentence.
"Thanks to this beauty method" -> "thanks to this cosmetic procedure"
Explanation: Similar to the previous correction, "cosmetic procedure" is more specific and formal than "beauty method," enhancing the academic quality of the text.
"how they want to look like" -> "the appearance they desire"
Explanation: "The appearance they desire" is more formal and precise, avoiding the colloquial "look like" and aligning better with academic style.
"wanted people getting involved" -> "desirable individuals"
Explanation: "Desirable individuals" is a more formal and precise term than "wanted people getting involved," which is overly casual and vague.
"ultilized" -> "utilized"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling error from "utilized" to "utilized," ensuring the text adheres to standard English spelling rules.
"seek for a dream life" -> "pursue their dream lives"
Explanation: "Pursue their dream lives" is grammatically correct and more formal, improving the flow and precision of the sentence.
"insurmountably undeniable" -> "undeniably significant"
Explanation: "Undeniably significant" is a more precise and academically appropriate phrase, avoiding the awkward and redundant "insurmountably undeniable."
"man-made materials" -> "synthetic materials"
Explanation: "Synthetic materials" is a more specific and scientifically accurate term than "man-made materials," which is vague and informal.
"irrelevant with the genes" -> "incompatible with their genetic makeup"
Explanation: "Incompatible with their genetic makeup" is a more precise and scientifically accurate phrase, enhancing the formality and clarity of the statement.
"inevitable fatalities" -> "fatal outcomes"
Explanation: "Fatal outcomes" is a more formal and precise term, avoiding the colloquial "inevitable fatalities."
"lack of focus on inviduals" -> "impairment of focus in individuals"
Explanation: "Impairment of focus in individuals" corrects the grammatical error and uses more formal language, improving the academic tone.
"making life getting much more difficult to enjoy" -> "rendering life significantly more challenging to enjoy"
Explanation: "Rendering life significantly more challenging to enjoy" is a more formal and precise expression, enhancing the academic style of the sentence.
"disapearance" -> "disappearance"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling error from "disapearance" to "disappearance," ensuring the text adheres to standard English spelling rules.
"owning to its" -> "due to its"
Explanation: "Due to its" is the correct prepositional phrase, replacing the incorrect "owning to its" for grammatical accuracy and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both parts of the prompt. It discusses why people opt for cosmetic surgery, citing societal pressures and personal aspirations as key factors. It also presents a clear opinion that this trend is negative, supported by arguments about health risks and societal implications. For instance, the mention of the LGBT+ community highlights a specific group that benefits from cosmetic surgery, illustrating the complexity of the issue.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay could benefit from a more balanced exploration of both the positive and negative aspects of cosmetic surgery. While the author acknowledges benefits, further elaboration on these points could provide a more nuanced view, thereby fully addressing the prompt’s requirement to discuss both sides.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The author maintains a clear stance against cosmetic surgery throughout the essay. Phrases like "I firmly believe that this development is negative" establish a strong position. However, the essay occasionally wavers when discussing the benefits, which may confuse readers regarding the author’s ultimate viewpoint.
- How to improve: To maintain clarity, the author should consistently frame benefits as part of the discussion rather than as endorsements. Using transitional phrases that reinforce the negative stance while acknowledging the benefits could help maintain a clear position. For example, stating, "While there are benefits, the risks outweigh them" would clarify the author’s perspective.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as societal pressures and health risks, and supports them with examples. The reference to the LGBT+ community is a strong point, illustrating how cosmetic surgery can empower individuals. However, some arguments, like the health risks associated with surgery, could be more thoroughly developed with specific examples or statistics to strengthen the claims.
- How to improve: To improve the support for ideas, the author could include more detailed evidence, such as statistics on surgery complications or quotes from experts in the field. Additionally, expanding on the societal implications of cosmetic surgery—such as the impact on self-esteem or identity—could further enrich the discussion.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on cosmetic surgery and its implications. However, some sections, particularly those discussing the benefits, could be seen as diverging slightly from the central argument against cosmetic surgery. For example, the discussion on how cosmetic surgery helps individuals in the LGBT+ community, while relevant, could be more tightly linked to the overall negative stance.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every point made ties back to the central thesis. It may be helpful to explicitly connect the benefits discussed to the overarching argument about the potential negative consequences, reinforcing how these benefits do not outweigh the risks.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and presents a well-structured argument. By refining the balance between positive and negative aspects, enhancing the support for ideas, and ensuring a consistent focus on the main argument, the author could further elevate the quality of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument against cosmetic surgery, structured into an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The first body paragraph discusses the reasons people pursue cosmetic surgery, while the second addresses its potential negative consequences. This logical organization helps the reader follow the author’s line of reasoning. However, there are instances where the transition between ideas could be smoother. For example, the shift from discussing societal norms to the LGBT+ community feels abrupt and could benefit from a clearer connection.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas. For instance, after discussing societal pressures, you could introduce the LGBT+ example with a phrase like, "In addition to societal pressures, certain communities, such as the LGBT+ community, also seek cosmetic surgery for personal affirmation." This would create a more cohesive narrative.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The introduction clearly states the thesis, while the body paragraphs are organized around specific points. However, the paragraphs could be more balanced; the first body paragraph is quite lengthy and contains multiple ideas, which may overwhelm the reader.
- How to improve: Aim for more balanced paragraphs by ensuring each one focuses on a single main idea. You could split the first body paragraph into two: one focusing on societal pressures and the other on the benefits for the LGBT+ community. This would make each paragraph more digestible and focused.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "In addition," and "Nevertheless," which help guide the reader through the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances of repetition (e.g., "this beauty method" is used multiple times).
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider using synonyms and varying your sentence structures. For example, instead of repeatedly saying "this beauty method," you could use "cosmetic procedures" or "aesthetic surgery." Additionally, incorporating more complex cohesive devices, such as "Furthermore," "On the other hand," or "Consequently," would enhance the essay’s overall cohesion.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, incorporating terms such as "appearance alteration," "social norms," "unconfident," and "therapeutics." These choices reflect an understanding of the topic and an ability to express nuanced ideas. However, there are instances of repetition, such as the phrase "cosmetic surgery" being used frequently without variation.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical range, consider using synonyms or related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly saying "cosmetic surgery," alternatives like "aesthetic procedures" or "surgical enhancements" could be employed. This would not only diversify the vocabulary but also demonstrate a broader lexical resource.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally uses vocabulary effectively, there are moments where precision is lacking. For instance, the phrase "the introduction of surgery on appearance changes" could be more clearly articulated as "the introduction of aesthetic surgery." Additionally, the term "irrelevant with the genes" is awkward and could be better expressed as "incompatible with an individual’s genetic makeup."
- How to improve: Focus on refining word choices to enhance clarity. It is beneficial to review phrases for potential ambiguity and replace them with more precise alternatives. For example, instead of "massive blood loss," consider "significant hemorrhaging" to convey a more medical tone. Engaging with a thesaurus or vocabulary-building exercises could also assist in improving precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "ultilized" (should be "utilized"), "inviduals" (should be "individuals"), and "disapearance" (should be "disappearance"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, it is advisable to proofread the essay multiple times, focusing specifically on commonly misspelled words. Utilizing spell-check tools or apps can also help identify errors before submission. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of frequently misspelled words and practicing them can be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and employs a good range of vocabulary, attention to precision and spelling will be crucial for achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. For instance, complex sentences such as "Operating this type of surgery means allowing man-made materials to live inside the body, which can be irrelevant with the genes and formation of the body parts surrounding" showcase the writer’s ability to convey intricate ideas. Additionally, the use of conditional structures, as seen in "if they go to the same beauty institutions or share similar cosmetic surgery requirements," adds depth to the argument. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and a tendency to rely on similar structures, which can detract from overall variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, the writer should experiment with varying sentence lengths and types. For example, incorporating more compound-complex sentences or starting sentences with adverbial phrases can create a more engaging flow. Additionally, varying the use of transition words and phrases at the beginning of sentences can help avoid monotony.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that impact clarity. For instance, "as this beauty method can pose a threat to human’s well-being" should be "human well-being" for grammatical correctness. Punctuation errors, such as the incorrect use of commas in "As a results," detract from the overall professionalism of the writing. Furthermore, the phrase "the disapearance of their own instinct beauty" contains a spelling error that could confuse readers.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, particularly in subject-verb agreement and punctuation. Utilizing grammar-checking tools can help identify and correct mistakes. Additionally, practicing writing with a focus on clarity and conciseness can aid in reducing errors. Regularly reviewing common grammatical rules and engaging in exercises that target specific weaknesses will also contribute to improvement.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and enhancing grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

People worldwide increasingly choose to undergo cosmetic surgery for appearance alterations, which is believed to have a profound effect on one’s destiny and life opportunities. In my opinion, I strongly believe that this development is negative, as these cosmetic procedures can pose a threat to human well-being.

Firstly, as individuals increasingly focus on their appearance and social norms establish a biased definition of beauty, cosmetic alterations emerge to meet this rising demand. Thanks to these procedures, those who lack confidence in their own appearances or possess features they wish to change can transform into the individuals they desire, while simultaneously keeping up with current beauty trends. As a result, they may find it easier to attract not only desirable individuals into their lives but also job opportunities that could positively alter their career paths. Furthermore, the introduction of surgery for appearance changes encourages many individuals to embrace their own characteristics and identities. For instance, various members of the LGBT+ community utilize cosmetic surgery today in pursuit of their dream lives, allowing them to live authentically with their true gender and gain the confidence to overcome societal prejudice regarding their natural differences.

Nevertheless, although the benefits brought about by cosmetic surgery are undeniably significant, I still contend that this advancement in therapeutics can pose a considerable threat to individuals’ health. Undergoing such procedures means allowing man-made materials to reside within the body, which can be incompatible with one’s genetic makeup and the surrounding body structures. This, coupled with the gradual degradation of these materials over time, can deteriorate the function of vital organs, potentially leading to fatal outcomes. Moreover, the abuse of cosmetic surgery can result in significant blood loss, which may increase the risk of memory loss and a lack of focus, making life much more challenging to enjoy. It is also worth noting that many individuals may begin to resemble one another if they frequent the same beauty institutions or share similar cosmetic surgery desires, leading to the disappearance of their unique beauty and confusion among observers.

To recapitulate, while cosmetic surgery is becoming increasingly common as it provides access to improved living standards for individuals—such as broader career paths, enhanced relationships, and the attainment of dream lives—this occurrence should be regarded as a negative development for society, primarily due to its harmful impact on human health.